25. Willa
Chapter twenty-five
Willa
I dressed with care this morning, wanting to look my absolute best. After talking to Jasper yesterday and managing to grab a few hours of sleep last night, I have a much better handle on my emotions today.
Okay, much better is a stretch. Slightly, infinitesimally better is more accurate.
An emergency therapy session via Zoom helped.
As did a Xanax.
Yesterday, I felt like I was playing a game where no one had explained the rules to me. Today, I understand the rules and have developed my own strategy.
I keep dwelling on Jasper's offer to make Nick jealous.
While I'm not petty and vindictive enough to do anything overt, I will rely on Jasper for support over the next few days.
If I want to chitchat, I'll talk to Jasper.
If I have a question, I'll ask Jasper. If I want to crack a joke, I'll laugh with Jasper.
If I need a little human touch, I'll lean on Jasper.
Conversely, when I see Nick, I'll act aloof. Distant. Standoffish, even.
He wants to pretend that we don't know each other. Fine. Two can play his game .
Jeez, I just told myself that I wasn't petty and vindictive, but here I am.
Like yesterday, our car pulls up to a guard station outside Windingham Palace, where our vehicle is checked and our personal identification is scanned.
The gates open, and our car rolls up the winding road through idyllic gardens, featuring waist-high hedge mazes, a slew of exotic flowers, vined archways, a couple of marble statues, and a huge stone fountain.
No wonder Nick appeared out of place at my parents' modest house. He grew up amidst abundant luxury and splendor.
The same man who greeted us yesterday greets us today.
Major Lionel escorts us through the palace to meet Princess Estelle in the grand salon.
Along the way, he acts as a tour guide, pointing out artifacts of Belgrovinia’s storied history that are on display.
King Archibald's portrait. The vase gifted to the royal family from the Japanese emperor in 1842.
The bust of Queen Adeline II by a famed Italian sculptor from the mid-1600s.
A gorgeous diamond and emerald tiara worn by Queen Carlotta.
As we walk from room to room, the design and decor changes.
The family's personal dining room is decorated in burgundy and gold.
It's a lavish space, with ornate wall tapestries, heavy embroidered brocade curtains, an antique walnut table that must seat forty, and enormous gold chandeliers with matching wall sconces, all dripping with sparkling crystals.
This level of extravagant grandeur is insane.
It feels more like a museum than a home.
Letting the rest of the group get ahead of me, I pause to study a portrait of the royal family.
I recognize Nick and his siblings, of course.
Though I haven't met his mother, Queen Beatrice, I looked her up last night out of curiosity.
Raven haired, she's strikingly beautiful.
Regal and elegant. King Christian passed away, but I also recognize Nick's father in the portrait after my research.
While King Alexander and Princess Estelle share their mother's darker features, Nick bears a striking resemblance to their late father.
When I exit the dining room to catch up with the group, an arm whips out from a hidden alcove and pulls me into what appears to be a butler's pantry. Before I can shriek in fright, a hand clamps over my lips, and I'm tugged into a man's chest.
"Shh. It's just me. I had to get you alone," Nick whispers.
I sag against him, my initial infusion of terror making me forget the convoluted feelings I have for him.
But then I remember.
Whirling to face him, I hiss, "No! No, you do not get to do this. Act like we're strangers one day and then attempt a secret rendezvous with me the next." With my hands on his chest, I grip the lapels of his suit jacket.
I’m not sure if I’m pushing him away or pulling him closer.
"I'm sorry for how I treated you yesterday. I had no idea you were here, and I didn't know what to say."
I scoff derisively.
When my eyes meet his bloodshot ones, the intensity of his emotions catch me off-guard.
Sorrow.
Anguish.
Longing.
He cups the nape of my neck as his nimble fingers gently massage my taut muscles. "I'm sorry to have left you like I did in Saltside. I was summoned home, and my departure was unavoidable. My brother needed me."
