Chapter 40
“Go. We have Winnie,” Gwen says. “We’ll distract her and take her back to the apartment.”
I don’t even hesitate to throw her my lanyard.
“Rhett is getting my car,” Lauren says as we approach Mayben and Jackie who are sitting with Winnie at a picnic table. All sipping ginger ales.
“We have her.” Gwen squeezes my arm. “I promise.”
I look around like I am looking for something, and I’m not even sure for what exactly until I meet his eyes, and they soften instantly.
“There’s Rhett,” Lauren says, and I turn away from Tanner’s gaze and follow her down past the cones blocking traffic and fly into the car
“Are you cramping?” I ask her.
“I don’t know. I thought maybe, but I also thought I just wasn’t feeling good. I never feel good.”
Rhett reaches over and takes her hand, and we sit in silence all the way to the hospital. Once in the door, the nurses have Lauren in a wheelchair, and Rhett is at her side as they wheel her to the back.
“Direct family members only,” the woman at the front desk barks at me when I go to follow. “You can see her once she’s in a room but—"
“That’s my sister?” I tell her.
“Her partner is already with her,” the woman motions to the little waiting room. “You can wait over there.”
I blink at her and find my feet carrying me over to the lobby.
There are few different vinyl seats and small T.V.
up in the corner playing a commercial promoting the “Family First” hospital of Marnmouth.
Outdated health magazines sit crumpled on the side tables, and I never thought I would feel so akin to a damn Health and Wellness magazine.
The flowers from Tanner are clutched in my hands.
I remind myself that Lauren has Rhett. That he has her and it’s okay. It will be okay. I make myself believe it, just so I don’t burst through those doors.
The thought of losing a baby is one thing, but the fear of my sister losing a baby is a suffocating kind of fear.
I check the clock, and the secondhand shuffles along in the slowest ticks I have ever seen.
Then I check my phone, and Gwen has sent me a photo of Winnie laughing with ice cream all over her face.
Gwen: All is good here. This is probably the funniest kid I have ever met. She keeps calling the balcony a bacon knee and then laughing hysterically.
Gwen: Oh! She said Tanner is your boyfriend and that you make out lol.
Hannah: HA. Tell her to stop telling crazy stories.
Gwen: Well, she said in front of him and he didn’t argue... So…
We were dancing on the brink of something really great.
I know that. There wouldn’t be a world in which I was blind enough to pretend like that wasn’t the truth.
But where there are truths, there are also bigger truths.
The ones that are always lurking in the corner, or over your shoulder.
In this case it’s Ethan, who I got an email from last night telling me of his intentions to ask for visitation and asked if we could talk soon.
I marked it as unread and haven’t opened the email app since.
“Han.”
I look up and those broad shoulders and concerned brown eyes are standing there in the waiting room entryway.
Instantly, I feel the tears burn my eyes.
One moment we are staring at each other, the next we are in each other’s arms. I don’t know who made the move, but it doesn’t matter.
Not right now. I lean fully into him knowing if he were to let go, I would probably crumple to the floor right here.
His hands rub at my back as he holds me up, as usual.
I pull back after a moment and meet his eyes. “How are you here? What about your stand?”
“My mom is manning it. Luckily, she doesn’t have to keep anything alive. Just accept payments.” He smiles only briefly. “How’s Lauren?”
“I don’t know, she’s bleeding and they wouldn’t let me back—”
“That’s okay.” He sits us in the closest couch. “She’ll be okay and she’s not alone. She has Rhett.”
Nodding, I look down at my fingers as I wring them together.
He’s right, and I know it. But when you spend your whole life taking care of someone else, it’s hard to just hand that job over to someone else.
To not be the one on the emergency card.
To let someone else be that second person with them in the hospital room.
“When did you decide to do a farm stand?” I ask, looking for any distraction he could give me.
“The moment you told me I should. I had always thought about it, but I don’t think I would have tried it if you hadn’t encouraged me to.”
“Your dad said you’re opening the property up?”
He nods. “I’m thinking about opening in the spring and doing a soft launch. See if there’s even any interest.”
“Winnie will probably be the first one there on opening day.”
“The cow is doing well. You can tell her that,” he says softly, throat bobbing. “I hired Taylor and Shelby’s younger brother, Bailey, to help around the place a few days a week. Mayben almost killed me for stealing him from the diner for a few nights.”
My heart aches at the fact that this should be a conversation on the phone in bed. Or over dinner. Or sitting out on his front porch. We shouldn’t be catching up after weeks of no contact. I shouldn’t be relying on wearing his flannel to bed every night to feel close to him.
He folds my hands into one of his and settles my bouncing leg with the other. Typically, it would set me on fire, but right now, the fleeting gesture grounds me.
Faces come and go from the waiting room.
Names are called, people are discharged, and hours tick by.
Shadows cast along the waiting room walls, each one growing longer and softer as it shifts into evening.
My mind is in a sort of spiral that goes between concern for Lauren and the comfort that having Tanner with me brings.
We talk about the flowers he wants to plant this fall, and what Winnie’s has been up to at the Y.
