18
THEA
Anticipating I’d need a couple of days to recuperate from my long week of shoots and my parent’s visit, I took Monday and Tuesday off. Unexpectedly, I didn’t know I’d need time to mull over Cole’s revelation as well.
I keep going back and forth on my decision. That hard no from two days ago has turned into a maybe. And now, I feel myself closer to yes. However, as soon as I think I’ve accepted that I might want this, the doubts creep in and I’m back to square one.
Cole messaged me a couple of times to check on me. He’s always so thoughtful and I love hearing from him, but it’s making my decision harder. So, I’ve been short with him. I don’t want to lead him on if I decide I can’t do this.
The thought of letting him go, of never kissing him, running my fingers through those blonde curls, or seeing him laugh at one of my jokes hurts more than I’d like to admit. I did what I tried so hard to prevent—I got attached too quickly.
At first, I was angry that he didn’t tell me sooner, well outright if I’m being honest. Then the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s only been three weeks. We barely know each other and despite caring for him already, it’s hard for me to accept their lifestyle. If he would have told me on our first date, I wouldn’t have seen him again.
I’ve also come to terms with taking accountability for my deceptions. I’d justified not telling Cole about Gavin by convincing myself that it was too new to saddle him with that responsibility. Then I roped his brothers into my lies. As soon as Damian knew about him, I should have gone to Cole.
I’m not any better than them. We’re all protecting ourselves.
When Cole discovered my bruises and I confessed to Gavin being in town, he didn’t make me feel bad at all. His first instinct was to make sure that my ex never laid another hand on me. There was no guilt or shame. He simply understood why I’d kept the truth from him, trusting that I did it for the right reasons.
How could I not give him the same in return?
My parent’s relationship weighs heavily on me. The unspoken admission that my mother made about men not being faithful, as if that was something to be accepted, is a gnawing pain in my chest. Their marriage, in every sense, is traditional, yet that didn’t protect her from being betrayed by him. My relationship with Gavin was traditional. That didn’t save me from years of emotional and physical abuse.
I’m realizing that my concept of what a relationship is supposed to be may not be right. I thought it should be between two people. But what if it’s simply a partnership between people? Who decided that two is the right number?
I’m overthinking all of this. I could ponder the philosophy of these dynamics until I die and I’d never have a good answer. Even if I found one, what’s right for me wouldn’t be right for someone else.
The important thing is what I feel and what I want to do. Easier said than done. If I live my life according to what everyone else deems appropriate or what works for them, I may never find happiness. There was a time when I didn’t care about what anyone thought. I always looked at it as my rebellious phase when I finally escaped my parents, although maybe that’s my true self and I’ve been hiding her away.
Before Gavin, my first two years of college were… a little wild, to say the least. I was a free spirit back then and pushing boundaries wasn’t an issue for me. Trauma probably played a part. So when I had the chance at a threesome, I took it. When I was offered a joint, I smoked it. When a guy suggested fucking in a public place, I did it.
Visions of the many exploits race through my mind and all of them have one thing in common—I didn’t care what other people thought. And that was the happiest time of my life, just not giving a damn.
College Thea probably would have found the idea of dating four men… exciting. I try to harness the younger me, however, there’s hesitation.
Two things come to mind that make me second guess everything. Small town gossip—I seem to be at the center of that already. Oh, the things the women in this town would say if they knew I was screwing the Wolfe Creek Four. And Cassie—she has strong opinions. I’m not sure where she’d fall with this one.
In my head, I know I shouldn’t care what she thinks, although in my heart, I do.
Finally, I try to imagine my life with each of the men. It’s easy with Sutton. I know him so well even after all our years apart. I can see days of lying around, reading and nights of memorizing each other’s bodies. With Cole, I can see all the sweetness. We’d spend hours baking and cooking. He’d learn just how I like to be touched. He’d get that dark look in his eyes and I wouldn’t be able to resist him. Damian is a bit more difficult. I don’t know him well, however, I can tell that he is protective and likes to be in control. I think he’d keep me safe. Wesley is the hardest. I see how he is with other people. He laughed and joked with his hands going in all directions. He’s so animated. But with me, he’s closed off—cold. So if he ever opened up, I imagine he would make me feel better on my toughest days. He’d make me laugh or give me the best hug.
