16. Far From Ideal
Far From Ideal
Dr. Flournoy stared at Nadine, barely able to mask the disappointment in her eyes. “The nanny, Nadine?”
“Yes.”
“The nanny who also happens to be the stripper at the club?” recalled Dr. Flournoy.
Nadine closed her eyes. “I know. It’s not ideal.
” She wasn’t sure what she expected Dr. Flournoy’s reaction to be when she told her she had been intimate with Zaire.
It wasn’t this. It felt uncharacteristically judgmental.
And as someone who was always judgmental, it didn't feel good to be on the receiving end.
“Far from ideal!”
Nadine frowned. “But you said you wanted me to explore this.”
“I did.” Dr. Flournoy ran a hand through her locs. “But this woman is your employee, caring for your son. There is a power dynamic here that could lead to disaster.”
“It’s not like that…”
“So let’s talk about what it’s like, Nadine,” challenged Dr. Flournoy.
Nadine didn’t know for sure. But in her heart, she felt like Zaire wouldn’t take advantage of their relationship. And neither would she. She liked her. Cared for her. She wanted this.
“I just feel I can trust her...”
“But can you trust yourself?” Dr. Flournoy sighed. “Nadine, when I suggested you explore this, I didn't think it would be so close to home. You weren’t truthful in our session with Eddie. You told us the young woman you were attracted to worked with you. Not that she worked for you.”
“I know.” Nadine felt heat crawl up her neck to her scalp. She wasn’t prone to lying like this, not to Dr. Flournoy, of all people. “But telling Eddie the truth was too hard then. It felt easier to just say that.”
“Does Eddie know that the woman in question is the nanny?”
Nadine shook her head. “No. I don’t know how he’d take this. Especially since it violates the rules we established.” It wasn't simply a violation, it was a betrayal.
Dr. Flournoy’s perfectly arched brows lifted. “So you all have already talked about the rules of your sexual exploration?”
As Nadine slowly explained to Dr. Flournoy the rules they had discussed, her eyes followed the movement of the doctor’s pen against her tablet, her brows furrowed the entire time. That wasn’t a good sign.
Once she was done, Dr. Flournoy pinched the bridge of her nose.
“Can’t tell you what to do, but I am going to warn you.
You violated part of the agreement you’ve established with Eddie with regards to your mono/poly exploration.
Not telling him may only deepen the chasm between the two of you. Is this young woman worth that to you?”
Nadine stared down at her wedding ring, twisting it around and around. “I don’t know. Fuck, that shouldn’t be my first answer.”
Dr. Flournoy smiled softly. “It was an honest answer.”
“I don’t want to hurt Eddie. But I also don’t want to stop being with Z. I want them…both.”
“Now that’s a change of heart.” Dr. Flournoy nodded encouragingly. “Go on.”
Nadine knew that she probably sounded like a big ass hypocrite. Especially given that she had everything to say about her friends’ poly relationships. She held up her hands with a chuckle. “I mean, I’m not saying that’s what I want…”
“What do you want then, Nadine? Because what you’re describing sounds like a polyamorous relationship.”
“I don’t know.” Nadine was becoming frustrated with this line of questioning. “Why do I have to call it anything? Like, why do I have to call myself anything?”
“Nadine,” Dr. Flournoy softened her tone. “Terms like bisexual or polyamory aren’t here to hurt you, but it seems that you’re feeling uncomfortable accepting that you might be-- ”
“But you want me to be defined by them!” Nadine interrupted with a yell. “Why can’t I just be me? Why can’t I have what I have? Love who I love?”
“You can, my dear. You can. I’m only concerned that your choice to not “put a label on it,” as you say, might keep you from fully embracing who you are and what you want, which strips you of your agency and diminishes your power.
It’s like crawling back into a hole. That same hole your parents tried to put you in when you first expressed desire for a girl.
That same hole that made you judge your friends and their relationships. Why go backwards?”
“Because,” Nadine started and stopped her sentence several times, trying to stop the cry that was bubbling up, but it was no use. She hiccupped and tears streamed down her face. Through a blur of tears, she watched Dr. Flournoy press a tissue into her hand and squeeze.
