Chapter 15
HEKLA
I ran away from my new ‘home.’ I ran away from my room, from the castle, and from my fated mate. I ran from Bidelia, Doctor Egres, and poor, injured Emer. I ran from the nightmare I’d been living, but the pain followed viciously. My neck blazed, and I sobbed from the fresh burns I continued to receive with every impact of my feet on stone. Though the fit was tight, the collar jostled and spread its agonizing fire.
Worse yet, my heart was in tatters, and I could only think with my emotions. The soul that should have joined with him had been shredded. It was now being dragged through the mud, broken and bleeding. Belenus… I couldn’t believe it. Belenus had betrayed me. He had used me and abandoned me.
I was supposed to be the most precious creature in his life. He was supposed to worship me as much as I worshiped him. He was supposed to eventually love me as much as I’d eventually love him.
The courtship lengths made so much more sense now. How convenient mine was to last a month while Eislyn’s was two weeks. I should have known... he didn’t want to share a room because he was waiting for another female to warm his bed. I’d never been invited to his room... and yet there was Eislyn, making an heir with Belenus within days of arriving. Fucking each other... No wonder.
He must have not wanted a she-wolf after all. What was the word he’d used? Crude.
I knew what I’d seen, and I knew what I’d smelled, but I just couldn’t believe it. Belenus’s scent had been all over Eislyn, and she’d been disheveled like she’d been rolling around in bed. I couldn’t smell between her legs because of her skirts, but her cleavage reeked of Belenus’s seed.
I squeezed my eyes shut for the briefest of moments while I ran, trying to restrain the emotional torture, but it continued to erupt out of my broken heart and drain through my eyes. How much had they tangled? Was she covered in his pleasure? How many times had they fucked before I’d been summoned to Belenus’s room? I hadn’t seen him all day. Had they been fucking all day?
I screamed through my teeth and grabbed my head, hyperventilating. My claws dug in as I tried to reject the memories and assumptions that threatened to kill me with grief. The shrieking didn’t help the cacophony in my head; the mac-talla had been swearing unintelligibly since I told Bidelia and him what’d happened.
“I begged him,” I sobbed to myself as I fled down the main road from the castle. “I asked him not to fall in love with her! I asked him not to give up on us!”
That roaster’s aff his heid! Bum’s oot the windae! The bawbag’s maw’s a boggin, bowfin, lavvy heid! Arse ranted and raved from his spot in my bag. He was being rocked about from my running, but he didn’t complain for a single second.
In my shock and despondence, I’d forgotten to try to head back through the door to my realm, so I ran to the only other location I knew. It wasn’t until I saw the lights of the fae city that I realized I would have needed a fae to take me through the realm door anyway. I doubted I could have convinced a guard to do it. Also, the thought of facing all I knew in my original realm, sharing my humiliation… I wouldn’t be able to bear it. Ragna was happily mated to a doting Zorian, Rudesind was obsessive in his nurturing of Rakel, and Soley and Koray? They were deliriously in love. Why me? Oh gods, why me?
My feet met cobblestone when I entered the city, and I was dismayed to find that many fae were still out, enjoying their evening. Everyone who saw me stared, and I could only imagine my frantic appearance. Here was a wolf-shifter in heat, running into their town and sobbing with a mac-talla peeking from a bag. With the collar, I had to look like an escaped prisoner. Several concerned fae tried to stop me, but I dodged and kept racing to my destination. My lungs screamed, chilled from the night air, and I started to feel faint. It was all too much.
I came to a stumbling stop when I reached the pet shop. It was closed, but I banged my fist on the door, crying and begging for Oscar’s help. It looked like there was an apartment above the shop, and I hoped to all the gods that it was the wulver’s and that he was home.
The shop light eventually turned on, and through the window, I spied Oscar’s head peeking around a corner, wary at the sound of someone pounding on his door.
Ah’ll spake tae him, Arse informed.
I slowed my pounding on the door and looked down at him. “You bonded to him? I guess you’ve been here long enough for that to eventually happen.”
Aye, Arse said simply, and the door opened, revealing a surprised Oscar. He submitted, and I shook my head, gesturing for him to get to his feet. I rubbed my swollen eyes and whimpered while I waited for Arse to explain, unable to silence my overflowing grief. The wulver looked down at the mac-talla as he listened and then urged me to enter, locking the door behind us.
Oscar took us upstairs and sat us at a table. A she-wulver said something to Oscar, and they spoke in fae for a minute. Then, he hurried out of the apartment, and the she-wulver draped a blanket around my shoulders. She rushed into the kitchen and returned with some tea and a thick stew-like dish. When she nuzzled the side of my head in a wolfish way, I crumbled. It almost had me thinking I was home. I leaned into her and started howling in emotional pain. She patted my head and rocked me for several minutes while I sobbed, but then pushed the food toward me and growled in fae.
