Day 18 of 21
Allie’s diary (via CloudLink Drive // The Lake Dock *new*)
The funding has been cancelled.
Bermuda is over.
I know a part of me was expecting it, but I can’t actually believe that’s it.
Was out with Andrew and Iris, and the email just landed, as a wood-fired Hawaiian pizza was slid under my nose and a Katy Perry song blared.
‘Unfortunately,’ it said, ‘funding is being redirected to projects that align with Terrarium’s current focus.
’ What does that even mean? What about my birds? My tern chicks? My cameras?
Andrew told me he had some ideas on how to raise the money, that he’d call me today, and Iris hugged me in the booth and assured me something better would come along.
I could hardly eat after that, although I pretended I was fine.
Squashed my pizza closer together so it looked like I’d eaten, because the whole thing erased my appetite.
I told Sian when I got home. She said she was sorry, but then told me I’d made too much noise coming home. ‘Guests,’ she said. ‘You seem to forget them.’
I hate this B wanted to sign up for an archaeological dig.
When she was twenty-one, she went to California with just a backpack.
Then she met Dad and became ‘we’. A ‘we’ that turned into chaos and lies and holding doors shut with her whole body as the other half to her ‘we’ banged to get in and cried secretly so her daughters wouldn’t see.
Then just mere years after gaining freedom as an I, she died.
All of it, the pain, and the hope for ‘someday’, whipped away as if by the wind.
That’s why I’m scared. Of dating. Of love. Men. Ripe fruit placed on palms. Dating men. Becoming a ‘we’.
And Milo?
No. I’m not scared of Milo.
I want to call him, actually. It’s all I want to do right now. See his face, linger over all those deep things he says without reluctance.
Is that weird? It’s weird, isn’t it?
But then, is it? We’ve spoken for hours over the last couple of weeks. Hours and hours and hours.
I miss him when we aren’t speaking.
Oh, Christ, how ridiculous. I’ve never even met this man.
I’m going to text him.
No, I won’t. No. I’m going to have a bath and not text him. It’s almost midnight for goodness’ sake.