14. Kamryn
My last summer of freedom. I decided to go to New York, but only for part of the summer. It was the greatest learning experience and I’m so grateful to my teachers that pushed me in this direction. I did some interviews with well-known designers to get a feel for what inspires them for their pieces and why. How do they adjust to the changing trends?
I was able to help pick out outfits for models for an upcoming fashion show. The feeling that I got behind the scenes made me realize that I was finally on the right path.
But now that I’m back home, I have a month before my senior year begins. I’ll be honest, my last two and a half years will probably go down as the worst ever. I don’t remember much of any of them. But my first year wasn’t all that bad. So that’s a plus. Right?
Yet everything from that first year is tied to him. Do I regret not having more of a life outside of him? That depends. I experienced a love that most didn’t. I soared. I became a better version of myself. So I can’t say I regret that time of my life.
I’ve decided not to go crazy with spin or Pilates this month. I still do them, just not as much. Instead I’ve spent most mornings out on ten mile runs. Call me crazy but I get a higher high from running than working out in a stuffy room. On the last mile of my run, I run right into Liam.
Liam holds onto my arms to steady me. “Whoa there Usain Bolt!”
“Oh god! Liam, Im so sorry,” Breathless from the run and the run-in, I place my hands on my hips and look up at Liam.
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll see you later Kamryn.”
“Liam, wait!” I wrap my hand around his forearm before he runs off. He turns around and looks at me with a neutral expression. I used to be able to know what he was thinking. That was the best part of being friends with someone for as long as we were. Before the intimacy blurred that solid friendship we had, we knew each other.
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I was the cause of our friendship falling apart. I’m sorry that I didn’t realize how much of an idiot I was and not seeing it. Okay, I’m just sorry for everything.” My breath comes faster as I fight the onslaught of tears. I miss Liam more than I thought possible. I hate that I was the reason we fell apart.
He looks down and shakes his head before looking back up at me. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I knew that you were still going through a hard time.”
“I was. I kind of still am. But I miss you Liam. I miss just talking to you, seeing you, and just being near you. I miss our friendship more than anything.”
“God I miss you too,” Liam announces as he pulls me in for a hug.
After everything I’ve been through in the past couple of years, I just let it out. I lose the battle as the tears start streaming down my face with no intention of stopping. My body shakes from the sobs.
“Sshhhh…” Liam coos while placing kisses on the top of my head every few seconds. He holds me tighter in an effort to hold me together.
Eventually my tears run out and I pull away from Liam. He lightly runs his thumbs underneath my eyes to wipe away the remaining tears.
“Kamryn, I don’t want to push you or anything. I’m done doing that. My pride was hurt more than anything after your admission. We should talk one day, but not today. I’ll wait for you as long as possible.”
That gets a chuckle out of me and I lean up on my tiptoes and kiss Liam on the cheek. “Maybe one day. I’ll see you around Liam.”
“Yeah, see ya.”
You’d think that summer would slow down a little. It came and went in the blink of an eye. After running into Liam that day I hadn’t seen him for the rest of the summer. That might’ve also been because I changed my running route. It was just easier to avoid someone than it was to confront them. At least that’s been my motto this past year.
Just because Liam and I had that mini heart-to-heart, doesn’t mean we’re back to being besties.
But now I’m back at school a week earlier for prospective students. Since it’s my senior year, I decided to get more involved on campus. I’m already involved with a lot of activities, but what’s one more thing?
It’s the following Monday and a tour is set up. Who sets up a tour on Monday? That’s right…my school!
“And here is the Art Building. You’ll find Graphic Design, Fashion, Photography, Fine Art…basically anything that involves thinking outside the box.” When we complete our walk-through of the Arts Building, we make our way across campus. I answer questions as needed. Some questions are serious and some questions are not. I put more effort into the serious questions.
“Next we have the Athletic Building. While I can’t get in there on my badge alone, its where all of the coaches main offices are, the athletes have their own auditorium, and they have a communal weight room.” Even while I voice the group through what’s held in this building, I’m still in awe. This university continues to dish out whatever they can for the breadwinners. I can’t say I blame them. School spirit is high when all of the teams have winning records.
We continue our walk across the quad. It takes me back to my first time touring here. I did three tours, just to be sure I wasn’t making any rash decisions to possibly come to school with my best friend. When we weren’t talking, there were days I regret coming here. But I push that regret away when I realize all I’ve got to experience here. “And over there is the Liberal Arts Building, next to it is the Science Building, and then across the quad is the Library, and next to that is the cafeteria. Any final questions?”
The tour continues in the same way. Questions, answers, in a building, and out of a building. I have access to all of the buildings that I wish to have. The walk around campus is long. But we manage to cover all of the bases in terms of academics.
A bunch of hands shoot up. Such eager beavers. I point to a shy looking girl. “What is your major?”
“I was a psychology major. And then I made the switch to Fashion.” She and the others look at me inquisitively, so I expand on the ‘why’ I made the switch. I had some personal reasons for making this switch. But ultimately I hope to weave psychology and fashion together.” This answer seems to appease them and maybe confuse them. But I choose not to expand any further. “Next question.”
