Chapter 18
One thing I did not pack on what was supposed to be a week-long trip, was a bathing suit for Winnie or myself.
And since we are tackling the public pool in Marnmouth today, I am now sweating in a Walmart parking lot, shoving new beach towels, sunscreen, floaties and bathing suits into my duffle bag.
Winnie picked the brightest one she could find, and I found a one-piece I typically would have bought.
High coverage, cute enough to not be super lame and tame enough to not annoy Ethan.
And the one Ethan would have berated me over.
A simple black string bikini that honestly doesn’t leave much to the imagination.
I shove both into my bag and shut the hatch.
It’s not until I am standing in the pool’s locker room with Winnie in her long-sleeve sun-protection bathing suit that I decide to slip on the string bikini.
I feel naked as I walk out into the sun and I try to talk myself out of the thought that everyone is staring and judging.
Or somehow that someone was going to tell on me for wearing something that would “give men the wrong idea.” I chew on the inside of my cheek and follow Winnie as she tugs me by the hand to the kiddie splash pad area where there are lounge chairs lining the pool’s edge.
All around, kids are laughing and screaming.
There are older kids in the swim lanes across the way and a diving board with dripping swimmers lined up all the way to the snack shop.
Families and groups of friends all claiming their own tables and chairs.
Some people are laid out tanning, while others are trying to perfect their backstroke.
It smells of sun-soaked concrete, chlorine, sunscreen, and summer vacation.
“Can I go play there?” Winnie asks, pointing at the splash pad in front of us.
“How about I go with you?” The suggestion is met with an immediate pout. “Fine. But stay close. I will be right here on the edge. Don’t talk to strangers and don’t even think about going anywhere deeper than your belly.”
She nods, then runs off with her sunscreen not even fully rubbed in. In a moment she is running through the fountains and splashing water with a gleeful smile. She scrunches up her shoulders when she runs under the rainbow fountain, and I feel a touch of pride at the sight.
Lauren and I never made it to the public pool as a kid. We spent our summers in the backyard with a garden hose and a plastic bucket filled with dollar store barbies. Something Mom would deny to this day.
Her wealth now—or well—Paul’s wealth, seems to have tainted her memories from our childhood.
She forgot how poor we were, or how much she worked, leaving Lauren and I to our own defenses on summer breaks.
I know younger me would be proud to watch my daughter splash around without a single care in the world and white streaks of sunscreen across her face.
My phone pings with a text from Tanner. It’s a photo of the sheep.
Tanner: poppy and ava are doing well.
Hannah: Did Win name them that???
Tanner: yes ma’am. she’s already thinking of the names for the cows that I don’t own yet.
Hannah: Those are her friends’ names from summer camp. You absolutely do not need to keep those names.
Tanner: and disappoint Fred? i would never.
Hannah: I promise you she will be okay…
Tanner: sorry. they love their names. never changing them.
“I thought that was you.”
I pick my head up and find Riley standing in front of me with Poppy at her side. Immediately, I’m scrambling for my cover up, wishing I went for the one-piece.
“A few of the moms and I are just over there.” She points over a few chairs to the group of women smiling as they shield the sun. “Come sit with us.”
I look back at Winnie who spots Poppy immediately and comes bolting over.
“Win, I’m going to move our stuff down by Poppy’s mom, okay?”
“Okay!” she chirps as her and Poppy run off to another little boy and girl.
“RJ and Ava.” Riley tips her head in their direction.
I collect our things, follow Riley, and realize for possibly the first time ever, I’m being invited to hang out with other moms. That for the first time, the Forrest name hasn’t scared off a potential friend.
The name, though powerful and tied to a lot of money, also wields itself like a damn sock on a door handle.
Telling people to not bother. Don’t come in.
Stay away. Unsavory things are underway.
“You must be Hannah.” A woman with rich dark skin smiles up at me from under her sun hat. “I’m Bernie. Bobby’s my husband. He told me about the groceries.”
My cheeks heat with deep embarrassment. “I swear I can carry groceries on my own. Winnie begged Tanner and Tanner dragged the guys along.”
