Chapter 46
Niko’s words sink in and my chest feels like there’s a giant boulder sitting on top of it. It’s hard to breathe, and I swear I can feel my heart break into a million pieces.
He’s telling me to leave.
I came here with every intention of telling Niko how I feel.
How, when I’m with him, I never question myself or what I’m doing.
How seeing him in the morning is better than any cup of coffee.
How, when I’m in his arms, the world clicks into place.
But hearing him tell me to go, again, breaks something inside of me.
Why am I not good enough for him to ask me to stay?
My aura, usually calling out to Niko, quiets, and I’m wondering how I’ll ever recover from this.
Finally, I look up. Niko’s eyes are already on me and his face is stoic. How can he feel so sure about this when I’m crawling out of my skin even thinking about being away from him and Sophia?
I feel pathetic but I ask him again, just to be sure. “You think I should go?”
Niko doesn’t even hesitate. “I do. You were born to do something like this, Sadie. I can’t wait to hear all about it.”
Anger mixes with disappointment. He truly believes I should take this job and go to Denver. Everything that’s happened between us wasn’t enough for him to even ask me to stay.
I clear my throat, hoping he can’t hear the heartbreak in my voice when I finally say, “You’re right. I should follow my dreams.”
Niko sucks in a breath, but nods. I don’t want to hear him agree with me. I don’t want him to say another word. So, before he can, I’m speaking again.
“I spoke with the Bobcats GM and he’s not sure if there’s a full-time position for me next season. And Mark moved up the grand opening to next week. It’s sooner than I’d like, and I hate not giving you more notice, but I think I should be there when it opens.”
He seems shocked, his eyebrows rising, but he masks his emotion in an instant. “Of course.”
I stand abruptly, needing to get as far away from him as soon as possible. I turn toward the hallway to make my escape. Before I even make it a few feet, I turn back to Niko.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to tell Sophia. You can be there, of course, but I’d like to be the one to tell her.”
Niko hasn’t moved. His eyes are trained on the wall in front of him and he doesn’t look my way when he speaks. “Okay.”
His words are laced in hurt, which only confuses me more. He told me to go. Twice! Not once did he utter the words “I want you to stay.”
I turn on my heel and walk straight to the garage to my apartment.
Looks like I have a flight to book.
The past five days have been a whirlwind. I’ve been in touch with Mark daily, scheduling the grand opening with him via phone calls and video chats. Every time I hang up with him, it just feels wrong.
I should be more excited. I should be chomping at the bit to get to Denver to fulfill this lifelong dream I’ve had. But I’m not. The thought of flying out there, doing this alone, with no family or friends by my side has me contemplating if I should really be doing this.
Niko told me to go and in self-preservation, I believed him when he said it would be worth it. It has been my dream to run a yoga retreat, but here I am, five days later, unsure if it was the right decision.
Sophia took the news of me leaving just as I expected. The day after I asked Niko if I could tell her, the three of us went to the pond for a picnic so she could show me her favorite spot on the property. I can’t shake the way she reacted, and I replay the conversation in my head constantly.
“Sophia, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”
She looked up at me, oblivious to the heartbreak I was about to cause. “Yeah, Miss Sadie?”
My eyes started misting over before I even said the first word. “My old friend called me the other day and said he’s opening this amazing yoga studio in the mountains. He asked me if I wanted to come help him teach yoga and meditation to people who wanted to learn.”
“That sounds fun! Ooh, the mountains! Will you be doing goat yoga too? How long will you be gone? Can I come?”
Her innocence and curiosity made me laugh, but also had me blinking back tears as I delivered the bad news.
“I’m going to be moving back and living there, sweetheart. I won’t be coming back unless it’s for a visit.”
Sophia’s sobs echo in my head. I shake away the painful memory and try to focus on the task at hand. Packing. God, how I loathe packing. My flight leaves today, I booked the last flight out of Green Bay later tonight.
I’m packing up the gifts Niko gave me on my first day, my heart aching as I wrap them all up and shove them into a box. How can the same man who was so thoughtful buying me this lavender plant and sage, be the same person who told me to leave?
There’s a small knock on my apartment door, and I put the salt lamp Niko got me down on the floor next to the box.