She insists ye ett yer stovies. This is Oscar’s nighean. Erm, that means ‘daughter,’ Oisin, Arse said. I placed my hand on my chest and whimpered, “Hekla.” I was nauseated from my stress, but I knew I had to fuel myself for… wherever I was going. I wanted to run away, far from here. My wolf would settle for no less than the wilds right now. Maybe the wulver would let me into a remote pack.
By the time I finished my food, Oscar returned and spoke in fae, gesturing for me to follow him. Oisin gave me a hug, and I whined wolfishly as I returned it, speaking the only way I could in the moment and left to follow Oscar.
We departed the shop and hurried through the city, turning this way and that to get to wherever Oscar wanted to take me. He kept looking down at the mac-talla and glanced up in occasion at me. He growled and whined randomly, and I quickly realized that Arse must be telling him the story. I didn’t care anymore for my privacy. My heart had been shredded. Nothing mattered.
Oscar rapped on another shop door, and we were let in by a fae man with bull horns and cloven hooves for feet. It was a weapons shop, but we were rushed through and out the back where a forge rested under a sturdy stone roof.
Oscar saiz Fearghas wull tak ye collar aff, Arse translated. My tears started anew in gratitude, and I leaned my head to the side so the fae could get a good look at the lock. He snorted in disgust and bit his lip in consideration. Then, he spoke to Oscar—who pulled my hair back—before prompting me to lean my head to the left .
Fearghas worked over my collar for what felt like an eternity, and they eventually gagged me with a cloth because I’d started screaming. Finally, the silver ring came off, and I all but fainted. Noticing my shaking knees, Oscar caught me and Fearghas grabbed my legs to set me down on the floor, propping me against the wall. The bull fae retreated, then returned with a medical kit to tend to my neck. I cried hoarsely as he applied cream to my burns and shock brought me blissfully back into its numb embrace. I was offered water and pills, which I accepted without question or hesitation.
When I was more composed, Oscar escorted me to the east end of town. It was the farthest point from the castle, and I stared into the deep shadows past the city. I couldn’t wait to sink into the black-blue of the night. Black and blue… the colors that were beaten into my wretched heart; I found that darkly appropriate.
The wulver watched me as I spoke to the mac-talla. “What do you want to do, Arse?” I asked with a voice that was barely working. “This is it. I’m leaving from here.”
The mac-talla turned his black gaze to the night, then back to the castle. He was uneasy, and I understood his fear without him needing to explain. He was prey, he was domesticated, and the wild might be too harsh for him. As much as I might need his help communicating, I didn’t want to consign him to my lonely fate.
Ah’m wirried aboot wee Bidelia, he said, sounding strained.
I smiled softly and petted his head, accepting this was where we parted. “Would you like Oscar to take you to her? You should keep an eye on her for me,” I asked quietly. Another piece of my shredded heart disintegrated, but if I worded it this way, he wouldn’t be made to feel like a coward.
Ye’ll be alone, Arse pointed out uncomfortably.
“A she-wolf is never alone. I have Eventide. You know that,” I reminded. “Bidelia will be under a brutal queen soon. She’ll need you, my friend,” I said, my voice breaking when I uttered the word ‘queen.’
It was supposed to be me… I thought bleakly to myself.
Aye… tha’ sh e wull, he agreed and began to clamber out of my bag. Oscar seemed to be talking to the mac-talla as I handed him over and undressed. I shoved my clothes into my bag, secured it to my back, and shifted into Eventide. Her entire body shook, her trauma displaying as extremely as mine. She still hasn’t spoken.
Hekla, Oscar saiz he’ll tak me tae Bidelia, Arse said.
The wulver crouched in front of me and stroked the side of Eventide’s head, just under her ear.
How could he? I sobbed to him and let Arse communicate that. I knew that as a wolf fae, he’d understand the importance of honoring mates.
He saiz he dinnae think he did, Arse replied. He saiz that’s nae the Belenus he’s kent fur oer a hunner years.
But she smelled like his seed! I wailed, feeling sharp sorrow spike through my numbness.
He saiz she wants tae be queen . The fae can mak a’ sorts o’ things happen, Arse translated darkly.
Eventide whined and fidgeted. She was ready to run away, and so was I. We were ready to be forgotten.
Goodbye, Oscar. Arse.
Eventide darted out of the city and released a gut-wrenching howl. Not long after we disappeared into the shadowy fae wilds, Oscar responded with his own call.
Sky Gods! I begged the night sky. Has it happened? Is it time yet? Please, is it time?
It is time, They said, finally breaking Their silence.
BELENUS
I wasted no time leaving the castle. I ran straight from Hekla’s room to the armory and grabbed what I needed for the road. There was no time to gather meal provisions; I could hunt and forage for myself. When I raced out to the stables, I heard footsteps running after me and nearly cleaved Koray in half with my sword.
