Chapter 7
Lexi
I close my flat door behind me and lean against it, clutching my violin case against my chest. My lips still tingle, though I'm not sure if it's because of kissing Edur, or because he's colder than I am.
I touch my fingers to my lips. Maybe it doesn't matter.
It'll feel the same when I next kiss him.
The act is consuming my thoughts more than I expected it to, especially considering that he distracted me from my practice.
Then again, I suppose I was using the time to think about him anyway, so it's not as if I've lost any of it. And kissing him was worth it.
Very worth it.
But also confusing. I didn't expect him to get turned on from a kiss because that's not what happens to me, and I'm not sure how I feel about it.
I enjoyed kissing him, but I don't want to end up making promises that I can't keep by doing so.
But then again, what would happen if I did let it go further?
There's a part of me that's curious about more, but also scared.
One of the bedroom doors opens, and I startle when I see Marnie step out into the hall. She raises an eyebrow. "You okay?"
"Yes, fine." My voice is a little squeaky, which is annoying and gives me away completely.
"Mmhmm."
"I am," I promise.
"All right, so I'm going to go make a cup of tea. If you want to talk about it, I can make you one too." She gestures towards the kitchen.
"Tea would be good," I say, pushing away from the door.
Her gaze drops to my violin case. "I never realised that music practice was so exciting."
I can feel my cheeks grow warm, and I know that they're turning a deeper shade of green than before, making my reaction very obvious to my friend.
"I have to wonder if it's about a certain mate," she says as she makes her way through to the kitchen with me on her heels.
"Edur heard me playing," I admit.
She goes over to the kettle and fills it up. "Is this something that's a big deal?"
I shake my head. "He's heard me play lots of times before."
"Just how close were you before you ran away from the mate bond?" She sets down our mugs and starts making the tea.
"He's been my best friend since I was eleven and he was twelve," I respond. "We did everything together."
"And you were surprised when the mate bond responded?" she asks.
I set my violin case down on the side. "Well, yes. I started figuring out that I was ace when I was seventeen, even if I'm still figuring out what that means. But I knew enough about myself to think that it meant that a mate bond wouldn't be possible."
"But you feel love."
"Yes, I'm not aromantic." I let out a sigh and pull out a chair so I can take a seat. "It's one of the frustrations I've had about figuring it out. I want to fall in love, but most people expect sex in a relationship. And I...don't want to do most of that."
"Okay...so what do you mean by most of it?" she asks as she sets my mug down in front of me.
"I don't even know," I admit. "I've had sex before, and done other things, but it's not really been any fun."
"That could be the other people," she responds. "I can tell you that I've had some very disappointing encounters myself."
"Which makes it harder. How do I know what's bad sex and what's me? I don't think that I'm sex repulsed, but what if I am?"
"I don't know the differences that well," she says as she wraps her fingers around her mug.
"There are different levels to it. You don't have to be ace to be sex repulsed, but you also don't have to be sex repulsed in order to be ace," I say. "Asexual is a lack of desire for sex, and even that's a scale."
She nods. "I think I've seen something about that. So where does the repulsed come in?"
"It's about the reaction to sex," I say. "So if I were sex repulsed, then I wouldn't want anything to do with it. But I don't think that's me."
"Interesting." She picks up her mug and takes a sip, the expression on her face making it clear that she's thinking. "How do you feel about the idea of having sex with Edur?"
I chew on my bottom lip as I think about it. "Conflicted," I say after a moment. "I'm interested, and curious, but I'm also terrified."
"Of what?" she asks.
"What if I don't like it?"
"Then you don't do it again," she responds.
"I know. But what will that mean for our relationship?" My heart hurts as I ask the question.
Marnie offers me a pained smile. "I don't know. But is that a reason to avoid trying to have one?"
"I don't know." I rub a hand over my face and try to settle my racing thoughts.
"Have you talked to him about it?" she asks. "I can't really reassure you about how he's going to react because I don't know him or how he feels about it. Sex might be too important for it ever to be possible for you to work out. Or it might not be. There's only one way to find out."
I let out a sigh. "We haven't talked about it yet. I know that we need to, but it's a hard subject to bring up, especially when I'm not sure I'm going to tell him things that he wants to hear."
"I can imagine. But I think it's probably best if you talk sooner rather than later. Then you know whether you need to break off the mate bond or not."
"True."
"You should also have some tea, it'll make you feel better," she says before she picks up her mug and takes a sip.
A salty smell lifts from the mug, not like any tea I've had before. "What is it?"
"Seaweed tisane. It's my favourite. I figured you'd like it."
"I've never had it," I admit. "Nixies tend to stick to freshwater."
"Ah, that makes sense."
I pick up my mug and take a sip, allowing the taste of salty seaweed to wash over my tongue.
The heat is a contrast to how cold Edur's lips had been against mine, sending my thoughts back to our kisses.
I liked the way it felt to kiss him, the sensations were pleasant, and maybe that's what sex will be too.
"It's delicious," I say about the tea, my gaze fixed on my mug so that I don't reveal any of my thoughts to my friend. I appreciate her insight, but I'm not sure it's doing anything other than making my mind race more.
Marnie gives me a shrewd look. "So what happened when Edur caught you playing the violin?"
"He didn't catch me. I was in one of the music rooms, so it wasn't a secret or anything."
"That's not answering the question," she points out.
I let out a sigh. "We talked about our date a bit, and then we kissed."
"Well, you could have started with that revelation," she jokes. "How was it?"
"Amazing." I touch my lips without meaning to. "Kissing has always been fun, but this was even better than that."
"Seems like a good start," she responds. "So maybe the rest of it will follow."
"Maybe." But I suppose the only way I'm going to find out how I feel about those parts of the relationship is to talk to Edur and try it. Even the idea of that is a little terrifying, but so is the prospect of losing him from my life.
So I'm just going to have to trust that we'll be able to work this out, even if that's terrifying.