Chapter 64
Chapter Sixty-Four
Ryan
“ H ello? Knox? I’m home.”
That’s the first time I’ve said that since we’ve been here. My heart skips a beat hearing the words out loud. I love everything about the bubble Knox and I have here at the lake. Our own little sanctuary.
After our emotional visit to see baby Grace at the hospital last night, I had an idea. I’ve got a surprise for him and as excited as I am to give it to him, I’m nervous, hoping I haven’t overstepped.
Walking toward the back sliding glass door, I find Knox busying himself with something outside.
“There you are. Whatcha up to?” I say, as I slip out of the cool house and into the heat of the day. “Sorry I’m late. I got you a gift, and it took a little longer than expected.” When I reach the picnic table, I freeze, panic spilling down my spine .
Blocking my view of the table, he pulls me into his arms. “I missed you.” He kisses me, but it doesn’t ease my mind the way it usually does. All I can think about is what I see on the table.
“Knox, what’s going on?”
“I need your help with something.”
No, no, no, no, no.
“Knox, you can’t be serious.”
“It’s just hair.”
“ Your hair is not just hair. Your hair is beautiful. It’s legendary. It’s you.”
“You afraid you won’t be attracted to me without it?”
“Impossible,” I say, softening my voice. “But it’s a big deal, Knox.”
“It also garners a lot of attention that I am trying desperately to avoid. I want a fresh start.”
“And you think shaving your head is necessary to start fresh?”
Taking me by the hand, he walks us over to the kitchen chair at the end of the table next to a brush, razor, and towel. He takes a seat, drapes the towel over his shoulders, then pulls me onto his lap.
“The bad boy rocker lifestyle was great while it lasted, but it wasn’t real. This.” He motions between the two of us. “You and me. We are the only thing that’s real. Other than my family, the rest is just noise.”
“I love you, but I’m not sure it should be me who does this.”
“It has to be you.”
“Why?” I ask calmy, but in my head the word is a scream .
“Because I don’t want to share this moment with anyone else.”
What am I supposed to say to that?
“You sure?”
“Please?”
Slipping off his lap, I say, “Of course, baby.”
He shifts in his seat. I’m not sure if he’s simply getting comfortable or if he’s nervous. Personally, I’m scared shitless.
His hair is freshly washed, and I take my time brushing it. Then, starting at the scalp, I glide my fingers through his thick waves, several times, only stopping when the hum of the razor startles me.
“You’re stalling.”
“I’m not stalling, I’m taking in one last moment of peace before the women of the world come after me with pitchforks.”
“Dramatic much?” He opens my hand and places the vibrating clippers in my palm.
“This feels like a crime against humanity. They’re going to put a hit out on me.”
Nope, not dramatic at all.
Placing myself behind him, I warn, “Remember, this was your idea. I’ve never shaved someone’s head before.”
“The guard is set. You can’t mess it up. I’ll clean it up after if I need to.”
My hand shakes when I position the trimmer at his hairline. I can’t make myself do it.
“Please, Ry.”
The desperation in his plea and the touch of his hand on mine is all I need to make the first swipe. I’m grateful I’m behind him. He doesn’t need to see the tear slipping over my cheek.
My heart hurts as I buzz the evil device over his head.
Once the first locks of hair fall to the grass at our feet, he begins his story.
“When I was seventeen, my dad, his best friend, Steve Buck, and I went snowmobiling. Well, he and Dad were going, and I begged them to take me along. When they were in the equipment shed at the ranch, getting ready to head out, I showed up in my snow gear like they had invited me along. We only had two snowmobiles, but it didn’t take much to talk Steve into letting me tag along.
Dad wasn’t thrilled, but he relented. I climbed on the back of Steve’s ride and we were off. ”
He takes a deep inhale. When he exhales his chest and shoulders move with the motion. His story is about to take a turn I’m not sure I want to hear.
“Dad was on the left; Steve and I were on the right. The snow was perfect. We were racing, but only going around fifty miles an hour, nowhere close to top speed, when Steve hit something buried under the snow. Our sled went flying. Steve and I were thrown in different directions. I landed on fluffy snow. Steve went headfirst into a tree. He wasn’t wearing a helmet.
When he agreed to take me out with them, he gave me his, opting for goggles and layers to keep warm. He died on impact.”
I freeze halfway through the act of eliminating one of the last reminders of his previous life. “Oh, Knox. I’m so sorry.”
He reaches back for my hand, urging me to continue.
“If I hadn’t been such a spoiled brat who refused to take no for an answer, he’d still be here today. It was my fault a wife lost her husband, and her children lost their dad that day.”
“Knox, no.”
He ignores me, his hand once again encouraging me to keep going while he continues his story.
