Chapter 13
For once, Winnie is awake before me and is now sitting on the end of my bed like a golden retriever, staring at me until I wake.
“Winnie,” I groan and look at the time on my phone. “It’s early.”
“I couldn’t sleep,” she whispers, as if she’s worried about waking someone up.
I roll over and see her eager little smile. “You got dressed already?”
She nods and stands on my bed wiggling about in her shorts and one of Paul’s old T-shirts she usually sleeps in. “They said to wear clothes you can move in.”
“Perfect choice.”
“What are you going to do all day while I’m at camp?” She crashes back down.
I'm not surprised by the little lump in my throat. She’s ready for her next big adventure and I have been putting it out of my mind with the small hope she would want to quit, but here we are and she’s ready to go.
I pull her against me making her giggle. “I’ll go help Aunt Laurey.”
“With what?”
“Whatever she needs. She’s got a lot going on right now.”
“With the baby?”
“Yes. And the wedding. And her work.”
“Mommy?”
“Yeah bug?” I kiss the top of her head.
“Are you ever going to have a baby again?”
She’s made comments in passing about wanting a brother or sister, but never this direct.
Honestly, I have never allowed myself to be direct and honest with my own heart about the idea.
Being a mom is my very favorite thing I do.
Caring for Lauren growing up, raising Winnie now, and the idea of not having any more is almost as scary as the looming fear that I will get hurt again.
“What do you think?” I ask her and I feel her little shoulders shrug.
“I guess you need to get married first. Maybe you could marry Tan.”
I rear my head back to look down at this child, who is simply tracing my fingers that lay across her belly.
“Where did you get that idea?”
“He’s like Grampy.” She runs her fingers along my nails.
“Like Grampy?”
“He’s nice and funny like Grampy. And Tan carries things for you and he says you’re pretty.”
“When did he say I was pretty?” My heart lurches in my chest and I wonder if she can feel it.
“When he brought in the groceries. He was waiting for you at the top of the steps, talking to his friends.”
“I think,” I kiss her head one more time, pretending like I didn’t feel the whoosh of butterfly wings deep in my chest, “it’s time for us to get ready and get you to camp.”
She leaps off the bed in an instant and makes a beeline for the kitchen.
The lobby of the Y is buzzing when we enter. I see Riley up ahead, signing kids in. She meets my eyes and waves me over.
“Come on Win.” I keep my hand tightly around hers as we wind through kids saying hello to their friends and parents chatting amongst each other. I see a little girl next to Riley with the same bright blue eyes.
“Winnie.” Riley kneels with a big smile. “This is my daughter, Poppy. Poppy this is Winnie, the little girl I was telling you about. She’s going to be in your group with Mrs. Maryanne.”
“Do you like drawing?” Poppy asks Winnie.
Winnie, suddenly shy, looks at me for an answer.
“Do you?” I nudge her with my hip.
“I do,” Winnie squeaks. “I got an art set for my birthday.”
“Winnie, this is for you.” Riley hands Winnie a bright purple shirt. “Sorry, it was the only size we had left.”
Winnie excitedly slips it on, and it falls just above her knees, and swallows her whole.
“If you want to say goodbye to your mom, Poppy can show you to your group. They are starting with basketball in the gym this morning.”
Winnie whips her head up to me, and when I expect her to cry, she doesn’t. She smiles big and wraps her arms around me. Then before I can even say goodbye, she is running hand in hand with Poppy off to the gym.
The lump in my throat rises again and Riley must sense it because she reaches over and touches my arm.
“She’s in good hands. I promise. Maryanne has worked here for over thirty years.”
I force a smile and a thank you before shuffling back through the families to my car. I keep it together until I’m parked in front of the diner. I hadn’t even really planned on coming here but I suddenly needed a lot of carbs and coffee.
The tears come quickly, and I feel like I have just abandoned my child.
Of course, my logical side is in there somewhere telling me that I didn’t, but all I can think about is that this means she is growing up and I’m not anywhere near ready for that.
I wipe my tears and try to breathe, but the knock on my window nearly launches my heart out of my chest.
Tanner stands there with his big brown eyes filled with concern. I roll down my window and shrug my shoulders.
“Mornin’.” He leans his arms on the windowsill.
“Morning.” I curse my wavering lip.
“How did drop off go?”
“Good. She ran right off. Didn’t cry or anything.”
He smiles so softly that it makes more tears begin to fall but he catches them with his thumb as he swipes gently at my cheek.
“Hey, hey.” He drops his eyes to catch mine. “Let me buy you a coffee. No ulterior motive.”
I can’t help but laugh and let him open my door and help me out. When we walk in, he waves at Mayben.