My lip quivers as images of memories that haven’t happened yet flash through my mind. Goosebumps break out over my skin as my heart races. What a beautiful fucking life that would be. There would be sacrifices and conflict. Would it all be worth it?
I’m almost sure I know what I’m going to decide, although I need to talk to Cole first—alone.
Me: Hey, can I meet you tomorrow evening to talk?
Cole: Of course. I’m closing. Do you want to come to the bakery around seven? I’ll make you some tea.
Me: That would be great.
Cole: I miss you.
Me: I miss you too.
My nerves have been on fire all day. I’ve hardly been able to sit still. I’ve tried cleaning, editing photos, watching a movie, napping, editing photos again—I can’t concentrate on anything except the knotted ball in my stomach. When six forty-five rolls around, I can’t get out of the house fast enough. I decide to walk. If I drive, I’ll have to sit in my apartment for another ten minutes—I can’t do that.
I’ve run out of long sleeve shirts and frankly, I’m tired of sweating my ass off in the summer sun trying to hide the now yellowing bruise. I opt for a thin strapped maxi dress with blue florals that’s snug on my chest and hips, loosening a bit towards my feet. The ties of the ruched bosom hang down my torso.
It’s probably unfair for me to look this good meeting up with Cole to discuss something so important, but I couldn’t help myself. It’s been three days since I’ve seen him and I want to be prepared for anything.
Pulling open the door, I’m hit with the familiar scent of buttery, baked goodness and freshly brewed coffee. I’ve been without my fix for days and while it’s tempting to grab a cup, I don’t want to be up all night.
All of that clears from my mind as soon as Cole looks up and sees me. He doesn’t give me his usual smile, instead his tongue darts out, wetting his lips. I want to climb across that counter and kiss him, although I exercise some self control.
Cole comes from around the counter and walks to me with purpose. His eyes have that look, the one I can’t resist. I focus on my breathing and brace myself, thinking that he’s going to grab me. He leans in close so that his warm cinnamon and amber scent teases me.
His hand is on the door at my back. I can’t think around his smell, the feel of his breath on my skin, or the throbbing between my legs. I hear the click of a lock, then he flips the sign to say closed.
“Hi Thea.” He’s not touching me, yet electricity pulses hot and urgent in the sliver of space between us.
Cole’s holding back. I know it’s because he’s preparing for the worst—probably has been for days. I don’t want to see him like this. It’s hurting both of us. So I wrap my arms around him, pulling him in close. I’ve missed the warmth and feel of his body against mine. It takes him a moment, then he embraces me, hanging on so tight I think he might never let me go.
Pulling away first, he offers, “Let me get you that tea.” I find a table to sit at, one that’s partially obscured by a couple of potted trees outside. No reason to give the town more to talk about than necessary.
Cole comes over with two steaming cups and takes a seat across from me. “It’s good to see you. I wanted to ask how things went with your parents the other day. However, I know you needed your space.” He takes a sip of his drink.
“Thank you. That means a lot and shows me you can respect my boundaries. That’s very important to me.” I take a steadying breath. “The visit with my parents didn’t go well. I’ll spare you all the details, but they’re the reason that Gavin is here. They would have me be with someone who will hurt me rather than respect that he doesn’t make me happy.”
He reaches out a hand across the table and I take it. “I’m so sorry. That must be hard.” I nod in agreement.
“It is. But it also gave me a lot of clarity. I can see what I want my future to look like, the person I want to spend it with. And I sorted through my reservations.” Cole’s grip tightens. He’s nervous. I am too, so I run my thumb over his hand reassuringly to help him relax.
“I think I care too much about what other people think. I always have. College was the only time that I really came out of my shell and lived for me. I didn’t have the pressure of my parents constantly criticizing me. Sutton was my only close friend back then and you know, he’s not exactly the judgy type. That was the happiest time of my life. I’m happy now, of course, yet I’m still holding onto things that aren’t important.”
I drink some of my tea and collect the thoughts that are ping-ponging through my head. This was so much easier when I didn’t need to say it out loud.
“Cassie’s opinion, the people in town who already have a low opinion of me, my parent’s expectations… But if I live according to how everyone else thinks I should, I’ll regret not knowing if I could have been happier. This is all to say that I’m considering saying yes to the four of you.” Cole’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “I’ve also considered walking away completely. The only thing off the table is asking you to leave your brothers. That is something I could never do. I’m sorry I even brought it up the other day. Before I decide, I need some more details.”
