11. Lyra
There is such a maelstrom of emotions going on in me right now, that it”s all I can do to silently take Taran”s hand and let him lead me out onto the dance floor. I don”t know whether to believe his lovely words, but if he’s lying he is one hell of an actor. I think he might be the first man that has made me feel like who I am is enough, and ok. I”m not the defiant daughter or annoying sister that needs to constantly keep myself in check with my dad and brothers. I”m not the awkward, anxious woman who doesn”t really know how to date. I”m certainly not the difficult failure of a wife that I was for 6 years. Taran makes it seem like it”s easy to truly like the full picture of me, in spite of and because of my many imperfections, and that has been a rarity in my life.
The cumbia music is pumping as we get to the dance floor. There is no hesitating this time, no feeling each other out. Taran brings me in close, my right hand threading with his left while his other hand splays low on my back. The music overtakes us as our hips rock in perfect rhythm, while our feet move seamlessly. Many, many fantasies are racing through my mind right now about how else our bodies could move so well together, and it takes a lot to stay grounded in the present. I”m completely swept up in his warmth, his wonderful smell, and the feel of being in his arms. His hand flexes on my back, and he brings me just a little closer, as if he can hear my thoughts.
“I haven”t told you yet how gorgeous you look tonight, Firecracker,” he rasps in my ear.
“You look pretty fantastic yourself, Taran.” That’s an understatement. He’s drool worthy in those dark jeans and soft button down that gives me a peek of his tattoo again.
I feel him smile against my ear, and then he leans down to bury his face in my neck as we move into a slower song. His whole arm bands around my waist now even more tightly, and he lets out a hum of contentment. We sway like that for what feels like both an eternity and a millisecond before the pace picks back up. This one is even more energetic, and to my utter delight I”m able to keep up with Taran even though he is clearly more talented at this than me. We”re both a little breathless, and he has just the slightest sheen on his face from both the heat and the exercise. He is looking at me with so much intensity that the entire rest of the bar seems to fall away. His arms tighten around me until we’re pressed together everywhere.
“Lyra, you have no idea what you do to me. Look at you with your cheeks all flushed and your curls all wild. Please tell me that you”re willing to give this a shot when you”re ready. Maybe it won”t work out, but maybe it will. If it somehow doesn”t it won”t be because we want different things out of life. I think we”ve laid it all out clearly. We seem to understand each other really well.”
My heart is absolutely thrashing in my ribcage right now. I”ve never felt this wanted in my life. There”s still a part of me that is completely certain this man will lie to me to get into my pants, cheat on me, or leave me. It”s what several men in my family have done, and it”s what Derek did to me. I can”t ignore how Taran has been with me, though. He didn”t run away when I talked about my disorder. We have very similar outlooks and goals in life that we”ve talked through already. His sincerity seems so genuine that I want to believe him.
“I want to give this a shot when my divorce comes through,” I tell him quietly, and he lets out a huge sigh of happiness. I pull back a little to look at him square in the eye to finish my thought.
“You have to understand that my trust is completely shot considering what happened with my ex, Taran. Please be patient with me as we build it, because it could frankly take a while. For the love of everything good, please always be honest with me and tell me what”s on your mind. I can handle anything but lying and cheating. Everything else can be talked through. I promise I”ll do the same.”
He just pulls me in closer again and whispers to me, his breath ghosting across my ear and making me shudder.
“I will never lie to you, Lyra. I”ll never cheat. I promise I”ll earn your trust and keep it for as long as you”ll let me.”
I bury my face in his chest. “I’m holding you to that.”
He places my right hand on his shoulder, then tilts my chin up to place the sweetest kiss on the corner of my mouth.
“I really want to kiss you properly right now, Firecracker. The first time that happens though, you”re going to be an officially single woman with nothing hanging over your head.”
I pop up onto my toes and kiss his cheek as I wind my arms around his neck.
“We do this right, and we take our time, if that”s ok. I”m in no hurry.”
“Of course it”s ok with me,” he says.
Maybe it”s the drink, maybe it”s because he”s got me a little hot and bothered after a dry spell, maybe it”s just this easy connection between us, but I can”t resist teasing him to get him a little worked up. He makes me feel confident enough to be a bit bolder than I normally am. I lean up to whisper in his ear, my fingers raking through the soft, dark tendrils curling at the nape of his neck.
“I promise I”ll make it very worth the wait, Taran.”
