Chapter 20
ELIZA
I’d been kissed before. Not often, but it’d happened.
Unlike Winnie, I hadn’t been spending my weekends here in London since I was a teenager.
Mostly remaining at the estate had seriously limited my opportunities for romantic encounters.
There had been a boy from the village once and a visiting Earl’s son, but both courtships had been brief and rather lacking in passion.
The only things I knew about true passion, about true connection and how it should be, I’d learned from my books. Those, of course, weren’t real life either, but I imagined the authors wrote from a personal place sometimes as well.
Still, I’d never experienced any of it firsthand until Jesse had kissed me the other night. For the first time, I’d felt tingles, butterflies, and a deep-seated longing I hadn’t quite known what to do with. Even that kiss, however, had been nothing like this.
For a second, I forgot how to breathe, but when his mouth lifted away from mine, the only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted more. This was the man I was marrying as well as the man I had a strong suspicion I was falling for. I couldn’t let him go just yet.
His arms were wrapped around my waist, steadying me as he held me to him. A good thing, since I was relatively certain I would have swayed if he hadn’t been holding me upright, but more importantly, it also made it easier for me to just lean in.
The scales inside me tipped in favor of simply giving myself to him, and I pressed my lips to his, silently letting him know. Although it wasn’t a decision as much as a reaction, like my body had been waiting for permission I didn’t realize I’d been withholding.
His mouth found mine again instantly, like he’d been hoping I would meet him halfway. The kiss deepened and my stomach swooped even as my pulse raced. His arms tightened slightly at my waist, drawing me even closer, and I felt the solid warmth of him through the fabric of my dress.
My hands rose without conscious instruction, curling into the front of his shirt.
I knew we should probably stop. My father was somewhere in this house and we weren’t married yet, but Jesse had closed the door and the thought of waiting floated harmlessly at the back of my mind, faint and easily ignored.
I was no virgin and I was sure he wasn’t either.
If neither of us had been saving ourselves for marriage before, I supposed there was no reason to suddenly start doing it now.
Particularly not because this felt so easy.
Like my body had always been meant to fit against his this way and I just hadn’t known it before.
A quiet sound escaped me and the effect it had on him was immediate. One of his hands came up to cradle the side of my face and his thumb brushed along my cheek as if he couldn’t quite believe I was still here.
The kiss shifted into one a lot less careful and more searching, and I pressed myself up against him, melting. My heart hammered against my ribs and long dormant parts of my anatomy woke up with the heat of him surrounding me.
Jesse let out a quiet groan when I tugged him closer, walking us backward until I was pressed against the wall. There was no hesitation or awkwardness in either of us, no sense that this was the first time we were truly alone like this.
Instead, it felt alarmingly natural to surrender myself to him, to take, and to give, and to feel the hard ridges of his body plastered against my own. My fingers slid up into his hair, and when I tightened my grip, he made another low sound that sent a strange, electric shiver down my spine.
He kissed me harder then, deeper, his tongue stroking into my mouth and exploring all the little parts in a way no one had ever done before. Jesse wasn’t a boy fumbling around in the dark or a visitor who moved like he could be pulled away at any moment.
Tantalizingly, everything about him right now seemed deliberate.
Intentional. It kind of made me feel like he was saying, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.
Ever. The solid heat of his body moving against my own made time blur at the edges, my very existence boiling down to the strength of his hands and the growing, undeniable realization that I wanted this.
Deeply.
The realization shocked me enough that I stilled for a moment, but before I could gather the thoughts swirling around in my head, he kissed me again. Once more with an intensity that made my breath catch.
My hands tightened in his hair and his fingers flexed at my waist. Our mouths parted for a beat.
In that moment, it felt like we were both surprised by how much we wanted the other.
About how easily we fit together, and when our lips came together again, the kiss softened, lingering and slow rather than that hot, burning intensity, but somehow, it only made me want him more.
I slid my hand around to the back of his head, holding him to me as he leaned forward, properly pinning me to the wall now. Although there were far too many clothes between us, I could feel the hard length of him pressing against my lower belly and another rush of desire sparked through me.
“Jesse,” I murmured breathlessly between kisses, needing him to touch me more than I needed air, but as soon as I said his name, he pulled back abruptly.
Not far, but enough for the cool air of the room to slip between us again. I blinked, slightly dazed as I looked up into those blue eyes. All I saw looking back at me was want, his eyelids heavy and his pupils large, but his hands dropped slowly from my waist.
“Eliza,” he murmured.
My heart was still racing, but I tried to push through the lust clouding my brain, desperate to read the sudden tension on his face. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
He watched me for a long second, whatever was suddenly behind his eyes seeming far more complicated than necessary. He seemed conflicted, like he was torn straight down the middle between wanting to lean in again and wanting to run away.
Neither of us said anything to break the oddly electric silence between us. I just stood there, still feeling the echoes of something neither of us had quite meant to start but hadn’t been able to stop either, but then Jesse let out a quiet sigh and reached forward.
His fingers brushed gently through my hair, smoothing the strands away from my face in a gesture so tender, it made my heart skip.
“You need to sleep, Eliza. Get some rest before the flight, okay?” His voice had gone calm again, soft and easy, the words so practical that it almost felt unfair considering what had just happened.
“I’m taking care of everything else. You don’t have to worry. ”
I swallowed hard, my thoughts scattered somewhere between my racing heart and the memory of his mouth on mine. “I’m fine.”
