Chapter 46
Ryder
Her small, delicate hand felt like the perfect fit in mine.
If she hadn’t let go, I’m not sure I would’ve been able to.
I certainly didn’t want to. I wanted to stay like that forever.
I wanted to tell her that I wrote to my mother about her.
Told her how she makes me a better person.
How she lights up all of my darkness. About how simply being in her presence makes me feel a peace I’ve never known.
But I didn’t. And I won’t. Because she’s forbidden fruit that I will never know the taste of.
“Are you guys sure this is a good idea?” Amaya questions for the third time.
“No, but we’re doing it.” Reign turns to me. “Everything look strapped in right?”
I look her over, motioning with my index finger for her to turn around. I give one last tug on her dagger belt for good measure. “I wouldn’t want to pick a fight with you.”
She tilts her head, looking up at me. “And yet, you take every opportunity to kick my ass in training.”
“Gotta keep you humble.” I flash her a cocky grin and she tosses one of the nearby apples at my face. I catch it and take a bite, earning myself a scoff. “Alright, we better get going.”
I decided going at night would be our best option for slipping into the woods undetected.
This time, we’re going without much of a plan.
Reign suggested we start near the tree where we saw the tree-like creature that is apparently called a Crux.
Other than that, we’re pretty much flying blind.
We packed for a few days, but I’m praying we won’t have to be there that long.
“Love you!” Reign says to Amaya, wrapping her up in a tight hug. “I’ll see you when we get back.”
A minute later, we’re back in the forest of nightmares. The fog is up to her knees, making it impossible to see what lies below.
“Let’s find the tree first and go from there.” I suggest in a hushed voice.
“It should be fairly close by.”
She nods and follows behind, keeping a close distance without me having to tell her. Part of me wonders if it’s because she knows I’ll insist if she doesn’t or if it’s because she wants to be close to me. Probably the former.
“There.”
I look to where she’s pointing and see the tree with the large opening.
“Get comfortable,” I urge. “It might be a while. If the Crux doesn’t show, we’ll venture further out, okay?”
“Sounds like the best plan we’ve got.” She unsheathes one of her daggers and sits down with her back against the trunk. I lean against the tree as well but remain standing.
The fog is just under her chin now and she looks like a predator waiting to attack. Far from the girl I knew at the Sector.
Various sounds echo around us, warning us that we’re in dangerous territory. I can tell by the way she’s fidgeting with the dagger that she’s on edge, so I decide to distract her.
“How are things with you and Delecroix?”
I actually want to slam my head into the tree before the question is even fully out. Why the hell would I ask that? The last thing I want to think about is her and him together. Why was that the one thing that came out of my mouth?
Mother, I’m an idiot.
“Umm, good I guess.”
Cool. So, she’s also wondering why I asked. Idiot.
Still, I can’t stop myself from asking the next question. “You guess?”
“Yeah. I mean, we’re fine.” Not the response I was expecting from someone in love, but what do I know? Maybe she just finds this topic of conversation awkward with me.
I decide not to push it and change the subject.
“So, how exactly do you plan on convincing these beasts to join our fight?”
“I’m not really sure. I’m kind of hoping it just comes to me in the moment.”
I laugh quietly and she glowers up at me, almost looking menacing with the fog around her. “Perfect. This should be easy then.”
She doesn’t seem to find my sarcasm charming. “You got a better plan?”
“Hey, this was your idea. I’m just along for the ride.”
“Well in that case, you can keep your side comments to yourself.”
“Ouch,” I say, sliding down to sit next to her. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
“No, I just—”
Movement nearby has us both jumping to our feet. I don’t see anything, but the hairs standing up on the back of my neck are telling me there’s something out there.
“Come to sssurrender, Princcce?” The woman with a snake-like head and split tongue, slithers out from behind a tree. With the dense fog it’s impossible to tell what her lower half looks like. She dives into the dark grey haze and pops up only feet away from us.
“Cimmerians don’t surrender,” I say in a low, warning tone.