"You should have been honest with me, Nick. Told me who you were.” My anger keeps ratcheting up, increasing steadily. My fingers tighten around the fabric of his jacket. "You didn't even contact me afterward to apologize or explain!"
"I tried." He sends a wan smile my way. It's such a different smile than I'm used to seeing on his face.
Nick's golden boy effervescence has dimmed.
His once lively eyes now seem dark and dull.
He seems tormented. Briefly, I wonder if he might be hurting as much as I am.
"You blocked me. At least, I think you did since you never responded to my messages or phone calls. "
Oh, that's right. I did block him, didn't I?
"Well, I contemplated unblocking you a couple of days ago when I found out that I'd be visiting Belgrovinia," I retort lamely. My grip on his jacket loosens and I drop my hands, retreating a step.
"Contemplated?"
"Ultimately, I decided against it."
Fishing his phone out of the front pocket of his slacks, he opens our text thread and offers me his phone.
With his phone in my hand, I stare at him dumbly.
"In case you wanted to read everything I've sent you since I left," he explains.
Reluctantly, I thumb through his texts.
I had a chicken salad sandwich for lunch today. It made me miss you even more. I can't remember an afternoon where I've had more fun than the afternoon I spent with you on the BJ.
I read about a special flower today called a penstemon. Similar to you, it's tiny, yet incredibly hardy and resilient. It grows in the desert, offering a glimpse of beauty within the most barren of environments. I'm not sure if you fully appreciate how strong and gorgeous you are, Willa, but I do.
How are you? Are you missing me as much as I'm missing you ?
I didn't think it was possible, but I miss you even more today than I did yesterday.
God, Nick didn't skip a single day. Sometimes he even sent multiple messages each day. Unbidden, I continue scrolling, reading more of Nick's musings, and with each text I read, my anger dissipates.
Happy birthday, my darling. I hate that I’m not celebrating with you, but I hope that we’ll be reunited for your 29 th birthday.
I watched one of your movies tonight just to hear your voice. Each time you spoke, I pretended you were speaking to me.
Leaving you in Saltside was the hardest thing I've ever done, and I wish I'd made a different choice. Every morning, I wake up from dreams of you, and I'm overcome with an unrelenting sadness.
"Think you might reconsider unblocking me now?"
I stare at him for a long moment before I nod hesitantly.
In an instant, Nick’s entire demeanor changes. The sparkle returns to his lapis-colored eyes as his infectious smile grows. "I'll put that information to good use."
"Why did you send me all these heartfelt messages and then act like you barely knew me yesterday?
" Though I'd like to pretend that his behavior didn't affect me, it did.
His actions from yesterday to today are so contradictory.
"You didn't even tell your brother about me! Was I just your dirty, little secret?"
His fingers dig into my neck, pulling my head into his chest and he bands my body to his with his other arm. "Absolutely not, my darling."
"Stop, Nick." His grasp loosens, and I stumble out of his arms. I can't think straight when I'm engulfed by his intoxicating smell and his warm touch, both of which bring back bittersweet memories.
"Willa, you were more akin to a treasured memory than a dirty secret. I didn't tell Alex about you because I didn't want to share you with anyone." Nick's hand trails down my arm, leaving a cascade of goose bumps in his wake. When he reaches my hand, he intertwines his fingers with mine.
"Then what happened? Why did you leave me without any real explanation?"
Nick explains the events leading up to his hasty departure before adding, "When I left, I convinced myself that I was doing the noble thing.
Giving you a clean break. I've seen what this life, my life within the royal family, can do to people.
I've seen it firsthand with Ellie's anxiety and again with Alex’s broken engagement.
During our first conversation, you told me that you wanted a normal life, Willa.
It would have been selfish to ask you to sacrifice your peace for me. "
"But that should have been my choice, Nick. Mine, not yours! You treated me like a child, making decisions for me thinking you know best. You, you…"
"I what, Willa?"
I blurt out, "You made me hope for a future with you, but I fell for a version of you who doesn't exist. And then you abandoned me." My voice cracks as I whisper, "You broke my heart, Nick." My anger may have slipped away, but my hurt has yet to fade.