“Nadine, I see you’re really having a strong reaction to what I’m saying. Can you share what’s coming up for you right now?”
Nadine wiped her tears, upset that her makeup was streaked. “I don’t know. I just thought…I thought I was there. I thought I was free from all that.”
“You’re getting there,” Dr. Flournoy patted her hands. “But true freedom is being honest about your desires and not keeping folks in the dark. Including Eddie.”
“I just am scared he’s going to react like… “
“Like Andrew?” Dr. Flournoy finished Nadine’s thought.
Nadine nodded. “Yeah.”
“Has Eddie, in fifteen or so years, ever given you any indication that he’d react violently towards you?”
“No.”
“Has he reacted negatively since telling him that you’re bisexual?”
Nadine shook her head. “No.” She hadn’t felt as safe in her life as she did with Eddie. He cared deeply for her, even when he was frustrated or didn’t understand her. He was the most patient man there was.
“I do not think he’s going to hurt you, Nadine. Actually, you have the power to hurt him. Emotionally. So please, talk to him.”
Nadine nodded. “I will.”
Dr. Flournoy leaned back. “Good. I hope you do this before our next session and before you decide to pursue anything with Zaire. I mean it, Nadine. You can’t keep hiding. Not like this.”
Nadine shook her head. She’d never heard Dr. Flournoy speak so forcefully about her issues. She knew she was serious. “Okay.”
Dr. Flournoy waited a few beats before she asked, “Now Nadine - let’s talk about your attraction to Zaire. Tell me about that.”
Nadine smiled softly. “She’s sweet. Incredibly beautiful. A little aggressive, which I like, I suppose. Very sexy.”
Dr. Flournoy nodded. “Anything else?”
Nadine chewed her bottom lip. “Part of me just wants to care for her.”
“Care for her?”
Nadine shrugged. “Yeah, because she seems a little wounded. Her job is literally to care for other folks’ kids, but who is caring for her? So all I want to do is care for her.”
“I see.” Dr. Flournoy wrote something down in her iPad. “Is it because you see yourself in Zaire?”
“Uhm, Zaire is nothing like me. I don’t understand.”
“She’s a young, queer Black woman. Estranged from her family, right?”
Nadine nodded. “Yes, but…”
“So, in some ways you’re trying to heal both of your wounds by being together. Is it possible you’re unconsciously drawn to one another as a way of healing the unresolved wounds from your relationships with your mothers?”
Nadine's eyes widened. “What does my mother have to do with anything? Are you trying to say I want to fuck my mother?”
Dr. Flournoy tented her hands under her chin. “Well, according to Freud…”
“Stop right there,” Nadine said, holding up her hand.
“It’s not meant to be literal, Nadine,” chuckled Dr. Flournoy.
“It just means we look for partners to heal and affirm the parts of us that our parents wounded. In your case, it was your mother. She lacked empathy and warmth. She was cruel to you. She used religion to justify her treatment of you. Therefore, in this relationship, you want to give Zaire all the things neither one of you had. It makes sense.”
“So what about Eddie?” countered Nadine. “Am I with him because I have father wounds or whatever?”
“Well, your father certainly was kinder and more empathetic. It’s very possible that you were drawn to Eddie because he encompasses your father’s positive characteristics…that is, without the religious dogma that informed his life.”
“I see.” Nadine pondered the doctor’s words. “That makes sense.”
Dr. Flournoy leaned forward. Her brows creased with concern. “Nadine, we’ve been working so hard to break you out of your old habits. If you hide this relationship from Eddie, you’ll be taking steps backward. And I just don’t want all your hard work to be in vain.”
“I understand.” Nadine’s voice broke into tiny pieces. “I do.”
“Intimacy isn’t just about sex, Nadine. It’s about letting people in. Letting people know the real you. You told me you tell Tatum and Alisa almost everything. But not your husband? Of all the people that should know the real you, shouldn’t it be Eddie?”
Nadine shook her head. “You’re right.”
Dr. Flournoy looked at the clock on the wall. “Our time is up. But before our next session, and certainly before you’re intimate again with Zaire, I urge you to tell Eddie the truth.”