17. Shameless
Shameless
After therapy, Nadine decided to make a detour.
She couldn’t go home. She didn’t want to face her job, the meetings, and the bullshit that was Mitchell’s alleged sabotage.
She didn’t want to be tempted to fuck Zaire until she could think of nothing else.
Instead, she stopped by Alon’s Market and had them pack a gourmet lunch basket for herself and her Tatum, and had one delivered to Alisa while she was on bedrest. Surprising her girls was a surefire way to cheer her up and get her mind off her life.
She made her way down to Decatur Tech to surprise Tatum so they could catch up and would FaceTime Alisa during lunch so she could feel included.
Nadine parked and made her way to campus. She had to ask a student which building was the English department because she’d only been on campus twice and always got turned around. When she finally made it to Grover Hall, Nadine was slightly out of breath from hauling her bag and the food.
“Hello there,” greeted the English department’s receptionist. “How can I help you?”
Nadine caught her breath, balancing the lunch. “Hi! I’m looking for Dr. Simmons’ office.”
The receptionist frowned as she looked at the computer. “Is Dr. Simmons expecting you?”
“Oh, no! I’m her best friend, Nadine. I was in the area and decided to surprise her with lunch.”
“That’s so sweet! Doc sure could use it. She’s been so stressed!” The receptionist said with a smile. She looked back at her computer. “Well, it looks like she’s finishing up a standing meeting. She should be done now. Her office is number 216- A. Down the hall, to the right.”
Nadine navigated the long corridor to Tatum’s office. She balanced the bag and drinks in one hand as she knocked.
“Tate. It’s Deanie!” she announced. “Thought I’d surprise you with lunch.”
Nadine wasn’t sure, but she swore she heard a low moan, followed by a chair or something scraping the floor. Nadine was about to knock again when the door flew open. Standing before her was a super fine, slightly sweaty astrophysicist.
Nadine smirked. “Well, hello Dr. Valentine.”
Cassidy cleared his throat, adjusting his crooked glasses and tie. Sweat dotted his forehead. “Hey Nadine. Uhm, Tate and I were just…talking.”
“Uh huh, I bet.” Nadine peered around Cassidy’s broad shoulders to see Tatum adjusting the hem of her skirt. She shook her head. Cassidy gave Nadine a sheepish smile and hug, taking the bag from her hands and placing it on a table.
Tatum cleared her throat as she tried to maintain her` professionalism. “Dr. Valentine and I were just finishing our meeting.”
Nadine raised a brow, then leaned in to whisper. “Oh, is that what we call fucking in the middle of the day, Professor?”
“Really, Deanie.” Tatum's dark skin flushed as she shook her head.
“Man, your girl knows what’s up.” Cassidy turned to Tatum and smacked her on the ass, then kissed her lips. “See you later, mama. Later, Nadine.”
“Later Cass,” Nadine said as she watched him walk out the door, closing it behind him. Nadine turned to her very embarrassed friend. “Well, so much for not getting caught with your skirt around your ankles.”
“First of all, you showed up without calling,” chided Tatum.
“Secondly, can you blame me? That man is fine as hell. He can get it anytime he wants.” She kissed Nadine on the forehead before sitting at the table.
“Thank you for lunch, Deanie. This is a pleasant surprise! You must have known I’d work up an appetite. ”
“Ugh, gross.” Nadine chuckled, moving to the table to take out their lunch. “I take it that you’ve given him an answer. Oh, before we get into that,” Nadine pulled out her tablet to FaceTime Alisa. She answered on the first ring, teary eyed. It was clear she’d been ugly crying.
“Why are you crying?” asked Nadine. “Oh god, is it the babies? They alright?”
“The babies are fine,” sniffed Alisa. “It was just so sweet that you had our monthly lunch delivered to me, so I wouldn’t feel alone. I’ve been crying ever since. Fucking hormones.”
Tatum and Nadine laughed. Babies had turned Alisa into a total softie. It was too cute.
Alisa wiped her eyes, adjusting her phone on the table. Her belly took up most of the screen. “Ok. I got my lunch set up. What’s tea? And why does Tate look all sweaty?”
Tatum’s hands flew to her face. Before she could answer, Nadine replied. “Because she was in here rearranging the furniture with a certain astrophysicist. Do you know they have a standing meeting to bone?”
Alisa laughed, a mouth full of food. “Damn! Do you all give it a rest?”
“I know you aren’t talking,” Tatum rolled her eyes. “Didn’t you, Kadeem and Christophe christen your new salons before they opened?”
“Yeah, but they are my salons, and it was empty!” Alisa said, pointing a fork at the camera. “But we ain’t talking about that. If you boning, that must mean you gave the man an answer.”
“Nope,” Tatum sighed. “No answer just yet. Trust me, the man is trying to get an answer from me any way possible. So is Miles.”
“Is Miles rearranging furniture to convince you, too?” asked Nadine with a chuckle.
Tatum laughed. “No. His approach is to shower me with gifts until I say yes.” She lifted her arm, showing off a gleaming tennis bracelet. “See?”
Alisa moved closer to the screen. “He has very good taste. I mean, Kadeem woulda picked bigger diamonds, though.”
“Really, Alisa?” Tatum shook her head, admonishing her cousin. “Anyway, I’m just afraid.”
“Why are you afraid? Do you think things will change for the worse?” asked Nadine.
“I’m afraid because I’ve been married once before and…” Tatum’s voice cracked a bit, but she pressed on. “I don’t know if I can handle it.”
