Chapter 8
Lexi
The dining hall is full of noise as I make my way into it to grab some lunch.
I look over to the table where Marnie normally sits, but my friend is nowhere to be seen.
I frown and try to think back over what lectures she has today, and if one of them has run over.
Or maybe she's just gotten a better option.
Someone clears their throat, and I turn to find Edur. "Hey," he says.
"Hi."
"You look as if you're lost."
"I thought my friend would be here, but she's not," I say.
"Mine isn't either." He doesn't even look around, so I'm not sure how true that is. "I'm free to keep you company. Unless you don't want to spend time with me before our date."
I laugh. "Why wouldn't I want that? Come on, we should grab a seat before all the good stuff is gone." I reach out and take his hand in mine, enjoying the slight tingle that comes from touching his cold blue skin.
A smile tugs at his lips, making the frost around his eyes lift and sparkle in the lights.
I like the reaction, and I want to make it happen more.
Seeing him like this makes me wonder why I ran away when I first felt the response to the mate bond, because this isn't as scary as I thought it would be.
Then again, I'm three years older, and three years more aware of my sexuality.
It doesn't make it easier to know that I've hurt him though, and I wish I hadn't.
He leads me over to one of the tables that's laden with all kinds of sandwiches before letting go of my hand. Disappointment floods through me in response to losing his touch, but it vanishes just as quickly when I sit down and realise how close together we are.
"What do you want?" he asks, looking over the array of food in the middle of the table. I'm not even sure how the kitchens manage to make so much, there has to be some magic involved. "Oh, there's some tuna mayo, but if I remember right, you don't like it."
"No. It's either too wet or too dry, there's no middle ground," I respond. "Are there any of those chicken and anchovy wraps they had the other week? They were tasty."
He looks over the table, before spotting what he's looking for and grabbing a plate before holding it out to me.
"Thank you." I put one on my plate and look over the rest of the selection, adding a prawn sandwich and one with smoked mackerel in it to my plate. "Sorry for all the fish," I say, thinking back to Marnie's comments about pickled herring.
"You don't need to be sorry," he says with a reassuring smile. "You like what you like."
I know the statement is meant to be about fish, and is innocent as a result, but I can't help thinking that it applies to other things too. I glance down at my plate, not really sure what to say in response, especially not when he has no idea about my feelings.
"So, how were lectures?" he asks.
"Good," I respond, letting out a small sigh about the fact that the conversation has moved on to safer ground. "What about you? My friend said that you're studying Healing."
He raises an eyebrow. "Did they?"
I clear my throat. "Sorry, yes. Erm, I was talking about our date, and she said she knew you from it."
"Is this the friend who's replaced me in your affections?" I can tell from his tone that it's an attempt at a joke, but there's genuine hurt beneath the surface.
I reach out to touch the back of his hand. "No one has ever replaced you, Edur," I say softly. Marnie and I have grown close in the months since we came to Rosewood, but it isn't the same.
He gives me a tight smile. "It's fine."
"It's not." I take a deep breath, ignoring the food on my plate. "I hurt you, and we shouldn't ignore that."
"It's over now," he says, not meeting my gaze, and I can tell that he's still hurt over it.
My heart constricts in response. I don't like being faced with the pain I've caused, especially when I should have talked to him. But it's easy for me to think that when I've spent the past three years thinking about it.
He picks up a beef spread sandwich and takes a bite out of it, but it doesn't hide the expression on his face.
I feel like I'm making a mess of this before we've even started.
I swallow hard, knowing that I need to focus on the relationship we can have now, even if I know my past choices are something we're going to have to deal with, even if I don't feel ready for that.
"How is healing going?" I ask softly, hoping that a change in subject will mean that we can move back to what we need to be doing and reconnecting.
"Well," he says with a small smile. "You know I've always wanted that."
I nod. "You talked about it all the time when we were younger." Maybe this is the wrong track for the conversation, considering that it's already taken us back again.
"I've got a long way to go. I'm going to be studying for years before I'm qualified. But I'm glad that I can get heading towards my goal. What about you? You said that you were taking history, but didn't you used to want to be a chemist?"
"I did, but I changed my mind," I admit. "Maybe history is the wrong thing for me to take. My parents were putting a lot of pressure on me to make a decision about what to study, so I just blurted it out."
He laughs. "You know that Rosewood offers general courses?"
I groan. "Yes, of course. But that's not enough to convince them. They wanted me to pick an actual subject. So that's what I did. I enjoy it, though."
"Maybe one day you'll be...I don't know, what do people with history degrees do?"
"That's not a question to ask me right now," I half-joke. "Especially not in front of my parents."
He chuckles. "I'll keep that in mind. Though I don't imagine I'll be seeing them for a while."
"Not until we're sure about this," I say. "It'll create too many questions otherwise."
"Do they know?"
I shake my head. "They've begged me to tell them why I wanted to leave school, but I never told them. I didn't want to have to explain."
He raises an eyebrow. "To anyone, apparently."
"I couldn't really explain to myself," I whisper, completely ignoring my food while I look at him. "I know it sounds harsh..."
"It's fine." He looks at his empty plate and reaches for another sandwich.
I curse myself. I can't believe that I'm messing this up. "It's not fine," I blurt out. "I made a mistake, and I'm sorry. But I know that being sorry isn't enough."
To my surprise, he reaches out and takes my hand in his, lacing our fingers together. "Apology accepted."
"But..."
"There's no but, Lexi," he responds. "I'm still hurt. And we still have things to talk about. But it's okay. It's happened, and we just have to decide if we can deal with it or not."
I bite my bottom lip but find myself nodding.
I don't want this to be something that breaks us, and holding it over myself is likely to do just that.
I need to trust Edur when he says he's interested in making this work between us, and I have to trust myself that I'm not going to mess this up again.