Chapter 15
By the time we get home, a cool breeze has replaced the hot sun-soaked air and Winnie insists on eating on what she now calls the deck, because balcony was too hard to say, and bacon knee made her laugh too much.
So, deck felt safe. The little window unit is struggling to keep up with the heat, and I think we are both just desperate for a breeze. Even a hot one.
“Here, have a seat. I’ll get us plates.” I pull out a chair for her and set the pizza box on the rickety table.
In the kitchen, I shuffle through the cabinets to find anything other than ceramic plates but there aren’t any, so I grab a few paper towels.
I hear talking when I approach the deck and as I step out, I see Winnie is leaning against the banister.
“You said you would!” she yells down.
I take a step closer and see Tanner is walking toward his truck from the shop.
“I did promise, didn’t I?” he calls back and meets my eyes. “It’s up to your mom.”
Winnie spins around, hands clasped under her chin pleadingly.
“What are you up to?” I ask her.
“Can Tan have dinner with us tonight? Please?”
I look down now at Tanner and by the look in his eyes and quirk of the corner of his mouth, I know I don’t stand a chance in this battle. He has his hand shielding his eyes from the sun, and the other hand on his hip
“Sure,” I say to Winnie, and she whips around to him again.
“Mommy said yes!”
“Great. Tell Mommy I just need to put my stuff in my car then I’ll be up.” He winks.
My cheeks flame a bright red, and Tanner doesn’t bother trying to hide his amusement.
“No more leaning over the edge,” I tell Winnie. “We don’t have paper plates so we’re using paper towels for plates.”
My heart pounds in my chest as I go back to the kitchen and tell myself this is just friends having dinner.
This is normal and calm and no big deal.
I dig around the fridge for a few beers, convincing myself to believe the lie until the knock on the door comes.
I try to settle my heartbeat and open it.
He’s changed into a University of Michigan T-shirt, and it strikes me as it’s the most color he’s worn. He looks good in yellow.
His hair is more contained than it just was in the parking lot and as he steps in toward me, I get a whiff of, well him. Distant hint of his cologne, and that auto shop scent that I’m learning to love.
“Hi.” His voice is soft, amusement tugging at the corner of his lips.
“Hi. I have cold beer this time if you want one.”
“I would love one.” He follows me over into the kitchen and braces himself back against the counter. I turn to dig for the bottle opener and feel his eyes burning into my skin.
“This suits you,” he says.
I fight an eye roll and turn to face him. “What? Opening a beer for a man?”
His jaw clicks just slightly. “Your dress. I’m glad to see you still like breaking rules.”
Heat flushes up my body, as his eyes skate down it. I hand him his beer, and raise mine to his, acting as cool, calm, and collected as I can. “Friends.”
He chuckles and nods his head. “Friends.”
“Come on. She’s waiting on you.” I tip my head toward the bedroom.
“Us?”
“Nope. She’s definitely just waiting for you.”
A softness crosses his face, but I don’t let myself dwell on it. I know just by the way he watches me walk around the counter, that if I dwell, I can’t be held responsible for anything I do or say next.
On the deck, Winnie has placed a paper towel on three spots of the table.
“Mom said these are the plates,” she informs Tanner as he steps out just behind me.
“Well Fred, I must admit, I do love a paper towel plate.”
Winnie giggles and motions for us to sit in the chairs she has designated for each of us, but then she turns suddenly to Tanner with a deadly serious expression full of concern.
“Did you ask your mom if you could come over?”
Tanner smiles so deeply at her that it plucks at my heart strings.
“No. I live in my own house up on a hill. My mom and dad live back on our farm still. But tell me, how was camp today?” He sits next to her. “Did you break any bones? Rob any banks?”
And like a magic phrase to open the gate, Winnie starts talking and doesn’t stop.
She takes only brief pauses to eat, breathe, or for me or Tanner to ask her another question.
Like was basketball fun? Did she like yoga or were the crafts more exciting?
And she has an immediate answer for each question.
“My friend Poppy said I was an extra kid. She said I was special that I got to join when they were already full.”
