12. Hall Pass
Hall Pass
Nadine’s leg bounced incessantly as she glanced at the clock on Dr. Flournoy’s wall.
Eddie was late. He’d promised to show up to her session.
In some ways, Nadine hoped that he wouldn’t.
Then maybe she wouldn’t have to deal with the shit show that was now her life.
She glanced at Dr. Flournoy, who didn’t seem to have a worried or exasperated expression at all.
She was the epitome of calm. Nadine needed to learn how to be that calm.
“I’m sure he’ll be here, Nadine,” Dr. Flournoy assured. “In the meantime, have you been doing your homework like I asked?”
Nadine nodded. “Yes. Definitely. I have been journaling. I read the articles.”
“Good. I hope they were helpful.”
“Actually, they were.”
Initially, Nadine was resistant to writing down everything.
But after the incident with Zaire in the pool, she had journaled…
a lot. At first, it was to avoid Zaire. When she wasn’t in her office, she was journaling, anything to avoid speaking to her.
What was initially an avoidance tactic was quickly becoming a cathartic cataloging of her emotions.
Her guilt. Her anguish. Her arousal. Her disgust with herself.
Her anger with her mother. The incident had triggered an avalanche of memories for Nadine, beginning with Allison, her divorce from Drew, her relationship with her mother, church, and her withdrawal from Eddie.
It was starting to make sense why and how she did the things she did.
Nadine was broken, never made whole, and had resorted to being a judgmental hypocrite to fill in the gaps and keep anything she felt buried in a tomb of her own sorrow.
A soft rap at the door broke the silence. Dr. Flournoy went to the door, ushering Eddie inside. He kissed Nadine on the cheek before sitting down.
“I’m sorry I’m late. Practice ran pretty long.”
Nadine nodded. “It’s ok. We still have some time.”
Dr. Flournoy nodded. “We do. And I want to make the most of it.” She turned to Eddie. “Eddie, do you know why Nadine asked you to come to therapy today?”
Eddie smoothed his hands down his slacks. “I guess it’s about whatever is bothering Deanie, and how I can help. She hasn’t really said much.”
Dr. Flournoy turned her attention to Nadine. “Nadine, before we begin, are you alright? I want to allow you to set the pace right now.”
Nadine let out a ragged breath. “I am ok. I am.”
“Ok,” Dr. Flournoy began, folding her hand across her lap. “I’ve been working with Nadine almost four years now. Initially, it was about her stress with her job, balancing things, figuring out the postpartum depression. She said that she’s told you this.”
Eddie nodded. “Yes. She has.”
“Good. As you know, therapy sometimes gets into the weeds of why things are the way they are. Sometimes what seems surface level has deeper, more tangled roots.”
Eddie reached out for Nadine’s hand. “Yes, I understand.”
“Good. Nadine, are you ready to speak to Eddie? This is a safe space, and I am here to support you. So, whenever you’re ready.”
Nadine swallowed, her throat feeling like sandpaper. “I love you Eddie. I love you with all that I have. I need you to know that.”
Eddie moved closer to her, his long legs brushing her knee. “I know, baby.”
Nadine’s eyes darted to Dr. Flournoy, who gave her a soft smile of reassurance.
She let out a deep breath and continued.
“All my life, I’ve been feeling like I was damaged.
Or that there was a missing piece of me.
My parents, especially my mother, made me feel like I was going to hell for feeling the way I felt. ”
Eddie’s brows knit. “Felt how?”
Nadine looked down at her fingers twirling her massive ring. Fuck. Might as well rip the Band-Aid off. “Felt like it was wrong to like women.”
Eddie let out a rough scoff. “Wait…what do you mean, like? As in?”
“As in sexually,” Nadine continued. “I’m attracted to women.”
“Hold up?! For how long?” he asked, completely flabbergasted.
“I guess forever. When I was younger, I fell in love with a girl. I was almost ten, definitely tween. My mom found out, caught us making out, and told me I was going to hell. She made me feel so ashamed. My dad said I’d grow out of it.
But…I didn’t. I messed around with girls in high school and in college…
thinking it was a phase. Then I married Drew, hoping I could put it behind me. It just made shit worse.”
“So why the hell did you marry me?”
Eddie’s tone was sharp. Nadine felt his body stiffen next to her. His eyes searched hers for some sort of understanding. “I love you, Eddie. That’s why I married you.”
“Deanie, I feel like these past fifteen years have been a lie! Where’s the fucking trust!”
Nadine’s eyes filled with tears. “It hasn’t been a lie. I love you, Eddie.”
“Bullshit!” Eddie countered, shaking his head. “Love isn’t hiding something like this from me!”
“Okay, you two. Let’s take a breather for a second,” suggested Dr. Flournoy.
