23. Letting Them In
Letting Them In
Dr. Flournoy gave Nadine a smile. “Wow, Nadine. It’s like a brand-new woman stepped foot in my office.
Nadine moved her freshly silk-pressed hair from her shoulders. “I feel great.”
“Would any of this have to do with the nanny? I’m sorry, what was her name again?” Dr. Flournoy looked through her notes on her tablet. “I know it’s a country in Africa. Zimbabwe? ”
“Zaire,” chuckled Nadine. “Yes, part of its Zaire. But the other part has been Eddie. It’s been great.
” Nadine was glad she had requested an emergency telephone session with Dr. Flournoy last week and filled her in on everything.
She didn’t want the revelation of what had occurred between the three of them to come as a shock to Dr. Flournoy during this in-person session.
“Oh yeah, what has Eddie done?”
“Well, he’s been really…” Nadine hesitated to go into depth but felt like she owed it to Dr. Flournoy. “He’s been very open. This is also helping him to explore his own fantasies as well.”
Dr. Flournoy looked surprised. “Consensually, I hope.”
Nadine nodded. “Of course. We talked about it, created new boundaries, and modified our rules. He mostly watches us if we allow him to. He participates with only me, if I want that. Otherwise, my interactions with Zaire are on my own terms and with her consent.”
“And he hasn’t abused the access he has?”
Nadine furrowed her brows. “What do you mean?”
Dr. Flournoy leaned forward, worry clearly on her face. “Meaning, he isn’t strong-arming you into letting him in your sexual space with Zaire. Or demanding that sex only occur when he’s there. Remember, this is your time to explore things. Not his exclusively.”
“Oh no,” Nadine shook her head. “He doesn’t do that.” It was true. After the first night, Eddie never intruded. Nadine was the captain of the ship. She said when and if he could come into their space, and only if Zaire agreed.
Nadine thought about the day she came home after finding out that her team was trying to sabotage her.
Once EJ was settled and in bed, she and Zaire talked, cuddled, kissed, and finger fucked each other until she came so hard she nearly forgot about her problems. When Eddie came home later that night, he ran her a bath, poured her a glass of wine, and put on some smooth jazz.
He gave her a full body massage with hot oil and ate her pussy until she blacked out.
Eddie and Zaire cared for and respected her. It felt powerful to be the center of that, if she was being honest.
She was in heaven. Now she understood why her friends enjoyed having multiple lovers. They served multiple purposes. They were becoming her safe haven. Their adoration was a reprieve these days because the little power and respect that she did have in her professional life was dwindling.
“Why the frown, Nadine?”
Nadine’s hands flew up to her face. “I was frowning?”
“Yeah,” Dr. Flournoy leaned back. “What else is going on?”
“It’s work.” Nadine sighed. “I got some disturbing news recently.” Nadine told Dr. Flournoy about the internal coup that Clyde was trying to stage and the Discord channel.
“Wow, Nadine, I am so sorry.”
Nadine shrugged. “I don’t know what to do. Do I report this to the EEOC? Do I file a lawsuit? Do I stay and ignore it? I don’t even know why I’m fighting so hard for a company that doesn’t want me or respect my position of authority. Maybe I’m wasting my time. Maybe I should quit.”
“Quitting is certainly one option. Have you put any thought into what you might do if you quit?”
Nadine bit her lip as she thought. “This sounds ridiculous, but I would probably open a bakery.”
“Oh please,” scoffed Dr. Flournoy. “Totally not ridiculous. I remember when you told me all the moms at the PTA were gushing over your cinnamon and pecan tarts and asking you for more when you brought them to the last meeting.”
Nadine laughed, feeling warmth that she remembered. “Yeah, I remember that. I enjoyed making them. Especially because they couldn’t believe that CEO me had made them.”
“I wonder why your first response to the idea was to think it was ridiculous?”
Nadine shrugged. “I don’t know. I graduated summa cum laude. Interned for several Fortune 500 businesses. I clawed my way to the top to get where I am. Seems like it would be a waste of a degree.”
Those weren’t Nadine’s words or how she really felt. She was repeating, verbatim, what her mother had told her when she considered going to culinary school instead of graduate school. Her mother’s words were ringing loudly in her head.
So you gonna just waste that Spelman degree me and your daddy paid for to go bake cakes? You are ungrateful, little girl!
“I see,” Dr. Flournoy nodded. “Well, let me ask you this– how do you feel when you bake?”
