27. Kamryn
I’m date night ready. And my nerves are through the roof.
My outfit is all black and while on video chat with my girls, I got made fun of for wearing all black. As if they don’t know it’s my go-to color for any sort of event and/or date, so attempting to sway me out of my outfit choice was a lost cause. As a millennial, phasing out the goth phase was a big mistake with my generation. Now look at us. Black jeans for nights out or black jackets to throw over top when running out the door. The goth phase is still truly alive.
My jeans sit perfectly on my hips, a black lace halter bodysuit that has a deep V in the front. I topped the bodysuit with a black blazer, black clutch with gold detailing that holds the essentials, and black Christian Louboutin heels. For how doom and gloom the color black is, it truly goes with everything. As the years went on, I slowly incorporated this timeless color back into my wardrobe before it took over my entire wardrobe. Essentially making the color an extension of myself. I’ll add color to my style every now and then, but black will always be my signature color.
Thinking of black being my signature color has me wanting to dedicate an entire ‘Ryn amp; Co.’ and ‘Kamryn’ line to the all-black wardrobe. I whip out my phone and make a quick note in it before I forget.
Once I’ve added to my list, I check over my makeup before deeming I can’t add anything more to my face. My makeup is done simple yet sexy with a simple eye look and deep red lip that helps accentuate the browns from my eyes. The curls from the blowout earlier today have loosened leaving my hair to fall in soft waves down my back. I gave up the fight in trying to get my natural curls to come back. The only time my natural curls make an appearance is if I jump in the ocean. Apparently that would require me to take a vacation, so they don’t make an appearance as often as one would hope.
I ordered an Uber before I spritzed perfume onto my pulse points, almost going overboard and drowning myself in the expensive bottle. My overthinking is driving me crazy and I’m grateful when the car pulls up so I can leave the perfume bottle on my dresser. Locking up my house I walk to the waiting car and get in. Once settled, I give the driver the address. And when we pull onto the main road, I’m finally given the chance to look out at the city as she drives me to Mason’s condo. After the Uber drops me off I give myself a pep-talk in the lobby of his building before walking up towards the concierge.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I repeat to myself over and over again.
With one last deep breath I step up to the desk and clear my throat.
“Hi. I’m here for Mason Brooks,” I announce to the concierge when I finally find my words. I could have easily texted him but my nerves have taken over and any inkling of thought I possessed is gone.
“Name?” The woman typing on her computer asks without looking up at me.
“Kamryn Rawlins.” I reply back to her.
She finally glances up with her mouth slightly open and shocked at hearing my name. I don’t get that reaction a lot so it brings a small smile to my face.
The concierge clears her throat a few times before calling up to Mason’s room. “He’ll be down in a minute. But may I just say that I’m a HUGE fan of your line. I buy a couple pieces from each collection and I’m super eager for this next line.” She rambles off to me.
I get a little flustered and blush at her compliment. “Thank you so much. That means a lot. I promise you’re going to love this new line.” I hear the elevator ping and turn to see Mason walk out and my heart does that pitter-patter skip a beat thing it always does when I see him. “Well it was nice meeting you.” I tell her as I wave and walk away.
My smile gets even bigger as I walk toward Mason, as if that’s even possible, and I let out a squeal when he picks me up and spins me around the lobby. “Ugh I’ve missed you Kam.” Mason says.
He puts me down and I get lost in his hazel eyes before sputtering out, “Yeah I- I’ve missed you too.”
Pull it together Kamryn!
He puts his arm around my shoulder to pull me out of the hotel and kisses the top of my head. “Let’s go eat some food, beautiful.”
“So how have you really been? I see football is treating you well.” I say the last statement offhandedly.
“You’ve been checking me out I see.” His cheeks lift as he tries to hold back his laughter.
My own cheeks heat after having been caught. “Look, yes! Okay! You’re hot. And your body is insane. Football and time has been fantastic to you.”
“Not to sound like a dog, time has been wonderful to you as well.”
No more hiding the blush that spreads over my body as his gaze roams over my face. Lingering on my exposed chest as my body continues to heat up all over the place.