I feel a tremor go through him, and when I pull back to look at him, his warm, toffee eyes are molten. He rests his forehead against mine and just stares at me for a beat before he parrots me.
“I’m holding you to that, Firecracker,” he breathes, the promise in his voice making my toes curl.
Then he presses a kiss to my forehead before he gathers me up as close as we can get. His face is buried in my neck again, and he has completely enveloped me as we keep moving to the music. It”s our own music now, in our own private little world. I”m searching myself for guilt that I”m already moving on after a 9 year relationship. There’s also worry creeping in about whether I am using this as a rebound to assuage the pride that Derek wounded, because there is no getting around it. I can be a prideful, spiteful creature when I”m hurt, and it would be so easy to fully lean into this incredible ego boost Taran has given me without thinking through whether I”m doing it for the right reasons. It hits me how selfish I’ve been, because I’ve been very wrapped up in my head about Taran possibly hurting me. My difficult ass is certainly just as capable, if not more so, of hurting him. As I”m in his arms though, where he”s gently swaying me while softly humming in my ear, everything about this seems for the right reasons.
“Hey there, where”d you go? Need a water break?” Taran asks, his quiet questions bringing me back from my musings.
“Sorry, just got lost in my thoughts and loving how nice this has been. Water would be great,” I tell him honestly. We make our way back to the bar to get waters since the high tops are all full now. We”re standing shoulder to shoulder.
“So what were you lost in thought about? You ok?” he asks
“You”re going to need to get used to me being lost in my head sometimes. It”s a very regular occurrence,” I tell him with raised eyebrows, daring him to get impatient with me or call me out about it the way Derek did.
“Fine with me, as long as any thoughts about me are good ones,” he winks. I roll my eyes, but I appreciate him being playful about it. “When you”re ready, I hope you”ll let me in on what”s going on in your head.”
I smile wryly, and make the decision to start things off on a candid footing, as much as it makes me feel way too vulnerable. “There’s nothing bad about you going on in my head, just thinking things through. I”m glad we”re going to take it slow. I want to make sure what”s going on with us is for all of the right reasons, you know? No rebounds, or shallow ego boosts on my end.”
“Aw, you consider me liking you an ego boost? I”m so flattered, Firecracker,” he teases with one of his insanely dazzling smiles. I swat at him, but I know what he”s doing. He”s using my trick of deflecting some of the heaviness of the conversation with teasing while still allowing me to speak truth.
“Once again, I”ve slipped up by saying something that”s going to go to your head, haven”t I?”
“Abso-freakin-lutely, and there is no taking it back now,” he says as he bumps my shoulder.
We sip our waters for a bit and watch the people before he talks again.
“The fact that you”re worried about doing this for the right reasons makes me know that we are, Lyra. I”m glad you shared what you were thinking,” he says, running his hand down my back before resting it around my waist. I bump his shoulder in acknowledgement.
“Ok, can I ask you something?”
“Of course, fire away.”
“How have you never been in a serious relationship before? I”m purely curious, it”s not judgmental. You”re just really good at it already, and we”re not even officially in a relationship at this point.”
He chuckles, but it”s not his usual, lighthearted one. “My mom and dad were a good model to go on, I guess. They were so crazy about each other, always touching and playfully bickering and doing things together. He bought her flowers all of the time, she”d slip notes into his pocket before he left for work. Young me thought it was sickening, because obviously girls had cooties,” he jokes. “As for your question, nothing ever felt entirely right. It was all on me being afraid I think, to have someone and then lose them like my mom. Watching her grieve when I was 18 was harder than my own grief to some extent. I”ve had crushes, and casual dates, and hookups. They were wonderful women, I made sure I never treated them with anything but respect when it came to expectations. I just didn”t look at them the way my dad looked at my mom, and I”ve never wanted anything less,” he finishes with a helpless shrug. I swallow hard.
“And me?” I can”t even finish the question, but he knows what I am asking. He crowds me a little, making sure we”re looking right into each other”s eyes.
“I look at you the way my dad looked at my mom, Lyra.”
“How do you know that?” I ask, much more shakily than I”d like, because everything else in my entire body has gone completely haywire at his words and intensity.
“Because Carlo made sure he told me so, often, after the first night we were here,” he says simply with a wink.
“He”s as bad as Gina, huh?” I say with a strained laugh, still trying to gather myself after his admission.
