Chapter 45 #2
Ryder picks up his packet and then sets it back down, pushing it away. “Okay.”
“Okay…what?”
“What do you want from me, Reign? I’ll look at it.”
I stand up, suddenly eager to be nowhere near him. “Jeez, you could’ve just said that.”
“Is that all?” he says dismissively, not even caring to look at me.
“Yeah. That’s all.” I reply flatly before storming out of the room. I’m so caught up in my annoyance with Ryder that I nearly run into Artemus.
“Whoa there.” He presses against the wall, trying to avoid me.
“What’s his problem?” I blurt out, motioning down the hall to the war room.
Artemus scratches the back of his head. “Oh, yeah. Look, give him a little break today.”
“Why? I didn’t even do anything to him!”
“Today is the anniversary,” he tells me in a hushed tone like he doesn’t want Ryder to hear.
“What anniversary?”
“The day of his mother’s…” he hesitates before adding, “passing.”
A ball of guilt forms in my stomach.
“I didn’t know,” I say in quiet shame.
“I know you didn’t. Don’t worry about it. He’s just not the best at working through negative emotions.”
“Any emotions, actually.”
Artemus chuckles. “So very true.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t take it personally.”
I nod and give him a hug before continuing on my way. The guilt continues to eat away at me, thinking about how hard today must be for him. My mother died when I was three. I barely knew her, and my father left me when I was eight. It doesn’t hurt like it used to.
But it’s so different for him. Even with the years that have passed since, that’s nothing in the scheme of it.
With the royal bloodline, he would’ve spent over 150 years with her.
The thought of losing someone after that long is unimaginable, and it makes me wish there was something I could do to make this day hurt a little less.
It’s not lost on me that this could go very, very badly. In fact, I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t. But I couldn’t sit by and do nothing. It just didn’t feel right. So, I’ll just hold my breath and pray to The Mother I haven’t made a colossal mistake.
“Now’s not a good time,” Ryder grunts under his breath.
“Sure, it is. It’s 10 o’clock at night. What else could you possibly need to be doing?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Planning potential attacks, training, assessing our arsenal.”
“You already have over fifty attack plans ready, you are quite literally the last person who needs more training, and you know our arsenal like the back of your hand.”
“Whatever,” he huffs, quickening his pace so he’s the one leading now.
“Slow down! You don’t even know where we’re going.”
He looks back at me, flaring his arms around. “We’re in the middle of the Shadow Lands. I'm sure I’ll see whatever it is you’re taking me to.”
I do my best to shove down my irritation, but he doesn’t make it easy. Maybe we should just turn back now before things get worse.
“See? I knew I’d stumble upon it, eventually.”
Great. There goes the idea to abort mission.
“Okay, so just hear me out—"
“What is this?” he asks, lifting the big one up.
“They’re lanterns,” I answer, avoiding eye contact.
“For what?” his voice is cold and cutting.
I slowly find the courage to look up at him. “A long time ago, they used to celebrate the dead by writing on the outside of them before sending them into the sky.” He doesn’t say anything. “I just…I thought that it would be nice to do it for—”
“He told you.”
“Yes, but—”
His shadows lash out as his black wings flare behind him. The ground quakes, sending dirt and small rocks into the air around us. I reflexively step back and when I do, he instantly calms his power. Something resembling sorrow or maybe shame, spreads across his face.
“I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.” He takes a step forward and I retreat with one of my own.
I wouldn’t say I’m scared, but it’s unsettling seeing him this way.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper before taking off the way we came. I do my best to walk as fast as possible, too embarrassed that I even thought this could be helpful. I don’t bother looking back. I just want to keep going and forget this ever happened.
“Wait.”
He appears in front of me so fast that he has to grab onto me to keep me from running into him.
“It’s fine. It was a stupid idea. Just forget about it.” I bat his arms away and slip around him. I don’t get far though because he grabs my hand and pulls me back around.
“No, it wasn’t a stupid idea. It was thoughtful and kind and I never should’ve reacted that way.” I don’t say anything, and he doesn’t let go. “Please, comeback and help me?”
The desperation in his eyes could split my heart in two.
I want to run away from this. From him. But I can’t.
So, I let him guide me back. It’s not until we’re standing at the lanterns again that he lets go of my hand.
I can still feel the coolness of his skin linger on my fingertips.
It’s what I would imagine touching a ghost to feel like.
“Okay. So, one for you and one for me, right?”
I should lie. I should just lie and say yes, he’s right.
“Actually, they’re both for you.” I pause, trying to read his face. “You lost two people that day.”
I can see the moment realization hits him. I brace myself, waiting for his power to storm out of him, but it never does.
“You know, he was going to be named Lyric. I don’t think anyone knows that.”
“That’s a beautiful name,” I offer, surprised by his vulnerability. He nods and there’s a moment of awkwardness as neither of us speaks. I think about reaching for his hand but decide against it. Instead, I simply add, “You would’ve been a good big brother.”
He laughs humorlessly. “Yeah, I don’t think so.”
“I do,” I counter almost aggressively. “I see how you are with Emeric. You’re the perfect mixture of tormentor and protector.”
This time he actually laughs and the sound of it relaxes me. “Well, when you put it that way.” He smiles at me, shedding the last of his cold exterior and squats down. “So, what am I supposed to write exactly?”
“Whatever you want. You could write things you wish her to know or tell her how much you miss her or dreams you have for the years to come. It’s whatever you want it to be.” He’s quiet for a long time. “Maybe I should go, so you can have some privacy.”
“No!” He shoots up, reaching his arm out as if to stop me from leaving. “I mean, the company is nice.”
“Okay. I’ll stay.”
He turns back to the larger lantern meant for his mother and begins to scribble something on the outside.
I watch as he works his way around the lantern’s exterior, covering it with words that I have to stop myself from trying to read.
Next, he moves on to the smaller one. There are fewer words on this one, but I’m sure they’re just as meaningful.
“Okay, there they are.” He looks over at me. “Now, what?”
“Now, I light them so they can be sent up to the stars.”
“Do it with me?” he asks, handing me the one meant for his unborn brother.
I nod and light them both with my flames.
On the count of three, we release them. The two of us stand next to each other, watching as they drift along in the dark of night, illuminated by the warm glow of my fire.
I look up at him and see a single tear trickle down his cheek.
He quickly turns and wipes it away. On impulse, I reach for his hand to comfort him, only to regret it a half a second later.
When I try to pull away, he stops me by tightening his grip.
We stay like that, even after the lanterns are no longer within eyesight. It’s as if neither one of us wants to let go. Silence, like the ash dirt, surrounds us. It’s different now, though. It’s not awkward or uncomfortable, but rather peaceful.
Eventually, he softens his grip and I take it as my opening to let go.
“I should’ve done this years ago,” he says quietly.
Again, I don’t have the words to say. “Thank you for doing this. And I am sorry about how I was to you. Not just here, but earlier in the war room.” He shakes his head.
“I don’t deserve you. Your kindness, I mean.
” I only offer a smile in response, but it seems to be enough. “Want a lift back to your room?”
“Sure.”
He wraps his arms around me and there’s a surge of heat that rushes through my body.
“Night, Princess.”
When he vanishes, something inside of me sinks. It’s like every part of me already misses his company. I feel lonely in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. The kind of loneliness that makes you feel like the only person in the world. The kind that leaves you feeling void.
For a moment I think about slipping into Amaya’s room but decide to climb into my own bed instead, because the truth is, it’s not her presence I’m craving.
It’s his.