Placing our intertwined hands upon his chest, Nick replies, his voice laced with anguish, "I broke my own heart too, Willa.
Please, Willa. Give me another chance." Nick holds me tightly like he's afraid I'll slip away.
"I've been raised to prioritize the monarchy over my personal desires.
If I had any choice in the matter, I never would have left you. "
I shake out of his grip. "It's too little, too late, Nick."
"I'm not giving up on us, Willa." His eyes search mine, imploring me to agree, and my traitorous heart sings .
"I let you in once, Nick. I shared things with you that I've rarely shared with anyone else, which made it even more hurtful when you left. You didn't even say goodbye."
"I tried to say goodbye! I went to your room, Willa.
I didn't want to leave without seeing you, but you didn't open the door. I tried calling, but you didn’t answer.” Solemnly, Nick drops his gaze.
"When I couldn’t reach you, I felt like it was supposed to be that way.
I felt like the universe was protecting you.
Because when I knocked on your door, I was ready to beg you to come home with me.
I knew it was a selfish request, but I didn't want to say goodbye. "
I'm stunned by his admission, and it changes things for me. Knowing that he tried to see me before leaving, that he had planned to ask me to come with him, is a balm to my wounds. It doesn't heal them, but it does soothe the sting of the hurt. "You didn't?"
"God, no, Willa. Those days I spent with you were the happiest of my life.
With you, I got to be Nicholas, and I loved being your Nicholas.
" He smiles, his eyes searing into my soul.
"But now, here you are standing in front of me.
This is our second chance, Willa. Fate is giving us another opportunity.
We can make this work, Willa. We can figure out a way where I can be both Prince Nicholai to the world and Nicholas to you. "
As he gazes at me, so full of hope and adoration, I falter, unsure of my next move.
"All I'm asking is that you consider it. Consider us ." He murmurs, "It might not be easy, but it'll be worth it. Like I said, I'm not giving up on us, and I won't let you either."
Shakily, I edge closer to him, and he bridges the gap, holding out his hand to me.
I'm at the fork in the road with a decision to make. I'm reminded of the closing lines of the Robert Frost poem, The Road Not Taken .
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
I can choose to walk away and continue living the life I lived before meeting Nick. Or I can be brave and choose to try living the life I want to live with Nick.
It won't be easy, but the best things in life never are.
Cautiously, I take his hand, and he immediately draws me into a snug embrace. His arms tighten around me possessively, and I feel him exhale a deep breath.
“Thank you.” Pulling back, Nick lightly caresses my face. "You better go and catch up with the rest of the group. I'll see you later, my darling."
Inclining my head, I study Nick as a thought occurs to me. "Did you arrange for us to stay at Bainbridge Castle?"
His vim and vigor having returned, Nick shoots me a naughty smirk. "I did. I couldn't allow you to leave Belgrovinia without trying again. I knew if I could force you to spend time with me, we'd find our ways back to one another."
His scheming need to assert control should bother me, but it doesn’t. In fact, I take comfort in it.
"You're quite confident that I'll forgive you, then?"
"I am." Unrepentant, he grins, "I'm obsessed with you, Willa. Completely, totally fixated on you. So, if you feel even a smidgeon of what I feel for you, then yes, I'm confident you'll forgive me eventually."
As I spin to leave the alcove, Nick pulls me back and our lips collide with an electrifying spark.
While still tender, our kiss is filled with longing and desire, and it feels like a homecoming.
His nimble fingers hold my face as his lips and tongue dance with mine.
I tremble at his touch, desperate after being without it for so long.
But our kiss is all too brief.
"Now you can go," he whispers. "I'll see you soon, my darling."
Like a newborn foal, I leave the butler's pantry on shaky legs, feeling equal parts thrilled and anxious.
When I'm halfway down the hallway, the sound of a throat clearing startles me. I glance behind me to see Queen Beatrice watching me with a cold stare.