“You have no idea. He is very heavily invested. He was just asking about you earlier today,” he replies.
“I was wondering why my ears were burning,” I say dryly, getting a laugh out of him. “Back to what you said before...you”re not afraid anymore? Of finding someone and losing them? What changed?”
He grips my waist a little tighter. “Of course I”m afraid. I bet you still are too. I just refuse to let it keep me from going for it anymore. My mom said a few things that helped get my head right recently.” Then he pinches my side playfully.
“Plus, there is this pretty awesome woman that I’m really into, she seems like she”s worth the risk.” My heart goes haywire yet again.
“She sounds great, you should definitely give her a shot,” I say solemnly, nodding as I say it for emphasis while I pinch his arm back. His low laugh echoes right through me as he brings me into a bear hug, planting a kiss on my head. Oh, I could really get used to these all encompassing hugs. This amount of PDA is not something I”ve experienced before, and it”s both jarring and amazing. I have a sense of humor, but I”ve never been a super playful or affectionate person. My family was not the touchy feely kind of family, and that translated into any dating I did too. In fact, I”m really particular about being touched after being poked and prodded by doctors for so long, and the fact that my dad and brother have raised hands to me. That doesn”t seem to apply to Taran, though, as if my body inherently knows that he”s safe. I’ve always given Gina a hard time because Wayne cannot keep his hands off of her. I couldn”t understand why she liked it. Now she”s going to be all smug when I tell her about this. Fantastic.
For the next hour we talk about lighter topics like work, with him even showing me a couple of pictures of dogs he got to love up on his route today. We go back out and dance some more, enjoying one last set from the band. It”s clear the night is winding down. We”re both done drinking and eating, the band is going to stop playing soon, and it”s getting a little late. What’s even more clear is that neither of us want the night to end. It”s been a fantastic time, and I”m wracking my brain on how to prolong it without giving him the wrong idea by inviting him back to my place. I want that very badly, and soon, but I”m not ready for it to happen yet. Having him in my apartment late at night would be way too tempting. Taran saves me from much more internal sweating about what to do next, thank goodness.
“Want to go for a walk? There”s a nice main street a couple of blocks over we can check out before I walk you to your car.”
“Sounds great, I”m still getting to know this area. I didn”t move far so that I could still be near Gina and her family, but I never came over this way much before.”
So we settle up and get ready to head out. We make sure to say goodbye to Gage first, and I thank him for looking out for me. It”s a little cold, but that wonderful kind of brisk that invigorates you. The sky is clear with the stars twinkling brightly above, and that incredible smell of wood smoke is in the air. Taran slings his arm around my shoulders as we get to the main street he talked about. It”s already decked out for Halloween with orange and black fairy lights lining it, pumpkins everywhere, and displays in all of the windows. We pass an adorable cafe, a shop full of handmaid glassware and pottery, a jewelry shop, a clothing boutique, and a shop specializing in bath salts, bath bombs, and soaps. Since it”s almost 10 a lot of them are closed, but I will absolutely be coming back here to shop properly.
“This is amazing, I love all of these mom and pop shops,” I tell him excitedly.
“The cafe has the best pastries, sometime I”ll take you there for breakfast,” he tells me, pulling me closer into his side and nuzzling my hair.
“I’d love that,” I reply earnestly, leaning further into his warmth and relishing the idea of going to breakfast with him here without even thinking.
He turns me toward him and lightly cups my cheek. Then he presses another sweet kiss to the corner of my mouth. We both exhale huge breaths, the want and tension between us pulling almost too taut to bear.
“Come on, I”ll walk you to your car before I do something stupid, like press you against that brick wall and kiss you senseless.”
On the walk back to my car, our hands intertwined, I have to ignore the way he pretty much ruined my panties with that statement. We promise to text that we got home ok and chat soon. As soon as I walk in the door I pull up the group chat I have with my sister and Gina.
I am in so much fucking trouble with this man
GINA
Oh sweetie, I know and I love it. Now tell us everything about tonight
JEANIE
Seconded. Full details. Now.
So.freaking.bossy. Both of you (and aggressive with those periods, Jeanie)
JEANIE
Your stubborn ass needs equally strong, bossy women. Now out with the details.
Still being aggressive with those periods
GINA
She”s aggressive because she can”t be there in person, cut her some slack and start talking
Babes you”re supposed to be on my side in all things!