Chapter 39
Acouple of weeks later, I am online looking up houses near Mom and Paul’s house and Winnie’s school back in Illinois. No matter how modern or beautiful or updated any of them are, they aren’t here. They aren’t near Lauren, the Green Branch Y, or Tanner’s farm.
When I’m not house hunting, I am checking my email repeatedly, waiting for an official email from Ethan or his lawyer.
I drop Winnie off at the Y every morning, then I go back to the apartment, drink an ungodly amount of coffee, and think through every possible outcome this could bring.
I will of course fight him. That much I know, but if they decide otherwise, not only will Winnie have to spend extended amounts of time with Ethan, but so will I. The thought makes me physically ill.
The lack of contact from Tanner breaks my heart the longer his silence stretches.
And as the sleepless nights pass, I spiral into the reality that I’m leaving in a few weeks and obviously his feelings have changed.
I lay awake staring at the long dead flowers from our weekend together on my dresser and grapple with how perfectly things came together and how tragically they are falling apart.
“The purple boots are perfect,” I tell Winnie.
We were halfway out the door when she decided she needed a full outfit change before we could leave for the farmer’s market.
“What about my cub’s shirt? What if Tanner is wearing his hat? We should match.” She runs back to her room, and I hear the ruffling as she changes. She comes back out in the shirt and overalls.
“Perfect. Now let’s go. Aunt Laurey and Uncle Rhett are waiting for us.”
“Wait.” She flies back into her room again and when she comes back out, nothing is different.
“What did you change?” I ask.
She peeks into the pocket at the top of her overalls. “I have some dollars. Tanner gave them to me for helping babysit the sheep. I can buy something.”
“How much?” I ask and when I lean over, I see a wad of cash and some loose change in her little front pocket.
“Tanner gave you this?” I pull it out and count out over a hundred dollars.
She nods. “It was all he had in his pockets.”
“Okay, well let’s slow down. This is a big amount. Let’s take just a little bit, and you can save the rest to buy something nice.”
“Well, I already used some to buy him his hat.”
I shake my head and hand her one of the ten-dollar bills and put the rest away, earmarked with her name on it.
We head down to the now blocked-off main street and find Lauren in a light blue sundress that reveals her little baby bump. She sips a big plastic cup of lemonade while Rhett rubs her back.
“Oh, Win!” Lauren waves us over. “Come try this!”
Both sides of the street are lined with tents and vendors, selling their vegetables, fruits, baked goods, and jellies. A guy has his guitar case open for tips as he plays in the center of the people-packed road. The entire street is more alive than I have seen it all summer.
Winnie happily accepts every sample that is offered her way. She gets a little face painting of a paw print on her cheek at one tent and gets a water balloon yoyo from the next.
Then I see the tent before Winnie does, but only for a few brief moments. I watch Tanner as he shuffles through the flower stems in buckets of water. He trims them and arranges them carefully. A piece of plywood rests in front of his tent and is roughly painted with the words, Auclair Gardens.
“Tan!” Winnie lets go of Lauren’s hand and dives through the crowd, right up to his stand.
“Auclair Gardens?” Lauren looks at Rhett. “Did you know he was going to do a stand?”
“I heard you’re the mastermind behind it,” a voice behind us says.
We all turn to find Mayor Dan Auclair standing there with his hands on his waist. He’s wearing jeans and a Green Branch Football T-shirt.
“He told me that it was your idea, Hannah. To do the fair and to open the farm up. All of it. I never thought he would actually do it.”
“What?” Lauren asks. “Become a farmer?”
Dan chuckles and bobs his head “Yeah. That. But also, I don’t know. He’s always been one to do things because it was the right thing to do. For the first time, I feel like he’s using his heart. You and Winnie sure have found a big place in his.”
“Excuse me.” I shuffle away from them and wind my own path through the crowd to Winnie and Tanner. Streaks of hope foolishly spread through my heart. Maybe it’s not really over.
Upon my approach, Tanner straightens, then blinks at me and the light of hope disappears. His mom is in the back of the tent, preoccupied with some women who stopped to chat.
“Mommy look!” Winnie bounces. “Tan and I are matching!”
I open my mouth to speak, but the words don’t quite make it. What do I say? I’m proud? I’m sorry? I love you? All true, but the defeated look in his eyes says he wouldn’t believe me anyway.
“For you, Winnie.” He hands her a bouquet of nothing but white lilies.
“Thank you, Tan. I’m going to show Aunt Laurey.” Winnie spins away.
“Can we please talk?” I ask him. “It can be quick.”
“I already know,” he says and messes with the bundle of flowers he is wrapping up now. “I talked to Dollie.”
