Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Mia
C hristmas Eve with the McKinnons is one of my favorite days of the year. But tonight is different. Seeing Dad so emotional has sort of tipped things on its side for me. I had been so certain this was their dream, but now I’m not so sure if maybe it’s Mom’s dream, not Dad’s. All I know is I plan on soaking up every moment I have left with them. Even if I am mentally and physically exhausted.
I miss them already.
There was no hiding my tears from Gus as he drove us to his family’s ranch, but he didn’t say a word. Didn’t try to make it better. He simply slid his hand onto my shoulder, letting me know he was there, while I cried. Without saying a word, he told me it was okay to feel everything I was feeling.
And there was, and still is so much to feel.
To top it off, I have no idea how to feel about moving into Gus’s place.
My sixteen-year-old self would never have believed that one day I would be living in Angus McKinnon’s house. That he decked out my son’s bedroom into a little boy's heaven, and put up a tree and stockings so Santa didn’t forget to show up. That he did all of this, but we’re not together and he’s not the father of my child. We’re just friends. I would have told my thirty-three-year-old self how lame that was.
But also, how very cool.
There’s been a lot of change in a matter of weeks, so it’s nice to have the tradition a night like tonight brings. Although, as much as our traditions stay the same, they are always changing.
My parents have lost a child but gained a grandchild. Charlotte is now a part of the family, but it’s our first Christmas without Aiden, the McKinnon patriarch.
We’re all doing our best to pretend things are normal, but from time-to-time Sharon, Daisy, or one of her brothers have all had moments. We’ve shed tears, but for the most part things have stayed festive. Now we’re all sitting around Sharon’s tree and passing around Secret Santa gifts, just like we do every year.
Angus, Daisy, Charlie, Sawyer, and I sit on the floor while my parents take their place on the love seat, Sharon in her favorite chair, and Cal and Knox on the couch, each taking up the space of two or three. It used to be all of us kids on the floor, but Cal and Knox, the old men of the group, have graduated to the couch this year.
“Mia, you're next!” Daisy hands me a gift. Her up-to-no-good smile tells me all I need to know.
“You’re my Secret Santa, aren’t you?”
She bounces with glee. “I am. Now open, open, open!”
Her excitement is infectious, so I tear the paper off the thin box like a savage. “An e-reader! Daisy, thank you so much. I love it.”
I really do love it. Reading is the only thing I do solely for myself these days. It’s my one luxury when Sawyer goes to bed at night.
“I know you’re old school, but trust me when I tell you, this is gonna change your life. Oh, and you won’t need your library card for a while. I’ve already loaded it with all my favorites.” She gives me a wink and I know what that means. It’s full of naughty romances she knows I’m too embarrassed to check out at the local library. I know everyone that works there, and this is a small town. People talk!
“Pirate porn!” Callen coughs into his hand.
“What in the world are you talking about? On Christmas no less,” Sharon yells at her son, but there’s a smile on her face.
“That’s what Daisy put on Mia’s e-reader, Mom. Pirate porn. Alien porn. You know, all that mommy porn stuff. Apparently, the kinkier the better.”
Charlie gasps. “You are such a jerk!” She smacks him on the leg. “I am never telling you anything ever again.”
“Hey!” he balks. “You’re marrying this jerk!”
“She's got a week to change her mind, you know. You better mind your p’s and q’s until you get her down the aisle,” Knox chimes in. Yes, even Knox, the elusive eldest McKinnon sibling, is home.
Knox is always here for Christmas, but this year he’ll be staying longer than the usual float in and out of town for two nights max. He gets itchy if he’s home for too long. It’s a shame, because their family is incredibly close, and they miss him.
Charlotte was a big-time entertainment lawyer before moving to Goose Hollow to be with Callen and start a business with Daisy, and Knox and his band were her biggest clients. This year, he’s home for not just the holidays, but for all the wedding festivities culminating in the wedding on New Year's Eve. Sharon has been beside herself with joy to have him here for so long.
The whole family is here.
Chris and Aiden may not be here physically, but they’re always with us. I refuse to believe otherwise. We lost my brother in combat eight years ago. The first couple of holiday seasons felt impossible to get through without him. I still miss him every day. We all do. But Angus... he hasn’t been the same since. He was with Chris the day he died. They were best friends, as close as brothers, and coming home without Chris changed something deep inside him.
“Listen to your big brother. I haven’t said I do just yet!”
