Chapter 30
We’ve been at the bar for a little over an hour and I’m ready to call an Uber. Call me a schmuck all you want, but popping champagne with a bunch of puck bunnies is not how I want to spend the rest of my night.
Connor looks just as bored as I do at the other end of the VIP section with his face in his phone.
I weave my way through the crowd and lean against the wall next to him.
He doesn’t even notice me, his eyes locked on his phone where a striking woman fills the screen.
She has black hair with green eyes—a combination I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.
She’s so captivating, I can’t blame the guy for staring.
It takes me a second to even realize she’s not alone in the photo.
She’s leaning her head against some dude’s arm and he looks less than thrilled to be standing with her.
He looks like a complete asshole. The complete opposite of the woman next to him.
“Who’s that?” I tilt my beer bottle toward his phone, and he immediately exits out of the social media app he was on.
“No one.”
Connor is a man of few words, but he doesn’t even look at me when he responds. Not wanting to push, especially after such a great win, I throw my beer back and finish what’s left.
I put my beer on the table next to me then grip Connor’s shoulder. “I’m taking off. You good?”
My eyes dart to the empty whiskey glasses on the table and then to the one he’s currently holding that’s half full. Connor doesn’t usually drink much during the season. Something about him definitely feels off tonight.
“I’m good.” He casually sips his whiskey, still avoiding eye contact.
My grip on his shoulder tightens, causing him to finally turn my way. He has a haunted look on his face I’ve never seen him wear before. Something in my gut is telling me not to leave my teammate and best friend behind tonight.
“You’re not good. We just won game seven, and round two of the playoffs starts in three days. You’re sitting here, half a bottle of whiskey deep, and the look on your face tells me you want to burn down the world.”
His eyes narrow at me but he doesn’t argue.
I nod my head toward the exit of the bar. “Let’s get out of here. We can share an Uber.”
Connor throws back the rest of his whiskey in one gulp then stands. He wobbles on his feet. I reach out to steady him but he pushes my hand away.
“I’m fine!” His voice is laced with anger; a tone he’s never used on me before.
I lift my hands like I’m surrendering. “Got it. You’re fine.”
We move through the bar to the exit. I nod at my teammates on my way out, but Connor keeps his head down the entire way. What the fuck is going on with him?
The ride to his apartment is silent. I don’t want to poke the bear, especially since he’s had so much to drink, but this isn’t Connor. We’re about a minute out from his apartment. If I’m gonna say something, I’m running out of time.
“I’m worried about you, man. What’s going on?”
“Leave it alone, Niko.”
The car slows as we approach the entrance of Connor’s apartment. He jumps out before the car has come to a complete stop, slamming the door behind him without another word.
Concern for my best friend consumes me the entire drive to my house. A thirty-minute ride feels like hours as I sit and ponder what the hell is going on with him. As we approach my house, I pull out my phone and shoot him a text.
I love you, brother.
The message shows as read instantly, but no response comes. It goes against all of my instincts as a captain, friend, and father to leave this alone. But I’m going to give him some space. For now.
Quietly, I make my way into the house. I texted Sadie as soon as I got into the locker room, letting her know we’d be celebrating in there and then heading to the bar. Her response was simple.
Sadie
I’ll tell Sophia you’ll see her in the morning. Be safe.
As much as I wanted to text her back and ask her to wait up so we could celebrate together, I remembered the boundaries we set in place and didn’t respond.
I’ve written off the possibility of falling in love and having a happy ending years ago.
After everything that happened, that still happens, with Sophia’s mother, I just figure it isn’t in the cards for me.
I have long ago accepted the fact that being both a father and a hockey player was my destiny.
As much as I may have dreamed of having a family and being a loving, devoted husband, I’ve come to terms with being alone.
It’s easier on every level. This way, neither Sophia nor I ever have to go through that type of loss ever again if something doesn’t work out.
It’s hard as hell, but I’ve adapted to the single parent lifestyle.
Then in walked Sadie.
She has turned my world completely upside down. She has infiltrated my every thought. I still dream of her on my lap, her lips pressed against mine. That moment changed everything. But that’s all I’ll ever get. One moment.
Normally, I’d get over myself and focus on hockey and Sophia.
But with Sadie, she’s everywhere. She’s in my kitchen, cooking breakfast every morning for me and Sophia.
She’s at the rink, leading my yoga and meditation sessions.
She’s in every room of the house, her lavender scent leaving traces of her everywhere she goes.
Hell, she’s even in my fucking dreams at night.
As much as I know I shouldn’t, I want the only woman I know I can’t have. My body is screaming for me to go to her. Although the rules have been set, it doesn’t do anything to lessen the pull I feel.
I ignore every instinct calling me to her and make my way to my bedroom. After I’ve changed out of my game day suit, I tiptoe back down the hallway to check on Sophia.
Slowly, I open the door. I take one step into the room and freeze.
Sophia and Sadie are sound asleep together in Sophia’s bed.
Sadie’s arm is wrapped protectively around my daughter as she rests her head in the crook of Sadie’s arm.
Sophia is clutching her purple goat and her arm is spread over Sadie’s abdomen.
I’ve fallen asleep with Sophia like that hundreds of times before. But seeing them like this. At peace. Together. It is shaking every piece of resolve I have left.
I continue my movements until I’m standing next to the bed. Their chests rise and fall as they sleep peacefully. I’m sure Sadie would prefer sleeping in her own bed, but I can’t bring myself to disturb the two of them.
Carefully, I lean down and kiss Sophia’s head. I’m about to turn and leave but an invisible force is holding me in place. I look down at the woman who is changing my life and my daughter’s. Before I can second-guess myself, I lean down and kiss her on the head too.
