Chapter 44
Iknow I shouldn’t have married Ethan. I know I should have left way before a wedding came along.
In my head, though, I had myself convinced that if I worked really hard and stuck it out, it would be okay.
That we would have our little family, and things would be fine or at least fine enough.
He could learn to really love me, and I could learn to love him.
We could mature together past the hormone-fueled lust. I wanted to work for something because I watched my parents fail to work it out for years.
Relationships take work. I believe that.
However, I found myself uprooting everything for him.
I gave up my potential career to be a stay-at-home mom like he wanted.
Moved to his hometown. Lived in a house he designed.
Every move I made was because of him. Every decision I made was in the name of being a good wife.
Of being Ethan’s wife. All of it in the name of being nothing like my parents.
Neither of them bothered to fix their relationship or even try to work on it. So, I was going to work on mine. My dad wouldn’t budge for the sake of his family or wife, so I budged as much as I was asked to.
Every choice I made had been because of a man. Whether directly or indirectly. Fear had fueled me for my entire life. Fear drove me to protect my sister. To protect my daughter. And now it has me frozen, unable to form any real words.
I stand before Tanner on the outskirts of my sister’s wedding reception.
My sweet Tanner, with tears in his eyes—asking me to stay.
Begging me to stay, to figure it out. He had thought Sebastian was Ethan and that I was leaving him to go back to Ethan.
Which in a sense, I am. I am moving my life back to Illinois for his sake.
I’ve told myself it’s for Winnie, but I know better than that.
Of course I want to stay, but it’s not about what I want. I have made too many decisions that have left me in this loop. And if I stay, is it because of him? Is it because of another man?
This is Tanner. My heart says, He isn’t your father. He isn’t Ethan.
“Why not? Why can’t you stay?” Tanner asks, taking a step closer as I take a step further.
“Because. This isn’t my home.”
“Bullshit.” He says the words so fast and sharp that it makes me flinch.
“Excuse me?”
“Damn it, Hannah, choose what you want,” he demands.
“If you want to go, then go. If you want to go work a mindless desk job for your dad, then fine. But don’t you dare act like this isn’t your home.
Since the moment you got here, this has been your home.
My passenger seat, my rocking chair, my kitchen table?
Hannah, my bed? Every square inch of my house— my land?
It’s all yours. Every blade of grass, every damn flower petal on my property is yours.
The flannels in my closet and every shirt in my drawer has belonged to you since the moment I met you.
Since the moment you looked at me from across that rooftop in Chicago, there was nothing else for me.
Nobody else.” He shakes his head. “Your roots are already so buried within this place, within me, Hannah. You can say you don’t want me.
You can say you don’t love me. You can give whatever other excuse you want, but don’t you dare say this isn’t your home. ”
His hands are gripped around the back of my head, fingers threaded into my hair pleadingly as I blink up at him through my tears. He’s looking at me like I might float away. Or like I already have.
“Of course I love you. But it’s not about me,” I whisper, knowing my voice is too weak to speak much louder.
“Then what is it, Han? For crying out loud, talk to me!” His voice is growing in volume and desperation. “Talk to me and tell me what is actually going on here.”
“He wants visitation rights!” The words leap out of me. Like the final knife to the argument.
“Okay?” He looks at me like he’s waiting for more. “And?”
“And? And, my parents are in Illinois. Winnie’s dad is in Illinois wanting possible custody. I was never going to be able to stay. I didn’t know it then, but I can’t be here, not with Ethan still there.”
“It’s only a few hours. He can drive. Hannah, we can drive.” He stands straighter. “If you don’t want that, then I’ll come to you. If you would have me, Hannah if you want this, I will move to you. I will move to wherever you are.”
“I would never ask you to do that,” I say, my heart puddled around me. “That’s what I’m saying. It’s not your home. Your life is here. Your family, your friends.”
“My home is you. Wherever you are, is where my home is. My home is with you and Winnie and I want nothing more than to love both of you, Hannah. In fact, I would really prefer loving you than not.”