I glance over at Tanner as I remember what Maryanne said about her being extra but I don’t even have a chance to ask because Winnie launches into the story about how they had pizza for lunch. “Mondays are always pizza day,” she tells us.
“And you wanted pizza again tonight?” I ask.
“Well yeah Mom. I always want pizza.”
I pull my head back, wondering if we are completely replacing Mommy with Mom. Tanner looks up as if he’s just as surprised by this as I am.
“You know.” Tanner nudges Winnie. “Mrs. Maryanne was my leader when I went there too. I doubt she remembers me.”
“Oh,” I scoff. “She does.”
“What does that mean?”
I stifle a smile and drop my eyes from his. “Gap-toothed boy with freckles.”
“I was adorable.”
“She still thinks you are.”
“She also thinks that sunscreen lotion is better than sunscreen spray,” Winnie adds.
“And what do you think?” Tanner asks her like this is a very serious question he needs her answer to. “Which do you prefer?”
It’s like an out of body experience as I watch the two talk.
He knows all the questions to ask, and Winnie is happy to oblige even the silliest of ones he can think of.
They laugh and the warm wind blows, the singing birds chirp, the summer bugs buzz, and the remaining streaks of sunlight cast over us, drenching us in sweat and evening light.
Once we finish eating, and after another story about Poppy and another girl, Ava, Tanner stands, collects our paper towels, the now empty box of pizza, our empty beer bottles and slips inside.
“Mommy, I like Tanner,” Winnie says climbing up to sit with her legs under her.
“Oh, do you?”
“Yup. He’s funny.” She sighs and pokes her fingers through the metal grate of the table. “I decided I want a sister. And maybe a brother too, but I want a sister to start.”
“A sister to start?
“Yeah. You have a sister. And Tan has a sister. I could be like you guys.”
A moment later, Tanner reappears with two fresh bottles of beer and a juice box.
“Do you need me to open it?” Tanner asks her and she shakes her head then opens it herself.
“When did you learn to do that?”
“Today. Mrs. Maryanne showed me. Can I go watch T.V. now?”
“Sure, you need help?”
“Nope. I can do it by myself.” She pushes off her seat and heads inside.
“Sorry. I don’t know when she turned into a teenager, but it must have been sometime in-between drop off and pick up today.”
“She’s outstanding.” Tanner shakes his head. “I mean, she’s related to you, so I knew she’d be great, but wow. She is the coolest kid I have ever met.”
“She is a quandary.”
“What do you mean?”
“That confidence? I have never had an ounce of that,” I admit. “I’ve always been one to hide. Blend into my surroundings. I was always pulling Lauren into hiding with me. Winnie though? She isn’t scared of anything.”
“You absolutely do not blend into your surroundings.” He says it so matter-of-factly that I almost believe him. “Especially that first night in Chicago.”
I shake my head and sip my beer. “That was a version of me who thought I would never see any of those people again. That was not me.”
Tanner leans his arms onto the rickety table. “I don’t believe that for a second.”
“What do you mean you don’t believe it?”
“Nobody just gets up and does karaoke like that and doesn’t mean it. You may not boss every room around, but Hannah, each one sure as hell does revolve around you.”
My stomach swirls at those words. I may not believe them, but I believe Tanner believes them and that’s enough for me in this moment.
“There wasn’t any room for Winnie at the Y. When I signed her up, I assumed they had saved a spot for her. But today they said she was an extra,” I say but Tanner only nods, not acknowledging his part in it. “How did you pull that off?”
“With a please and thank you.”
“That’s it? You swear you didn’t pay them?”
He crosses his heart with his finger. “I swear I didn’t pay them.”
“Oh, and Dollie hasn’t sent any paperwork or a bill for the rent.”
He chews on his lip. “She won’t take your money.”
“What?”
“This has nothing to do with me this time. I swear. She told me to tell you that she won’t be accepting a dollar from you.”
“Mommy! Come look!” Winnie calls from inside.
We both hesitate for a moment, knowing there’s no real urgency in her voice, but after a moment, Tanner stands and offers me both his hands.
They’re calloused and greased stained and I slide mine into them carefully.
