Chapter 25 Dina
Dina
Eight days to the match
Maya has been running circles around my head.
I think about reaching out, but I’m not sure what I would even say to her.
Not when I almost kissed her the last time we were together.
I can’t help it – being around her feels like taking a time machine back to when we were together. When things were good.
It helps that Deen has saddled me with a whole list of things that need to be done before the restaurant relaunch.
Since we’re doing it on a budget, everything has to be done by the two of us, and any friends that we can rope into the endeavour.
In-between football training and matches that the team is still losing, and more catering gigs, I have been making Pinterest boards and trying to design a new restaurant menu. I don’t have time to think about Maya.
‘Have you slept in the past week?’ Thea asks when she peeks into my bedroom one afternoon.
I’ve only just come back from yet another match that the Divas lost and am poring over my computer, trying to figure out which printer will be able to print our new menus on a tight schedule and even tighter budget.
I turn to face Thea, rubbing at my eyes.
‘Yes, of course I’ve slept,’ I grumble, though, if I’m being honest, my sleep has not been great.
If I’m not worrying about the football match that’s creeping up faster and faster, then I’m worrying about the relaunch.
And in-between I’m wondering if I’ve thrown myself into all of this work just so I can avoid my feelings about Maya and doing something about that.
‘Recently?’ Thea asks, tilting her head to the side.
‘Yes,’ I scoff. ‘I just haven’t slept … great. But once Deen’s relaunch is done and the match is finished, things will be … easier. I just need to get through the next couple of weeks.’
‘Maybe you need a little bit of a break?’ Thea says.
‘I don’t know, I have a lot to do.’ Though a break does sound pretty nice. For the past few days, I feel like I’ve been drowning in everything: my thoughts, my feelings, my work. And maybe I need to come up for a little bit of air.
‘Aisha’s convinced me to take a break from my studies tonight and go out.
You should come with us,’ Thea says. She is very dedicated to becoming a solicitor, and when we aren’t watching football matches together, she’s pretty much always at her assistant job or holed up in her room studying.
Now, with her exams coming up in just a few weeks, it’s really crunch time for her.
‘Dina, you have to come with us.’ Aisha pops up from beside Thea in such a timely fashion that I know they must have planned this.
I look to my open laptop, and then back to Thea and Aisha.
‘I guess one night out can’t hurt.’
Aisha beams. ‘Yes, we’re going out!’
An hour, half a bottle of cheap Tesco wine and an outfit change later, Aisha, Thea and I find ourselves in a new club in Shoreditch Thea has heard about.
The three of us grab a corner booth, but it’s not long before the two of them are dragging me onto the dance floor.
I go along with it, because I can’t even remember the last time I went out.
‘You need to stop thinking about all the work you have to do,’ Thea says, shouting over the thumping music. It’s like she can read my mind.
‘Easier said than done,’ I shout back, but I know she’s right. There’s no point in being here if I can’t even take a few hours to relax. I might as well be at home, staring at my laptop with bloodshot eyes.
I take a break from the dancing, weaving through all the bodies on the dance floor to the bar.
Just the few minutes of dancing have made my breath come short and fast, and I’m sure there’s a sheen of sweat across my made-up face.
Still, as I try to catch the bartender’s eye, the actual eye I catch is of the woman on the other side of the bar.
She has dark brown skin, red hair that stops just past her shoulder and striking eyes that are taking me in. I feel myself flush under her gaze.
I look away at first, leaning against the bar, but after a moment, my eyes drift back to her. She hasn’t looked away from me.
I consider turning back to find Aisha and Thea, because I’m here with them after all, but I also know what they would say if they were here now.
They’d tell me to go up to her, they’d tell me that this is what I’m here for – to blow off steam and have fun – and flirting with a gorgeous woman at the bar who seems to be checking me out unapologetically definitely counts as blowing off steam and having fun.
Besides, I haven’t been with anyone since Anu and I broke up a few months ago.
