Chapter 56
The vast estate comes into view. The haunting reminder that was my prison for years. Vesper’s little hand reaches across the center console. Touch is still foreign to me. Not something I’m used to, but I’m gettin’ there.
“Zain, just know he did the best he could. He tried. That’s what matters. He continues to try.”
I block out her words. She doesn’t understand. She could never understand the feeling of being passed around because no one can fuckin’ handle your shit. What if the minute shit gets hard she leaves me too?
“Stop,” she says sharply. Her hand squeezes my thigh, making me grunt. “Don’t you dare shut me out, Zain. I see the wheels turning. You’re getting lost in your endless stream of thoughts again.”
I slam down on my molars. “Doesn’t matter.”
She digs her nails into my jeans. “I love you, Zain. I wish you could believe me.”
The whirlwind swirling in my insides threatens to eat me from the inside out.
How can she possibly love someone like me?
The words leave her mouth, as if it doesn’t scald her to do so.
Love is a lie. Love is a toxic illusion that leads to feelings.
All feelings do is cause emotional attachment.
But that’s exactly what I am already, isn’t it?
Addicted to her. Need her to belong solely to me.
She’s silent as we pull into the gravel wraparound driveway.
The voices come bubbling to the surface.
I’m driving straight into the abyss. I tamp them down with a slow, measured breath.
I stare mindlessly at my reflection in the rearview mirror.
The same eyes, void of life, stare back at me.
Darkness descends on the horizon in the background.
The shadows of the trees sway in the distance.
Vesper searches my face for answers but finds none.
I pitch forward out of the car, slamming the door closed behind me.
Vesper takes the cue to exit. She stares up at Roland’s estate in awe.
Shit is huge compared to Pearson’s. Her dress flutters in the wind, making her intoxicating scent waft in my direction.
As much as I wanna fuck her to calm my inner demons, now isn’t the time or place.
Gotta keep my shit together until we leave.
“Let’s go,” I bite, snatching her wrist. Her heels slap against the stone walkway as we approach the door.
With each step, my voices grow louder. The memories haunt me. Vesper stumbles behind me, as I drag her up the steps.
“Calm, Zain,” she breathes. Her green eyes offer promise. Safety. Never felt that.
The door creaks open and Roland appears in the doorway. His eyes drift over to Vesper, then to my suffocating grasp on her wrist.
“Ms. Santi, my condolences for your father…” He trails off. His eyes flicker back to me with confusion.
She tries to scoot around me to shake his hand, but I yank her behind me. I got trust issues.
Roland’s brow furrows. “Zain?” His eyes burn into me for an explanation. Might as well tell him. Never gonna hide her.
“This is my wife.”
He scrubs his hand over his face. “You best come inside.”
I nod and step inside the threshold. The same marble floor. The same velvet curtains and ornamental furniture. Nothin’ changes. My insides twist in revulsion. This was never home. Could never be. Never had one.
“Deep breaths,” Vesper’s voice whispers along my neck.
Roland escorts us through the foyer, into the gilded rotunda. Cimmerian glass lines the circular room. Large, engraved panes line each window. The dark depths of the sea can be seen from every angle.
Roland sinks into the beaded armchair and rubs his temples. Something tells me he knows who Vesper is to me. “Zain, you—” he starts.
“You knew?” I cut him off with a sneer. Vesper clings to my arm like a lifeline.
He lets out a deep sigh. His brown eyes offer remorse. “Yes, but I’m not here to shame you,” he says softly. He tilts his head to the adjoining sofa, gesturing for us to take a seat. Not sure if I trust him. She’s been through enough as it is. Won’t let anyone take her from me.
I nod at Vesper, and she takes a seat. I join in beside her, my hand resting on her lap.
Roland rummages for a cigar in his suit jacket. He tosses it my direction. I dig my lighter from my jeans and watch the flame dance over the end of the cigar.
Roland takes a puff of his and looks between us. “First things first. Congratulations, son.”
”Not your son,” I grit, taking a puff of my cigar.
An anguished look washes over his face before he masks it.
“I understand you’re angry. Pearson and Amelia let you down.
Beatrice and I did everything in our power for you.
Therapy. Love. Attention. Money. I’m just sorry it wasn’t enough.
“Vesper remains quiet at my side. I tilt my chin but say nothin’.
Roland sighs. “You’ve been let down by everyone in your life. You don’t trust anyone but Kieran and Vesper. I understand that.”
I go rigid. “You lied to me too. You knew I had a fuckin’ sister. All those years of being alone were preventable,” I growl, springing forward from my seat. The pain I’ve suppressed comes bursting forward. I choke on my words but hold back. Not gonna be weak.
He raises his hands in defense, his cigar smoldering around him in a plume of smoke. Roland was always a soft-spoken fuck with a gentle heart. Too damn soft.
“Pearson wanted to protect Vesper. It was not my choice. Our fear was if we told you, you would cause chaos and upheaval. I love you, son. Your violent tendencies concern us all. Pearson threatened to have you thrown into an insane asylum if we told you. So we did everything under the sun to help you. You rejected it all.”
I shut my eyes and block out the trauma.
“Pearson and Amelia had no clue how to help a troubled boy, but Beatrice and I wanted to give you the world. To help you heal. Your mother did awful things to you as an infant. Because of your hardships, Vesper was able to be saved from her clutches. They removed her at birth before she could do irreparable damage to her too. I’m sure it doesn’t help you have schizophrenia, but it’s treatable. ”
“No,” I say vacantly. My skin turns hot. Sweat coats my palms. My pulse races. I shake violently. Bile coats my throat. I…saved…her.
Vesper runs soft, calming circles over my arm. Can’t face the demons head-on. It’s who I am. Not fixable.
My eyes snap open, drilling into Roland. Good thing about Roland is he doesn’t push shit. When I close down, he shuts up and moves on.
“Mortensen knows,” he says.
I perch my cigar on the ashtray. My fingertips dig into Vesper’s thigh, but she doesn’t react.
He crosses his legs. “I’m not concerned with him going after either of you. No one else knew. It wouldn’t be in his best interest to announce to all of Grimshaw your connection.”
If he reveals our secret, it holds enough force to bring down the Void. It would be suicide. Having a brother-sister Elite duo would make headlines and destroy Grimshaw’s rep.
“I agree.”
“So, I’m safe from being the offering?” Vesper asks. My head snaps in her direction. She’s always safe. No one’s takin’ her from me. That’s exactly why I married her. She’s untouchable as my wife.
Roland nods. “That is correct. The offering is always unmarried. You’re safe.” She noticeably relaxes against me. “What about Clara?”
“Kieran has it handled. Best to not get involved. Don’t need a reason for the Void to come after you,” I explain.
Roland looks unconvinced. It’s slim to none that Kieran can actually fix this mess.
The rules are absolute, or so he says. If he can’t, Vesper’s gotta come to terms with the fact she can’t save everyone from this fucked-up world.
She’s too pure for this shit. I know it kills her knowing she couldn’t save me before this fucked-up world swallowed me whole, but I saved her…
“Not everyone can be saved, songbird.”