26. Kamryn
Iwalk into work the next morning almost as if I’m floating. I look around the space that I’ve created with a fresh pair of eyes. The exposed brick that’s barely visible with the amount of clothing racks and mannequins lining the walls. Desks with half completed drawings, swatches of fabric, and pencils spread out creating an array of color in the mess.
Finding this space for the home of ‘Ryn amp; Co.’, my high-end line and ‘Kamryn’, my affordable line, was a stroke of luck. But what sold me on this space was the view from my, at the time would be, office. The baseball and football stadium’s flanking my view with the river just barely seen beyond. I’ve never had to worry about a lull in creativity when the stadiums are bursting with activity. It felt like a dream come true and a nightmare rolled into one that my office was in view of the two sports where the two great loves of my life could be with me without being with me.
A few hours rolls by when I’m brainstorming in my office, and thinking about reaching out to Nina for a collaborative project, when a courier with a delivery pops into the office. “Delivery for Ms. Rawlins?” he asks.
“That’s me,” I announce from where I’m standing at my vision board for my next few lines. Once I sign for the package, the courier leaves. And when I see that the return address is posted from the stadium, I automatically know it’s from Mason. But why would he send me a box when all I thought I was getting was tickets?
“Olivia, will you bring me a box cutter, please?” I yell to my assistant as I move to put the box on top of my workstation.
She comes back with the cutter and returns to her desk. I always brace myself before opening boxes like these since the last one I got identical to this broke me down.
When all of a sudden a wave of why I felt numb when I saw Mason again, hits me. The box cutter falls from my grasp as I fumble for my phone to FaceTime Theresa. She said to call her anytime and I desperately need to talk to her. As the phone continues to ring I close my door because I don’t need my employees in my personal business.
“Hello, Kamryn,” always the professional even with FaceTime.
I cut straight to the chase. “It’s a box. The reason why I am the way that I am. The reason I cant let anything out.”
“Boxes can mean a ton of different things. Why do you specifically think it means you can’t let anything out?”
I stop pacing and make my way over to my chair. Once seated, I swivel and look out of the floor to ceiling window and the two stadiums that host the sports that I’ve loved and hated. “Because the last time a box was dropped off to me it destroyed me. And anytime I would get a box a sense of dread would just wash over me. I shut down from the world.”
Theresa regards me carefully over the video call. Even not in the same space I feel two inches tall.
“What brought this on Kamryn?”
“Mason had a box delivered to my office. I was about to open it up when my mind went back in time. Those emotions I felt the first time was all I could feel. It didn’t matter that this box represents something good. My mind doesn’t know how to separate the good and the bad.”
For the last two years I continued to expect the bad. Apart from my brand becoming successful faster than I could have imagined, I was always waiting for the shoe to drop.
“It’s good you’re letting him back in.”
“Yeah but what if I let him all the way in and he doesn’t like what he sees?”
A pitying look from Theresa is the last thing I expected from as my therapist. In a blink that look is gone and in its place is one of professionalism. “If he doesn’t like what he sees, then he is not the one for you. Everybody is broken. Whether it’s a little crack or some pieces are completely gone. If Mason is who you hopefully think he is, then he will accept you for all of your broken pieces.”
I linger over her words. Barely catching what she tells me as we set a tentative appointment for two weeks from now.
“Open the box, Kamryn. And I’m not just talking about the metaphorical box. Not everything represents the bad.”
Our goodbye is quick and I continue to stare out of my office window. I turn over our talk in my head as I do after every session. I try reading between the lines, when what’s between the lines is nothing. Everything Theresa said is to the point and she validated my hidden fears.
With a resounding breath I get up and walk back over to the box. And when I move the flaps of the box I see that the contents are nothing like what I’ve been given before.
My fears, while not unfounded, are unwarranted.
In this I see: an envelope with four tickets and 4 box amp; field passes, three Cincinnati Bengals jerseys with no numbers on the back, a Bengals jersey with Mason’s number on it, and a note at the bottom.
Kamryn,
I can’t wait for you to come to the game Sunday.
I have Monday off from all things related to football.
Come to the tunnel with the girls when the game ends.
Afterward, I plan to take you on an official, unrushed date.
Xoxo,
Mason
My mood rose after looking over the contents of the box. I couldn’t focus on work, so I sent my employees home early. I may have also been nervous about seeing Mason these next three days, so I managed to get last minute pamper appointments. After my toes and nails are done and freshly painted, I swing-by my favorite salon to get a fresh trim and a blowout. As if I wasn’t already nervous, the girls in the salon kept asking me about my love life and if they could get the inside scoop on my next line. I just gave them a tight-lipped smile and told them it’s all a work in progress.
“Hi, Lucy,” I greet with equal enthusiasm when I get home. Poppy views our interaction with as much enthusiasm as she can from her spot on my couch. “Wanna go for a walk?” I ask her. If her wagging tail is any indication, then that’d be a yes. Setting my purse on the table and swapping out my flats for slip on sneakers. “Go get your leash for me sweet girl.” I had just planned to take Lucy on a walk around the neighborhood, but I was still full of restless energy so we found ourselves at the dog park. Smiling to myself as I watch Lucy play with other dogs, I can’t help but think about this coming weekend. I don’t want to move at lightning speed, but Im at the point where it’s all or nothing with anyone I date.
After thirty minutes of Lucy running around playing with other dogs and chasing after squirrels, I whistled for her to come over to me. “Let’s go home sweet girl,” I say to her while petting her. Clipping her leash back on we make our way out of the park and back home.