Chapter 42
Chapter Forty-Two
Mia
F eeling like a shell of a human, I stand next to the bar faking a smile. Speaking when spoken to. Nodding when appropriate. Pretending my entire world isn’t on the verge of implosion.
It’s been two weeks since I blew up my world. I’ve barely eaten. My nerves are so frazzled I can barely do my job. Every time my phone rings or the ping of a text comes through, I panic, thinking, this is it. But I haven’t heard a thing from any of the McKinnons outside of the norm. I’ve seen Daisy multiple times, if she knew, she would have said something. This I know for sure.
I’ve avoided Sunday dinner the last two weeks, but other than that, things are eerily normal. Too normal.
I’m so on edge that a couple of days ago our receptionist, Jane, tried to hand me a large legal-sized envelope and I wouldn’t take it from her. I honestly thought I was being served. That Knox had filed legal papers asking for custody.
She looked at me like I was crazy and left it on the desk at the nurses' station. Thankfully, she’s been kind enough not to bring it up again. Who knows what she must think of me?
The day after I came clean to Angus, I texted to tell him we would find another place to live, but he told me to stay. He was back in the loft and didn’t need the house. I’ve stayed, selfishly not wanting to leave his space, and frankly, I have nowhere else to go.
The thing is, it doesn’t feel like it did when he was living there with us. A piece of us is missing. Sawyer has asked for his Gus Gus more times than I can count, and it hurts my soul every time he does. I should have known better than to bring Angus into our lives like I did. Sawyer’s heart was at risk too and now he’s paying the price.
Keeping Sawyer’s father's identity was a decision I made the minute I found out I was pregnant. I was so certain it was the right thing to do that I didn’t think about it often. Until Angus kissed me at the stroke of midnight.
He changed everything.
Subconsciously, I knew the day would come when the truth would reveal itself. How could it not? But I never could have imagined the shame would be so all-consuming. Or that seeing the pain on Angus’s face would shatter me the way it has.
Yet, here I am. Faking it until I make it, because all I have is Sawyer and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. Even if that means spending my Friday night at a loud country bar, when I would rather be anywhere else. No, I didn’t have to come out tonight, but after the wake-up call I got yesterday, I knew it would be best if I were here.
Dr. Gibbons pulled me into her office yesterday to ask if I was okay. She said she was worried about me and asked if things were okay at home. Lying, I told her everything was great and told myself to snap out of it. If I can put on a brave face at home for Sawyer, I can do it at work, too.
Everything I do is for Sawyer.
I selfishly indulged, letting Angus into my arms and my heart. As a result, I lost him and will no doubt lose much more.
I’m lost in my head when someone says my name. I register Hailey’s voice, but I missed her question.
“I’m sorry. What was that?”
She raises her voice, thinking the music was the reason I didn’t hear her. “I asked where your husband was. Is he not going to make it?”
I’m surprised it took as long as it did for someone to ask, and hate that another lie has to leave my mouth.
“Oh. I. Uh...”
“Speak of the devil.” Jane smiles.
A gasp escapes me when a familiar hand slides across my palm, his fingers lacing with mine.
“Hey, babe. Sorry, I’m late.” He places a kiss on my cheek.
I don’t look at him, afraid I’ll fall apart in front of everyone. Tears burn my eyes, my body shaking from the shock of his presence.
Angus is here.
What does it mean?
Does he forgive me?
Or is he simply being true to his word, being the kind man that he is, showing up to continue the farce we’ve concocted for my employer?
He must feel me shaking because he wraps an arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side. His lips brush against my temple as he whispers, “You’re okay. I got you.”
His words are my undoing.
“Excuse me. I’ll be right back.” I beam the biggest smile I can muster and make a beeline for the bathrooms without looking at him. I’m too terrified to see his face, because with one look I’ll know if he’s here out of the kindness of his heart or if he’s here because he wants more.
Luckily, it’s early enough in the night that there isn’t a line, and I walk right into the bathroom and into an empty stall, locking the door behind me. I tip my head to the ceiling, coaxing my tears back inside where they belong as I take deep breaths in through my nose and out of my mouth. Two weeks of waiting for the other shoe to drop has every nerve of my body frayed and misfiring, but I haven’t cried.
“He’s here. That has to mean something,” I whisper to myself just before the sounds of the bar fill the small room when the door opens, drifting away when it closes.
“Mia, you okay?”
Shit.
“All good.” I leave the cocoon of my stall much sooner than I would have liked to find Jane leaning a hip against the counter, a concerned look on her face.
“You sure?”
Just keep lying Mia. You excel at it, after all.
“I’m sure. Thanks for asking.” I wash my hands for something to do as she watches me in the mirror. “Sawyer hasn’t been sleeping well this week, and I feel like a zombie. We’ll probably have to make it an early night. I’m not as young as I once was, and a Friday night out after a week of no sleep isn’t as easy these days.”
