Chapter 30
When Ben woke the next morning, he was still thinking about question four. He had only answered questions one through three. He reread what he had written.
Outline my goals for the future when we met: Finish grad school, return to Little Rock and do law school, eventually run for office.
Outline Ella’s goals for the future when we met: Graduate from Cal Poly Tech, go to MI, return to Napa and have a big-time job helping wineries become more eco-friendly while still being profitable.
List events that have changed the goals: Getting pregnant and getting married. Moving to AR.
Outline how our goals have changed since we married. Are those goals joint goals or still individual? Or has one person’s agenda hijacked the relationship?
Determined to answer honestly he wrote:
My goals: Still the same—finish grad school, return to Little Rock and do law school, eventually run for office.
For Ella’s he added:
Ella’s goals? New job for sure. Grad school in MI? Being married to me and raising our son together?
When Ben got to the last part of the question, he found it was really hard to breathe.
He was not sure he even wanted to answer it because it meant he was going to have to face a hard truth.
All of this time he had thought Ella was just being selfish and immature.
But now, he knew. This wasn’t on her. It was on him.
The issues in their marriage were his fault.
He had hijacked their relationship without even realizing it.
The worst part of this was he had no idea how to fix it.
If Ella was determined to go to Michigan, where did that leave him?
He was not sure he was prepared to walk away from the future he had spent his whole life building.
But it hit him hard: That was exactly what he was asking from her.
At that moment, he saw no way forward, and he has never felt so lost and hopeless in his entire life.
Quickly before he changed his mind, he jotted down the truth.
Or has one person’s agenda hijacked the relationship? Me. I hijacked this marriage. I changed all of the plans. I have no idea how to fix it.
With all of the questions answered, Ben closed his journal and felt a deep sadness—worse than anything he had ever felt before.
The next few days, Ben spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to figure out a way to fix his marriage without walking away from everything he had ever wanted.
He now knew that if he didn’t, he was asking the woman he loved more than anything else in this world, the mother of his son, to do that very same thing.
Ben had been a total grouch at work. The only highlight was his nightly calls with Ella. They made plans to spend the upcoming weekend together. Ella was going to come to Little Rock on Friday afternoon so they could meet with Jeff.
While Ben was not looking forward to another counseling session, he could hardly wait to see Ella. Talking to her every night was just not enough. He needed more. So much more.
He still had one more question to answer before their meeting with Jeff.
On Thursday night after his call to Ella, Ben crawled in bed with his journal and reread the last question.
Ben’s first instinct was to quickly answer the question off the top of his head, then watch the end of the Arkansas baseball game.
But something stopped him. This was too important to just throw together.
If this process had taught him nothing else, it was that quiet reflection could lead to a deep understanding of one’s self.
Ben actually groaned out loud at his own thoughts. He was sounding like a wacko. But as much as he hated how he sounded, he knew he had hit on a nugget of truth. With that thought, he propped himself up in his bed and let his mind ponder all the things he loved about Ella.
Notes for Jeff Question 3
What do you love best about being married to Ella and what you find most challenging?
Best: Holding her, kissing her, sleeping next to her, waking up next to her, watching tv with her, talking about politics with her, doing literally everything with her,
Most challenging: Being apart and lack of time we spend together, never knowing what is going to set her off, her family, not knowing if our life here can ever be enough, her need to leave me when all I want is to be with her,