Ashes
Drokahr
“Drokahr… Drokahr… Drokahr!”
I snapped back to reality. Across the lit firepit sat a worried-looking Malek and Nara. They stared at me as if expecting something.
“What?” I asked, confused.
Malek sighed. “Drokahr, what happened? You look awful.”
“She’s gone,” was all I could manage. Another wave of shame, guilt, and regret washed over me. The dull pain in my chest once again ignited, spreading through my whole body like fire.
“What happened?” Nara pressed, emphasizing each word.
“They took her away from me.”
They didn’t need to ask who her was. They both knew I was talking about Hannah—who else? A shocked expression crossed both their faces at the same time.
“Why would they do that?” Nara asked, voice raised in concern.
I inhaled and started to recount everything that had happened: how Hannah and I got closer and closer, to the point that it was hard to keep it from the other clan members; my open display of affection at the Founding Tale; how I found myself gravitating toward her,
seeking her company whenever I could; Solkar’s threat toward her; how I tried to keep her safe only to fail miserably when I lost my temper, beating Kelek bloody and having them take her from me; what I confessed in front of my clan.
“I thought that by not having her around, Solkar would relent. See that I wasn’t distracted, that we weren’t as close as it had seemed. I pushed her away, hurt her, and now I’ve lost her,” I concluded.
I couldn’t look them in the eyes; I was too ashamed of myself. I stared into the firepit, waiting for their judgment.
“I told you to be careful, brother,” Malek sighed.
“I ran back to our tent, hoping I wasn’t too late, but she was already gone. I looked everywhere: the landing station, the forest. I thought perhaps she was able to run away, that she would hide somewhere until I could get her to safety.”
“Oh, Drokahr,” Nara said with a somber expression. Malek looked grim, arms crossed.
“I searched for days. When I couldn’t find her, I went back. I begged Solkar to tell me where she was, to punish me for my misbehavior and not her. It wasn’t her fault. It was mine. He wouldn’t hear any of it. Then I declared myself no longer a warrior of the Khelaan clan.”
At that, they both shot up.
“What have you?” Malek cried out in shock.
“How can I call myself a warrior if I can’t protect what is most important to me?”
“You know that you can’t go back?” Malek pressed.
“I know.”
After I left the warrior camp, I wasn’t sure where to go.
I had lost my status, my tent, my mate. I made my way toward Malek.
I needed someone to confide in. Solen wouldn’t look at me; I didn’t expect him to after my betrayal.
I had never felt this lost and out of control.
I didn’t know where she was, how she was, or how I could reach her.
“Stay here for the night,” Nara said, her voice gentle.
“I can’t rest. Not until I know she is well.”
“You left her all alone, Drokahr. How do you know she even wants to see you again?”
Malek’s question shot through me like hundreds of arrows, piercing my heart and soul.
“I have to find her, brother. Even if she sends me away. I need to find her. Make sure she is well and safe. It is all that matters to me. I hurt her terribly. I owe her this much.”
Because it was true. I didn’t care what happened to me. There was only one thing on my mind.
Find her.
Whatever it took. However long it would take.
Malek sighed. “Do you have any leads?”
I shook my head. “I am no longer allowed in the warrior camp. To the others, I am a traitor. They will not answer me.”
Malek hummed grimly. “It is late. Stay here for tonight. Rest. You look dreadful. In the morning, we will think about what to do.”
“Thank you,” I said, my voice small, ashamed to take so much.
“Don’t thank me yet. I am furious with you. Why haven’t you said anything? Why haven’t you sent Hannah to us? She could have stayed here,” Malek’s voice rose in anger.
“I… thought this was something only I could do.” Guilt in every word. How na?ve I was.
“And look how that played out for you. For her. Stubborn bastard!” Malek shouted.
His booming voice woke the twins. Nara rushed over to soothe the startled babies.
Malek sighed for the hundredth time. “Go to bed, Drokahr. In the morning we will think about what to do.”
The candles were blown out. Silence fell over the tent. I lay next to the firepit, watching the remaining embers burn out and crumble to ash. My mind wouldn’t come to rest that easily. It always drifted back to Hannah.
