Chapter 36
I watch Sadie’s retreating back, my heart aching with each step she takes. My mind is screaming at me to do something.
Follow her, you idiot.
Just as I’m about to chase after her, my phone starts buzzing in my hand again. Fucking Claire. How is she always ruining things for me and not even here to do so? Better yet, why am I still standing here letting her ruin this for me?
The door slams, and I watch through the glass panes as Sadie sprints through my house toward the garage.
“Fuck!”
My phone finally stops buzzing but starts again before the screen even dims. What the hell could be so urgent that Claire is calling me five times in a row?
Concerned that something might actually be seriously wrong with my daughter’s mother, I finally answer the call before it can go to voicemail again.
“Claire. Is everything okay?” My words are laced in frustration and her sarcastic response makes me grind my teeth together.
“Wow. You really sound concerned.”
I run my hand through my already disheveled hair, flashes of Sadie running her fingers through them causes my anger to build even more.
“What do you want, Claire? We’ve barely heard from you in months. Why are you calling me five times in a row this late at night?”
The noise on the other end of the phone is loud, people are screaming or cheering, I can’t quite tell. It’s so loud I need to pull my phone away from my ear.
I’m so fucking annoyed that she not only called me, but called incessantly, and isn’t even in a place where she can hold a conversation without being interrupted. I pinch the bridge of my nose, seconds away from hanging up and putting my phone on do not disturb.
“Claire!” My voice is loud and sharp.
Finally, she seems to step away from the crowd because it’s a little bit quieter and I’m able to actually hold the phone up to my ear.
“Geez! Chill, Niko. You’re always such a buzz kill.”
I breathe out a very loud, exasperated breath and don’t even bother responding to my ex-wife’s sorry attempt at an insult.
Why, yes, Claire, I am a buzz kill. God forbid one of us acts like a responsible adult.
I want more than anything to speak those words aloud, but nothing good would come from doing so.
It would only start a useless argument that would end up with her throwing more insults and me hanging up on her.
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like the worst idea after she totally just fucked things up with me and Sadie.
“I want to see Sophia for her birthday. It’s on the fifteenth, right?”
Fucking hell. She gave birth to her and yet this woman can’t even remember her own daughter’s birthday. I don’t know why this kind of shit still shocks me, but here we are.
“Her birthday is May eighteenth, Claire.”
Not even the slightest bit bothered that she was wrong, she continues. “Right. Whatever. We have a show that weekend and I was hoping to see my girl.”
The fact that she has the nerve to call her “my girl” has me seeing red. I take a moment to focus on my breathing. Once my ears are done ringing and I don’t feel the need to cuss her out, I finally respond.
“I’ll talk with Sophia to see if that’s what she wants to do.”
The year after Claire and I got divorced, I spent a lot of time with a therapist. I don’t see him anymore, but it took a lot of work to get to where I am today.
He, with the help of a family therapist I still see once a month with Sophia, told me that even though Sophia is young, her feelings and wishes should still be taken into consideration.
And considering Claire has zero parental rights, her visits are always under my discretion.
I can say no; I just haven’t found it in me to completely cut her off from Sophia.
Until recently, Sophia has always begged for her mom to come back.
It hits me now that the nightmares and begging both disappeared shortly after Sadie came into our life.
“She’s four, Niko. Why does she get to make that decision? I’m her mother. I deserve to see her.”
The fucking audacity of this woman. Now she wants to claim to be her mother? Where the fuck was she the last four years? Hell, where was she the first year of her life? It’s been almost four years since we split, and I can count on two hands how many times she’s come to visit Sophia.
“Funny. You only seem to claim her as your daughter when it’s convenient for you.”
I know I shouldn’t have stoked the fire, but I’ve had enough. Sadie’s words ring through my mind. You know how to take care of your daughter. So I’m going to do exactly that.
Claire doesn’t get to come in and out as she pleases anymore.
For the first time in five years, Sophia and I are finally coming to terms with the fact that she’s gone.
For good. The inconsistency is not only unbearable for my daughter, but it fucks with my head too.