“I can’t imagine. I’m not a parent, but I’ve watched my sister with my niece and nephew, and she’s been right where you are. She stays home with them and when they were tiny, she’d be lucky to get a shower every few days.”
“It’s tough as a—” I catch myself. Almost slipping and mentioning how tough it can be as a single parent. I’m such a terrible liar. “Well, it can be tough for any parent, but I’m pretty lucky. He’s usually a great sleeper. I’m sure this is just a phase.”
“Well, no one will think any less of you if you take off. We all get it.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that.”
Jane stays to use the facilities, and I venture back to the bar where Angus is holding court. When he sees me, he excuses himself, meeting me halfway.
Reaching for me, he wraps his arms around me in a giant bear hug that takes my breath away, clutching me to him so tightly it’s almost painful. He holds me as though he thought he never would again. Or maybe he’s saying goodbye. Maybe the other shoe is about to drop, and he’s sorry for the shitstorm about to come, because he finally told Knox.
I don’t know what’s going on in his head, because I still haven’t summoned the courage to look him in the eyes. I’m clueless about what comes next, but it doesn’t stop me from taking advantage of being in his arms, inhaling the scent of him in case it’s the last time.
Sooner than I’d like, he releases me, grabbing my hand. “Dance with me. We need to talk.”
He isn’t asking, and he doesn’t wait for my reply. With his hand in mine, he leads me to the busy dance floor. What small semblance of calm I had found in the bathroom takes flight, leaving me a shaking mess once again.
We fall into a slow two-step. I keep my eyes on the floor, not ready to know what I’ll find in the relentless stare I feel.
We take two silent trips around the floor before he finally speaks. “Mia, look at me.”
My insides run cold from the authoritative tone of his voice, but I can’t.
“Goof, please look at me.”
The earnestness in his voice gives me the strength to face him. When I do, his expression is serious, focused on nothing but me.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
My beleaguered heart sinks and the tears I fought earlier beg to fall, but I can do anything for Sawyer and that includes not crying in front of my coworkers. I blink them back and drop my gaze once again.
Sliding his fingers through mine, he moves us off the dance floor to an empty corner of the bar. He drops my hand and reaches out to touch my face, but I take a step away. The touch that once brought me comfort and pleasure, is too much now. Each touch brands me, leaving me scarred. People move around us, but I don’t see their faces. The music is nothing more than white noise. Our surroundings blur as I wait for him to tell me all the reasons he’s done with me.
Closing the distance between us, he takes my hand in his once again, and I brace myself. “Mia, there’s nothing fake about the way I feel about you and Sawyer. I want... no... I need this to be real.”
“What?” I whisper, not sure I heard him correctly.
“The last two weeks have been fucking awful. I’m sorry for going quiet for so long, but I needed the time to sort through the mess in my head. I talked to Dr. Laughlin. I talked to Mom. And I missed you.”
My body stills, fear consuming me.
“You told your mom?”
“Don’t worry. I didn’t tell her about Knox. It’s not my story to tell. But she knows how I feel about you.”
My body sags in relief but doubt still has a firm grip on my heart.
“And... You... You still want to be with me? Even though...”
I’m as confused as I’m sure I sound, because how could he still want me?
He lifts my chin with his forefinger and kisses me as though I’m precious to him.
“Of course I do,” he says against my lips. Then, pulling back, his caramel eyes meet mine and he picks up the pieces of my heart, patching it back together with his words. “Loving you is like living on the sun. Trying to exist without you is like existing in the dark. And God, do I need to be blinded by your light. I need you like I need my next breath. My next heartbeat.”
The tears I’ve been fighting for two weeks finally get their way as they stream down my face, dripping off my jaw. Someone must have spiked my beer, because none of this makes sense.
“Happy tears?”
I nod. My body shaking from the sobs overtaking my body.
Wrapping me in his arms, he turns me so I’m facing the corner, giving me privacy. “Deep breaths, baby. I got you.”
Angus McKinnon loves me. This can’t be my life.
His words, the warmth of his embrace, his manly citrus scent, everything about him settles me. My surroundings become clear again. The song playing is recognizable, but who knows what it is. My sobs subside.
“Is this real?” I ask, needing confirmation I heard him correctly.
His mouth lifts on one side, igniting the fire low in my belly that always roars to life when he aims his smile in my direction. Even though I’m drowning in a melting pot of emotions, he strokes the passion inside me.
“As a heart attack. I want to make this work between us. If you’ll have me?”
All I can do is smile up at him.
“The thing is, we can’t be an us until Knox knows.”
And there it is. The other shoe has dropped. I knew this was coming, but still ice infiltrates my veins at the mere thought, diminishing the abundant joy from a moment ago. My tears dry instantly.
