Chapter 33
Chapter Thirty-Three
Angus
M oonlight sneaks through a space in the curtains dimly illuminating the room, projecting an ethereal glow over Mia’s perfect fucking face.
She and Sawyer deserve love, and I want to be the one to give it to them.
Leaning against the doorjamb, in the middle of the night, while she changes her sleepy little boy's diaper, isn’t exactly the most romantic time or place to tell her everything I’ve had running through my mind. But, God, do I want to.
I want to tell her that the more time I spend with them, the more I need them.
That everything I want in my life is right here in this room. Their laughter gives me life and, if given the chance, I’ll do everything in my power to make them happy every single day. Hell, the two of them make me want to be a better man. After talking to her about the podcast offer, I’ve thought more about what to do with my CMH. I want to tell her about my ideas, but that can wait. We have other important matters to discuss first.
I want to share my moment of clarity, but there’s no denying the look of despair on her face. It’s another punch to the gut, but I get it. I’ve felt the same anguish for years, but never more so than the last few months. I’ll give her the time she needs to meet me where I am, but I need to let her know I no longer think of us as an impossibility.
With Sawyer changed and dressed, Mia stands in the middle of the room, swaying back and forth while his eyes close with two slow blinks. She looks tired, almost pleading with me to stop making this connection between us so real.
Impossible.
She lays him down, tucking his stuffed animal under his arm, and pulling his blanket over him. Hesitantly, she turns around, facing me, but doesn’t make a move closer. Almost as though Sawyer had been some sort of shield she was hiding behind.
Unsure how to start the conversation I decide to get right to it. Whispering, I finally risk it all. “You know, I talked to my therapist about you today.”
Her eyes go wide. “You did?”
“I did. It wasn’t the first time either.”
I take two steps. I’m only a couple of feet from her now.
“Is our being here causing you stress? Anxiety? If so, I can figure something else out,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry.”
Her eyes are wild. As close as I am, I can see them growing glossy with tears. This is not how I wanted this to go.
“On the contrary.” I can’t help but reach out and take her hand in mine. “I told her how happy I’ve been since the day I became your husband.”
“Angus...” she breathes on a gasp.
“You and this little guy make me want to be a better man.”
A tear escapes down her cheek, and I wipe it away with my thumb.
“Angus... I can’t. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. I’m done making excuses, Mia.” She tries to pull her hand out of my grasp. I don’t let her. “I know you think the secrets you keep will make me feel differently about you, but I’m not sure that could ever be true. But as much as I want you, there is something I need to share with you first. I need you to know everything. And after, if you want to share your secrets with me, fine. If not, that’s also fine.”
“I don’t deserve your secrets.”
“Why? What could be so bad, Mia? Why won’t you trust me enough to give me a chance to make that decision for myself?”
“I do trust you, but you need to trust me, too. Trust me to know that you would never see me the same again. You would hate me.”
Closing the gap between us, I use my free hand to wipe away the tears streaming down her face. “Come on. Let’s go talk.”
“I can’t. I just can’t.”
Pulling away from my touch, she strides past me into the hallway, leaving me in the middle of Sawyer’s room with an ache in my gut. It hurts but doesn’t deter me. I’ll give her time, but I won’t give up.
Her, bedroom door clicks shut, leaving me to watch Sawyer sleep. God, it feels good to have this kid under my roof. In his room, right here where he belongs.