Chapter 51
Chapter Fifty-One
Ryan
“ H ey, you.”
The relief in Knox’s voice when he answers my call instantly makes me regret waiting so long to reach out. I texted earlier that I was gonna skip tonight’s show, but I also promised him I’d call before he went on stage. They go on in thirty minutes, so I’m cutting it close.
“Hey. I know you go on stage soon. Am I interrupting?”
“Never. I’m just glad to hear your voice.”
God, I miss him. The last five days I’ve been a shell of myself.
Getting out of bed and going through the motions of my day feels like climbing uphill through the thick sands of a dune.
All I want to do is sink into the sand and disappear.
Then I hear his voice and I’m not sure what it is I’m still sifting through in my head .
I’m not sure why I don’t return his sentiment, but I don’t. Instead, I go with generic pleasantries. “So, how was the meeting with the guys?”
“I told them about Sawyer, Ry.”
My heart leaps with excitement, because I know without a doubt they supported him.
“Oh, Knox. I’m so glad. How did it feel to get it off your chest?”
“Fucking fantastic.”
“Told you they’d have your back.”
“You were right. Not only did they have my back, but it opened the door to discuss the more deep-rooted issues I’ve been holding inside for far too many years. It’s all out there now, and we’re still a family. I can breathe when I’m around them again.”
His voice sounds lighter.
He really needed this.
I knew it would be better if I wasn’t there to get in the way.
“I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks, baby.”
Baby.
The elation running through my veins from his happiness along with his sweet baby is physical.
My stomach flips, my heart thumps, and I walk circles around my living room.
I’m so happy for him. This is what he needed.
After meeting Sawyer, this was the last thing he really needed to do before heading home in two weeks.
His life is on track.
He feels better about himself.
He has hope .
It takes hearing his voice again to realize he’s waiting for me to speak. “I miss you, Ry.”
“I miss you too.”
It’s the truth. I do miss him. However, as much as I miss him, me staying out of the way was the best thing for the band and for me. They needed to talk and focus on their journey together, and I needed space.
Seeing my face all over the internet. Reading the comments about the “mystery redhead” were too much all at once. I’ve spent the last few days reading, wallowing in the nastiness of strangers behind their keyboards, while telling myself I don’t want a life spent in the limelight of the paparazzi.
The truth is, I fell head over heels in love with Knox and the moment I had an out; I took it. Not only did I run away and hide, but I also started stacking those bricks back up around my heart again.
“I need to see you.”
My chest tightens. “I’ll only be in the way.”
“The doc crew knows that what happened with Rob is not to be included in the film. The dickhead already took a settlement and signed an NDA. You won’t be in the way. You won’t be a distraction, either.”
“Soon.”
“What can I do? What answers do you need from me to help you make your decision?”
“What?”
“Baby, I know you aren’t staying away for the band. Well, maybe that’s a part of it, but what you’re really doing is deciding if I’m worth the bullshit that comes with being in my life. You’re deciding if we have a future. ”
Well shit. He just called me out and he isn’t wrong. Well, he’s wrong about part of it.
“Please don’t say that. None of this is about you. It’s about me and whether being with me is worth it to you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The last thing you need is the press to get wind of our relationship. I mean, how bad will it look when they find out that the journalist chronicling your farewell tour is sleeping with the lead singer?”
“Don’t care.”
“The press was leaving you alone until that fight. You had relative peace until I brought chaos into your life.”
“Bullshit excuse.”
“What if I’m not enough? What if social media is right and I’m not your type? You might wake up one day and realize everything they’re saying is true.”
I’m grasping at straws. I know this.
God, since when do I care what people think?
Do I even care?
Or am I using it as a way out?
Doing what I do best and closing myself off before I get hurt.
“ You are my type, Ryan. My only type. As far as you being enough... you exceed every ideal I’ve ever had about my dream woman. You’re so damn much you’ve got me holding on for dear life. I’m the one who should be worried that I’m not enough, not you.”
For the first time in days a smile tugs at the corners of my mouth. The sincerity in his voice knocking down the bricks I had put back up over the last few days. My heart flutters and my worries seem miniscule when compared to the way I feel about this man.
“I’m really glad I called,” I say through a smile I’m sure he can hear in my voice.
“Me too, baby.”
In the background, Trevor says, “Wrap it up. We gotta get out there.”
“I heard that. I’ll let you go.”
“You sure? They can wait if you need to talk through anything else.”
“Thousands of people cannot wait while you talk to me.”
“You’re more important.”
Stomping my feet in glee, my heart is soaring. His attention and willingness to talk through this, no matter how long it takes, has me giddy.
“Have a good show, old man.”
“I’ll call you after.”
“Okay.”
“Bye, baby.”
I need to get my head on straight. Put on my big girl pants and make the biggest decision of my life.
Do I open myself up and give all of me to Knox, or walk away before we’re both in too deep?