The look he gave me made it clear he didn’t believe that for a second. “You’ve had a week of nonstop chaos. Packing, planning, traveling, getting engaged, and finding out that you’re moving across an ocean. That’s a lot. We don’t need to add anything else to that list right now.”
As my brain slowly returned to my body, I realized that he might be right, but I still wanted him to touch me again. Badly. I wanted to take him to my bed and ask him to make me forget that the world outside had ever even existed. All I wanted right now was him.
Not sleep, rest, or the inevitable tossing and turning that would come from knowing that I was leaving behind life as I’d always known it.
My body had never reacted to anyone the way it was reacting to him, and that made me absolutely convinced that if I asked him to make me forget, he’d manage it just as easily as he seemed to manage everything else.
Unfortunately, there was no possible way to say that out loud without sounding completely unhinged. Like I’d be using him as nothing more than a human sex toy to drive away the bad thoughts, the nostalgia, and the profound sadness of leaving home.
So instead, I nodded. “Right. Okay.”
He hesitated for a moment, like there was something else he wanted to say, but he seemed to think better of it, turning and heading for the door instead. “Goodnight, Eliza.”
“Goodnight.”
He crossed the room at a surprisingly brisk pace, pulling open the door and disappearing behind it. For a fleeting second, I thought he might turn around, at least to look at me again, but he didn’t.
The door simply clicked shut behind him and then he was gone.
Meanwhile, I was still leaning with my back against the wall, staring at that door and willing it to open again.
I imagined Jesse bursting through it like he might’ve if he’d been the hero in one of my books, crossing the room with those same brisk strides from before, but coming toward me this time instead of walking away.
Disappointingly, the door remained firmly shut. Several long seconds of staring—and perhaps fantasizing—later, I finally realized he wasn’t coming back. My knees eventually even remembered how to work and I stumbled to the bed, collapsing onto the edge of it and pressing my hands over my face.
How is it even possible for a kiss to affect a person like that? It had been one heck of a bloody kiss, but still. Ultimately and unfortunately, only a kiss.
Yet my cheeks were still hot, my heart still raced, and my entire body still ached for his touch. I think I might even have ruined my first pair of panties.
That thought alone was enough to make me whimper softly into my hands. I’d never been quite as aware of my vagina as I was in this very moment, and despite how incredibly sexy some of my books were, I was quite sure I’d never been so…
Wet. The term you’re looking for is soaked, actually, a snarky voice whispered from the back of my mind. Oh, bugger off. He’s a good kisser, okay?
Finally realizing that it was utterly insane to be having this argument with myself, I forced myself to stand and go through my usual nighttime routine.
Perhaps that would help. After collecting my vanity bag, I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and drew out the pins Stella had lovingly pushed into my hair earlier, but the entire process happened in a kind of hazy fog.
Several times, I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and paused, staring at my slightly flushed face and wondering when my skin would return to its normal color.
Honestly, it was no wonder Jesse had run.
I looked liable to launch myself at him and demand that he service me.
It was ridiculous, but by the time I finally crawled into my bed, my mind was still racing and my body still hadn’t quite settled.
Rolling over with a soft moan, I flicked off the lamp on the nightstand and stared up at the dark ceiling after. Tomorrow morning, we would leave for America, Jesse and me. We’d be flying not only to Chicago, but back to his world where I would be expected to start a new life.
The idea was both thrilling and terrifying. No more foggy mornings or rolling hills. Sunshine and blue skies would welcome us back to his home.
Perhaps. I actually had no idea what to expect from the weather there as summer slowly started giving way to autumn over the next couple months.
What I did know for an absolute fact was there would be no quiet country lanes or stone buildings, but rather bustling, busy streets and modern, glass skyscrapers.
Somewhere in the middle of those spiraling thoughts, there was also the man himself. The man with the quiet confidence who had a way of seeing what I needed before I’d said a word. His hands had been so warm on my waist and his lips had pressed so insistently against mine.
When we had headed to Chicago a few weeks ago, I’d been glad for the break. Now that Jesse was promising me exactly that, however, I wasn’t sure I would survive taking time off if I spent that time with him.
I rolled onto my side, then onto my back, and then onto the other side, but sleep refused to embrace me.
Hours seemed to pass while my thoughts bounced wildly between my responsibilities, the estate, the wedding, and the very confusing reality that I wanted my fiancé in all sorts of scandalous ways.
Eventually, exhaustion won and I drifted off sometime probably not long before dawn.
The next thing I registered was the faint sound of an alarm, a low electronic chime going off close by.
For several seconds, I just lay there, disoriented and trying to place where the sound was coming from, but then, slowly, something else registered.
Warmth. A solid, steady warmth around me.
My eyes opened slowly to Jesse shifting. Groaning softly, he reached toward the nightstand to silence the alarm. His arm had been draped over my waist and the movement made the warmth disappear, but I still felt the lingering imprint of it. Of him.
I still didn’t dare move, though. It felt like a dream, but at some point during the night, Jesse must’ve climbed into bed beside me, and judging by the comfortable position of his arm earlier, he’d slept here.
In my bed. Holding me. And I suddenly wanted to kick myself for dozing off because I hadn’t even known it. But I still didn’t move or let him know I was awake, too afraid that any reaction would break the spell—and ruin any chances I might have of the same thing happening tonight.