25. Taran
Imay be working, but my mind is miles away. Specifically, it”s on the woman who lives just a few miles from where I”m driving right now. It should not be a big deal. Lyra needed space after a hard day, and that”s fine. That”s normal. We”ll catch up in person tonight. This morning we exchanged good morning texts to check in, like we usually do on the mornings we don”t wake up together. I can”t shake the feeling that something is wrong, though. Even through text, I know her enough by now to know that the way she responded last night and this morning wasn”t her usual self. There were no jokes being thrown around, no endearments. It felt like the Lyra I first met with her walls up, and it scares me. I wish we could have talked last night, because whatever is going on to make her distant is killing me. Nothing I can do about it at the moment until I go over after work to talk to her later. So I need to focus. I”m in a pretty neighborhood I like in the morning, where there are a bunch of dogs I get to greet while I make deliveries. My treat jar is on the verge of needing replenishing. The day is going pretty smoothly, and I try to relax while I listen to my dad”s playlist. On my lunch break, I turn up the cumbia song that comes on, and dance around the back of my truck like a fool while I tidy up the stacks of packages to shake off the uneasiness I”m feeling. It helps a little, and I feel better going into the afternoon.
At the end of my day, I text Lyra that I”m all done and just need to drop my truck at the hub. She says to come over whenever I”m ready and not much else. I don”t even bother to head to my apartment first after I drop my truck. I don”t even think of my apartment as home anymore, because the house I”m about to go to has started to feel like such a home to me. I”ve only been staying over regularly for about two weeks, but the memories we”ve made there are already so priceless. The way she and Brody greet me so warmly when I get there after work has become my favorite part of my day. We cook and clean up together, take Brody for walks all pink faced from the cold, shower together, make all the love we want, burrow under the covers in the morning all tangled up until we force ourselves to get out of bed. It”s the domestic bliss fantasy I had come to life with the most incredible woman I”ve ever met, and I have the worst twisting in my gut that something happened at her appointment yesterday to ruin it.
When I get to her door, she opens it with a smile, but it”s not the full one I”ve come to love. It”s forced and doesn”t reach her eyes. Her eyes don”t look as bright either, and they”re tired, like she had trouble sleeping. I had the same problem last night, sleeping next to her is infinitely better. Whatever is going on, I already hate it just based on the fact that it”s clearly making her miserable. My heart plummets, going nicely with the twisting in my stomach.
“Hey, handsome,” she says quietly, getting on her toes to give me a quick, chaste kiss. ”Come on in.”
“Hi, beautiful. Is everything ok?”
She takes a deep breath and shakes her head, and my heart plummets further. ”Let”s talk,” she says, with a sad look in her eyes.
I take my own deep breath. That never precedes anything good. Why do I feel like I”m about to attend my own execution? Brody comes bounding up to see me, and I pull my usual treat for him out of my pocket. He takes off to go lie down in his bed to enjoy it.
“I’ve got to be honest, you”re freaking me out a little. What”s wrong, Firecracker? What happened at the appointment?”
We sit at the kitchen table, and she grasps my hand while I watch her, clearly collecting her thoughts and carefully choosing her words.
“The surgery is going to be much, much more involved than I originally thought. I”ve had palate expansions several times, and they took maybe a couple of hours. I was home and feeling ok enough to function the same day, and pain free within a few of days. I thought it would be like that, because I”m an idiot who has no concept of how bad my jaw currently is.”
“You”re not an idiot, stop that. So what will the surgery look like? How involved is it?”
She shudders involuntarily, and takes her hand away to push her curls behind her ear in a nervous gesture. I miss the contact immediately and have to restrain myself from snatching it back. Then she gets up from the table and starts pacing, so I get up with her and lean on the counter, itching to touch her. I”m so on edge waiting for her to answer me I”m practically vibrating.
“Dr. Oren basically has to take my entire jaw apart and put it back together with screws and titanium reinforcement. It will take him roughly 11 hours to complete and I”ll be at White Plains hospital for a week afterward.”