I take a sip of water because it is seriously hot in here!
“Enough body talk. I wanna know how you’ve been.”
The waitress bringing over our wine halts Mason from responding. She also takes our appetizer and entree orders, before heading back to her station.
“Exhausted. I’m pretty much on the go from July to February only slightly lightening my load during the off-season. I’ve been an obsessive routine follower that hasn’t made much time for a life outside of the game. When I was in Carolina, it was easier to see my family. And it made disconnecting from the game easier. But now being here…I’m still trying to figure out those logistics.”
No life outside of football is a very interesting take from Mason. “So no life outside of football. What about painting? Did you ever finish your degree? I know how important that was to you.”
“I know what you’re getting at Kam. I wasn’t a total monk so no need to beat around the bush.”
My cheeks burn at having evaded what I really wanted to ask. Truthfully, I have no reason to question his dating life when I was with Liam.
“No serious relationship then?” I beat the bullet and just ask him.
“No. It didn’t seem fair of me to get in a relationship when my time was so focused on football. I decided that whomever I was with deserved a full-time guy. That couldn’t be me when I’m occupied for half of the year.”
I let him by with that. Not wanting to get my hopes up that the reason he hadn’t been with anyone long term had been because of me. I moved on and he had that right to do so as well. Professional football players date all of the time. I’ve even made bridesmaids dresses for some of them that got married. So, I refuse to take his answer about not having time. But this dinner is not the place to ask that.
“Well what about painting?” I repeat one of the questions. His talents were unmatched, whether with a paintbrush or his fingers. Maybe I’m biased but his awards weren’t pity awards.
“I paint about once a year. The urge to paint was never strong after I got drafted. I can’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed it.” I sense sadness in his admission.
Maybe I was wrong that our heartbreak was one-sided. He loved painting more than football. To hear he’s barely picked up a paintbrush or gotten his hands messy with paints and oils in the eight years we’ve been apart hurts my heart.
“I see the wheels turning in that pretty head of yours. Kamryn, I don’t want you to think the reason I haven’t painted has been because of us. Painting will always be there to welcome me back with open arms. But football became my main priority. It had to. One day, I do hope to get back to that creative place. Because the calm that rushed over me was more immense than anytime I stepped out on that field.”
Our waitress brings our food out, halting my response. We tell her our thanks then she’s out of sight again.
“That makes me sad to hear. I’m hopeful that you’ll get back to it. You were too talented to stop.”
Mason busies himself with unrolling his silverware. It’s a stalling tactic I’ve learned to pick up from other people. Never did I think he’d need that kind of avoidance.
“Thank you. That means a lot. To answer your other question, I did end up finishing my degree. It took a couple of years but I managed to graduate. But enough about me. How did you wanting to be a psychologist now become you selling out fashion shows?”
“A loaded question for an extremely loaded answer.” I tell him as I push the food around my plate.
“Eat your food Kam. And we have time. I’m not going anywhere.”
His demand sends chills coursing through my body.
I take a bite of my food and then wash what’s left of my food down with a swig of wine. “It was the summer going into my junior year. Our breakup was hard and I’d spent the first month of my break wallowing in my room. Nothing helped. That was also the downfall of my friendship with Liam.” I ignore the furrow in his brow, not wanting to tell him how I used my best friend. Maybe someday I’ll tell him. But not now when we’re attempting to get back on equal footing.
“A friend of mine had dragged me out of my house and took me to a trunk show she was helping out at. Apparently it was the thing I needed. So after that, I went to the arts amp; crafts store on a whim and scoured the sketchpad aisle. After getting some advice I bought a couple of them and some pencils. As for how I got to designing clothes is kind of simple. Jax was watching something on TV and I got this idea seeing the outfits. I tried making them better as if they already weren’t. But even you can admit that sometimes the outfits TV show characters wear aren’t always the best.” Letting out a breath. “But somehow, my drawings went from sketches of clothes to us on the bridge. Drawing that moment became cathartic and torturous. I drew it so many times that I could’ve drawn that moment with my eyes closed.”