I will find you. I promise. Wait for me.
I closed my eyes, the image of her beautiful face in my mind as I fell asleep.
----
Over the next few days, Malek, Nara, and I stewed over where to start. We had no leads. Studying old maps of the surrounding lands, towns, and cities, we tried to figure out where Hannah could be. Yet without concrete clues, every search ultimately led nowhere.
“We need help,” Malek said, exasperated.
I hated to admit it, but he was right.
“But who? I am no longer allowed in camp and Solkar wouldn’t say where she is.”
He hummed thoughtfully before answering, “Give me some time. I need to think.”
I wanted to tell him that we didn’t have time. She could be in danger right now. But he was my only hope to get any information about her whereabouts. It irked me how out of control I felt. I forced myself to remain calm.
----
Unable to sit still, I started to help Malek at the smithery. Banging a hammer on metal was something even I could do, and it relieved some of my tension.
I was working on what would become a new sword when I heard my name being shouted.
“Drokahr!”
As I looked up, I saw Malek with Solen in tow.
“What is the meaning of this?” I asked, unsure what this meant. Solkar wouldn’t take it kindly if Solen were to talk to a traitor like me.
“Malek and I talked. Said you needed help,” he said, expression grim.
I nodded. “I need to find her.”
Solen let out a grunt, shaking his head. “You think I would just help you after what you did? Granted, Kelek deserved it. Was long overdue. But Drokahr, are you out of your mind?”
I guess I was.
“I need to know if she is safe.”
Solen groaned, rolling his eyes. “You really are a possessive bastard. Be glad I like you; otherwise, you could take that and shove it.”
I grinned. It was good to hear him say that.
“Go on. What do you need?”
“I need to know where they took her.”
“I am risking my neck here because of you. She better be worth it.”
“She is everything.”
“She made you soft, eh? Not only here,” he said, pounding on his chest, “but also here.” He tapped his head. I could see the look of mischief in his eyes. “Fine, but it’ll take a while. Can’t just barge into the Chief’s tent, can I?”
I nodded. I would take any lead I could get.
Solen went back to camp, promising to return as soon as possible. So I waited, days passing.
Then one afternoon, Solen arrived at my brother’s tent. With him was Halvar, the camp’s scout.
“Heard you are looking for someone,” he stated. He clearly didn’t like being here as much as Solen did. The punishment for surrounding yourself with traitors was severe. I knew how much they risked trying to help me.
I nodded. “I need to find Hannah.”
Halvar rubbed his neck. “Look, it ain’t pretty. I was out making my rounds. I heard shouting, so of course I had a look. I saw Rohen with your pet in tow. Dragged her to the landing station. I followed silently behind. Silvan, the old merchant, was waiting. Rohen tied her up,
and the reptile left with her.”
Dread pulled low in my stomach. If he had her, she could be anywhere. Whatever sliver of hope I had threatened to slip out of reach.
“So do we know where he took her to?” Nara inquired.
“Nah, that’s the tricky part. That sly snake does all sorts of deals. On this planet and outside of it. Rohen didn’t say where he took her.”
Heavy silence fell over the tent. Everyone was lost in thought.
“Well, we might not know it. But someone does,” Solen stated, grinning maliciously.
“Who?” Malek asked, confused.
“Silvan himself,” I said, finally catching on to what Solen meant.
“Oh sure, you want to wait for him to turn up and ask him nicely?” Halvar asked sarcastically.
“Actually, that is exactly what I want to do. That greedy little merchant enjoys a good bargain. If he took Hannah somewhere, you can be sure he sold her directly to someone, cutting out the middle man. Find him, find Hannah,” Solen said, pleased with himself.
“That actually might work,” said Halvar, chin resting on his hand.
As slim as the chances were that this would actually lead me to Hannah, I couldn’t afford to waste it. We got to work.
Silvan was supposed to arrive early in the morning a few days later, delivering merchant goods for the spring festivities. They were usually picked up by the camp’s cook, Yanis. Halvar would distract him. Lead him away from the landing pad. Malek insisted on coming along.