Now I”m the one trying valiantly not to shudder. The idea of my Firecracker having to go through an 11 hour surgery is making my chest constrict. I try to be as reassuring as I can, but I know words can only do so much. It”ll be nerve wracking until she is safely through the surgery. Images of my dad in his hospital bed, barely able to move, flash across my mind. Then they’re replaced with a motionless Lyra in a hospital bed, and the shudder is begging to happen. I keep myself together though, and try to move past it.
“You are the toughest, bravest woman I know, Lyra. It”s a lot, but I know you”ll be ok. We”ll get through this.” She sniffles, like she”s holding back tears, looking down at her wringing hands. I cup her face to gently lift it up so that she”s looking at me, because I need a better read on her. My chest goes from constricted to caving in at how pained her face is.
“Taran, I won”t even be able to speak clearly for three months. I”ll be eating through a straw for that long because my jaw is going to be wired shut. I won”t be able to eat normally for another three months after that, only mush like a teething baby. I”m going to be a mess and there is no way you want to see me like that, let alone have a girlfriend you can”t even take on a real date for months.” Her voice is throttled. My heart is ripping right down the middle that she thinks I wouldn”t stick around through this.
“Do you really think any of that would scare me away? Lyra, I”m about to start training to be a nursing assistant in a month. I”ll be helping out people I don”t even know with their most basic daily needs. Why wouldn”t I want to be here for you?”
“Because it”s too much to ask of you!” It comes out loud and forceful, battering me in my chest with how anguished it sounds. “You have your full time job, your classes start in a month, and you”re already taking so much care of your mom. I am not going to be another burden on your plate. You don’t think I notice when you tense up anytime I mention this surgery? I fail to see how this is going to work! You can easily find a girlfriend you won”t have to tend to like an invalid for months.”
The tears are forming in her eyes, but it”s frustration that is bubbling up in me, followed by fear. My jaw clenches to keep that frustration from pouring out without thinking. Her walls and self preservation instincts are kicking in and I hate it. She”d rather push me away than risk me not wanting to stick around through an extremely hard time in her life. This woman is so used to people failing her that she tries her very best to make sure no one else gets the chance.
“Don”t do that, Lyra. I tense up because the thought of something happening to you makes me want to fall to my knees. Not because you would be a burden. If you genuinely want to break up with me for some reason, if I”ve done something, obviously I”m not going to overstay my welcome. Don”t you dare do it out of some misplaced notion that you”d be doing me a favor, or helping me, because breaking up is the absolute last thing I want.” Her eyes narrow at that, and her chin lifts.
“What if it”s what I want? What if I don”t want an audience for how much of a swollen, numb, drooling mess I”m going to be for months? When I”m not well, Taran, I”m like an animal who just wants to curl up in a corner to be left alone. What if I want to be left alone?”
“Whenever you need some space to be alone, I will happily give you some space. That is not an issue, and you know it. Ending this thing between us for no reason, because you think I”ll be better off? You don”t get to play the martyr with my heart. You also don”t get to push me away before I”ve had a chance to fail you like so many others. I will never fucking fail you, my Firecracker. I”m standing here telling you I want to be here for you. It would actually pretty much destroy me to not be here for you.” My breaths are coming out shallow as I try to get her to see what she means to me. It feels like my lungs are barely working under the weight of her wanting to end things.
“Why, Taran? I”m tired of being a burden to people. If my parents hadn”t been so focused on me and getting me well, maybe they could have saved their marriage. Maybe my dad wouldn”t have strayed or become so angry. Maybe they would have been able to focus more on my little brother to make sure he was ok, rather than constantly fussing over me.” She flaps a dismissive hand, like these aren”t even valid feelings, before scrubbing that hand down her face. Then she focuses on me again, her eyes a little bloodshot, the usually bright flecks dim. “This is all stuff I”ve worked on with my therapist, but it will always be in the back of my mind. I”m not doing it again. I don”t want you to put living your life to the fullest on hold for me after you told me you”ve already put so much on hold for the past 10 years. You have enough on your plate, and you do enough for other people. We”ve only been officially dating for a few weeks, and have only known each other for a couple of months, you should not have to deal with me being barely functional for half of this coming year. How can I expect you to stay?” She”s trying to not cry and keep her face cold, but I see the shine in her eyes and the way everything in her face is tight with pain.