A preppy looking freshman boy asks, “Where are the fraternity houses?”
I arch a finely plucked eyebrow at him. “This university is so much more than Greek Life. So if you’re only deciding to come to CSU for Greek Life, then you should reevaluate why you want to come to this school. They look for more than just physical looks. You have to have the grades, a good social media background, extracurricular activities, and some recommendations from former teachers.”
“What sorority are you in?”
“Uh, I don’t remember saying that I was in one. But I am in one.”
“Which one?”
“Kappa Beta. I was a legacy.”
A well-put-together girl that I have a feeling will rush as soon as she can, speaks up, “Wait your last name isn’t Rawlins is it?”
“Yes it is.”
“OMG! Your family is a legend in the Greek world.”
I give a tight-lipped smile, “Thanks.”
I continue on with the final stop on the tour for them. As sports are huge at this school, I take them to the closest outdoor facility which happens to be the baseball field. In the distance, I see some of the baseball players are walking out of the fieldhouse when we get there, and they happen to be Liam and Chance.
Chance pulls me into a bear hug and spins me around before noticing our audience with shocked looks on their faces. “Fresh meat?”
I lightly punch him on the arm. “No. Prospective students. Giving them the tour…all that good stuff. The baseball field was the last stop.”
“Interesting…” Chance starts and then turns to the wide-eyed newbies. “Well, I’m Chance. Shortstop. And this ugly guy right here is Liam. Star pitcher.”
Liam gives them a shy little wave and his gaze sneaks over to me.
“Any questions children?” Chance asks them.
A bunch of hands shoot up and I shoot Chance a devilish grin. “Answer away Mr. Popular.”
I step next to Liam as Chance does all the talking.
“He really does have a knack for this, doesn’t he?” Liam asks so only I can hear.
I cover my chuckle behind my hand, “He’d be a great talk-show host if the MLB doesn’t draft him.”
“That he does. Are you going to the back-to-school party Kappa Mu is throwing on Saturday?”
Hesitation hits me. I may be leading this tour, but my sole focus is on Liam. “I was thinking about it. Why?”
“No reason,” Liam denounces as he looks at me and it appears that Chance is done answering questions. “Looks like he’s done. I’ll see you around Kam.”
“Bye, Liam.”
“Hey Mommy.”
“Hi, Kamryn. How was being a tour guide?”
My parents thought it was hilarious that I chose to do this. I did it to get out of the house. The sooner I’m here, the sooner I can leave.
“Exhausting. I honestly think that some of them were only interested in Greek Life or being an athlete. But none of them looked like they played sports at all. I don’t think any of them let what I told them sink into their pea-sized brains.”
“Tsk tsk, my darling. You were like that too, remember?”
I groan at what my mom just pointed out. “Yeah, I remember.”
“Are you just doing this one tour today?”
“No. I have several that I’m signed up for throughout the year. So I think about six in total.”
“Well, if fashion doesn’t work out, you could always be a stewardess.”
“Mother! That’s it, Im hanging up on you.”
My mom is laughing on the other end. “Fine. I’m done. Have you seen Liam?”
“Yeah. We talked for a bit.”
“It’ll get easier sweetheart.”
Unexpected emotion takes over. I swear this year I’m set to turn my emotions off. It’s exhausting feeling everything so deep. “I know it will. Hey I gotta go. I’m helping some of the girls move their stuff in. I love you. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye sweet girl, I love you too.”
Okay, I lied to my mom. I’m not helping any of the girls move in because none of them are coming back until closer to the weekend. Call me a bad daughter, but I can’t talk about Liam without getting all choked up. And just seeing him today did something weird to me. Maybe it’s the whole saying absence makes the heart grow fonder…or something like that. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I will no longer be the mopey girl from last year or the year before. I’m going to enjoy my final year. I’ll enjoy supporting all the sports teams as best as I can.
And I get to work on my senior project, which I’m super excited for.
But enough of that. It’s been a long day. And since the house doesn’t have alcohol, I walk up to the nearest bar. When I walk into the dimly lit bar, I find that it’s pretty much empty sans three other people. So finding a spot to sit at the bar isn’t that difficult.
“What can I get you darlin’?” The bartender asks me.
“Tequila on the rocks, please.”
“Coming right up.”
It’s times like this when my mind wanders back to Mason. It’s almost football season. And I haven’t let my thoughts wander to him for over a year. The beginning of the school year is harder for me. That’s when we first met. And well, we all know how that turned out.
“Here you go. Do you want to start a tab or close it out?”
I debate it for a second but then I slide him my debit card. “Start a tab please.”
The bartender nods at my response and goes to another customer. The Tequila slides down my throat in a smooth movement.
“A girl that doesn’t flinch when she drinks tequila is dangerous to anyone that gets close to her.”
I know that voice anywhere. Liam. “You should know.” I spit at him.
“Ease up Kam.”
I turn to look at Liam and see that he’s got his guitar slung over his shoulder. “I’m sorry. But I don’t answer to anyone Liam. I’m not gonna start now. And it’s not gonna be with you.”