“I started it. Now I finish it,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.
Pride filled me. I was deeply grateful.
----
The sky was still dark when Malek and I met Solen in the forest close to the landing pad. Silvan would arrive any moment. We hid in the shadows. My heart beat erratically. Would this work? It must work. This was my only chance to get to Hannah. I scraped my claws against the palms of my hands.
Soon the sound of an engine could be heard. Silvan’s ship landed with a thump on the grass.
The loading deck opened slowly. Out came the reptile. He started unloading, carefully placing boxes down in the morning dew-covered grass. As silently as possible, we made our way toward him. Solen rounded the ship so he could block his path into the spaceship.
“Morning, Silvan!” Halvar shouted.
The reptile put down the last of his boxes. He straightened up, ready to greet him back when he saw me and Malek next to Halvar.
“Hehe, mornin’ to you too. See, you got a friend there,” he said, uneasily.
“Say, Silvan. You didn’t perhaps see a human? A woman? Hmm?”
“C-can’t say I have!” he laughed nervously.
“See, I don’t believe you. My friend here misses her. Wants to have her back. Be a good pal and help him out,” Solen said, voice playful but threat unmistakable. Lie, and you’re done.
Silvan twisted around to see Solen on top of the loading deck. No escape.
“Well, might have seen her. But look, I’m just an old merchant. I do business, that’s all.”
He knew where she was. I could feel it. I stepped forward, towering over him.
“I am ready to do business with you, old man,” I said, my voice low, threatening.
He sputtered, “Oh, I-I see! What business do you have in mind?”
Flexing my hands, making sure he saw my claws, I said, “You will take me to her, and I will not rip you to shreds.”
He gulped, following my hands. Silvan laughed uneasily. “Oh, my, what an offer.”
“An offer you will not say no to.”
I was this close. Laying my hope into that reptile was beyond mad, but it was all I had.
“Only take you there? And then you will leave?”
“You have my word.”
Sweat trickled down his scales, into his dirty shirt. He gulped once more.
“F-fine, get in,” he stuttered.
I couldn’t believe this actually worked.
I am coming, Hannah. Wait for me.
----
“Alright, get out!” Silvan shrieked as the landing dock opened at our destination.
“Where did you take her?” I growled.
“The bathhouse! Ask someone where it is. Now get out!” His voice rang shrill in my ears.
I exited the spacecraft, the loading deck immediately closing again, engines roaring.
Looking around, I could make out a town stretching up a small hill. A long, straight road led up to it. I followed its path.
The streets were crowded. All sorts of different species roamed about. But I only cared about one particular person. Halting a passerby, I asked for directions to the bathhouse.
“You follow the road, turn right at the store with the red roof that sells books, and follow the path down until you reach it,” he said. Easy enough. I thanked him.
Making my way up, I thought about what I wanted to say to her. How I could ever apologize for everything I had done. Whether she would even listen. I hoped she would.
I was so lost in thought that I didn’t notice my surroundings. Turning around, I scanned the rooftops. Spotting one a bit further down the road, I realized I must have missed it. I turned my attention back to the road.
I froze.
My heart slammed against my ribs.
There she was. Just… standing there. Her back turned toward me.
I would recognize that shade of brown hair anywhere.
Hannah.
My throat tightened. After all this time, I had found her. Every fear, every hope, every regret collided in my chest, pressing down, making it hard to breathe. I forced my shaking legs to move—slowly—toward her.
As I stood merely an arm’s length away, I stopped.
“Hannah,” was all I managed to whisper, my voice shaking.
As she turned, all the things I wanted to say to her came flooding down. But nothing came out. Shock crashed into me when I saw her beautiful face bruised and battered—a horrendous fresh scar on her forehead.
Her eyes went wide at the sight of me. Terror laced them. Her mouth opened, then closed.
“Hannah.”
I lifted a hand, trembling, wanting to reach her.
But my hand never met hers. Then and there, she turned on her heels and ran.