Nadine gave a slight smile. “Other than being with my family and friends, baking seems to be the only thing that sparks pure joy.”
Dr. Flournoy nodded. “It’s important to do what truly brings you joy, Nadine.
Whether it’s coming to terms with your sexuality or quitting your seven-figure salary job to bake cakes and pies for a living, this is your life to live, no one else’s.
That’s what I’ve been guiding you toward these past four years. ”
Nadine’s leg began to bounce. “What would people think?”
“Who are people?” challenged Dr. Flournoy.
Nadine thought long and hard about that simple question. Almost instantly, her leg stopped bouncing. “Actually, there isn’t anyone. I am sure Eddie would support me. Zaire too. Tate and Alisa definitely would. The kids would love it. My dad…maybe? But…” she stopped mid-sentence.
“She’s gone, dear.” Dr. Flournoy reminded, recognizing the hesitation in Nadine’s voice. “Your mother can’t judge you for any choice you make anymore. Ridiculous or not. No one has that power over you anymore.”
Nadine nodded. “I know.” It was almost like muscle memory to bring up her mother’s name. She’d been dead at least five years, yet she still was seeking her validation. She was haunting her like a judgmental ghost.
Dr. Flournoy took a sip of her tea then spoke. “Have you given any thought to what I asked about last session?”
Nadine twirled her ring around her finger again. “I…I don’t know about that, Dr. Flournoy.
“Why not?”
“Do they need to know?”
Dr. Flournoy continued. “You don’t think coming out to the other two most important people in your life, your daughter Alex and your father, isn’t necessary?”
Nadine’s hazel eyes widened. “That feels…strange.” Nadine knew what it was. It felt intrusive, honestly.
“It’s about welcoming people in, not you coming out,” Dr Flournoy reminded. “Nadine, given your and Eddie’s high-profile status, they may find out before you have a chance to tell them. You mentioned before that you don’t want a scandal like your friend Alisa had in the media.”
Nadine shuddered, thinking about the madness that surrounded Alisa, Kadeem and Christophe and the senate race.
She thought about Morgan catching Tatum in the act with the fellas.
Every secret was exposed, and it threatened to tear them apart.
For a brief while, it almost did. Luckily for her friends, love was able to prevail and win.
Nadine ran a hand through her hair. “Alex is my child. My entire life, I’ve told her to save herself for marriage and all the same shit my mother told me. And to spring something like this on her? We barely talk as it is. She’s going to hate me.”
“Or she may extend grace and understanding. Give her a little credit. From what you’ve told me, she’s really smart. Like her mom.” Dr. Flournoy countered with a smile.
“She is,” Nadine agreed. “But telling my Dad? I just…” Nadine thought back to that day when she got caught fooling around with Ally. Her dad had been sympathetic yet told her what she was feeling was just a phase.
“The natural order of the world is that a man and a woman be together.”
Nadine attempted to swallow back tears, thinking about her father’s words. With Zaire and Eddie, she’d disrupted the order of her life. Yet, being loved by them had been the most “natural” feeling she could ever imagine. Love like that could never be wrong.
“What’s coming up for you right now, Nadine?” Dr. Flournoy handed Nadine a tissue. She hadn’t realized that tears had been steadily falling. She dabbed her face and tried not to disrupt her makeup.
“I don’t want him not to love me anymore,” Nadine whispered softly.
“Despite someone loving you or not, you need to have enough love for yourself to move forward.” Dr. Flournoy said, taking Nadine’s shaking hand into hers. “Maybe I pushed you too hard. Let’s take a step back. I think we need to try some more exercises before you do that. ”
“What kind of exercises?” Nadine asked.
Dr. Flournoy paused a bit, looking up as she tried to gather her words. “I think it’s time for you to close one chapter and open another.”
Nadine shrugged. “Maybe.”
“I have a suggestion. Write a letter to both your father and Alex, telling them about the new Nadine and how she’s found herself.
Once you read over it a few times and feel ok with it, I want you to try and say those same words to them in person.
Finally, I want you to write a letter to your mother, telling her about everything.
How she made you feel, etc. Go to her grave and leave it there.
Let your words rest with her eternally.“
Nadine nodded. She could do that.
“I see the change in you, Nadine. Let others see it too, ok? But only when you’re ready. I’m here to support you through this.” Dr. Flournoy patted Nadine’s hands before leaning back in her chair. “That’s our time for today. I’ll see you next time.”