Chapter 37
Niko calls me “Kulta” for the third time tonight and it sends a rush of adrenaline through me. I’m dying to know what it means. And if the way he says it is any indication, I know it’s going to rock my world. My curiosity gets the best of me and I blurt out my question.
“What does that mean?”
He’s still holding my hand even after kissing my palm and holding it close to his heart. When he chuckles to himself I feel the rumble underneath my fingertips. They curl instinctively, as if I could grab the sound and hold onto it forever.
“Kulta literally means ‘gold’ in Finnish. It’s a nickname people use back home for someone they care about.”
If it were physically possible, I’d be in a puddle on the floor right now. My heart catches in my throat, and I have to take a moment to swallow down the emotion.
My words come out barely above a whisper. “That’s beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful.”
Niko’s eyes stay locked on mine, and not only can I feel his heart beat under my hand, but I’m pretty sure I can hear my own beating in sync with his.
Neither of us move. Niko, I assume, is waiting for permission to come in, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around what’s happening here.
We both decided this was a terrible idea.
Sophia is our priority, and the thought of this ending badly and affecting her scares the crap out of me.
So does the possibility of him realizing I’m not good enough for him.
For his family. But I can’t help but wonder if Niko is right. What if this does work?
When’s the last time I’ve felt completely comfortable in my own skin around a man?
Hunter and Lincoln don’t count because they’re basically like brothers to me.
In all my years, whenever I started to show my true colors, my exes would laugh at me or tear me down.
Are you some type of closet hippy? What’s with all these weird stones and crystals?
Do you really believe in all of this nonsense?
I was always the outcast. Always on the outside looking in.
I know Niko and I aren’t in a relationship, but never once has he ever questioned what I do or what I believe in.
No, Niko embraces it. He even goes as far as to ask questions and try things out himself.
He wears the necklace I made him every day and still uses lavender at night.
Sophia told me one night when I turned on her diffuser that her dad still uses his too.
Could Niko really be different?
Something deep within my soul stirs when I ask myself that question and it has me taking a step away from Niko. His eyes look worried as his hold on me drops, a look of defeat crossing his face.
I step to the side and smile at him. “Well, would you like to come in?”
Niko’s face breaks into a shit-eating grin, and before I can brace myself he’s hoisting me over his shoulder and carrying me into my apartment.
I’m kicking and squealing like a child as he hauls me into my living room. I pound on his back playfully and attempt to squirm free of his hold. It really is laughable how tiny I am compared to this man.
“Let me down, you big brute!”
Niko laughs at my weak attempt to escape. “Quit your squirming or I’ll keep you up there.” And then he slaps my ass.
As much as I want to gasp and chastise him for spanking me, I’m too confused by the ache between my legs to even react.
He sets me down gently on the couch and kisses me on the forehead. “As much as I’d love to take you to your bedroom and have my way with you, I think there’s a few things we should probably talk about.”
I want nothing more than to rip this man’s clothes off but he’s right.
I don’t want to wake up in the morning with regrets and with everything that’s happened tonight, I know I’d have some.
I have so many questions about what this means for us.
And although it’s none of my business, I am interested to know why his ex-wife called him nearly half a dozen times in a row.
My mind flicks to Sophia and I feel a sense of protectiveness over her.
I know Niko holds nothing for her in his heart outside of her being Sophia’s mom, but that doesn’t make me any less curious about what she wanted tonight.
Niko walks into the kitchen and starts opening drawers.
“What are you looking for?”
He opens the drawer where I keep my tea and hoists one up in triumph.
“Ah-ha! I know you’re a big tea drinker.
I was thinking I could make us some tea and we could talk about whatever it is that’s holding you back from giving us a try.
Because I’m gonna be honest, Sadie. I’m not giving up without a fight. ”
Niko doesn’t even wait for a response, which is good, because, as always, around this man, I’m finding that my words are failing me. I watch as he maneuvers around my kitchen with ease, filling up my purple tea kettle and setting it on the stove.
He makes his way back over to the living room and sits on the end of the couch, turning his body toward mine. He gestures to me in a come here motion with his hand, and I slide over and rest my head in the crook of his shoulder.
