Chapter Four
Tor
It took Tor a moment to realize what Pel meant. He sucked in a sharp breath.
“No! Pel, I wouldn’t ever. I swear.” He swallowed. “You gave your answer, and I respected it. I mean, if Varex said no, I was going to try to convince you to run away with me, obviously, but I wasn’t crossing that bridge until I came to it.”
Pel scoffed, but it was a little wet-sounding. “I didn’t really think you’d play me like that, but…”
Oh. Oh. Tor’s heart sank. Because Tor had played Pel. It was why he’d been in Tond in the first place. He’d picked Pel because of his weak magical status, knowing Varex would be less than impressed with an Unremarkable royal when there were other, more magical options.
Pel sighed. “I understand what you were trying to do originally. I understand that your feelings changed. But it’s not… It wasn’t an easy thing to hear.”
Tor felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He hated the uncertainty and pain in Pel’s voice, all the more because Tor had been the one to put it there. Pel had decided to stick with him, but Tor realized belatedly that didn’t mean he’d been completely forgiven nor the incident forgotten.
Facing Pel squarely, Tor tried to marshal his thoughts and give Pel the apology he deserved.
“I’m so sorry I put you in that position.
I was selfish. I concentrated only on my needs.
I felt like I was trapped by Varex’s orders, and instead of trying again to really talk to him, I convinced myself that if I could just get around his orders, I’d be able to prove my point.
I was trying to be clever. I couldn’t figure out how to do it on my own, and I picked you for all the wrong reasons. ”
Pel met his eyes. “So you were going to what? Show up, seduce me, and drop me as soon as your brother was worried?”
Tor flinched, but nothing that Pel had said was inaccurate.
Pel blew out a breath. “You realize how insulting that is? How you were intending to use a person like they were a tool? For your whims?”
Clearing his throat roughly, Tor admitted, “You’re right. I convinced myself it wouldn’t do you any harm, that you’d be as relieved when it was over as I was, but really, I was just trying to get what I wanted.”
Tor grimaced at how that sounded, but having nearly lost the other man, he refused to hide anything anymore, even the ugly bits of himself.
Doggedly, he continued, “I was an arrogant ass, which I know you’ve said you don’t mind, in general, but I can see how unappealing that is.
In the beginning, I would have gone through with the whole asinine plan, and I would have missed out on so much.
But you made me work for it, and I realized I liked you. ”
He hesitated for a moment, then reminded himself that they were past the point of no return. If he had any hope of Pel forgiving him, he had to admit all of it.
“There was a little while where I still thought I could do both, that happening to like you and my plan weren’t mutually exclusive, that it was just part of us having fun.
But I realized the morning of the archery competition that my brother wasn’t going to be impressed with any of my plans.
I’d thought I was being clever, and that showy sidestep was exactly the problem.
” Tor’s smile was more of a grimace, the depths of his self-delusion and failures painfully obvious now.
“It turns out I’m quite good at making important realizations right before I ruin everything. ”
Pel was looking at him with a funny expression on his face as he demanded, “Do you mean that?”
Tor nodded. He was done with secrets.
“You realized the plan was terrible before the archery competition?”
Tor nodded. “I was thinking how the whole business with the embankment could have been avoided if your father had simply listened to you. I was getting all the praise for having come in with the showy rescue, but if you’d just been allowed to go through with your plan, it would have been fixed ages ago.
You probably wouldn’t have gotten any praise, but everyone would have been at far less risk.
And I realized belatedly that my brother behaves more like you, and maybe that’s why we kept clashing.
I’d been trying to one-up him, and that was never going to work.
I knew then that I needed to try to convince him another way. ”
Pel was silent for a moment, and then he asked, “So you apologized to me because you actually wanted to?”
What Pel was really asking burst across Tor’s brain. His fingers clenched with the urge to pull Pel into his arms, but Pel’s body language left Tor uncertain that would be welcome. And he didn’t want Pel to think he was trying to solve things between them with touch instead of words.
“Oh, Pel, yes!” he promised. “I guess I can’t prove that now.
But when I messed up at the competition, I wasn’t thinking about my plan at all.