“Sssso then you must be here to die.”
Before she gets the chance to strike, my shadows slice her scale-covered head from her body. They both fall at once, disappearing beneath the crawling fog.
“I don’t like how open we are out here. Let’s move into the tree for now. We’ll still be able to hear if something is approaching from in there.”
Reign picks up the pack carrying the essentials and dips into the tree’s opening. Just as before, she lights a fire, and the orange glow immediately warms the dark interior.
“Has killing always been so easy for you?”
Her question catches me off guard, but something about the way she asks it makes me think it’s been on her mind for a while.“No,” I answer simply, but she doesn’t appear satisfied. “Look, if I didn’t act first, she would’ve. I like my odds better when I’m on offense.”
The light flickers over her face.
“I don’t know how I’m going to do it.” She must notice my confusion because she clarifies. “How do you kill someone who is simply on the wrong side of history? The Throne Room attack was one thing, but it’s so much more complicated now.”
“I wish I could give you a good answer. One that would make you feel better about what is to come. But the truth is, it’s awful.
To take an innocent life means sacrificing pieces of your own soul.
” My words are brutally honest but necessary.
“Each death chips away at you. Do it enough and you can try to convince yourself you’re numb to it but it’s a lie. You’ll feel every death.”
Her eyes drop to where she’s twisting the dagger’s tip into the ground. “The version of you that existed before you were banished…what was he like?”
There she goes again, demanding the truth of my past. Insisting on knowing the darkest parts of me. It’s in her nature to try to understand me. And as annoying as it may be, I’m the same way with her.
“You wouldn’t have liked him very much.” She sits up, eager to hear more.
“You saw the memory of my father ordering me to kill the wolf cub. That was only the start. Cubs turned into people; people turned into armies. There is more to the Great Six Realms’ history than what you’ve been taught.
The relics my father collected over the years came with a price that I can never repay.
There’s no way to explain all of the horrible things I’ve done in my lifetime. ”
“You only did those things because of your father,” she says in an attempt to defend my actions.
“The why doesn’t matter, Reign. I hurt people. Good people.”
“How can you say that? It does matter.” She drops her head. “I have to believe that.”
“Why?”
“Because I hurt people, too. Maybe not directly, but I played a part.”
“It’s not the same. You didn’t kill people.”
“Didn’t I, though? When I set that fire in Nazrelia, it allowed the Royal Guards to capture those rebels. Their blood is on my hands.”
“Their deaths aren’t yours to claim. That was just a game my father was playing with you.
They would’ve been caught and killed regardless of if you were there to help.
My father’s plans for you were bigger than that.
The things he needed you for were going to be far worse than setting a room on fire. ”
“Fine, but if you didn’t send Artemus to save me, then I would’ve ended up just like you.
Just like Kane. Still doing your father’s bidding because that’s how much power he holds over everyone.
” She stabs the dagger in the ground and looks at me with an intensity that wasn’t there before.
“We’re all just victims of your father.” I’m about to disagree when she holds a finger up to stop me.
“I know you hate being called that but it’s true.
Those people you killed and probably even tortured were his victims, not yours.
If that rule applies for me, then it applies for you, too. ”
“Tell that to the soldiers I tore apart. Tell that to the people I imploded, leaving nothing but their memory behind.” My voice is raised, but she needs to hear it.
She needs to know the truth about what I’ve done and who I really am.
“I left children without parents. I cut down innocent people with my shadows. I leveled homes and buildings with people still in them. Thousands, Reign. I’ve killed thousands. ”
She’s silent, finally realizing the monster I truly am.
“You deserved better,” she says quietly.
“What? How can you say that after what I just told you?”
“Because,” she says, pulling the dagger out of the ground and sheathing it. “I know who you are. Despite everything you’ve done you’re a good person, Ryder. And you deserved a better life than the one you were given.”
She means it. Every word of it.
“You give me too much credit.”
“No, I don’t,” she argues. “You just don’t give yourself enough.”