I’m done being the good guy holding onto hope Claire will change.
I don’t know what took me so long to see it.
Except that’s a lie. Sadie is what made me see clearly for the first time.
She’s been a steady, positive influence on my daughter since the moment they met.
She’s exactly what I want for my daughter.
Fuck. She’s exactly what I want too. She’s funny.
She’s caring. She’s unique and quirky. She pushes me to be a better man and parent.
I love every single thing about her. I don’t care that it’s only been a couple months.
She’s brought color and light into our lives.
And I’m done questioning how I feel about her.
Claire is babbling about something in my ear but I’m not paying attention anymore. There’s only one thing on my mind.
“Sorry, Claire. I’m going to have to call you back.”
Her annoying voice protests loudly, but I end the call. As soon as I hang up, I slide my phone to Do Not Disturb and make sure my parents’ phone numbers are still listed so their calls will still come through.
I slide my phone into my pocket and jog into the house. I don’t bother shutting the door behind me. There’s no time.
I need to get to Sadie.
Bang. Bang. Bang.
My fist pounds against Sadie’s door again. After my first two attempts went unanswered, I double-checked the garage to make sure she didn’t leave, and sure enough, the Subaru was still parked inside.
I’m not sure why I’m knocking again, she clearly doesn’t want to be bothered. Or maybe she went for a walk? I should probably wait here. Just in case.
I take a seat on the steps that lead to her door.
Burying my head in my hands, I try to figure out what I’m going to say when she gets back.
If she even went anywhere. If she’ll even want to talk to me.
I can’t worry about the what ifs right now; I need to focus on fixing whatever is going on between us.
My heart, body, and soul know that Sadie can feel this too. Whatever this invisible force between us is, I know she recognizes it too. I don’t want to fight it anymore. I’m not going to let Claire or the fact that she’s my daughter’s nanny ruin that for us. I’m done being scared.
She’s so much more than a nanny. She’s my meditation partner. She’s Sophia’s best friend. She’s the one person I can open up to about anything. She’s the reason I smile every fucking day. I need her to know that she’s become so much more than a friend to me.
Please, God. Let her be open to hearing what I have to say.
As I’m trying to formulate a speech, a plan, anything to make her stay, the door behind me opens.
I lift my head and turn to see Sadie’s hair is wet, as if she just got out of the shower, and she’s dressed in a matching purple, silk pajama set. Her eyes are wide with shock when she spots me.
“Niko. What are you doing here?”
I stand before she can change her mind and slam the door in my face. I reach out and grab her hands with mine.
“Sadie, I’m so sorry I answered the phone. I never should’ve answered her call. I should’ve known it’s never important with Claire.”
She looks away from me to a spot on the wall. I grab her chin with my thumb and forefinger, forcing her to look at me again.
“You are so much more important to me.”
Her eyes fill with tears and before I can think better of it, I’m wrapping my arms around her and cradling her head to my chest. “Oh, baby. I am so sorry. Please don’t cry.”
Sadie lifts her head and takes a step back. She wipes her face with the back of her hand then gives me a smirk. “Did you just call me baby?”
My lips are on hers in an instant. I need her like I need air in this moment, but I refuse to come up for any as my tongue thrashes with hers.
After a minute, she pushes me away again and keeps her hands up in front of her. “Niko, wait. What are we even doing right now?”
I take a step closer, invading her space until her hands are pressed against my chest. I take her hand in mine and hold it to my heart.
“I don’t know, Sadie. All I know is that I can’t fight what I’m feeling for you anymore.
Do you feel how fast my heart is beating right now?
” I push her hand harder into my chest where she can feel the pounding underneath my ribs.
“That happens anytime we’re in the same room.
My body craves yours in a way I’ve never felt before.
When I’m not near you, it’s like a piece of me is missing. I want you. Every single part of you.”
She shakes her head but doesn’t try to escape my hold on her hand. “But what if this doesn’t work, Niko? What about Sophia?”
I lift her hand from my chest and kiss her palm.
“But what if it does work, Kulta?”