“Because I love you, Lyra!” I almost roar it, both from frustration and how fervently I mean it. She goes stock still for a second before her face completely crumples, and she buries it in her hands while her shoulders shake. I gently move her hands and lift her chin up to meet my eyes before I press on.
“I love you to pieces. I”ll say it a million times until it gets through to you. Pretty sure I”ve loved you from the moment you rolled your eyes and opened your mouth to sass me the first time we met. You”ve been in every thought since then. You are NOT a burden. Getting to know you and being with you is the happiest I”ve ever been. That means ALL of you, even when things are tough and you”re going through something. We just got started, and I am not abandoning this incredible thing we have at the first sign of trouble. I will be there all week at the hospital with you.”
She sniffles as I keep her eyes on me, and my thumbs brush the tears from her cheeks. Then I bring her closer because I need to hug the hell out of this beautiful, stubborn, amazing woman. Her body slumps, the fight leaving her as she leans into me.
“I will be there to figure out how to make pureed pasta and sauce taste good so that you don”t have to go without Italian food for six months. We can learn as much sign language as we can for you to say important things quickly, since you won”t be able to really move your mouth to talk easily. Anything we don”t know, I”ll make sure you always have your phone on hand to text or type notes. I will be there every step of the way, my pretty Firecracker. You will have to try much, much harder than that to get rid of me,” I whisper in her ear. She hugs me back, burrowing into my chest with a choked sob. Then she pulls away enough to look up at me through wet lashes, and takes a steadying breath.
“I love you, too, Taran. So fucking much.” Her voice is clear and unwavering through her tears as she says it, and my heart that was cracking slowly starts stitching itself back together. She cups my face and runs her thumbs along my cheekbones, and I lean into the touch.
“You”re endlessly kind and funny. In spite of the tough times you”ve gone through, you”ve never become pessimistic or jaded, which is some of the biggest strength I”ve ever seen. You somehow always know the right things to say to me, and put me at ease. Being at ease is not my default by any means, and yet you do that. You”re so genuinely good that I keep wondering how you”re real. The way you make me feel wholly cherished is something I have never experienced before in my life. It scares the hell out of me, because after everything that”s happened, I wasn”t even sure I was built for this. I”m sorry. I”m so sorry I tried to push you away the first moment a challenge hit us. What”s the old saying? If you love someone, set them free? I thought it would be the right thing to do, because you deserve the world, not my mess.” The words come out in such a passionate rush that I”m struck dumb at first. Her mesmerizing face is so earnest, vulnerable, and achingly beautiful that I feel my heart beat more strongly just for her. Hearing those three little words out of her mouth soothes me to my very soul. So I press a kiss to her forehead and hold her closer.
“Your mess is my mess, sweetheart. You”ve supported me with my mom, and with going back to school, so I”d say my mess is yours, too. The important thing is to keep talking it out. We”re both going to have a lot on our plates, we”ll see each other through it all. I know it feels like forever, but you”ll be back to feeling like yourself, and with a freaking cool bionic jaw to boot, in six months. You”ll kick this surgery”s ass. I”m all in with you, you hear me? You will never, ever have to feel alone.”
She nods into my chest as she sighs, and I start to breathe more easily. I breathe in her rose scent, twist her curls around my fingers, and she winds her arm around my neck to play with my hair at the nape. Our breathing is shared, lips inches apart, while we just look at each other and let the words we put out into the air settle inside our very bones. Her eyes are back to being those brilliant galaxies again, cheeks pink, and full lips so kissable there”s no way I can go a second longer. She meets me halfway, and this kiss is everything. It”s affirming, sweet, loving, longing, as we angle our heads to deepen it. She arches into me so that there isn”t a centimeter of space between us. We”re both pouring everything we have in our hearts into it, sealing the declarations we just made. Talking through our first big hurdle like this is the foundation for something real and lasting, like my dad and mom had.