I jog to my door and am surprised when I see Niko standing there with a small box in his hand.
“Can I come in?”
We haven’t spent much time together since I broke the news to Sophia. He’s been around but he’s given Sophia and I some space while we soaked up the last few days together. She’s still upset about me leaving, but I promised to video call with her a couple times a week.
I wish I could say Niko wanted to keep in touch with me, but he’s been quiet.
I want to shake him and force him to talk to me.
But that gnawing feeling of not being enough for him keeps eating away at me.
As much as I’ve enjoyed spending time with Sophia, I wanted to spend time with him too before I leave, no matter how hard it might’ve been.
I miss him already and I haven’t even left yet.
“Sure, I’m just finishing up packing.”
He walks in front of me, and I follow him into the small dining space where he sets the box on the round table.
When he turns around to face me, I can’t help but notice how terrible he looks.
The beard he was growing for playoffs is still on his face, much too overgrown at this point.
His hair is unkempt, his clothes wrinkled.
He looks distraught, like me leaving is impacting him, but his words and actions have said otherwise.
As frustrated as I am with him, seeing him like this hurts.
“I know I fucked this up. I should’ve been spending every waking minute with you before you left but I didn’t know what to do.”
His words take me by surprise. My jaw drops and I quickly close my mouth, trying to figure out what to say.
“I don’t know what to say, Niko.”
He takes a step toward me and grabs my hands with his. “I’m sorry, Sadie. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I should’ve told you that. I want you to go out to Denver and have the time of your life, but I don’t want you to go without knowing something first.”
My throat is tight so it’s barely a whisper when I get the word out. “What?”
Niko brings my hand up to his mouth, kissing my palm the way he once did, tender and soft. My eyes sting but I blink away the emotion.
“I told you before you’d always have a place here, and that will never change. Whatever happens next, I need you to know that.”
My words fail me, so I simply nod. He lets go of my hands and cups my face. Slowly, he leans down and kisses my forehead. “Go be great, Kulta. And don’t open that box until you get to the airport.”
And then he walks out of the apartment.
There’s a few things I need to grab at my office to take with me to Denver tonight.
I said goodbye to Sophia earlier before she left to spend the day with her grandparents.
Niko has to be at the rink today for exit interviews and to pack up his stuff for the summer.
Most guys on the team spend their summers elsewhere, having houses in their hometown or home country, so most of the Bobcats will be at the rink too.
I could’ve asked Niko for a ride with him to the arena, but it would’ve been too fucking hard to sit with him in his car and act like I’m okay.
Because I’m not. The dream job means nothing to me if I have no one to share it with.
Once Niko takes off for the rink, I sneak into his house.
Ellie’s words have been haunting me ever since I left her house.
“Tell him how you feel. Don’t get on a plane to Denver without at least doing that.
You’ll never forgive yourself if you do.
” There’s so much I wanted to say but didn’t get the chance to.
This may not be what Ellie meant, but I grab a pen and paper and write Niko a note.
Folding it in half, I leave it on the counter before heading to the arena.
My Uber drops me off at the rink entrance, and I take a moment to compose myself before walking in.
I didn’t want to drive the Subaru because no one would be able to drive it back to Niko’s, but I sure wish I had it right now.
I’d love to blast some Andra Day right now to get me through saying goodbye to my friends.
It’s not goodbye forever. It’s goodbye for now. I repeat the words over and over in my head, but I still don’t believe them.
Finally, I step into the rink.
Hunter is waiting for me in the lobby, a coffee from Goldcoast in hand. “I got your favorite.”
He hands me my coffee, and I loop my arm through his and lean into his shoulder. “I’m gonna miss this.”
“It’s great coffee.”
I stand straight and bump my hip against him. “Not the coffee, idiot. I’m gonna miss you bringing it to me.”
“I know.”
Hunter has been great since I told him about the job and leaving.
He’s extremely excited to head out to Denver this summer for a stay at the retreat.
He also demanded a video call every weekend to discuss books.
We’ve agreed to continue our book club even if we’re a thousand miles apart, and he refuses to let me take an Uber to the airport.
I’m not mad about spending any extra time with him.