So, instead of running back to my friends with my tail between my legs, I approach the woman at the bar. She positively beams at me when I’m close enough to be within earshot.
‘Hey,’ I say.
‘Hi.’ She smiles. ‘It’s impossible to get a drink here, isn’t it? I’ve been trying to get that guy’s attention for like ten minutes.’
‘If a beautiful girl like you can’t even get a drink, then the rest of us have no hope,’ I say. I’m trying to sound smooth, but my throat is so dry that my words come out raspy.
‘Cat got your tongue?’ she asks, with a smirk in my direction. I guess she heard me even if my words barely made it out.
A flush crawls up my skin. ‘Now you know why I need a drink.’
She lets out a chuckle, which makes me feel at least a little satisfied. I’ve managed to get a laugh out of her, even though I clearly have no game anymore.
‘It didn’t seem like you were interested in talking to me,’ she says.
I clear my throat, really wishing I’d been able to get a drink before trying to have this conversation. ‘Well, I’m over here, aren’t I?’
‘I’m Lora,’ she says.
‘Dina.’
‘Nice to meet you, Dina.’ She glances at the bartender for a moment before heaving a sigh. ‘Want to join me for a smoke outside?’
Getting imbued with smoke isn’t my idea of fun, but I’m not about to turn down Lora, especially not when I’ve already got this far.
‘Sure.’
She leads me away from the bar. I glance back, trying to find my friends, but it’s too dark and there are too many people. I’m sure it’ll be fine, though.
A few people are huddled in the smoking area.
There’s a chill in the air despite it being the summer.
Lora and I go to a corner, and she doesn’t take out a cigarette.
Instead, she leans dangerously close to me, staring at me with her dark brown eyes.
For a moment, I’m reminded of Maya, the way she looked at me wide-eyed when she ran into me at the fundraiser.
It had sent a jolt of lightning through me.
I’d thought that I would never feel anything like that for Maya again.
That we had moved past the point where she could make me feel anything at all.
That’s how things should work. When someone betrays you, breaks your heart, you should be able to put away your feelings.
Lock them up and be done with them forever.
‘Are you OK, Dina?’
I blink, and realise that it’s not Maya’s dark brown eyes staring at me.
It’s Lora, a woman I’ve just met. A woman who is looking at me very differently from how Maya used to.
She’s looking at me with a vacant kind of hunger, like I could be anyone in the world.
And that’s who I want to be for her – someone who is uncomplicated, someone who is disposable, at least for the night.
‘I’m fine,’ I say. ‘Sorry.’
‘Do you come to this club a lot?’ Lora asks.
I raise an eyebrow in her direction. ‘Seriously? You’re really asking me if I come here often?’
Lora laughs again. ‘I didn’t mean it as a line. I’ve never been here before. I like it, though.’
‘It’s my first time here. One of my friends heard about it, and … we all needed a night away from … life, I guess.’
Lora gives me a questioning look. ‘Life has been troubling lately?’
I shrug. The word troubling doesn’t exactly cover it. It’s been messy and complicated and confusing. ‘My ex moved back to town and it’s been … weird,’ I explain. It doesn’t feel like a good enough explanation, but it’s all I can give.
Lora smiles sympathetically. ‘You still have feelings for her?’
‘No.’ But the word comes out pathetic and hollow. We both know it. I sigh. ‘Maybe … I still have some feelings. I don’t know. It’s complicated, and I wish I was over her.’
‘I can help with that,’ Lora says. She inches closer to me.
For a moment, I think about stopping her. But then I’m leaning towards her too, trying to put Maya out of my head for good.
But I’m hyperaware of the fact that the two of us are surrounded by a crowd of people; the music thumping in the distance, the bitter smell of smoke all around us.
I should be feeling somersaults in my stomach, the quickening of my pulse, blood rushing to my cheeks.
