Chapter 50
Chapter Fifty
Knox
Ryan
Unless you count Sugar, I’ve never had a pet. I think I want a dog.
Ryan
I miss you.
Knox
I still have my favorite stuffed animal from childhood hidden at the cabin.
Knox
I’m telling the guys about Sawyer today.
Knox
I miss you more.
“ W ell, we settled the issue with Braun. He took the payout and signed an NDA,” Trevor announces.
We’re having a team meeting in his suite. It’s just the five of us at the large dining table. No film crew, no families. Like the old days.
I lean forward, clasping my hands in front of me on the table. “I know I’ve said it before, but I’m sorry for the chaos. However, I’m not sorry for protecting Ryan. Even though it’s obvious now he wasn’t planning to hurt her. He wanted my attention, and he fucking got it.”
“It’s all good. He’s a prick. We would have done the same if we’d seen him forcing himself on any of the girls,” Sean assures me. “We’re good, brother.”
“Thanks, man.”
“Did he fight you on the NDA?” Jay asks Trevor.
“Nope. The fucker knew it was coming. Seemed worth it to him. I swear he got some sick pleasure from sending this one into a rage.” He hikes his thumb in my direction.
“Let’s face it. He’s got it bad for McKinnon.
It’s the hair,” Matt speaks up and I flip him off.
“Fucking us over a decade ago wasn’t enough for him.
He wanted your music then and now he wants your girl, or at least to rub it in your face that he had her first. He wants what he thinks is your perfect life. ”
The mention of him with Ryan makes me sick to my stomach. “My life is far from perfect.”
“Do tell,” Shawn says, his face soft and open as though he’s been waiting for this moment.
I glance at Trevor, and he nods in encouragement. He’s right. It’s time. I should have told them ages ago. They deserve to know.
I drop my head into my hands, afraid to meet their eyes. The room is silent. My friends give me the space to breathe and speak when I’m ready.
It takes me longer than it should to form the words, but once I do, I don’t stop.
I start with the call from Mia and Angus and my reaction to the news.
We talk about the five minutes in the bathroom at the Grammy after-party that I’d forgotten about until the call.
I confess I was too ashamed to tell the best dads I know that I have a kid of my own, but his mother didn’t want anyone to know I’m the father.
I admit that my kid brother will likely be Sawyer’s primary father figure, and the situation seemed too fucked up to share.
I tell them about our call the night I kicked Ryan off the bus.
Then I fill them in on the events of last week and what it was like to meet Sawyer for real. How it felt equally heartbreaking and beautiful. That he was perfect, and I was pretty sure I was moving back to our hometown.
They spoke up here and there during my story.
They were pissed at Mia for keeping my son from me, although somewhat understanding where she was coming from.
However, nobody took her side. They were supportive and tried to be positive, but they couldn’t hide the sadness in their eyes when I spoke about the two and a half years I had lost. Mostly, they seemed dumbstruck and not sure what the hell to say, so they let me ramble.
But there was something else I needed to get off my chest. Something that had been on my mind for years and I didn’t know how to explain it without sounding like a child, but they deserved an apology .
Standing, I paced back and forth a couple of times before stopping at the head of the table. “Listen, I know I’ve been shitty to all of you. The last few years, I haven’t made it easy to be my friend. For that, I am more sorry than you’ll ever know.”
“Dude, it’s all good,” Sean says, brushing things off like he always does.
“It’s not.”
“Can you tell us what changed? Why the animosity?”
“Fuck.” I rub my hand over my face. “The truth is, the three of you have been living the life I’ve always wanted.” Met with confused looks, I continue. “Wives, kids, families…”
“Excuse me?” Matt says. “Mister, no commitment and blow jobs from supermodels whenever he wants. All you do is bitch about how boring we are and how we’ve ruined the band.”
“Yeah, and it’s all bullshit.”
Silence.
“You three are living the dream,” I continue, retaking my seat at the head of the table.
“Watching you each find your person. Fall in love. Have kids. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Yet, I hadn’t found my person. Didn’t have that someone to lean on.
And yes, before you say it, I know I still had the three of you and your families are my family too, but it’s not the same.
I was never enough for anyone. The somewhat attractive lead singer with good hair bullshit only lasts so long.
Once anyone got close enough to know the real me, they bailed.
Or they were just using me for the fame.
I put up walls to prevent anyone from getting too close to avoid the rejection before it could happen. ”
“Knox,” Jay says quietly, but I continue .
“It was too much to take at times. My envy fueling the anger I hurled in your direction. I tried to numb it with alcohol, but booze just made it worse. Made me meaner. Made me do stupid shit like what happened with Mia. The night we made Sawyer was an all-time low for me. I’m not sure I had ever been that drunk or hateful.