“Goof, we have to tell him. I’ll be by your side every step of the way, but we can’t do this if the truth isn’t out there.”
“I know.”
He’s right. I know he’s right, but it’s still my worst nightmare coming true.
“Babe, I need you to know it won’t be easy for me either. I want nothing more than for Sawyer to be mine and I hope you know that Uncle or Dad, I couldn’t love that kid more.”
He loves me, and he loves my son. This should be the happiest moment of my life. Instead, every fear I’ve buried since I found out I was pregnant has come to fruition.
“What if he rejects him?”
“I know my brother, and beneath that egotistical persona he’s a good man.”
“You heard him that night. I refuse to be treated like some groupie who he thinks is after his fame and fortune.”
“If he says anything disrespectful to you, I’ll kick his rock star ass.”
“He’s your brother. I would never ask you to pick sides.”
“Let me make one thing clear.” His lips gently caress mine for the briefest moment before resting his forehead against mine. “Your heart is the only one that matters.”
There have never been a more beautiful eight words spoken.
“Angus.” Choked by emotion, it’s all I can get out.
“This. Us.” He moves his finger back and forth between us. “It feels right, doesn’t it?”
I nod.
“I love you, Mia. And you love me. At least you did two weeks ago.” His dark eyes beg for reassurance.
“I’ve loved you my entire life. I always will.”
“Then it’s settled.”
“You’re sure? Being with me means an instant family. Two for the price of one.”
“I’d say I’m a pretty lucky guy then.”
Before I can reply, I’m back in his arms, his lips against mine.
We stay tucked away in the corner a few more seconds before the real-world smacks us upside the head with the sound of a familiar voice clearing her throat.
Why can’t everyone just leave us alone?
Angus slips his fingers through mine, and we turn to face the last person I want to see right now.
“Hey, baby sister.”
“Don’t baby sister me. Outside now. Both of you.”
She’s just as pissed as I thought she would be.
Neither of us argue. There’s really no point when Daisy is this upset. We follow her outside and once on the sidewalk, away from prying eyes, she lets loose. “How could you?” She directs the question at Angus, pointing her finger into his chest.
He doesn’t react. He’s as cool as a cucumber.
My cucumber.
This thought and the feel of his hand in mine send a giddy shiver through my body. I should be worried about my best friend's wrath, instead I’m preoccupied with the fact that Angus loves me. Is in love with me.
My giddiness is short-lived, because Daisy is just getting started.
“My best friend, Angus?” she shouts. “She’s a mom! Not some random hook-up! What the hell?”
“Two things,” he says calmly. “First, I know she’s a mom and I love them both. Second, you don’t have to tell me the difference between Mia and other women. There is no comparison.”
She opens her mouth to continue, but her words die on her lips. Her eyes move from him to me, down to our joined hands, then back up to look her brother in the eyes. “You love her?” It comes out in a shocked whisper.
“Yes.”
His answer is simple. It’s everything.
Her attention moves to me. “And you love him?”
“I do,” I answer honestly.
He squeezes my hand, and we wait for her to put the puzzle pieces together. When her brows furrow, I know what she’s thinking.
“Is... Are you?”
“No,” I interrupt. “He’s not Sawyer’s father.”
“I don’t understand.” She’s confused. I get it. I’ve kept this from her our whole lives. “I mean, I assumed you two hooked-up when you didn’t come home after the party, but love…. How could I have missed that?”
“It’s always been her. I just never had the balls to tell her.”
She stares at her brother, dumbfounded.
A feeling of lightheadedness hits me at the sound of his words. There’s no hesitation. No fear. To hear him speak of his feelings for me so freely eases my mind of all the concerns and worries I know I should feel right now.
“And you? Since when?”
It’s time to tell my truth. If Angus can do it, so can I. “Always.”
“What do you mean, always ?”
“Well, I can’t remember a time I didn’t feel this way about him. If you need me to pinpoint it, I’d say fourth grade. Back then, it was a crush. Now it’s the real deal.”
“And by real deal, you’re saying you are in love with my brother?”
“I am.”
He lifts our joined hands and presses a kiss to the back of my hand. Daisy looks horrified at the display of affection.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“He’s your brother. I knew you wouldn’t approve. And I never thought he would feel the same way, so why tell anyone? I was embarrassed. I kept it to myself.”
“You could have told me.”
Releasing his hand, I step toward Daisy. “I’m sorry, Dais.”
She lifts her hand to stop me from getting closer. “No.”
“Daisy,” I plead.
“I can’t. Not now.”
She walks past us, leaving without another word.
“Well, that went well,” Angus jokes.
“That was bad, wasn’t it?”
“She’ll be fine.” He tugs on my hand, opening the door to the bar. “C’mon, I wanna dance with my wife.”