“Oh, Bobby loved it. He loves seeing Tanner so happy. My daughter is Ava.” She points in her direction.
“That one flopping around is mine.” The other woman smiles. “RJ. I’m Pia. I’m married to Tanner’s friend Rodney.”
It’s not lost on me that they are all sharing their connection to Tanner, and I wonder if Riley knows how he got Winnie in. I wonder if they all know. I have half a mind to ask, but Riley lays back in her lounger and commands us to do the same.
“Come on,” she sighs, with her chin tilted up in the sun. “Having kids doesn’t mean we can’t be tan and hot.”
I take a breath, slip off my cover up and lay in a chair next to the women.
We spend hours talking about school, and stain removing, and picky eaters.
We talk about things like laundry and the best vacuum for pet hair, and how to really get your gas stove top clean.
Time flies by and I love every mundane second of it.
I leave with a sunburn and my number added to their mom group chat and a summer pass for the pool.
Back at home, I manage to deposit Winnie on the couch with cartoons and a bottle of water while I head back down to get our stuff.
My skin brims with warmth from the sun, and from the fact that I am quite literally standing in a parking lot in nothing more than a bikini and a see-through cover-up that is flapping in the wind.
“Can I be of service again?”
His voice is low and deep, and I know that me leaning over into the back seat is giving him quite the view.
As I stand to face Tanner, I see he’s sweaty and tired but with the way he’s looking at me, I think maybe neither of those things matter right now.
Tanner’s eyes shamelessly drop down my body and back up again. He swallows hard.
I don’t know what kind of help he’s referring to, or what help I’m accepting, but my insides ignite as he takes a single finger and traces it down my side so slowly that I feel each skin cell glow under his touch.
Every inch traced in molten gold. He stops just above the line of my bathing suit bottoms and hesitates.
“Hannah,” he takes his finger away and places his hand on the side of my neck, so his thumb brushes across my cheek.
My name is intoxicating as it drips off his lips.
I bring my hand to meet his, breathing through the temptation to taste my name as he says it.
“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”
“Have you just been waiting for me to come home?”
He tilts his head, smiling. “Maybe. I'm working late and kept my eye out. It looked like, or maybe still does look like, you could use some help.”
“In what department?”
He tips his head forward just enough that I could purse my lips and meet his.
“Whichever you require.”
A single movement could end our friend agreement, but my heart and my mind continue this helpless battle, and my mind wins again as I blink my heart straight and turn my face, a shuttering breath escapes me.
“If you don’t want me, you just need to say the word.
” His voice is hoarse in my ear, and it cracks a piece of my heart.
“I know we have this thing, and that we have had this thing, but Hannah, if you actually want me to back off, tell me right now and I swear I’ll stop.
Or better yet, tell me you do want this.
Tell me you just need time, but you want this.
I’ll wait Hannah. Tell me there’s still hope and I’ll wait for you forever. ”
When I don’t say anything, when I stand there with all my fake stoicism, allowing my silence to lie for me, he laughs. It isn’t a funny laugh. It’s a sad pleading one as he nods with a hand dragging down his face. “I should get back.”
“Tanner, I just have so much baggage—”
“I’m not scared of it,” he states matter-of-factly.
He reaches around me, grabs my bags and heads upstairs without another word.
I don’t follow him up. Instead, I just stand here, wishing I could find a way to prove to him that this wouldn’t work, and that it doesn’t matter what we feel.
I wish I could show him that there are logistics to this that aren’t ignorable.
Especially with kids. And with me. It’s never easy when it’s me, he just doesn’t see it yet. They always see it eventually.
Tanner comes back down, and I am fully ready to tell him just that and maybe he senses it, because he stops about ten feet in front of me this time, showing more self-restraint than he has all summer. I can see the struggle in his clenched jaw and matching fists.
“I'm not willing to lose you.” He shoves his hands into his pockets. “We will talk later, but you’re my friend and I'm not going to lose you.” He nods like he’s reassuring himself as turns back toward the shop.
Not only do I need to convince him to stop falling for me, but I also need to convince myself to stop falling for him, even though I am afraid it is far too late for both of us.