12. Hall Pass #2
Nadine knew she should tell the truth, but there was absolutely no way she could tell Eddie that the nanny who was also the stripper from Secrets finger-banged her in the pool. Or that she’d been secretly lusting yet simultaneously avoiding her for fear she’d give in to her every desire.
“We work together,” she said, giving a half-truth. “And she's a bit younger than me. It’s foolish, really. Maybe it’s just a crush.”
“I see.” Dr. Flournoy took some notes. “This is the first time you’ve expressed a recent attraction to a woman. How do you feel when you’re around this woman?”
“Like, intrigued. Curious.”
Dr. Flournoy crossed her legs. “Are you aroused by this woman?”
Nadine bit the inside of her jaw. Saying this in front of Eddie made her uncomfortable. “Yes. I was…I am.”
“Eddie, how do you feel hearing this?”
Eddie’s shoulders slumped as he leaned back against the couch. “Shocked. She’s feeling things for this woman she hasn’t felt for me in ages. What am I supposed to do with that? It fucking hurts.”
Nadine closed her eyes, tears rolling down her face. This is what she feared would happen. Eddie felt rejected. It pained her to think she was the reason.
He turned to Nadine. “I have to ask. Did Drew know you were…?”
Nadine shook her head. “No. Besides, I was too caught up in trying to save that train wreck, thinking I’d cured myself. He would have probably twisted it into some sick fantasy for him. Or tried to beat it out of me.”
Eddie nodded. “Yeah. I can see that. He was a punk ass bitch. Sorry, Doc.”
Dr. Flournoy waved her hand. “It’s fine. I’ve heard all about Drew. He deserves it.” She looked at the time on her watch. “Do you all need a break before I continue? We can extend the session a few extra minutes if you need to?”
Eddie and Nadine looked at each other, then shook their heads.
“Alright. But if at any time you want to stop, we can.” The doctor pulled out her stylus and tapped on her iPad. “Have you all heard of the term consensual non-monogamy?”
Nadine and Eddie shook their heads in the negative.
“Well, couples who are consensually non-monogamous have relationships with other people outside of their marriage, with the consent of their partners, of course.”
“So, polyamorous?” asked Nadine.
Dr. Flournoy nodded. “That is a term that would fall under that category, yes.”
Eddie frowned. “Honestly, I’m not interested in dating anyone else.”
“Then, Nadine can be in what’s termed mono/polyamorous dynamic. Meaning, she is the person in the relationship that has polyamorous relationships, not you.”
“Like a lifelong hall pass?” asked Eddie.
“Not quite a hall pass,” Dr. Flournoy chuckled, adjusting her glasses.
“But,” Nadine blinked. “How is that fair to Eddie?”
“If Eddie is consenting to this, it is totally fair to him. He knows you are bisexual. He knows you really haven’t had a chance to explore that in a healthy, safe way.
It would give you the opportunity to do so, with your partner’s knowledge.
Some couples find this arrangement helpful.
It makes their own bonds stronger. It’s a suggestion, not a commandment, Nadine. ”
Nadine looked at Eddie, who was biting the corners of his lips. “How would we even do this? I mean, we’re married.”
Dr. Flournoy shrugged. “Open lines of communication. Explicit rules. Honestly, it is how you define it. Marriage, contrary to your beliefs, Nadine, is just a contract between two adults. Nothing more. Nothing less. It isn’t and shouldn’t be wrapped up in all that religious dogma that has destroyed you endlessly. ”
Eddie nodded. “Actually, I said something similar. We define what we want. We can be a safe space for each other. I was talking about spicing up the sex…I didn’t think it was this, though.”
Dr. Flournoy smiled. “Nadine, are you receiving what Eddie is saying?”
“I am,” Nadine said, tears spilling from her eyes. “But I also want Eddie to know that I want to be that safe space for each other. Whatever that means. But exploring this…finally being who I’ve always been…I’d like to try and do that without hiding it anymore.”
“And I get that,” Eddie said, squeezing Nadine’s hand.
“I do. I’ll do whatever to make you happy.
Even if it means letting you explore this.
But I can’t be in the dark about things moving forward.
I just don’t want you to ever keep something as major as this from me again.