I was thinking about you. How I’d hurt you.
I don’t quite know how it happened, but by then, I knew how much I wanted to be with you.
I’d never wanted to be with anyone like that, so it was actually a little bit terrifying and kind of awesome all at the same time. ”
And only made more confusing by the fact that Pel had made clear at that point that he didn’t want anything more with Tor, or so he’d thought. But Tor had wanted anyway. So much.
Pel let out something that was almost a laugh, but his eyes were still serious.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “You were everything I wanted, and that seemed to be reason enough for me not to get it. Only then you wanted me, too, and I felt so lucky—until you told me it was all a ruse.”
Tor sucked in a breath, wanting to protest, but he couldn’t. The words had come out of his own mouth, after all, and they were perfectly true—except for the ways that they were a complete and utter lie.
“I was really angry,” Pel continued. “And really hurt.”
“You had every right to be,” Tor agreed miserably.
Even having his magic shackled and inaccessible to him hadn’t competed with that terrible moment in the throne room when Tor finally realized what Pel thought thanks to Tor’s own careless words.
Varex could probably be convinced to try to end the bond.
He might even insist on it, assuming Tor was convicted of treason.
If Varex could successfully pick apart the bond first, Tor’s execution wouldn’t potentially harm Pel.
But the attempt to end the bond could harm one or both of them, though Tor wasn’t sure of the likelihood.
Bonds were very rarely severed by anything except death.
That meant that if Varex couldn’t be reasoned with, and if breaking the bond was deemed too risky, then Tor would advocate strongly for life imprisonment. Anything to keep Pel safe.
“But I was also wrong,” Pel said, interrupting Tor’s spiral and making him blink in confusion thanks to the unexpected admission.
Pel added, “I made commitments to you, too. I’d just seen your magic bound, and you were about to be sent to the dungeon for treason when I knew that was incorrect.
Your rescue up the mountain was one of the most amazing things I’ve had the privilege of witnessing, and you were being punished for it.
I walked away in the middle of that. That wasn’t the right choice, either. ”
Tor stared at him. “You were upset. Rightfully so. I totally understand that.”
“And you were a fool. I totally understand that,” Pel sassed back.
Tor laughed a little unsteadily and carefully reached out, keeping his arms wide, desperately hoping.
When Pel came willingly into his embrace, the relief that swamped Tor made his knees wobble. He wrapped his arms around Pel and rapidly blinked his stinging eyes as Pel hugged him back hard.
His side still hurt, and it was kind of hard to breathe, but it felt at the same time like this was the first deep breath he’d taken since he woke up, like something had settled inside him he hadn’t realized was out of alignment.
“I almost lost you,” Pel mumbled into his shoulder. “I’m not letting us stand in our own way.”
Tor buried his face in Pel’s hair. “Thank you.”
He blew out another breath, ruffling the brown strands of Pel’s hair, which was getting a bit long.
There was an audible hitch in his breathing, and he wondered if nearly losing all his magic had messed with his emotions—or maybe Tor had just come perilously close to losing the best thing that had ever happened to him.
He sniffed and pulled back just enough that he could look Pel in the eyes. He remembered when he’d thought their brown inferior to his sibling’s. Obviously, Pel’s eyes were the best shade of brown that had ever existed.
Little drops of rain began to fall. He blinked and ignored them, because he had something important to say.
“I know you wanted to wait. I didn’t, but I respected your choice.
I thought people could only get bonded at a ceremony, and I swear I wouldn’t ever try to trick you into it.
It was all real for me by then, and although I made the terrible decision to hide the truth from you about the original plan, I was—I am—all in for our future together.
As reluctant as I was to admit it, you had a point about speaking reasonably to my brother.
So I know this is quite possibly the most terrible timing ever, and now it’s all mixed up with the treason charge, and I swear I never meant to put you in any sort of danger.
” He cleared his throat and admitted, “But if I’m just speaking selfishly for me, I’m so happy that we’re bonded. ”
That was probably the most graceless speech Tor had ever made, but a slow smile spread across Pel’s face until he was beaming at Tor.