“What does that mean? Is Cass or Miles tripping?” asked Alisa.
Tatum shook her head. “No. They’re fine. Perfect as ever.”
“So why think the worst?” asked Nadine. “You can’t go into any relationship thinking that.”
“That’s true,” Tatum sighed. “I guess part of me also doesn’t want things to change. What if marriage makes things weird?”
Nadine chewed slowly. “How so?”
Tatum shrugged. “I dunno. People change when you get married. I mean, all change isn’t bad, but…change still happens.”
Nadine swallowed, feeling a lump in her throat. People change. I’ve changed. She looked up to see Tatum squinting at her. “I’ve changed,” Nadine confessed. “I’m sure Eddie doesn’t know who he married anymore.”
“Why do you say that?” asked Tatum.
“I slept with Zaire,” Nadine blurted out. She dropped her head in her hands. “Shit, a few times.”
Tatum whistled. “Well, damn.”
Alisa gasped. “And how was it?”
“Hot, sexy…fucking amazing,” Nadine sighed. “But now, I’m having second thoughts. I told my therapist, and she nearly lost it.”
“Why? I thought she wanted you to explore this?” asked Alisa, who had moved on to the brownie.
Nadine scratched her scalp. “The thing is, I didn’t tell her the woman I was attracted to was the nanny. So she’s bringing up this thing about power dynamics and stuff. And how I didn’t tell Eddie the truth. I feel like I’ve fucked up.”
Tatum winced. “I mean, I did say that. She has a point, Deanie. What if this goes south? Then what?”
“I feel confident that Zaire wouldn’t be malicious. She wouldn’t hurt me.”
After her therapy session, Nadine was, in fact, not so confident about that anymore. But she wanted to believe it.
“That’s nice and all, but respectfully,” Alisa chimed in. “We are talking about you. I know how you are, Nadine. Are you willing to take that chance on someone you haven’t known long? If some shit goes wrong, you’ll scorch the earth. ”
Nadine frowned. She couldn’t even contradict what Alisa said.
She was right. Nadine could be not only judgmental but vindictive at times.
It was part of the reason why she went no contact with her mother towards the end.
And when her father called to say that her mother died, she felt only a little pain.
She could hold a grudge like no other. She couldn’t see herself doing that with Zaire. She wanted her around forever.
Maybe Dr. Flournoy was right. This situation with Zaire was about something deeper.
Nadine took a long sip of her drink before responding. “I know, but I don’t see myself doing that. Not with Zaire.”
“Damn, the pussy musta been good.” chuckled Alisa, to which Tatum gave her a scolding look. She waved her off to address Nadine. “So what really has you worried?”
“What worries me is everything with Eddie. He’s just wrapping his brain around me being attracted to women and exploring this attraction. We talked about it, established some rules and being with Zaire clearly violates a few…shit…maybe more than a few rules.”
“What are the rules?” asked Alisa.
Tatum and Alisa went quiet as Nadine went on to explain the rules that she and Eddie outlined for her mono/poly exploration. Nadine tried her best not to freak out, thinking about how Eddie would react to this.
“Well,” Tatum pushed back her nearly empty container. “Speaking from experience, anytime you open your relationship up, there needs to be communication and boundaries. And Eddie was very clear with you about both.”
Nadine bit the corners of her lip. “I know.”
“And you need to be clear with Zaire too.”
Nadine frowned. “What do you mean?”
“You’re willing to risk a lot for Zaire,” Tatum sighed. “Is this just about sex? Or something more? I haven’t heard you say a thing beyond…”
“Beyond bumping beans.” interrupted Alisa. “Is there anything else to this relationship?”
Nadine rolled her eyes. “Of course it is, Alisa. I like her. She’s funny. Considerate. Sexy. I want to get to know her. I mean, I asked her out on a date.”
“A date?” Tatum and Alisa said in unison.
“Uhm yeah, a date. To get to know her. Maybe do something nice for her. I want to spoil her. You know? She hasn’t said yes, though.” She stared back at her friends, who were a little taken aback. “Why is that so strange?”
“It’s not,” Tatum shrugged. “Just never took you for the spoiling kind.”
“Yeah boo,” Alisa chimed in. “You’re the one usually being spoiled.”
“Well,” Nadine smirked. “Maybe I want to do the spoiling for a change.”
“Well, before you start trickin’, you need to tell Eddie about Zaire,” warned Alisa.
“Yes, please stop keeping this man in the dark,” Tatum added. “A half-truth is still a lie.”
Nadine nodded. She’d been operating so much of her life in half-truths. About her feelings. Her sexuality. Everything. She wasn’t sure who she was protecting or why she was doing this. Actually, she knew why.
She let out a deep sigh. “Sometimes I still feel like that ten-year-old girl. Trying to protect myself…my parents. Always trying to save face to not bring disappointment or shame upon my family.”
Tatum grabbed Nadine’s hand. “Deanie, the only thing you need to protect is your heart in all of this. Whatever that looks like for you.”
“Baby, we don’t do shame over here. Not anymore,” declared Alisa. She raised her glass of water, motioning for them to do the same. “I wanna make a toast.”
“To what?” asked Nadine, amused.
“To not giving a fuck anymore. If we wanna marry two men. Have three boyfriends. Have a boyfriend and a husband. Shit, a husband and a girlfriend. We can do whatever we want because we are happy, free Black women.”
Tatum nudged Nadine, and they both raised their plastic cups, angling them toward the iPad.
“To not giving a fuck.”