“Shit! What are you rushing at me for in the dark? I almost killed you!” I said, breathing heavily. I returned the blade to its sheath and leaned against a post. “Thought you were a blisterin’ spring guard or some shit!”
“I think…” Koray whispered, holding a hand out while he caught his own breath. “I think we’re being summoned to the Realm of the Gods.”
“What?” I replied, giving him a speculative glance. “I know you’re the Lunar Key, but what makes you think that? I thought only the vessels could talk to the gods.”
Koray glared at me and looked toward the horses. It seemed like he was trying to sort out something for himself. He gestured to his head and growled, “I feel this prodding in my damn head, and no matter where I turn, it’s always on the side facing that realm door. It’s not fucking going away! Happened as soon as you ran off.”
I groaned through my teeth and kicked a bale of hay to the other side of the stables, startling a couple dozing horses. “I don’t have time for this!”
“Well, I’m going! Bye! I just came to let you know because I think you’re supposed to come with me!” he snapped and stormed out of the stables, looking as tense as I felt. I glanced back at Haul, scowled in frustration, and followed Koray to the realm door at the top of the Sun Tower. We were both in abysmal moods, and I was going to get a lot angrier if this turned out to be a waste of my time. I needed to catch up to Hekla.
Koray rushed us through the realm door to where the goddess called home, and we jogged through the woods to Her abode. The door opened before I could knock, and a white lycan stood just inside to greet us.
“King Zorian?” I blurted but grimaced because that couldn’t be right. He was the only white lycan I knew, but this didn’t seem like his lycan. This one seemed far calmer and… well… I glanced down and verified. Yes, that was a female.
Definitely not, Prince Belenus. The lycan laughed. Enter, please. It’s good to see you again, Koray.
“You too, Moon Goddess,” the young man replied with a sigh and ran his fingers through his long black hair. He seemed calmer now.
“My apologies, Moon Goddess,” I said, entering Her home. “I’ve never met you in your realm.” I moved to the sitting room and stared at the couch where I had my meltdown over a month ago. That was when I’d found out that Ragna was pregnant and couldn’t be my mate after all. That was when Zorian had told me to grow up, and yet that was the beginning of our tenuous friendship. How ironic that I’d found myself here… I hadn’t grown up in time, I supposed.
“The Sky Gods left, I see,” Koray said, seating himself, and the lycan gave a growling hum.
They are with Hekla at the moment. It is finally time, as They said, She replied, and Koray nodded, rubbing at his lower lip in thought.
“Hekla?” I asked, moving to the edge of my seat to address the goddess. “Is she in this realm? Where is she?”
Not in this realm, no. She’s going where she needs to be, the Moon Goddess answered.
“So… I’m sorry, but I’m going out of my mind right now. Was there something you needed? I know you said she’s where she needs to be, but I must find her. I really… messed up. I really hurt her,” I said, utterly losing my composure before the deity who’d gifted me Hekla, and I buried my face in my hands. I couldn’t meet Her eyes. Humiliation, horror, despair, guilt… I wasn’t sure what I felt more.
Why do you say that? She asked. She didn’t sound curious; She didn’t sound confused… She sounded like She wanted to drag something out of me, but I didn’t know what that was .
“I kept letting her get hurt!” I gestured out the window, picturing her alone in the dark somewhere right now. “I let people get between us! I thought if I played by the rules, moved cautiously, patiently, everything would be safe, but it wasn’t!” I said, finally narrowing my eyes and speaking through my teeth to try to keep the brimming tears at bay. “And I fell to temptation…”
I should have never touched her.
The goddess moved to the kitchen and began to boil water on the stove. Let’s say a pup grows up in a home where they teach him that it’s ok to bite. Is it the pup’s fault when he bites someone else’s pup?
“Ah…” I hesitated. Where was she going with this? “No? I suppose I’d blame the parents?”
Imagine that, years later, he brings a mate home to his family. He thinks that if he plays by his family’s rules, he can keep his mate safe. He knows that it’s wrong to bite now, but he bites to keep his family from biting her. He’s somewhat comfortable with it, because he grew up biting, but she doesn’t understand it at all. It’s scary for her. It’s also scary for her to watch him bite others, the white lycan said, setting steaming cups of tea down for both Koray and me. I glowered at mine, thinking of the last time I drank tea. So, is it really surprising that, at some point, no matter how hard he tries, his mate gets bitten? She asked.
“I suppose not, but maybe he shouldn’t have brought her there to begin with,” I argued in a quieter voice, starting to see where She was going with this. “It was irresponsible.”