“Sweet dreams, girls.”
And then I walk to my room and fall asleep. Alone.
Sophia was alone when I went to wake her up this morning. The bed next to her was still warm. For a split second, I debated running through the house to see if I could catch Sadie before she locked herself away in her apartment for the day.
Unfortunately, my better judgment won out and I have yet to see Sadie today.
Our coaches gave us the day off, probably knowing most of the guys drank too much last night, so it’s been me and Sophia all day.
It’s been a while since we’ve had some daddy-daughter time, and it feels good to spend some time with her alone.
Sophia decided she wasn’t going to nap today.
The glorious days with a midday break are becoming fewer and fewer the closer we get to her fifth birthday.
One more week until I have a five-year-old, and the thought has me holding her hand a little tighter right now as we ride out to our favorite spot on the property.
I park the four-wheeler under the giant purple lily magnolia tree that has started blooming already.
The pond just behind us is lined with a variety of trees, but this one is suddenly my favorite.
Nowadays, anything that even slightly resembles the purple streaks that run through Sadie’s hair has become my favorite.
No matter how hard I try, Sadie will not escape my mind.
Sophia hops off the four wheeler, removes her helmet, and heads right for the pond.
“Not too close, Sophia.” My overprotectiveness is always highest around water. I try not to take my eyes off her for more than a couple seconds whenever we’re here. Hazards of parenthood I suppose.
Grabbing the basket off the back of the ATV, I follow Sophia toward the pond. She spots a monarch butterfly and begins chasing it around the open field. I take this opportunity to set up our picnic while she’s away from the water.
I lay out the blanket first and then grab the large Tupperware container full of fruit. Once that’s all set up, I grab the pretzels, crackers, and cheese. The perfect charcuterie snack if I do say so myself.
“Baby girl! Come have a snack with me.”
Sophia ends her chase with the butterfly, waving goodbye to the insect as she runs over to me.
I haven’t been able to talk to Sadie about the toilet incident yet.
There was no time to ask her about it after the group session yesterday.
I’d love to get her side of the story before talking to Sophia, but I rarely have alone time with my daughter so I decide to ask and see if she gives me any details about what happened.
“Tell me about your day yesterday.”
Sophia’s eyes immediately drop to the blanket. As if she didn’t hear me, she grabs a strawberry and takes a giant bite, red juice dripping down her chin onto her white shirt as she chews.
“Rakas.” Her nickname comes out low and even, carrying enough weight to get her attention without raising my voice.
Her head snaps up, strawberry juice still plastered to her chin, and her eyes begin to fill with tears. I scoot closer to her and wrap my arm around her body, pulling her into me.
“What is it, Sophia?”
She pulls her head back but stays nestled in my shoulder. Her sad eyes find mine before she speaks.
“I accidentally flushed my car down the toilet. There was water everywhere! Miss Sadie wasn’t mad, but I still felt really bad, Daddy.
Then she started singing the song Mommy used to sing and I got so angry, I threw a book.
I said some mean things to her.” Sophia sniffles, and I hold her tight against me.
“She’s been gone all day. Do you think she’s mad at me, Daddy? Is she going to leave now too?”
There it is.
Everything always comes back to Claire, and I fucking hate it. I hate how much power she still holds over my daughter even though she’s never around.
Sophia buries her face into my chest and starts sobbing. I give her a moment to let out her feelings and to try to gather my thoughts. After a few seconds, I grip her chin and tilt her head so she’s forced to look at me. The devastation on my daughter’s face has me fighting back my own tears.
“Miss Sadie is not mad at you, sweetheart.”
She wipes at her face and attempts to calm herself.
Each breath she takes comes out in hiccupping gulps, her chest shuddering as her body tries to catch up with the fact that she’s done crying.
My hold on her tightens. I wish more than anything I could carry Sophia’s pain as my own.
Watching her heart break in real time is the worst fucking thing I’ve ever been through.
“How do you know, Daddy?”
I huff out a small laugh and push her blonde hair away from her face.
“Because she loves you very much. She knows you didn’t mean what you said.
And when I got home last night she was cuddling in bed with you, holding you super tight like this.
” I squeeze her tiny body into me extra hard, causing her to giggle.
“Let go, Daddy!”
My hold on her loosens but I don’t let go.
“Miss Sadie is not your mom, Sophia.”
I have to be very careful about what I say next.
Talking about Claire is never easy. I have to toe a very fine line.
She is Sophia’s mother and I’d never say anything bad about her, but I also don’t want Sophia to live with this fear her entire life.
She needs to understand that people leaving is not her normal.
“I wish I could tell you that she’ll stay forever. I don’t know how long she’ll stay but what I do know is that she is here now, and she’s going to stay with us until my hockey season is done.”
Sophia scoots back and tilts her head. Her mouth is pressed into a little line; the kind she makes whenever she’s trying to figure something out.
“She’s going to leave when hockey is over?”
The question knocks the air out of me. Is Sadie going to leave? I should want the distance, shouldn’t I? That would be the smart thing. The safe thing. But, god. I don’t want her to leave. Not after everything she’s done for Sophia. Not after everything she’s come to mean to me.
I can’t let Sophia think that the people she loves just come and go.
She’s already lost enough. She deserves stability, not another goodbye.
And if I’m being honest, part of me is just as terrified.
The thought of our house without Sadie’s presence feels wrong, like pulling the sun out of the sky.
I can’t let that happen. Not for Sophia. Not for me.
One way or another, I have to find a way to make her stay.