Nadine watched as Eddie leaned back against the sofa.
She could tell that his brain was going a mile a minute, cataloging the last sixteen years of their life together.
Their life…their love…it wasn’t a lie to her.
Yet, something was gnawing at her to where she couldn’t be her whole self.
And now she realized what it was. He had to feel that, sense that. Maybe he didn’t.
“I don’t want you to be upset with me, Eddie,” Nadine’s voice cracked on every syllable.
Eddie rubbed his hand down his waves and let out a breath.
“Nadine, I am not upset that you’re bisexual.
I am upset you hid this from me. To be honest, I am kind of relieved.
I knew there was something off. Now I know I wasn’t crazy or making up something in my head.
Shit, I thought there was another man. But women?
You’ve held this inside for years? And you judged my fantasies?
Your friends’ relationships? It all just seems… ”
“Hypocritical,” Nadine finished. “I know that. Dr. Flournoy helped me to realize that.”
“I cautioned Nadine to not judge you for your sexual fantasies,” Dr. Flournoy explained. “We’re working on her having healthier responses.”
Eddie’s eyes widened. “You talked to your therapist about my fantasies? But you couldn’t talk to me?” He balled his fist up, pounding his knuckles on his thigh. “I swear, unless it’s a complaint or something, you won’t open up to me about shit!”
Eddie’s voice sounded as if it was breaking into millions of pieces. It wasn’t anger. It was betrayal. Deep, gut-punching betrayal.
His leg bounced, a clear indication that he was upset. “God, shit is starting to make sense. After the stripper kissed you at Secrets, you flipped out.”
Nadine shook her head. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just…”
“No, Nadine. Don’t be sorry! Be better!” yelled Eddie.
“All I asked is that you talk to me. Share with me. You been keeping shit from me for our whole relationship. It’s like I finally have the final piece of the puzzle.
It’s why you won’t fuck me worth a damn.
Or want to try new shit in the bedroom. Fuck!
” Eddie stopped, staring at Dr Flournoy. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
“It’s alright Eddie,” Dr. Flournoy assured. “It’s understandable that you’re hurt. You can express yourself freely here.”
Eddie closed his eyes and inhaled. “Still, I shouldn’t blow up like that. This isn’t Nadine’s fault. Deep down, I know it. But…the fucking self-righteous judgement has been suffocating! Yet this whole time you’ve been bisexual? I…I feel like I don’t know you anymore.”
Nadine threaded her fingers with Eddie’s. “Please know that me judging you…or Alisa and Tate…was all because I was hiding. I was too afraid to open up fully, body and soul.”
Eddie pressed her hands against his beating heart. “But I should be the one person you can do that with. Always, Deanie. Forever and Always.”
There was several minutes of silence, nothing but the sounds of the ticking clock on the wall and the soft waterfall sculpture filled the air.
“Is there someone else?” Eddie finally asked, his voice much softer. “Do you want a divorce?”
Nadine’s eyes widened. “No, I don’t want a divorce!”
“But you didn’t answer my question. Is there someone else? Another woman?”
Nadine blew out a breath, her chest feeling as if bricks were on top of it. She looked cautiously at Dr. Flournoy, who also seemed to want to know the answer.
“Yes. I am attracted to someone. But, I love you Eddie. This changes nothing.”
“Deanie, this changes a lot…like…so much. This is about who you are. What you like. Right now, it isn’t me and I can’t give you that missing piece that you want.”
“Eddie,” Dr. Flournoy began. “Nadine’s sexuality isn’t the totality of who she is. Her sexuality is a drop in the bucket. I want to caution against reducing Nadine to just that.”
Eddie nodded. “I get that. I’m sorry. But right now, that’s what we’re talking about.”
“I know,” Dr. Flournoy turned her attention to Nadine. “But I want to circle back to something you mentioned. You all visited Secrets, the private adult club. For what reason?”
Eddie sighed. “I thought we could just spice things up.”
“Did it?” asked Dr. Flournoy.
Eddie looked at Nadine. “I supposed it did. You fucked my brains out…better than you ever have. It was because you were thinking about her, weren’t you? It ain’t have shit to do with me.”
When Eddie brought up Zaire and that night at Secrets, Nadine flinched.
“Was the kiss triggering for you? He says you ran out,” asked Dr. Flournoy.
Nadine nodded. “Yes. It was.”
“Why didn’t you tell Eddie the truth then?”
Nadine sighed. “I was ashamed. Especially since, like he said, we’d had some amazing sex afterwards.”
“And fantasies are normal, even during sex”, reminded Dr. Flournoy. “How are you navigating this attraction to this woman you mentioned?”
“I mean, I’m not. And given the circumstances, I shouldn’t be.”
“What are the circumstances?”