You didn’t have a choice, Belenus. You had to bring Hekla into chaos. A true alpha doesn’t abandon his pack. You just didn’t realize how bad it really was until your biting mother was provoked. You were outnumbered, and your opponents fought dirty. Though she got hurt, you did the best you could to keep her safe in the manner you were raised to. That’s all you knew. Those were the only tools you had to work with. You knew no other way. Your family strayed from the rules you were raised to follow. One does not truly grow up until they live life outside their upbringing. That is where gathered wisdom grows.
Had you taken her anywhere else, She continued, she would have been safe. The fae courts hurt her, Belenus. You did not. You were one man against an entire army of biters. She also hurt herself for not trusting you when you warned her it’d get that bad. In the end, blaming is a waste of time. We live life in grey, and it’s time to move on. Focus your anger on your true enemies. The deity spoke more like a mother than mine ever had.
I was stuck on what She’d said about facing an army. “A general should know when to retreat when outnumbered, though. I don’t know if I believe you,” I gritted out with tears streaming pathetically into my hands. There was a shift in weight on the couch, and Koray’s sympathizing hand landed on my shoulder. I wondered if he believed me now.
You don’t need to, She said simply. Remember, your family used the threat of execution against you both. Drink your tea. What is your plan now?
I frowned, cleared my throat and rubbed my eyes. “I’m going to start tracking her as soon as I leave. I’ve lost a lot of time, and I’m afraid she’s long gone by now.”
Are you going to use the gift you made for her?
“I… had considered but…” I looked away and shook my head. “I’m not sure if it would be… effective…”
She tilted Her head again, staring intensely at me; it was as though She was trying to measure my worth. Would you accept a blessing from the Moon Goddess, Belenus?
HEKLA
Eventide ran out her distress across the dark fae wilds while I spoke to the Sky Gods. What do I do now? I begged. I’m going mad! Please give me something to do !
I have children in this realm. Follow the Eventide star, the Sky Gods directed. Their presence in my mind nudged, aiming Eventide and me.
That’s my name, my wolf said shakily. Is this a bad omen? I wasn’t surprised that she’d see it that way. We were hurt in the worst way and saw the world through cracked, bleeding glass.
Eventide is the first, brightest star on the horizon at nightfall. It will take you east. Pass through winter and the wild fae—if you can—and look for the night, They instructed.
But what do I do when I get there? And what do you mean if I can? I asked in a rush. I knew nothing of this land or its people. I was afraid, but I embraced that. I’d rather be terrified for my life than think about…
If they still live, I expect you to herd them home. Is my will clear, Vessel?
No, it’s not! How do I do that? What happened to them? I had too many questions.
I don’t know, They said simply. I haven’t heard from them or seen them in an eon. Do what I cannot.
I will. I will do that, Sky Gods. At least we had a specific direction to flee from our nightmares. I knew I had more questions, but my mind met its limit. Helpful thoughts evaded me. Reason drifted out of reach.
Watch out for what you might refer to as monsters, Hekla. The creatures here are older and more twisted than any you’ve met. Starlight preserve you, my vessel. We shall keep one of our many eyes on you the best we can.
MONSTERS? Eventide screeched, and she stumbled in her gait. My wolf slowed and crouched to the ground, getting as low as possible. Her entire body dissolved into violent shaking again. There was no point in asking the Sky Gods to clarify. Their presence was gone.
She sat in a patch of heather for what felt like a year, listening to the wind blowing through the solitary trees and over the moorland. Branches creaked and rustled as the air moved, making us feel like something large stirred out of sight.
Eventide eventually moved—a paw at a time—slinking through the spongy ground with her tail tucked between her hind legs. We started imagining things. Little shadows moved in the corner of our vision, and vague sounds promised to be any number of beings. Something sounded like either panting breaths right behind us or wood being sawn a mile away. Frightened, Eventide and I tensed by the second, on the threshold of terror. In the end, all it took was a single twig snapping to send her racing east. Her fear soared, and I knew I had to be the rock now.
Calm! Calm! I urged, trying to soothe her. Slow. Just keep a steady pace, and we’ll rest when we find a safe spot. Let’s just follow your star.
My star… she said weakly.
Yes! Look at you! I wish I was named after a star, I replied, sickened from forcing out positivity. Not to mention, you’re one of the brightest ones up there! You lucky pup.
Lucky…? she asked. I-I think not… I don’t think either of us are v-very lucky right now, she replied, breathing hard as she angled left to move around a soggy pond that seemed to come out of nowhere. H-Hekla… I don’t feel so… good…
Oh no. It’d been too soon. I shouldn’t have shifted right after getting that silver collar removed. I should have known Eventide would be weak. What was I thinking?
Eventide, find a place to hide before you pass out!
She lost her balance and stumbled toward a cluster of jutting rocks and shrubbery. Eventide discovered a dark corner to settle in and curled into a ball. Shudders vibrated her as we thought of monsters in the dark, but it wasn’t enough to keep us awake. A deep, vulnerable sleep claimed us… in the rustling fae night.