“Don’t even joke about that, baby. I can’t help it if my sister is a perv.” Callen leans forward to kiss his fiancée from where she sits on the floor between his legs. Their Spiderman kiss is so dang sweet.
The whole room moans, and Cal smirks, loving every second of the teasing.
“Daisy, I am so sorry.”
“There’s no reason to be sorry, Charlie. I’m not embarrassed. Mom, let me know if you want to borrow any of my books.”
“Daisy Brianna McKinnon, there is a child present. That is something you can talk to me about in private after everyone leaves.”
The room bursts out in laughter. Well, not everyone laughs.
“Mom, no!” Knox yells while Cal pretends to vomit. The rest of us laugh and I hold my hand up to Sharon for a high five.
This crazy cast of characters is what I hold most dear to my heart. I love the family I was born into, but the family my parents chose for us is also amazing. You need to have tough skin around this group, but that’s what makes life fun.
Angus isn’t chiming in, though. He chuckled to himself during the mommy porn conversation, but most of his attention has been on my little boy. Sawyer has already used Agnus as a jungle gym. Now, he sits in front of him as they drive different toddler-safe fire trucks, tow trucks, and even dinosaur trucks around the floor. They quietly play as if they’re the only two people in the room. Angus makes truck noises and cute little siren sounds. Sawyer crashes his bestie’s vehicle, pretending it flies through the sky while his audience of one looks like he’s never had this much fun.
Angus McKinnon is a serious man. He doesn’t smile or laugh nearly enough, but something changes when he and Sawyer are together. He turns into a kid, playing and laughing with abandon. They are like whipped cream and hot cocoa, the perfect combo.
He looks up and catches me watching them. My cheeks heat, but I don’t look away and neither does he. He gives me a small smile. My belly somersaults, as per usual, but I swear he’s looking at me differently. In my exhaustion, I must be imagining the change I sense in him because I will always and forever be Goof to him.
It’s easy to take his kindness for more than it is when I’ve wanted his attention for as long as I can remember. Not to mention, we’ve had more one-on-one time together in the past week than we ever have. That’s all it is. I’m tired and loopy from the stress of my parents leaving, the move, and the anxiety waiting to hear about the job.
I’m emotionally spent.
He has never and will never see me romantically.
But what about our moment at the house earlier today? It felt like something more. It felt so real. More intense than things usually feel with Angus.
Lately, nothing feels normal.
Daisy examines the tag on another gift. “Okay, enough of this nonsense. Let’s see. The next present is for Angus. Looks like Mia drew your name this year.”
He plucks Sawyer from the floor beside him and sets him in his lap. “Wanna help me open this, buddy?”
They unwrap the gift and when he sees the dark blue copy of Pride and Prejudice , he smiles a knowing smile before turning his grin to me.
“I thought I would give you a classic with a happy ending. Your book collection is way too emo.”
“You got Angus a book?” Knox asks in mock confusion. His long dark hair is pushed behind his ears, and one of his tattooed arms is thrown across the back of the couch like nothing in the world could phase him.
What I wouldn’t give for an ounce of that confidence.
“Gus can read?” Cal teases next.
“Sweetie, did you put the tag on the wrong gift?” Daisy asks, the multi-colored lights of the tree dancing in her eyes.
Ignoring his siblings, his eyes lock with mine and there is nothing but joy and sincerity shining back at me. “Thank you. I love it.” And he means it. His eyes always give him away, but right now there is no lie to reveal. He really does love the gift.
The embarrassment warming my cheeks a moment ago bursts into a searing heat because he looks at me a little longer than he should. Once again, my stomach flips and my heartbeat accelerates.
Charlie leans over and whispers, “I’d say he likes his gift.”
“It’s an inside joke,” I assure her.
He continues to watch me from across the room as my little boy sleepily cuddles against him.
“I bet it is.”
Hearing the innuendo in her voice, I hurry to explain, “It’s not like that.”
Sawyer takes Gus’s attention away when he snuggles against his chest. I miss his eyes on me the instant they're gone, but watching my baby boy cuddle into him has tears threatening to fall. Not only because of how much I love the sight, but because it’s obvious Sawyer is missing out by not having a daddy in his life. It breaks my heart.
“Whatever you need to tell yourself,” Charlie says, continuing to stir the pot.
“No, really. He doesn’t see me that way. We’re just friends,” I whisper to her.
“If you say so.”