“Okay.”
“How did you know I was here?”
“Come on…it’s the only bar close by that has a stage for singing.”
I look at him with a raised eyebrow.
He holds his hands up in a defensive manner. “Okay, Sarah told me. Come sing with me.”
I haven’t sung with Liam in a long time. He always knew the songs that worked for me. It’s also one of the ways we became so close and how our friendship has lasted so long. The last time I sang in front of a crowd was when Mason arranged it. So now I guess I associate singing with him. Which opens the barely healed wound.
“Do you know “All I Ask” by Adele?”
He nods his head. But has a pensive look on his face.
“Okay.” I unlock my and pull up my phones camera, switching it to the video mode. I turn to the only female bartender, “Will you record this for me please?”
She takes my phone. “Sure thing.”
A few more people have wandered into the bar and are looking like they don’t want their afternoon booze fest interrupted by my singing. Oh well! I don’t care. Liam plugs his guitar into the amp and hands me the microphone.
“Hey guys. I’m Kamryn and this is my…uh, friend…Liam. We’re going to play a song, or a few for y’all. This first one is for all you broken-hearted and it’s All I Ask by Adele.” Liam looks at me questioningly. But I nod for him to start regardless.
I look out to the crowd as I belt out the lyrics. Some have glassy eyes from either the alcohol or the song, and others are really listening to the lyrics.
A tear escapes and I quickly wipe it away. Is this the closure that I need? Can I move on from this? Can I love again? It still hurts like hell. I still miss Mason like no tomorrow. Because I’m carrying around my broken heart like it’s a prize. It’s not. I finish the song and the room erupts in applause. I look out at the room and even the employees have stopped what they were doing to applause. I wipe my tears as best as I can.
“Thank you,” I go to stand up and requests get thrown out to us.
When I turn to Liam, he shrugs like it’s not my fault that they love me.
“Okay. I’m only doing one more song and this one is a duet. Have any of you seen the movie ‘Country Strong’?”
Some hoots are all I get.
“This song is Give into Me.”
Liam starts up the guitar and the familiar tune of the song swims through my veins. But when he opens his mouth to sing, his voice warms my body and it feels like last summer all over again. Why did I choose this song? Him looking right into my eyes like he can see into my soul is unraveling everything that I’ve tried putting together. Does he like me?
But looking away from him is hardly an option. We’ve sung this song before. Just way before anything like what happened last summer happened. He was just my goofball best friend. We did everything together. Until I proposed that stupid arrangement in hopes that he and I could become more than friends.
My body unconsciously drifts towards him as we continue to sing about giving into each other. Whether as friends or more my mind is now conflicted. The words we sing to each other, like a back and forth conversation, wondering if our time is now.
Our stares linger after the song is over and the crowd goes insane. I break the stare first and walk off the short stage to get my phone and quickly pay my tab. I can’t go back on my word now. I can’t have feelings for Liam again. But whatever it is I’m feeling isn’t slowing down my racing heart. I care about Liam as a friend. Did I maybe think that he and I would turn to more than friends? I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. He pushed me away. When I started to feel more, he pulled back. So I moved on.
I quickly uploaded the grainy video to Facebook in my haste to get out of the bar. In no time at all my phone is blowing up with text messages about my performance. But I ignore them all. A small part of me was hoping that a certain someone would see it. Would he see how broken I still am? Or would he think that I’ve moved on? Did he move on? My phone rings with Jax calling.
“Hi, sister.”
“Kam! Those songs. Why would you do that to yourself?”
I stop in my tracks. She knows why those songs are special to me. An unexpected sob escapes me before I have a chance to answer her. “I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking.”
“I thought you were doing better?” After a beat of silence, she speaks up again. “Maybe it’s time you talk to someone.”
Talk to who? A shrink that would just tell me that it’s okay to feel the feelings. That it’s okay to mourn what almost was? Almost. That’s such a heartbreaking word.
“I’ll think about it. I’m gonna go. Bye, Jax.”
“Bye, Kam.”
I continue the walk back to campus with tears streaming down my face. Maybe my sister is right. Maybe I do need to talk to someone. But that means finally opening all the way up. And I’ve done a fine job of mashing down those feelings this past summer.
The rest of the week passes by in a blur. Thankfully none of my sorority sisters have talked about my performance. Either that or Sarah got to them first. But that didn’t stop the rest of campus from talking about it. Everywhere I walked I heard the whispers “She sang those songs for him” or “Look how broken she still is” or my favorite yet “Move on already, he has”.
That last one really hurt. Since this is such a large campus, you’d think that people would bypass those observations. Or find something else to talk about entirely. But not at this campus. Hearing the part about him moving on threatened to split me open right on the spot. I haven’t kept tabs on him. But considering that my mind goes to him more than I’m allowed to say, I probably should. He’s allowed to move on. I should have. But the idea of moving on, after planning our future together…the thought of doing so cripples me.
I don’t know if I can love like that again. I don’t know if I can give my heart to someone fully like I did before. I cry too much. Most of the time I’m numb. And I hate it. At least if I could feel, that’d be better than feeling nothing.