“Dad told the police and the Buck family that it was just the two of them. I was never there as far as everyone knew. I’m not sure how he did it, but being the pillar of the community that he was, nobody questioned his story. It ate me alive.”
He’s still but I hear the shake in his voice as he stares at the lake in front of him. I’d do anything to take away his anguish, but for now all I can do is listen.
“Dad provided an alibi and instructed me to never tell anyone I was there. We never spoke of it again and I was too ashamed to ask any questions. The day of Steve’s funeral was the worst day of my life.
Things were so dark for a time I honestly considered taking my life.
Seeing his son at school, his wife at the house visiting with Mom, crying on her shoulder.
It was too much. Graduation couldn’t come soon enough.
There was no way I could stay in this town. ”
My heart breaks for him and the thought of him so desperate he thought about taking his own life evokes a combination of feelings I could never put into words.
So many things make sense now. Only coming home a few days a year. The secluded cabin down a dirt road far from town. His low sense of self-worth brought to the surface when he found out about Sawyer.
“I ran into Steve’s wife today. She and her entire family have been what I’ve been running from all these years and there she was, hugging me and telling me how glad she was to see me. Me . The person who caused her so much heartbreak. I felt like such a piece of shit.”
“Knox.”
“She’s remarried, you know. Seems happy.”
“That’s nice,” I reply, clueless what else to say.
“Yet, her loss still haunts me. Moving back means being reminded of what happened to Mister Buck on a daily basis. It’s going to be hard, Ry, but I know this is where I’m supposed to be.
Besides my dad and the big man upstairs, you’re the only person who knows.
I needed you to have the full picture of the man you are choosing to spend your life with. Some days may be harder than others.”
The last of his hair falls to the ground as my heart jolts from the impact of his words.
I set the clippers down, moving so I’m standing between his legs, rubbing my hands over the short hair left from his new buzz cut.
He’s still the most beautiful man I’ve ever known.
Inside and out. Tugging the towel off, he drops it to the ground, pulling me onto his lap.
I straddle him, our faces only a few inches apart.
He takes me by surprise when he gently cups my face in his hands and continues.
“I’m not proposing marriage, because I know how you feel about it, but I am proposing a life together.
A simple life where you can write, and we can ride whenever we want.
I may be a bit of a recluse who doesn’t leave the lake often, but I want a dog, and I want to be around for my kid.
I’ll always have wanderlust and need to travel, but I want to wander the world with you by my side.
I’ll keep my place in Los Angeles, and I’d still like to ditch my penthouse and buy your place in the city.
Nothing about us is temporary, Ryan. Not where I’m concerned. ”
It doesn’t surprise me in the least that he would rather give up his penthouse to stay at my apartment.
The Knox McKinnon I know is not what the public sees.
He’s a simple man who doesn’t need much to be content.
For him, it’s the company he keeps that matters most. But he isn’t thinking this through.
He’s living in the present. He’s not considering the future.
I press a kiss to his lips before he rests his forehead against mine. My hands can’t seem to stop rubbing over his short hair.
“Now that you know everything and my luscious locks are gone, you at all interested in my proposal?”
“An unfortunate accident when you were a teenager could never change the way I feel about you. I’m so sorry you’ve had to keep that bottled up inside you all these years. You should have had someone to talk to about it.”
Ignoring my comments about him talking to someone, he deflects. “So, the childhood trauma isn’t a red flag, but the new look…?”
Leaning back, I pretend to inspect him, gripping his chin to turn his head left and right. “Besides the flat side, it’ll do.” I wink, so he knows I’m kidding.
“Ry, just tell me if you still want this. Want me. Because I love the hell out of you and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my days proving to you how much.”
Knowing my next words could end my time with the only man I’ve ever loved, I say them anyway.
“You talk as though being with you is some sort of sacrifice, when the truth is the life you’ve proposed sounds like a dream.
It’s you who would be sacrificing everything you’ve ever wanted.
You know I don’t want to get married, and I can’t give you children.
It’s you who needs to consider all of my red flags.
You might wake up ten years from now wishing you had thought things through. ”
“What’s there to think about? I’m yours and you’re mine.
That’s all there is to it. I’m in this for the long haul.
Take as long as you need to work through what you need to.
My offer won’t expire. But baby, when I say long haul, I mean it.
My great grandpa lived to be a hundred and five and my grandpa Chuck is in his nineties. I ain’t going anywhere.”
He pulls me against his chest. We hold each other, neither of us speaking. He’s said all he needed to say. Now I have to decide if I’m selfish enough to take his forever.
We don’t let go of one another until the heat of the day has our T-shirts sticking together where our sweaty bodies touch. “Don’t think I forgot you mentioned a gift? Let’s go inside and see what you’ve been up to.”