“Kam…” Mason starts.
I shake my head stopping him. “No. It’s okay. That pain of losing you was so present. It was this living thing that I used for inspiration. And that pain was the only thing that I could grasp. When summer ended, I went to my advisor and told her I wanted to make a switch. Of course she wasn’t pleased with me. But I was able to double up on my classes. The next summer I joined that same friend at some more small trunk shows and I just got that rush of calmness fall over me. It was at that moment I felt I was in the right space for the first time in a while.”
He nods at my food. A not so silent order to keep eating. He does the same and when our plates are almost cleared is when Mason asks the bigger question.
“So how did you get from college to now? I saw in a magazine on local talents and your story was in it.”
I blow out a breath that ruffles my lips and take a swallow of wine. “Oi. No one ever wants to take a chance on inexperienced designers. Especially right after college when I had no investor to help get my line off the ground. So I took a couple of teaching jobs. One at the local middle school and one at the local community college teaching fashion design part-time. It was good. It kept my skills sharp. The students I taught were…we all had a collaborative relationship. I actually still keep in touch with some of them and few work for me.”
He raises an eyebrow knowing I’m leaving out a huge chunk of why my brand faltered for a couple of years.
Our server comes to clear our plates and top off our glasses of wine.
“Before Liam passed, one of the professors at CSU told me an investor was looking to invest in up and coming brands. I remember dancing around my living room because this was what I needed. Once I gave her the okay, she sent the investor my number and email. Up until Liam had passed, we had been in contact every day. At that point, nothing mattered to me anymore. I did what I could to survive but I wasn’t living. The investor eventually moved on after no word from me. I mean I was grieving and clearly not in the headspace to communicate efficiently with anyone. So I don’t blame her.”
Most people learn to work through the pain. But I was not one of those people.
“It took me a long while to get back to me. I stumbled a lot. People don’t lie about the learning curves. The amount thrown at me threw me off course a handful of times. It was by pure luck that I was able to get my line started again. I had to do a complete re-brand and vision a completely new idea for my line.”
“So you got an investor?” Mason asks.
“Actually, no. Not at first. I did everything the organic way. Living in this city created completely new opportunities for me. I started out with tops, dresses, and skirts that I wore around the city. It wasn’t until I was out and about when a woman stopped me. Said she’s seen me around town and wouldn’t mind setting up a meeting. The way my line came to be wasn’t conventional in the slightest. I was almost like a model getting discovered on the streets of London, but in this case it was for my clothes. In the first year, we doubled our profit and I was close to buying her out. It wasn’t until last year that I was able to buy her out completely. Making me the sole owner of my brand.”
“That’s incredible Kamryn!” Mason beams.
“It’s been a whirlwind for sure. I still keep in touch with Martha, the investor, as my brand really wouldn’t be where it is without her.” Martha was my guardian angel at a time when I needed something good. She mentored me the best way she could. She pushed me to be a better designer. She saw my potential when I was drowning in my despair. I owe her for more than anyone thinks I do.
That night at the club was full of hurt and this is the first chance we get to stare at each other. To take the other in without the nerves of this date taking over. I catalog the way he’s lost his boyish features and in his place are sharp lines. The tattoos that adorned his beautiful skin have me wanting to trace them to see where they begin and where they end. But I don’t think we’re at that place yet. Or maybe we are and I’m just fooling myself that he and I could take this slow.
The candle light and hush quiet of the restaurant has made talking with Mason easy. Never once has the conversation faltered. We haven’t been interrupted by football fans and the wait staff is known for their discretion. Sitting here with my hand in his and his thumb rubbing soft circles into my skin has amped up the kindling sexual tension between us.
“Let’s get out of here,” Mason says.
He pulls two 100 dollar bills out that covers way more than our bill with enough for a generous tip then wraps my hand in his to pull me out of the restaurant.
“How far away is your place from here?” Mason asks as he pulls me into his side. My body melts into him.
I wrap my arms around his waist and stare up at the man I met when I was eighteen years old. The hurt memories will probably always be a painful wedge between us. But not right here. No, right here is where our lives will change.