My name lives on his lips like his lives in my heart.
There will never be a day in my life where I will not love this man.
I think I knew it, in a sense, back in Chicago.
I knew that my life would never be the same after meeting him.
And now, being loved by him? How could my life ever return to what it once was?
How could I want it to? But how can I stay?
“They’re doing their send-off!” a voice calls out, and I blink at Tanner, then at Elyse waiting on us.
“Let’s go,” he says. “This conversation isn’t over yet.” He nods his head back toward the party, and I follow on floating feet.
“There you are.” Lauren finds me amongst the crowd. “I was looking for you. We are staying at the bed and breakfast in Près du Lac for the weekend, then heading to the airport after that.”
“I’ll be back in Illinois by then,” I tell her and she lets out an exasperated sigh, and it catches me off guard.
“Stop making decisions because of men,” she snaps and I physically recoil. The words slapped across my face. Had she heard my conversation with Tanner? What on earth is she talking about?
“What?”
“You keep making these big decisions because of men. Because of Dad or because of Ethan. You’re letting them win.”
“If I stay, then aren’t I letting a man win again?” I point out. “I have spent so long picking myself up after Dad. Picking myself up after Ethan. And if I stay, and Tanner changes his mind, I don’t think I would be able to pick myself back up again.”
“Letting a man win? Hannah, this is Tanner we’re talking about. You’re condemning him for Dad and Ethan’s sins. You’re letting the worst parts of them, ruin something really fucking good. Stay for the baby, stay for Winnie’s friends or stay for your best friend. I don’t care, but stay.”
“Rhett’s your best friend now,” I say softly.
“I’m not talking about me.” She looks over my shoulder.
“Talk to him, Hannah. Hear him out. Because I think for once you know exactly what you want and it just also happens to be what he wants too.” She grabs my hands and squeezes.
“Let Winnie grow up watching you be loved the way you deserve to be loved and the way she deserves to be loved.”
She kisses my cheek and sweeps away with Rhett waving and smiling to the crowd behind her. I go back in as their truck pulls away, and I slip into the bathroom. There’s a knock on the door as I grip the counter, staring at my reflection in the mirror.
“One minute,” I choke out, but the door swings open.
Tanner steps in and locks the door behind him.
“You have a real habit of following me into bathrooms,” I point out as we stare at each other through the mirror.
His eyes are filled with what I now know is desire. It’s the look he’s had all along, but being under him in bed has translated that expression perfectly for me.
“Paul wanted me to let you know that he and your mom are taking Winnie back to the hotel for the night. They’re swinging by your apartment to get Winnie’s things and then are going to see if they can sneak into the pool after hours.”
“What if he wants more than just visitation?” I ask his reflection quietly. “What if it only gets harder?”
“It probably will get harder. But it’s going to be harder no matter where we are.”
We.
Tanner places his hands on either side of me against the counter.
“Hannah.” His lips meet my shoulder and his mustache scratches at the soft skin and that familiar fire lights in my belly.
“Tanner.”
His open mouth is pressed against the soft spot where my shoulder meets my neck when a knock comes.
“Occupied,” he snaps back instantly, daring the person to knock again.
Then just to me says, “I won’t keep going if you’re leaving me.
If this is over, then I’ll leave. I’ll get in my truck, and going forward, I will follow all of your rules.
But if you could choose me, if you could let me prove myself to you, give me a chance to love you and love Winnie, I’ll take whatever you can give me.
I’ll drive you back to my house, get you out of this dress and get you back in my bed.
We both know it hasn’t just been my bed since you slept in it. ”
I pick my head up and stare at us in the mirror.
“I’ll wait by my truck.” He kisses my shoulder once more, his lips lingering there before he turns, leaving me to face only my reflection now.
Pieces of my hair have fallen out of the bun, my red eyes match the splotches across my chest, and all I can think about is Tanner’s words. His actions. His promises within both. I think about my heart that’s been trapped in its rusted cage, and I wonder if I can risk letting it free again.