It should have been the night of our lives, and I was the plastered asshole who fucked it all up.
I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for all the years you’ve put up with me.
You didn’t have to. You could have told me to kick rocks a long time ago and it would have been understandable.
But you didn’t. Thank you for sticking by my side through the shit years. ”
Matt speaks first. “None of us are perfect, man. It’s not like the sun shines out our asses. We’ve all gone through shit and have been there for each other.”
“I appreciate that, but I think we can all agree, I’ve been a bigger pain in your asses than you’ve been in mine.”
“Wish you would have told us about how you’ve felt all these years. About Mia and Sawyer. About Ryan. About whatever’s going on in your life.”
“I know, Matt. My pride got in the way.”
“Brothers. Always,” Jay states. Two words that mean so much.
“I know.”
“Do you?” he fires back. “Because we are family. We love you.”
“Ditto,” Sean agrees.
“I love you fuckers, too. That includes you.” I point in Trevor’s direction.
Trevor nods. Clearing the emotion from his throat. “It seems you may have found your person though. ”
Jay perks up. “Yes, give us the tea.”
“The tea?”
“Shut up. You know what I mean, how the hell did that come about?”
“He heard her sing!” Sean says, smacking the table.
“That sure didn’t hurt. I mean, for fuck’s sake, that voice of hers,” I confess.
“No shit.” Matt shakes his head. “Don’t think any of us expected that.”
“So, are the two of you making beautiful music together?” Sean bats his eyelashes at me, thinking he’s funny.
“All I will say is it happened slowly. Things started becoming real a few weeks ago, but I don’t want to share too much.”
“Don’t want to jinx it?” Jay asks, knocking on the wooden table for luck.
“I guess so, but also because I haven’t talked to her about it yet. I’m not sure what she wants to share.”
“Trev, check the back of his head for a zipper. We need to confirm that’s really him and not some imposter dressed in his skin,” Jay says, his face a little too serious for my liking.
“Sue me for having some respect for her.”
“He’s kidding,” Matt assures me. “It’s nice. I hope this is it for you, buddy. You deserve it.”
“So, she knows everything about Mia?” Trevor asks.
“She does. And before you say it, she doesn’t need to sign an NDA. I trust her.”
“Wasn’t going to mention it. She already signed one at the start. She knows she can’t print anything she finds out off the record. Besides, I trust her too. She’s good people.”
“She is,” I agree.
“So, why isn’t she here?”
It’s night five. She still hasn’t come back to the hotel or MSG for a show.
“She says there’s too much attention on what happened night one and if she’s here, she’ll be a distraction.
I think it was a wakeup call and she’s trying to decide if I’m worth all the hassle.
Her face is now splashed across all the trash social media sites, and paps were waiting at her building by the end of the show. ”
It’s quiet for a moment but leave it to Trevor to keep things real. “Her life changed in the blink of an eye. It’s a lot to consider.”
“Dude, you’re worth it. She knows that. She just needs time.”
“From your lips, Sean.” I point to the sky. “I hope the big guy is on my side this time around.”
“I hate to be the one to break this up, but the car will be here in five.” Trevor gestures toward the exit. “We need to get our shit together and out the door.”
“Hang on, Trev. This is cause for celebration and it will only take a minute.” Jay ducks behind the bar, reappearing with a bottle of tequila and five glasses.
Bringing them back to the table, he pours a shot for each of us.
“Congratulations, McKinnon. You’re a fucking dad and you’re gonna be phenomenal at it. ”
Glasses held high, Matt says, “How about a fuck, yeah!”
“Fuck yeah!” we all yell before slamming back our shots.
Glasses down, they each take their turn embracing me, showing me the love and support that would have been there for months if I had let them in. I thank them, and with the shame lifted from my shoulders, I can breathe again .
Lately, it’s only been when I’m with Ryan that I can take a full breath, but after this conversation, I stand a chance at feeling like the man I’ve always wanted to be.
I have a lot to prove to Sawyer, Mia, and my whole family regarding sticking around and raising my kid, but I’m not letting them down.
Going home... being a dad... it’s what I want.
But will Ryan be a part of that life?
I’m worried I’m losing her.
Sure we’ve continued to text fun facts about each other first thing when we wake up and we’ve talked on the phone every day, but she asked that I not come over.
There’s one lone pap still camping outside her place and she knows if I’m seen going in or out of her building, the rest will be back in no time.
I understand and I appreciate her not wanting to distract the band with everything we have going on right now.
However, I also know she’s using this time to decide if she’s gonna cut and run.
She’s shit at hiding her emotions. If I could see her face, I’d know where I stand with her.
If I could kiss her lips, I’d remind her how good we are together.