Cole’s uncertainty returns. I’m sure he’s nervous he could say the wrong thing and scare me away. “Anything. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”
For the next two hours, we talk about everything that worries me, the logistics of dating them, arguments, communication, and their history with this arrangement.
“Jealousy isn’t an issue between the four of us. We got that out of our systems when we were kids. We realized if we set our egos aside, we could be stronger, better. It’s worked for us all these years. That applies to relationships as well. You’ll have a special bond with each of us. We’re all different people and who you are with each of us will vary slightly. But to the core, we’re loyal, we care fiercely for one another, and we stick it out during the tough times. It won’t be perfect, there will be fights, however, there will be so many beautiful moments. It’s about finding a good rhythm and making sure everyone is as happy as possible.”
It makes sense when he describes it like this. “Cole, I’m worried because Sutton and I have a long history together. Nothing ever happened between us—”
“Did you wish something had?” He interjects.
The blush creeping over my cheeks is enough to answer his question, although I confirm it, “Yes.” I childishly expect anger or resentment, but when I meet Cole’s gaze, he’s smiling.
“What worries me is that we will bond faster and that might cause issues. Also, we’ve been friends for so long, I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want it to be weird.”
“It’s a risk, and I understand your apprehension. Maybe you and Sutton could sit down and discuss it. I’m sure he has similar feelings.” This man knows exactly what to say to comfort me. How could I not want this?
I sigh. It feels like there is so much to discuss. However, I’m mentally drained from thinking it over. “I’m still not convinced all of you will want to date me. There’s no way you all have the same type. How will all of our personalities mesh? I mean, look at Wesley. I know Damian said not to worry about him, but he won’t even look at me longer than two seconds.”
Cole nods in understanding. “Wesley’s been hurt in the past. A few years ago, we found someone that agreed to this. We dated her for two years, she and Wesley had a strong connection. She got a job offer and took it. Moved across the country and eventually she just stopped responding to our calls and messages. What killed Wesley was that he’d been offered a job abroad and turned it down to stay here with her.”
Fuck. That hurts my heart. The feeling is unexpected, considering I’m not close with Wesley. When I first met him, I remember feeling like his coldness was protective. He’s protecting himself because he’s been hurt immeasurably. I know exactly how that feels.
I stare out the window and focus on the streetlights, waiting for the watering in my eyes to subside.
I glance back at Cole. “He’s a good person, isn’t he?”
“One of the best I know,” Cole assures. “It’s going to take him time. He needs patience and grace.” The way he talks about his brother is beautiful. Reaching into this pocket, he pulls out his phone. “I’m going to show you something. This stays between you and me.” His face is suddenly serious. My brows knit in confusion. He taps on his screen and scrolls.
When he turns the phone around, I can see it’s a group chat. Their group chat. I’m too fucking nosy not to look. I start at the top message.
Damian: Wes, ease up on the girl, you’ll scare her away…
Sutton: The death stare you gave her at game night had her practically shaking.
Cole: If you ruin this for us, Wes, I’m going to kick your ass. I might not have a chance in hell at winning, but I’ll go down trying.
Wesley: What do you want me to do? She just stares at me with those big fucking blue eyes… If I don’t glare at her, she’ll just keep staring. I can’t stand it.
Sutton: Wtf… Her eyes are my favorite thing about her. I could stare into them forever.
Wesley: That’s the problem. They’re traps. If I look too long… I won’t be able to stop.
Cole: Wes, you can’t keep doing this. Keeping your guard up isn’t going to get you anywhere.
Damian: Yes or no? Does she check all of your boxes?
Damian: Your fucked up history aside…
Wesley: Yes.
Sutton: Are you willing to risk losing out on this? Can you let her walk away? Because I can’t. I’ve already done it once and let me tell you, losing this girl hurts like fucking hell.
Wesley: Then it’s settled. I’ll try not to be such a dick…
I instantly regret spying on their conversation. These are their private thoughts laid bare. Still, I can see why Cole showed me. Knowing that none of them wants me to walk away feels strangely comforting.
Cole grabs my hands, his eyes searching mine. “Give us a chance. The minute it’s too uncomfortable, you can walk away.”
I don’t know if this will work. And I won’t know unless I try.
The moments tick by and my decision becomes clearer. I can’t let Cole go, not yet, which means they’re all mine. A package deal.
“Yes. I’ll give the four of you a chance.”