I don’t bring up going back to Illinois.
He doesn’t bring up why he ended things.
Neither of us say much of anything. Not really.
The waiting room is mostly empty when the double doors finally open and out comes Rhett.
“Everything should be okay,” he says immediately, and I almost register surprise in his eyes at the sight of Tanner.
“The bleeding stopped, and the heartbeat looks strong. They’re going to keep her overnight.
She already made me order one of those heartbeat monitor things.
They said visitors will be best once we’re home. ”
“I will call Gwen and have her pick me up,” I tell him. “I’ll swing by tomorrow when you guys are settled.”
Rhett glances over at Tanner then narrows his eyes back on me. “Alright. Thanks for coming with us. It meant a lot to Laur to know you were here.”
He slips back to the emergency department and Tanner nods toward the door.
“What?” I question.
“I’m driving you home,” he states and begins to walk away.
“I said I can get Gwen—”
“Hannah. I am going that way. I have to swing by the fair and make sure my mom closed everything up anyway.”
The disappointment is heavy in my gut when I accept his pity convenience ride. We don’t speak until we are sitting in the parking lot back behind the apartment once again. Neither of us makes a move to get out.
“I’ll let Lauren know you came,” I tell him and he frowns at me.
“I wasn’t there for her,” he says, and there’s a hint of annoyance in his voice. “Don’t get me wrong, I care about her, and I was worried, but I wasn’t sitting around for hours in the waiting room for her.”
“What do you mean?” I know what he means, I just need him to spell it out. I just need something.
He runs his hand down his jaw. “When you were leaving, you looked at me and I just, I needed to be wherever you were.”
“You went and sat in the hospital waiting room for that whole time because of me?”
“Not because of you, Hannah.” He picks up his hand and motions to me with the first ounce of true frustration he has shown toward me. “For you. Was that not where we were headed? Being there for each other? Being on each other’s team?”
“I’m not the one avoiding you,” I say quietly. “I don’t have unanswered texts and calls from you in my phone last I checked.”
His jaw clenches and I almost spot tears in his eyes. “Yeah, but you are the one leaving."
Beg me to stay, I think. If he knows I’m leaving, why isn’t he asking me stay?
Because right now, with tears blurring my vision, I can’t promise I won’t give in.
And I open my mouth to argue, fight, anything.
But before I can utter a single word, he unlocks the doors and gets out.
Leaving me in his passenger seat, unmoving.
When I finally make myself get out of his truck, I leave the carnations behind.
Upstairs, I find Gwen and Winnie at the coffee table with a pizza, Uno cards and in a deep conversation about which card is a nine or a six, despite the line under each number.
“Hey you two. Did you scare Mayben and Jackie off?”
“They just left. Mayben was falling asleep. How is everything?” Gwen asks.
“Good. She’s good. What’s going on here?”
“Aunt Gwen says that the six has the bubble on the bottom, but I thought the nine had the bubble on top.”
“That’s the same thing—” I begin to say but Gwen just nods with a laugh.
She points to the pile of cards off to the side. “We went through and got rid of every nine and six in the deck.”
“Remember, we said six has a big belly and nine has a big head because he’s older.” I ruffle Winnie’s hair. “It’s bath time for you. Do you want help? Or do you want to do it your—”
“Myself.” She pouts and begrudgingly stands and goes, leaving us with beers on the couch.
“So.” Gwen sighs and leans back. “I mean, I know Tanner is in love with you, but what is actually going on?” She says it so narrowly and I can’t help but be surprised.
“Nothing,” I tell her. “Not anymore at least. He ended things and my ex is making sure that I can’t move on yet.”
Gwen turns the bottle in her hands and looks over at me, analyzing me. Only like an Atwood can.
“Growing up and still now, Tanner is the best person I know, and he doesn’t go down without a fight.”
I scoff. The past two years have been him doing just that. Fighting. But now, maybe, he’s just finally hit his limit. Just like my dad did. Just like Ethan did. I’ll be damned if I beg a man to stay when they don’t want to, again.
“I don’t know what else you guys have going on, but nobody, and I mean nobody, has seen him as happy as he’s been this summer. Even since he came home from the city after he met you, he’s been different.”
“Mom!” Winnie calls. “I got Tanner wet!”
Gwen’s eyebrows pop up.
“Her stuffed sheep,” I clarify. “Her fish is named Tanner too.”
I go in and Tanner sheep is bubbly, wet and slumped on the edge of the tub, dripping onto the floor below.
“Baby, sheep don’t like water like this. Especially stuffed sheep. I’ll try and wash out the soap and then dry him but then you need to finish up if you want to watch a movie before bed.”
I take the toy sheep and show Gwen back in the living room and she does a terrible job at stifling her laughter.
“She loves him,” I admit and ring out as much water as I can into the sink.
“The sheep or its namesake?”
“Both.”
She laughs again and stands. “I should go, but just so it’s on the record, Tanner is absolutely in love with both of you. I can tell you have some shit going on, but he’s crazy about you. Don’t give up on him yet.”