I love you. I don’t want to lose you, Deanie. ”
“I promise I won’t,” Nadine said. “And I don’t want to lose you, Eddie.” She meant that. Every word of it. She practically melted as Eddie kissed her forehead.
“I love you Deanie. I just need a minute to wrap my head around this. You understand, right?”
Nadine nodded, the tears streaming down her face like Flournoy’s waterfall sculpture.
Dr. Flournoy handed Nadine a tissue. “Nadine, I am proud of you for being honest and opening up with Eddie. That was really brave.”
Nadine smiled, dabbing her tear-streaked cheeks. It did feel good to tell Eddie the truth, even if it was just part of the truth.
“In the meantime, I’ll email some literature about mono/polyamory and straight-presenting relationships. Let you all read about it. Come up with questions for our next session. You all need support during this time.”
“Wait,” Nadine asked. “What do you mean by ‘straight presenting’?”
“Ah, yeah.” Dr. Flournoy scratched her head, looking up from her tablet. “Let me explain that. Because you’re bisexual and Eddie is straight, folks will assume on the surface that the two of you are just heterosexuals. But, you’re not.”
“So we fake straights?” Eddie chuckled. Nadine cut a side-eye at him. That was funny though.
“No,” Dr. Flournoy laughed. “But realize that if you choose to be open about your relationship, many folks won’t understand, given that you’re married.
They’ll ask invasive questions because folks seem to only care about genitals and not feelings.
People can’t wrap their brains around something other than the hetero dichotomy. ”
Nadine nodded with understanding. She had judged Tatum and Alisa harshly for seeking relationships outside the norm.
Now, she’d be in a position of being judged too.
At worse, misunderstood and ostracized. At work?
In her mom groups? Hell, what if Alisa and Tatum stopped being her friend, too?
Shit, what if Eddie’s colleagues found out?
Would this jeopardize his career, too? It didn’t feel that great to have the shoe on the other foot, but it was necessary.
Dr. Flournoy reached for both Eddie and Nadine’s hands.
She squeezed them softly. “It’s not about coming out, Nadine.
It’s about letting folks in. And the most important person you did that with is here today.
Supporting you. Loving you. Pledging to be there for you.
Eddie has said that he will be supportive but definitely needs better understanding of this changing dynamic.
Be patient with him. He’ll be patient with you.
This is the first step to redefining what happiness is for you both. I hope you realize that.”
Nadine looked at Dr. Flournoy, then at Eddie. The corners of his full lips returned a soft smile. She did the same.
“I do.”
The clack of Nadine’s heels as they walked toward the elevators was deafening. Eddie hadn’t said a word since the end of the session. Now Nadine was internally freaking out.
Nadine pressed the button for the elevator, and they walked on. Nadine looked up at the numbers as they decreased.
“That was…lot.” Eddie blew out a breath.
“I know. And I am sorry.”
“Stop apologizing. But damn...almost sixteen years, Deanie. I just…” Eddie shook his head. “Even though I’m your husband, I’m also your best friend. I wouldn’t have judged you.”
“I know. I guess I was afraid what would happen if I gave you this information. Would you hate me? Would you leave me? I wasn’t sure.” Nadine reached out for Eddie’s hand. “Ed…we don’t have to do this. It’s a suggestion, that’s all.”
“Deanie,” Eddie sighed. “I’d be a terrible partner if I said you can’t explore this. Continuing to deny and hide who you are? Do you think that’s healthy?”
Nadine sniffed, staring up at the elevator’s ceiling. “No. But this feels so wrong. A marriage is…”
Eddie interrupted her thought, tipping her chin upward toward his face. “Dr. Flournoy said a marriage is what we define it to be. I’m unhappy, partially because I know you’re unhappy. Shit, I’m starting to think we never were happy.”
“Eddie, that’s not true.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But I’m willing to focus on the now. And baby, like I said, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to be happy.”
“But this?” Nadine blinked back tears.
Eddie rubbed Nadine’s chin gently with the pad of his thumb. “Whatever it takes, Deanie.” He kissed the top of her nose, then pressed his forehead to hers. Nadine inhaled him, thankful to God that she had this beautiful, gentle giant of a man in her life.
The ding of the elevator doors opened, pulling them out of their embrace.
“See you at home, Deanie.”
“Ok.”
Nadine pressed her back against the cold elevator glass as she watched the doors close slowly.