Instead, I just feel a strange mix of hot and cold, and I can’t stop thinking about the fact that there’s sweat pooled over my upper lip.
Still, Lora clearly doesn’t care about any of that. Our lips meet and she kisses me as hungrily as she looked at me just a moment ago. She pulls me close to her, and I lean towards her. Her hands are on me in a second; her fingers running up my back, threading through my hair.
I feel every touch like it’s alien. I can’t lose myself in the kiss, in Lora. Instead, all I can think about is Maya. Maya, Maya, Maya, like she’s imprinted on my brain and no matter how hard I try, I can’t get rid of her.
I pull away from Lora, and she brushes away strands of her hair, still smiling at me. Whatever wrongness I felt in the kiss doesn’t seem to have bothered her.
‘You want to come back to my place?’ Lora says.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I shake my head. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t think so.’
Lora seems completely unfazed by my response. She shrugs and takes out a pack of cigarettes, lighting one and offering me another. I shake my head again.
‘I should go, my friends … they’ll be looking for me.’
‘OK,’ Lora says, raising an eyebrow in my direction.
I don’t wait for any goodbyes, I just turn around and head back inside the club. Back to the booth where Thea and Aisha are having a spirited debate about Love Island.
‘Where’d you go?’ Thea asks when she spots me.
‘Nowhere, but I have to get going,’ I say, grabbing my purse from the booth.
‘Where?’
‘I’m going home. I’m just … tired. I need sleep,’ I say.
‘Let us come with you,’ Aisha offers, giving me a worried look.
‘No, it’s fine. I’ll be fine,’ I reply.
Once I’m outside in the chilly night air, though, I wish I’d taken up Aisha’s offer. There are too many people on the street for this time of night, and I’m still a little too buzzed. My head feels woozy, and I’m cold.
Somehow, I manage to walk all the way back to our apartment.
It’s on muscle memory alone because for most of the walk, I’m still thinking about Maya.
Remembering the first time that we kissed, walking back to our hotel in Madrid.
Remembering the last time we kissed, the day before the match that changed everything.
I miss those days so potently that it hurts.
All this time, I thought that what I missed was football, the possibility of what I could have been.
But I’m realising that I’ve missed Maya more than those things. I’ve missed her most of all.
It’s only when I’m back in my apartment building and start rooting around for the keys in my purse that I remember I didn’t bring them out with me. I hadn’t been able to find them as we were leaving the flat, and Thea and Aisha had theirs, so I thought it wouldn’t matter.
‘Shit, shit, shit,’ I mumble. I could call Thea or Aisha, but I know that would ruin their night, and I’ve already put a dampener on it. I could call Deen, but he has enough stress on his plate. I’m pretty sure his sleep has been worse than mine the past couple of weeks.
I pull out my phone, trying to figure out my best option. And then I see Maya’s name on my contact list.
Before I know it, I’m hitting call, my heart beating a little too fast.
The phone rings. Once, twice, three times. I’m sure that it’s too late at night and Maya is asleep and won’t pick up. I’m almost feeling grateful for it, when I suddenly hear her voice.
‘Hello?’
‘Hi …’ I say.
‘Dina?’ She recognises me almost instantly.
‘Yeah. Um … I’m locked out of my apartment.’
There’s silence on the line for a minute. If I were her, I would have already hung up. Here I am calling her out of the blue to tell her that I’m locked out of my apartment when we’ve barely managed to have two civil conversations since she’s been back. I don’t know what’s wrong with me today.
‘I can come get you. Give me your address,’ Maya says finally.
‘You don’t have to do that.’
‘Yes, I do. Just send me your address,’ Maya says.
I rattle it off to her, and she firmly tells me to stay put before hanging up the phone. I go down to the ground floor, and my head feels a little less fuzzy. The cold night air and the phone call has sobered me up a little.
The more time that passes, the more it dawns on me what I’ve done.
‘Shit, shit, shit,’ I mumble again.