“I tried telling you and you weren’t at work, and you wouldn’t answer my calls—”
“I get it. You always told me you were going to leave. I should have believed you. Maybe even from that very first day in Chicago I should have believed you. I mean, you sure as hell warned me enough times.”
He’s giving up.
“Tanner, it wasn’t my choice—”
“Tanny.” Dollie’s familiar tone splits the air, and it may be the first time I don’t actually want to see her. “Look at these beautiful flowers. I didn’t know you were going to have a stand here.”
“Yeah, it was Hannah’s idea.” His eyes are locked on mine. Solid. Stony. Something I didn’t know his eyes could ever be.
“Well,” she shifts her gaze between us, just as unsure as I am about what to do with this coldness from him, “I think it’s brilliant.”
He nods once then forces his eyes away from mine and finishes wrapping some yellow flowers in brown paper. Then he ties them with twine and hands them to me.
Yellow carnations. Unrequited love.
He once said to start with flowers. We’re not supposed to be ending with them. I nod, bite the inside of my lip and force myself to walk away with my unreturned love weighing me down.
I return to Lauren and Rhett. Mayben, Jackie and Gwen have joined them and Mayben looks a touch sick as she clings to Jackie’s arm.
“I promise. I’m fine,” she lies.
“Oh, come on.” Lauren loops an arm through hers. “Ginger-ale will help and once you get through the next couple of weeks, you’ll start feeling better. I think feeling sick is just a part of this.”
After the advice I gave Lauren leaves her lips, she sweeps Mayben away to the high school football team’s tent where they’re selling cans of pop for an insane up-charge to benefit their conditioning camp. Their arms clutched together as they whisper and laugh. Like sisters.
Gwen catches my eye, and I wonder if she can see the extra crack in my already broken heart. Her lips pursed to the side.
“Come on,” she says after a moment of pitiful silence. “Let’s go get a mimosa. We deserve it for not being pregnant and it’s the only acceptable alcohol at this ungodly hour.”
With Winnie occupied on Rhett’s shoulders and teasing Jackie, Gwen drags me down a little way to the mimosa tent.
“I know it probably doesn’t help, but I don’t know what Mayben would have done without your sister,” Gwen says to me as we slowly shuffle up the line.
“She doesn’t have any sisters, and I know we are technically sisters-in-law, but it’s just not like that for us.
It never has been. We get along great, don’t get me wrong, but when Lauren came, Mayben found someone who balanced her out.
She’s so happy-go-lucky, and Lauren is her tortured poet other half. It’s a match made in heaven.”
She’s right. It doesn’t help. I have spent my whole life bending over backwards for my sister.
Not that she owed me, but I guess I still thought our relationship would blossom when we hit adulthood.
That we would be more sister-like, but it never became that.
No matter how hard I try. I’ve always been more of a mom than a sister.
“My brothers never seem to appreciate any of the effort I put in. Rhett and my mom had each other. My dad and Jackie were always close. Even my high school boyfriend, when it came down to it, up and left for school and hasn’t looked back since.”
“How long were you two together?”
“All four years.” She shakes her head. “Patrick Fields. He moved here freshman year and we were inseparable. I’m sure his mom was happy when I didn’t make it into Wisconsin like he did. He ended things pretty quickly after he went to school.”
“Have you two talked since he left?”
“Only when my mom died. I do see his mom around town sometimes. I think I’ve seen her do the sign of the cross at the sight of me.”
We order mimosas that are served in those big plastic containers you would be served pasta salad in at the deli counter. They’re filled with ice and topped with fruit and Gwen pays for them both.
We find an open picnic table and sit across from each other, and for the first time, I see this girl, a girl which every room spins around, not have it all. Her million-watt smile is a sad forced grin. Her bright captivating eyes are flickering at her chewed off nails.
“Sorry. I’m not making you feel better.” She laughs.
“Not really. But it feels good to be seen. Maybe that’s more important sometimes. To be seen, not fixed.”
Gwen pops her head up and looks at me with a curious smile. “I like that. Let’s drink to being seen and not being fixed. Being lonely together.”
“Now that is something I will absolutely drink to.”
Our cups nearly crack on impact which causes us both to laugh.
“I don’t get it,” I tell her. “Everyone loves you.”
She shrugs and sips her drink. “They think they love me. But I’ve just manipulated them into loving me.”
“Hannah?” My name pierces through the crowd. It’s Lauren. She’s panicked.
I whip my head around until I see her approaching, the greens of her eyes non-existent as the pupils fill almost every inch in fear.
“What’s wrong?” I leap up and rush to her.
“I’m bleeding.”