“Why don’t you tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” I feel his finger start twirling a strand of my hair. I’m completely at ease in his arms.
I tilt my head up to look at him and find him watching me patiently.
I adjust my body so I can give him my full attention, but don’t move away from him.
I don’t want to shy away from this conversation.
I want him to know I’m taking this as seriously as he is.
His arm drops and I feel his thumb start making slow circles on my back.
It’s a small gesture, but it grounds me.
“I don’t want this to blow up in our faces and I really don’t want Sophia to be caught in the crossfire.” Niko nods along as I talk, and I continue before I lose the nerve. “I’m also scared that after a while you might get sick of me.”
Niko rears back like I physically assaulted him. “Why would you ever think I’d get sick of you, Sadie?”
Embarrassed, I shrug my shoulders and play with the pendant on my necklace but I refuse to look away from him.
“All my past relationships ended because they thought I was ridiculous or they didn’t understand my lifestyle.
” A sad laugh escapes and I go on. “Heck, even my parents think I’m a disappointment. They gave up on me a long time ago.”
This time Niko scoots forward, invading my space in the best possible way. He presses his forehead against mine. After a beat, he pulls back and looks me straight in the eyes. With as much conviction as I’ve ever heard, he finally speaks.
“You are not the problem, Sadie. You think you’re not enough? You’re everything I’ve been waiting for. Those people who left you, they couldn’t carry something this big, this wonderful. I can. I want to. They were too small to see what I see. You’re exactly enough.”
The world around me fades away. It’s just me and Niko.
You’re exactly enough.
His words sink into the cracks I’ve carried for years, sealing them shut with not just hope, but certainty.
It’s like every scar I’ve carried, every time I’ve been told I’m wasting my time on a job instead of a career, or every time I’ve been told I’m not good enough…
all those things burn away. I want to cry and laugh and collapse into him all at once.
God, I’ve been searching for this my entire life. For someone who doesn’t just tolerate me, but chooses me. All of me. For the first time, I don’t want to run. I believe we can make this work.
Maybe that’s what love is. It isn’t about fitting into a one-size-fits-all box. It’s about finding the one person who holds a different-shaped box for you.
Is this love? I’m not sure. But I’m willing to stick around and find out.
I reach out and cup his face with my hands and kiss this man like the world is ending.
No. Not an ending. A beginning.
He kisses back with an intensity that matches mine and we lose ourselves in each other. The kiss deepens just as the tea kettle screams from the kitchen, the universe yet again interrupting our moment. The sound drags us apart when all I want to do is get lost in him.
I make a whining sound when Niko stands from the couch. He laughs and leans down to kiss my forehead. “There will be plenty of time for that later.”
“Yeah, yeah. At this rate, I think the world is working against us.”
Niko grabs a couple mugs hanging near my coffee maker and looks over his shoulder at me. “Us against the world, baby. I can live with that.”
I throw myself back against the couch and lean my head against the cushion. A goofy grin stretches across my face and I close my eyes and take a second to let this sink in. Niko and I are really doing this. This wonderful, selfless man is choosing me?
Time and time again, I’ve felt like Meredith Grey when she begged McDreamy to pick her.
Pick me. Choose Me. Love me. I’ve long since given up the hope that someone would willingly choose me, but Niko Koskinen came into my life and put every other man to shame.
He is the gold standard for the male species, and out of all the women in the world he chose me.
My mind is still trying to wrap itself around the fact that we’re giving this thing a real shot when I feel the couch move next to me. I open my eyes to find Niko holding two mugs of steaming tea with honey sticks sticking out of them.
I reach over and take a mug from him and inhale the sweet scent of the tea. “Mmm. You picked my favorite kind.”
Niko looks sheepish when he responds. “I’m not a big tea drinker but when it comes to you, I know lavender is never a bad choice. And I’m pretty sure chamomile is good to have at bedtime?”
He says the last part as a question and hearing this massive hockey star talk about chamomile tea is so damn cute.
“You’re right. Chamomile and lavender is the perfect late-night combination.”