Chapter 19
For an entire week, I do everything in my power to make sure Tanner sees how much easier his life is without me.
I spend my time dropping Winnie off at the Y, and helping Lauren with wedding and baby planning.
We have almost the entire ceremony and reception planned, and their spare room situated into something almost resembling a nursery.
When coming and going from the apartment, I try to keep my eyes from slipping over to the auto shop, searching for golden hair. He almost caught me once when he was eating on the curb. I had directed Winnie to the car quickly and pretended like my heart didn’t lurch in my chest.
Yet, throughout the entire week, my mind is wrapped up in the way Tanner looked at me in the parking lot.
The way his eyes outlined the traces of my body.
The way his finger laced goosebumps up and down my side.
I think about it in the shower, when I am alone in bed at night.
I think about it when I’m at the grocery store buying beer and juice boxes, or when I’m drinking iced tea with Lauren on her back deck soaking in the sun.
I had come so close to making everything a lot more complicated in the parking lot after the pool. A part of me hoped that a week might put it all into perspective and help me remember why I’m here. But my mind seems happy to retrace the path Tanner’s fingers took up and across my skin.
“Hannah.” Lauren’s voice cuts through my daze. “That mug has never been cleaner.”
I look down and rinse it again before setting it on the counter.
She narrows her eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, of course.”
I don’t have it in me to analyze what she’s thinking. What she knows or wants to know. I keep myself busy with the dishes until she comes up and leans against the counter in my way.
“If you want to talk about it—”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I tell her.
“Something happened. I just need to figure out what.”
“Your search will be fruitless.”
She rolls her eyes. “I'm going to go take a shower before Rhett gets back from the store.”
“Good. You stink.” I hit her with the towel, and she laughs up the stairs.
I am finishing wiping the counter when the front door swings open.
“Oh, you’re here,” Tanner says, the corner of his mouth turning up into a small grin.
“Do you always just show up unannounced everywhere?”
He scoffs at my tone. “I mean, the people who live here knew I was coming. It just seems unannounced to you.” He shuts the door behind him. “I didn’t expect you to be here. Your van isn’t here.”
“Rhett took it to get groceries and pick up Winnie.”
“Where’s Laur?” he asks, inspecting the house. “Damn, it’s clean in here.”
I roll my eyes. “She’s showering and thank you. I worked hard.”
He leans against the counter, running a hand through his hair. “You’re scowling at me.”
“I am not,” I snap, my arms crossing over my chest.
“You absolutely are. Is this about the other day?”
“Nope. I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”
His mouth twists in amusement. “Oh my God, it is. You’re mad at me.”
“Not mad. There’s nothing to be mad about.”
“You’re telling me you felt nothing and me being near you isn’t what has you hot and bothered right now?”
“Hot and bothered?” My jaw drops at the accusation. “I am not, and that meant nothing.”
“Then kiss me.” The words fly out of his mouth, but they don’t seem even remotely reckless. They’re pointed and strong. A command.
“Excuse me?”
His eyes darken as he takes a step toward me. “If it meant nothing, if all of this means nothing, then kiss me. Because if it means nothing, then a kiss won’t change anything.”
I don’t know where this boldness came from, but I quite literally can’t drop my gaze from his. A simple look has me frozen to my spot.
“Tanner.”
“Hannah.” Another step closer.
“I'm not kissing you.”
“Because it meant something. Admit it. It meant something.”
“Of course it meant something!” My words come out in a hushed scolding.
“And that’s why you’ve been avoiding me.”
“I have not!”
“Hannah.”
“Tanner.”
“Rhett?”
Over Tanner’s shoulder, Rhett is shuffling in the front door with bags in his hands and Winnie skipping in behind him.
“Hi Tan!” She runs over and wraps her arms around him in a hug. “I missed you.”
My jaw opens again and this time no words come out.
“Fred!” He hugs her back. “I’ve been busy with those sheep. Your mom said you have been very busy with summer camp too. Still loving it?”
She nods her head. “I have so many friends.”
“Like who?”
“Like Poppy and Ava. And now RJ”
Tanner smiles. “Huh. Those are some great friends to have.”
“That’s who I named the sheep after.” Winnie shrugs.
“Who did you name the sheep after?” Lauren pops down the stairs with her hair up in a towel.
“Her friends at camp. Poppy and Ava.”
“Riley and Bernie’s daughters.” Rhett adds and Lauren’s eyebrows pop up.
“Best named sheep this side of the state.” Tanner winks at Winnie.
“What’s the plan for dinner?” Lauren starts unloading the grocery bags, eyeing tanner. “Is it just going to be us?”
“I’m happy to cook.” He shrugs.
“Winnie and I should probably head back.”
“Mommy.” Winnie stretches the word out.
“Yeah Mommy.” Tanner teases, the smirk on his face knows he’s going to get hit for saying it too.
“I’ll cook,” Rhett offers. “You guys go out back and clear out of the kitchen.”
“Alright. Winnie and I have to practice our spiral anyway.” Tanner shrugs as if he has no other option.
“Finally,” she sighs exasperatedly.
“What is going on? How did we just get swindled into staying? And what do you mean you have to practice your spiral?”
“She has football day coming up at camp. I'm teaching her how to throw the perfect spiral.” Tanner says casually and heads for the back door. “And, well, you’ve been very busy, and we haven’t had time to practice.”
The door shuts and Lauren spins to me.
“So. What were you two arguing about?” she asks.
“Nothing.”