“Yeah, well that was something I was never taught to do. Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. Empathy was weakness. Emotions were unacceptable. Remorse was punishable. For a long time, I wanted nothing more than to make him proud. I sought his approval in everything I did. Even when he whipped me and burned me and cut me a thousand times over. I spent years convincing myself that I had to earn his love through acts of violence, and I was willing to do it. That’s how badly I wanted to be loved by my father. ”
“A parent’s love should be unconditional.”
“His wasn’t. His came with a price that I could never seem to pay.” I shift my attention away from her. “Though my body has been healed of the physical wounds he’s inflicted, the scars he left me with are still there. Hidden beneath the surface and I don’t think they’ll ever go away.”
“Ryder, I—”
I shake my head. “Don’t. Don’t apologize for the monster that is Roman Cimmerian. I’m glad he did those things to me. I’m glad he forced me to become that person. Because that’s the person it’s going to take to kill him.”
“You really think you’ll be able to do it? He’s still your father…”
“Only by blood. Nothing more.” She shifts uncomfortably, not sure of what to say next.
After fighting her for so long, I somehow find myself wanting to share more of myself with her.
It’s a feeling I never thought I would feel with someone.
“Since we’re on the topic, you might as well ask all your questions now. ”
I’ll probably regret giving her permission to access the part of me I try so hard to hide, but I owe it to her. She’s shared so much of herself with me, it’s only fair I do the same. Besides, she’s just going to keep badgering me until I give in. She’s stubborn like that.
“What happened to the girl you used to love?” Her voice shakes slightly as she asks the question.
“Elizabeth. That was her name. She had golden-white hair that would bounce as she walked. She was a chimera made up of fox, rabbit, and bobcat. We met when her father started working as a Royal Guard. Her family lived in the palace, so we saw each other often. It was impossible not to notice her. She had that way about her that just drew you in.” Reign’s eyes fall to the fire dancing between us.
“Anyway, my father found out we had been seeing each other and he ordered me to stop. I naively thought we could get away with it in secret, meeting up in the other realms.”
“And he found out?” she interjects.
“Yeah. He found out. I’m not even sure it was us being together that truly bothered him.
I think it was my disobedience. He didn’t like that he couldn’t control me.
I knew I would be punished, and I was ready for it.
I was prepared for the lashings or burns or cuts he would inflict on me, but they never came.
In my father’s eyes, punishing me physically would simply not suffice.
So instead, he inflicted each wound on her and forced me to watch.
For weeks, he would alternate between torture techniques and all I could do was stand by and watch as it happened.
Even with my power, there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t save her.”
“You can’t blame yourself,” she says softly.
“But I can. And I do. I knew the kind of person my father was, and I was reckless. It was selfish of me to even put her on his radar.” My shadows start to stir beneath me and Reign notices. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, pulling them back.
“That’s why you won’t let anyone else in? Because you’re scared he’ll do the same?”
“No. I’m scared he’ll do worse. Next time, it won’t be weeks. It will be a lifetime.”
Her face looks pained as she takes in everything I’ve said. She turns into the shadows to hide it, but I see the pity in her eyes. It’s exactly what I didn’t want from her.
“And the curse? You’re sure there’s no way to break it?”
“None that I’ve come by. I mean it’s known as one of the three unbreakable curses, so there’s not much hope.
” She rests her chin in her palm. “Why so invested in my love life?” I smirk, so she knows I’m okay.
It’s not that it doesn’t hurt recalling what my father had done, but that was a very long time ago.
“Coming from the guy who was asking how Damien and I are?” She lifts one of her brows.
“Touché.” I tip my invisible hat to her, and she laughs. The sound of it reverberates off the tree’s interior, chasing away any last remnants of my father’s cruelty. “You should get some rest.”
“I’d rather stay up.” She readjusts herself and I don’t argue. I’d be a fool to refuse her company.
It’s not like I have a choice anyway. It’s become a drug for me. Her voice. Her silence. All of it.