“Coffee please,” he calls out to her, then leads me to a booth in the back corner. “Oh, and pie. She needs some Morton’s pie.”
Before we even sit, Mayben is there at our table with two mugs, a carafe of coffee, and a single piece of pie. She smiles with the same softness as Tanner and slips away without a word.
“I'm sorry,” I sigh, using the napkin from my silverware to wipe my eyes as he pours us each a cup of coffee.
“For what?”
“For making a scene.” I let out a pathetic laugh, but he doesn’t join me.
“You could have been smashing your steering wheel and you still wouldn’t owe anyone an apology.” His jaw clicks as he schools his expression. “Tell me about your day so far. The boring parts too.”
“Winnie was up before me. We laid in bed for a while, then she asked if I would ever have another baby.” I can feel my cheeks blush as I skirt around her comments about him.
“Then we got to the Y. The lady was so nice and introduced us to her daughter, Poppy. And she and Winnie ran off holding hands. She didn’t even pout, let alone cry.
I know she’s ready, she has been. She’s been going to preschool, but that was part-time and we always had summers, you know?
And when she started preschool, she hated it and I felt like she still needed me. This? She was so ready to leave me.”
Tanner reaches for the fork and goes for the pie. “You know, when I was younger, when it was just my mom and me, she used to drop me off at the Y. The same one. There were days I would see her parked across the street. Just watching.”
“Just you and your mom?” I ask, knowing full well his father is the mayor of Green Branch and from what I’ve heard, his parents are very much still together.
“It’s a long story. But my mom and I were joined at the hip for a while. And honestly, being gone from her during the day just made me happier to come home to her at night. I had Mrs. Maryanne. She was really good at keeping me occupied during the day.”
“Maryanne is Winnie’s teacher too,” I point out and there a little boy-like gleam in his eyes.
His phone rings in his pocket and he pulls it out, then shoves it right back in.
“You can answer it.”
He shakes his head. “It’s just Taylor. Probably just wondering where I am.”
“Are you supposed to be at work right now?”
“I'm not supposed to be anywhere but right here.” He tops off my coffee. “I'm sorry this morning was rough for you. But I have a feeling that kid is going to be running the place by the time you pick her back up later.”
“I hope so.”
His phone buzzes again.
“You should go.” I try to tell him, but he shakes his head and shrugs casually.
“Nope. Tell me other things about your day so far. What else?”
“Well, I left, and I cried, then this guy started knocking on my window and scared the shit out of me.”
His laugh is low and steady, and I want nothing more than to keep hearing it.
“Sorry.” His cheeks pink. “I don’t usually interrupt crying women in their car, and I wasn’t sure of the proper protocol.”
“Well, I’ve cried a lot in my car the past couple years.” I intend it as a joke, but it doesn’t sound very funny out loud.
Tanner's head tilts and then I wave my hands. “I'm good. I promise. I just don’t like Winnie seeing me cry. The car is usually a safe spot to cry.”
His phone again.
“Answer it at least,” I insist and he begrudgingly pulls it out and answers.
“What’s up?” he asks. “No, I’ll get to the shop soon. A family emergency came up. Everything is good. Yup, I promise everything’s good. I’m not dead. My car is fine. Yup. Thanks for worrying.”
“You better be careful,” I tell him when he hangs up. “You throw around the dead grandma card too much, people will catch on that you had seven grandmas die.”
“I don’t have any grandmas left. But you crying in your car is a family emergency. If you forgot, we are about to be distantly family. My sister and your sister are about to be sisters-in-law.”
“Finding your family attractive makes this a little weird then,” I say, and instantly wish I could reel the words back in.
Tanner leans back in the booth, that grin returning. “Attractive. Huh?”
“You need to get to work,” I snap and dig in my purse for a few dollars to cover the bill and hide my blushing cheeks.
“Put your money away,” he insists. “Please.”
Something in his voice compels me to listen, so, I shove the money back in. He drops a hundred on the table, stands and gives me his hand.
I look at it, then back up to those eyes before taking it. We wave to Mayben and head back out toward my van, hand in hand. My stomach flips as he reaches around me to open the door for me.
“What was your answer to her?” His voice is threaded with a seriousness that surprises me.
“What do you mean?”
“To Winnie's question. If you’ll ever have more kids. What was your answer?”
“I didn’t have an answer. She said I needed to have a husband and remarrying isn’t something I have let myself entertain yet.”
His eyes flicker up to mine, almost nervous. “Yet?”
“Yet,” I confirm, and it feels like another chip out of our just-friends agreement.
He fights a smile as he closes my door then turns to walk down to the auto shop.