“That’s not true.”
“It’s not true. But it’s also not important.”
“Somehow I feel like maybe it is.”
“He just accused me of avoiding him.”
“And have you been avoiding him?”
I open the back door, and we step out onto the deck, finding our seat on the top step. Winnie picks up the weather faded football from under a tree.
“Yes,” I admit.
“Now that, that’s the truth.” Lauren pats my knee like she’s proud of my sudden choice on honesty. “What else?”
“I have been avoiding him, because of that.” I motion to them as Winnie tosses the football. It crashes at Tanner's feet, then he throws his arms in the air like she just made the game winning touchdown. “She’s going to be devastated when we leave,” I say. “I mean, look. She loves him.”
“I get that,” Lauren admits.
It feels like the tiniest victory. Like maybe she sees what I have been trying to convince myself of this entire time. Leaving is going to hurt, what’s the point of making it worse.
“Mommy watch!” Winnie calls out before throwing the football horribly. It lands nowhere near Tanner.
“Good job bug!”
My eyes catch on Tanner’s hands and suddenly all my brain can think about is how I miss them being on my skin.
“Come on, Mom.” Tanner calls out to me, his hands resting on his hips as he squints in the sunlight. I melt at the little dimple in his smile I’ve never noticed before. “Show us who’s really the pro-athlete.”
“I wouldn’t want to show you up,” I tell him, but with a single beckoning head-tilt I am up and walking barefoot through the grass to them.
“Alright Winnie.” I pick up the ball. “Watch this.”
One swift toss, and the ball goes sailing through the air and right into Tanner's hands. His jaw drops and eyebrows knit together.
“Since when could you do that?” Lauren calls from the step.
“It pays to be friends with the football players in college.”
Ethan hated it. He was law-school, frat-boy, new-money. Football and aggressive sports only benefited him when he was betting on a game. My roommate was dating the running back and so sometimes, when Ethan was too busy for me, I was at the athlete apartment parties perfecting my own spiral.
“Mom, go over by Tan.”
“That was incredibly hot,” he whispers upon my approach through gritted teeth.
Winnie's toss goes sideways, bounces off a tree and rolls back to her own feet.
“Here Fred. Watch this.” Tanner jogs over to her, picks up the ball and shows her how to lay her fingers on the laces. I can’t hear him, but Winnie is nodding very seriously at his directions.
I glance over at Lauren, and the look is all over her face. The one that tells me just how much trouble I’m in. She pushes up off the back steps and heads inside.
“Tell her,” Tanner says to Winnie.
“Mom, go long!” she calls out and I shuffle back. She chucks it and with a small dip to the side, I catch it. “Go get a touchdown!”
Before I can move, Tanner launches himself toward me. Winnie squeals for me to run and I do. Or at least I try to. I turn and only make it few strides away before Tanner scoops me up from behind.
Laughter shakes my body as I yell for him to put me down but that’s actually the last thing I want. Turns out here, six inches off the ground, in Tanner’s arms, is my new favorite place to be. His laughter rumbles against my back as he slowly lets me slip down to the ground.
“You have a good throw, but you aren’t very fast.” His voice is low, so I find myself craning back to hear him. Or maybe just to be closer.
“Mom, you didn’t get the touch down!” Winnie giggles.
Tanner places a kiss on my cheek before letting me go entirely and Winnie's eyes go wide. I wonder if my blushed cheeks are as red as hers.
“Mommy.” A mischievous grin grows on her face.
“Winnie.” I echo and she starts to giggle. “Come on. We have to wash up for dinner.”
“There’s the hose over there.” Tanner tips his head toward the side of the house. “We can grab a drink too.”
Winnie’s nose scrunches up, and Tanner looks at me with shock and concern that my child doesn’t have a clue as to what it means to drink out of a hose.
“Come on.” He waves her on. “I’ll show ya.”
I watch the two as they take turns drinking from the hose stream and laughing when it splatters all over their faces.
“Dinner!” Lauren calls out the back door.
Winnie darts ahead, leaving Tanner and I in the dust.
We bump arms and keep on not fully addressing whatever the hell is going on between us.
“Mommy lost the football game.” Winnie announces to Lauren and Rhett as she plops into her chair. “And I drank from the hose.”
“Have you never done that before?” Rhett asks.
“Nope.” She shrugs. “But Tanner said it tastes better.”
I peek a glance over at him and he winks at her.
After dinner, we end up sitting on the front porch, procrastinating our departure.
Storm has found her way over and is on her back, getting belly rubs from Winnie.
The birds have quieted and are replaced by the croaking frogs and chirping crickets.
Dusk has settled over the quiet street as I lean against the banister, breathing in the summer breeze.
“I’m sorry.” Tanner leans down and rests his arms next to me.
“For what?”
“For kissing you on the cheek in front of Winnie. I wasn’t thinking.”
I chew on the inside of my lip and meet his gaze. “She never saw her dad kiss me, I don’t think. Not that she would remember. I bet she was just shocked someone showed me affection like that.”
“Still, I know kids are impressionable, and I know we are…”
His voice trails off with the wind. Because what are we? Are there even words for what this is?
“I wouldn’t have run with the ball if I didn’t want you to catch me,” I admit quietly.
I can feel the weight of his questioning eyes on me now.
“No more honesty for the night,” I tell him.
Once Winnie yawns, we all say our goodbyes, and I can feel that kiss on my cheek until I fall asleep on the phone with Tanner for the first time all week.