57. Chapter 51
Chapter 51
Raven
M y dagger slid though Caelan’s flesh without resistance. All the resistance was in my heart as it cracked and fell and shattered.
If I hadn’t known a moment ago how I felt about this man, I did now. All that we’d hidden from each other had been laid bare in this moment, when it was too late.
He loved me.
And damn it all, damn my very soul, but I loved him. I loved his kindness and his cruelty, his softness and his hardness, his power and his vulnerability.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I’d never meant anything more in my life and yet the words were so meaningless. They changed nothing, for my resolve did not weaken. The path of my blade did not alter. Caelan had to die.
The Ravager could not be allowed to Bond with his Rider. No amount of love was worth the death or enslavement of every person living. My dagger slid deeper as Caelan’s mouth opened in shock. Betrayal flashed across his face, followed closely by hurt that broke open my heart and spilled its contents all over again.
In another fingerspan I would reach his heart and it would be over. All his pain would end, and mine, soon after.
A powerful grip closed around my hand, halting my dagger. It was Caelan’s hand on my wrist. The sorrow in his eyes was becoming anger.
No! Not yet. Just a fingerspan further.
Baris was already moving towards us. The soldiers encircling us drew their blades.
Time slowed, the last moments of our lives drawing out into an eternity. I felt almost happy to spend that eternity with Caelan’s arms holding me tightly, his hazel eyes on mine. Happy as long as I could push that blade home with all my strength, and then we both could die.
I don’t think so, little bird, said the Ravager. His tendrils snaked into my mind and wrapped around it, the hook returning to pierce my chest. I was a puppet in his hands and my blade had not yet reached Caelan’s heart.
No!
His was the deep voice I'd heard all my life. I’d never tried to keep him out before, but I tried now. With all the strength of will I possessed, I threw up walls inside my mind to block him out.
He blew them away like sand and laughed. You kill him here and you’ll die, little bird. I can’t have that.
What are you talking about? I spat back. I know who he is. I know it’s him you want to save.
The laugh became a roar as loud as the ocean. It pulled me under, drowning me. Though I fought it, swimming for the surface, I knew that my body had frozen again, my mind too weak to fight off the Ravager’s control.
No! I screamed again. Tried to push against Caelan’s grip, but I couldn’t move.
A green flash and I was back in the pit. No, in the cavern above the pit, which yawned beside me like a giant open mouth. It had always been there just behind the blinding green light of my nightmare. I’d just never seen it before. Not when waking or asleep. The Ravager had made sure I didn't.
There were people in the cavern. A young Emperor Calathan and a set of guards. And another man—my father.
He was kneeling beside a young black-haired child who was dirty and small. She had brown eyes.
My father knelt so that his eyes were level with hers. He tucked a stray hair behind her ear. I felt his hand shaking as if I were her.
“Do you know what the most important thing is, little Raven?”
I was her.
I—the young me—shook my head. In one hand I clutched a raggedy cloth animal my mother had made me.
“The important thing is that I tried to do the right thing. The right thing is always the right thing, no matter how it ends.”
I nodded as if I understood.
“Now, how will you know the right thing?”
“It’s what you say.” I was very sure this was the right answer.
My father laughed, but the sound was hollow. “What if I’m not around?”
My blood turned to cold icy water. Why would he not be around?
“The right thing is the thing that helps the most people, no matter what it costs. Do you understand, my precious girl?” He cleared his throat and sniffled.
I was alarmed. I dropped my doll and threw my arms out to hug him. His big arms enveloped me and I buried my cheek in his warm shoulder. It was cold down here. Cold and damp. I wanted to leave.
“Ah, it won’t matter,” he whispered, more to himself than me. “You’ll never have to choose the right thing. And I’m sorry for that, my girl. I am sorry.” I barely heard him say these things, and I could not understand why he said them at all. He hid his face from me as he stood.
As soon as I saw him standing, towering high and strong, I felt better. The line of soldiers behind us did not disturb me. The emperor standing with them was scary, sure, but as long as my daddy was here, I knew I’d be fine.
When he turned to look at me again, he wore a smile. “Okay, little one. Now I want you to close your eyes. Close them real tight and keep them closed.”
In front of us there was a giant hole, and it made me nervous to close my eyes when I was standing so near. But my father took my hand and held it tight, and so I did what he said. I closed my eyes.
“Good girl. Now, Raven, I need you to take a step forward.”
“I don’t want to! I’m scared! I’ll fall off!”
My father’s grip tightened, but he did not force me forward. His hand was shaking again, and his voice quivered too as he said, “That’s alright, Raven. Shall we play a game? Shall we see if we can spin around together? Shall we get really dizzy like we used to in the wildflower field back home?”
The open faces of the red flowers in the field blossomed in my vision and I giggled. We would spin and spin until we fell down. My father reached for my other hand. That’s how you did it, see. You held both hands and spun around until you fell.
We began to turn. I kept my eyes shut. I forgot I was in a cold underworld and I forgot about how strange my father seemed and about the line of men with swords that stood behind us. I laughed and shrieked as we spun faster and faster.
I barely even felt the moment we fell off the edge. I was so dizzy, and the world was spinning, and it wasn’t until I lost my father’s hand that I opened my eyes and screamed.
That was where my old familiar nightmare began and where it ended, but for the first time, the vision continued. Blinding green light surrounded me and a presence—terrifyingly large and ancient—probed my mind. I was picking up speed and then suddenly, I stopped.
My screams raised in volume and pitch as I kicked and fought the force that held me. I couldn’t see my father anymore. I’d stopped falling but he hadn’t.
Silence! commanded a voice. It was very deep. It echoed off the walls of the pit.
I snapped my mouth closed and gasped in panicked breaths as slowly, I was lowered until my feet touched stone. The force holding me let go and the green light receded until I could see my father’s body lying on the jagged stone floor. His back was broken, his head opened, chunks of red goo leaking out.
I couldn’t look at it and so I looked away and saw the egg. It was taller than I was and black. Nothing about it was alive. Beneath it, the stone floor was cracked. There was no green light anymore, only dim golden light that filtered up through the cracks.
Touch me . The voice thundered through me, so loud it would’ve punctured my eardrums if the sound were real. But it was only inside my mind.
“I don’t want to! I’m scared!” I glanced back at my father’s body but it was gone. There was no blood on the rocks. “Where did he go?”
He is safe, little bird. He is above with your mother. Would you like to join them? The voice was much softer this time, quiet and slithering like snakes.
I sniffled. Nodded.
The voice told me to cut myself on the sharp edge of a rock. Shh, shh, it said. I know it hurts. I feel your fear. But don’t be afraid. Lean into the pain. Do you feel its sharpness? Do you feel its burn? Be grateful for it, little bird. Pain is how you know you’re alive.
I did what the voice said and wrapped my arms around the egg in a hug. I poured out my fear through ragged, gasping tears, coating the egg in blood and salty grief.
The voice roared in triumph and I felt his elation as if it were my own. What had I been worried about? All was right. I clutched the hardened egg as if it were my father.
There, there, the voice said smugly. He was less urgent now. You’re a good girl. My good girl. My Chosen.
The vision—the memory— faded and the real world rematerialized around me as horror and denial clenched my stomach. I screamed inside my mind, tearing out the Ravager's hooks with all my strength. But he only laughed again as another voice—a woman’s, this time, recited what I knew in my gut must be the seer’s ancient prophecy.
The one who flies to him with bloodied hand and broken heart Will be his servant, the Arbiter of the Reckoning.
The flier—the servant—it wasn’t Caelan.
You see why I can’t let you die, the Ravager said. You are my Chosen, little bird. You are my Rider.