His grip is firm as he pulls me not just up, but square into his chest and I can feel his heart pounding in equal measure to mine.
“That’s breaking rules,” I whisper, letting my eyes travel from where our hearts beat against each other, then up to his eyes.
“I could break a lot more rules,” he whispers back. “But there are cartoons waiting for us in the other room.”
He makes no effort to move though. So, with a deep breath and the rest of my self-control, I turn from him and step into my room.
I only make it a few steps into the sun-streaked space before Tanner's hands find my hips and pull me back into him. There’s no fight in my body.
In fact, I only melt back into his chest as his arms wrap around my middle.
“Hannah.” His lips graze my neck, before he presses them against the soft skin. The sound of my name is muffled because of it, or maybe because my heartbeat is drowning out his voice and all my reason.
I try to steady my breathing, but I can’t. Not with the feeling of his body pressed against mine. Not with the feeling of his heartbeat against my back and his lips on my neck. The room is warm, but my skin is on fire.
We don’t say anything else, because there is nothing else to say. We just keep each other there for a moment before I force myself away, leaving him standing there in my bedroom and I regret every step I have to take away from him.
When I step out of my room, Winnie points out something silly I missed on the screen, and I realize the kitchen is cleaned. The garbage is bagged up with the pizza box next to the door.
“I’ll get that when I head out,” Tanner says as he steps around me, giving my side a light tap.
“You cleaned all of this up,” I point out and he looks over at me. Confusion all over his gorgeous face.
“I'm sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep, I just thought—"
“No.” I shake my head. “I— thank you.”
He nods. “You don’t have to thank me. I helped make the mess. But I should probably leave you two—”
“No.” Winnie pouts and slaps the empty spot on the couch next to her. “Come watch.”
Tanner looks at me as if to ask permission.
I should send him home. I should stop this attachment before it becomes too painful to untangle ourselves. But I can’t and I don’t. This time, I’m in the middle. Tanner sits with his leg touching mine, and his arm behind me on the couch.
“I like this one,” Winnie declares about whatever cartoon that plays.
My heartbeat echoes in my ears and though my eyes are trained forward, attempting to pay attention to whatever Winnie is talking about, I can only focus on Tanner next to me with that devilish smirk on his face.
The flashing colors and animals on the screen are purely background to the thunder in my chest.
Then in a moment, I feel Tanner’s fingers find the clip in my hair and pull it away gently, my frizzy waves spill over my shoulders and chest. He runs his fingers through the length of it until it lays on my opposite shoulder, leaving my neck exposed to him and it takes everything in me to keep from leaning into his hand.
He traces a finger along the line of my shoulder and toward the strap of my dress.
He flicks the strap off but continues to float his finger back up my neck.
“Tanner.” I try to sound strong and resolute, but my voice is hoarse and the words come out as a whisper.
“You were winning,” he whispers and laces his hand into the back side of my hair, tugging it enough to turn me to look at him. “I had to make it even.”
Then he drops his arm to the back of the couch and plays innocent for the rest of the episode.
Once the cartoon credits speed by, Winnie is sound asleep, and so is Tanner.
I'm stuck between two sleeping golden retrievers, and I’d be damned if they are both snoring.
I carefully lift myself, only waking Tanner in the process. He stretches and smiles at me.
I gave him my hand. “Truce?”
He takes it and pulls himself up to his full height before leaning down so his lips graze the shell of my ear. “Never.”
He pulls away and walks toward the door picking up the garbage and pizza box.
“You look beautiful tonight, by the way,” he says. “I don’t know if I told you that. But you do. Thanks for dinner, it can be at my place next time. Maybe we can have Lauren and Rhett over too.”
I nod, unable to get any words out. Not trusting whatever I really want to say.
Tanner turns down the steps and leaves. Leaves me to tuck Winnie into the couch and lay in my bed wondering.
Replaying what just happened. Recounting the way it felt to have his hands on my hips, his lips against my neck, and his fingers in my hair.
Maybe it’s the second beer, but I even let myself wonder what if.
What if there’s no use fighting whatever we have.
What if this really could be something real. Tangible.
What if?