Chapter 19 #2
She pushes with her shoulder and the door swings open. As the porch lights flicker, he laughs as he pulls away from the curb.
At dinner on Sunday, Roman finishes at a record pace, and is almost ecstatic when Lucy spills hers all over herself, forcing him to change her.
But now they’re getting ready to play a board game and he knows it’s inevitable. Danica sets up everything in the living room while him and his mom stand side by side, cleaning the dishes together. He’s a foot taller than her so it’s easy for him to see the gray streaks poking out through her bun.
His eyes volley between scrubbing the porcelain dish with extra attention and gauging her mood. They had parmesan-crusted chicken with pasta, and he was determined to get the cheese off.
From the corner of his eye, he watches as she squints at a piece of food stuck to the plate, bearing down on the sponge to get it out.
“Hey, is your professor going to let you make up the exam?”
He blows out a breath, clearing his throat and focusing on a glass dish next.
“Oh, I was able to take it.”
The scrubbing to his right ceases. She turns to face him, a breathless laugh escaping her.
“Okay,” she says, drawing out the word, wiping the back of her hand against her forehead. She turns back to the dishes, grabbing a Tupperware container, creasing the plastic as she works the grease from it.
“I didn’t know your sister was free.”
“It wasn’t Danica,” he says as he grabs a paper towel to dry his hands with.
He scratches the back of his neck before adjusting the collar of his shirt. “It was a … friend.”
She blinks, her arms raising in question. “A friend … what friend? Do I know them?”
He avoids her eyes as he grabs another dish, drying slowly. “No, Mom.”
She drops the container, wiping suds on her jeans. She turns to face him, arms crossed over her chest. “Roman Alexander Hayes, have you lost your mind?”
“Mom,” he says through a laugh in an attempt to diffuse the tension, “come on, it’s not that big of a deal. I was in a bind. You couldn’t watch her, and neither could Dan. My teaching assistant offered. It was only for two hours,” he says before meeting her eyes.
All the blood drains from his face when he sees her pursed lips and narrowed eyes.
“Your teaching assistant, Roman?”
“She offered,” he says, abashedly. “I needed to take the exam. What’s the big deal. Everything worked out. I thought you’d be happy about this?”
“What’s the big deal? My granddaughter was watched by a stranger. What if something had happened?”
“Jahlani isn’t a stranger,” he grumbles, shoulders sagging.
“Oh, so now she has a name.”
Roman’s jaw clenches as he works through several deep breaths.
She scoffs, hands rising to the air before they slap down to her sides. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”
At this, he freezes, his shoulders tense. He turns to face her. “What is that supposed to mean?”
She opens her mouth and closes it before pacing the enclosed space. She stops a few feet away from him. “I mean, the bar, college, the money, the bills. What are you doing?”
He snorts derisively. “Being a bad parent, apparently.”
“Roman—”
“No, that’s it, isn’t it? I’m not doing enough for Lucy. I’m making all the wrong choices. I work a low-paying job, and I don’t have my degree because I’m a fuck up, right, Mom? I’m a disappointment?”
She lets out a soap-opera level gasp and lowers herself into the dining room chair with a hand to her mouth.
He closes his eyes, guilt flooding through. Grabbing tissues from under the sink, he drags out the chair opposite her, lowering himself.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell,” he says, placing the box beside her.
“You think I’m disappointed in you?” she whispers—maybe to herself, maybe to him—but he answers anyway.
“Yeah. Sometimes,” he says, scratching the back of his head. He looks up to stare at her. “Are you?”
She meets his eyes as a fresh bout of tears fills. “Oh, Roman.”
He didn’t think it was possible, but he’s fairly certain he hears his heart crack. “Not to parent you or anything, but this is the part where you say that you aren’t,” he says, trying to make light of the situation and failing miserably.
She drops her hand to the table, sniffling. “I don’t want to lie to you, honey.”
He rises from the table, bracing his hand on the back of the chair. “Am I that bad?” He asks, hating the way his voice fractures.
“Ro,” she says, exasperatedly, wiping her cheeks.
“You’re so young, and I guess I just—I just get a little frustrated sometimes with the choices that you make, you know?
” she says, wringing her hands. “And everything that happened with Kareena. I want you to have a good life, baby. I want you to be happy. I want Lucy to be healthy. I want a good life for you. For you both.”
I want Lucy to be happy. A good life for you.
Her words slice through him. Is that not what he’s doing? Is he giving his daughter a bad life?
He nods, unable to form words as he wills the sting in his throat to disappear. He rubs his forehead slowly as he tries to make sense of her words.
“When have I ever told you that I’m not happy?” he asks, blinking hard and fast. “What about my life is so awful?”
He watches as his mom scoffs, wiping under her nose. “How can you be with that job that hardly pays, Roman?”
He pinches the bridge of his nose, taking in a deep, centering breath. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I like working there? That maybe a degree in engineering isn’t what I want?”
“Oh, Roman. Ever since you were little, you wanted to do this.”
He laughs, but it’s short. There’s no humor behind it as he gestures toward her.
“No. It’s what you want. You have this warped idea of what success looks like, and I’m breaking my back trying to give you what you want, but I’m tired.”
She stands from the chair and grabs his arms. “Baby, listen to me. As a parent, you make certain choices for your kids. Your life … it isn’t just yours anymore. You have to think about Lucy.”
“I am,” he says, gritting his teeth. “That’s all I do. Why isn’t it good enough for you? What about me?” he says, pushing a finger into his chest.
Her lips part, and she shakes her head as she stares up at him.
“What about you? You lost the ability to do whatever you wanted when Lucy happened. Your actions got you here. Take responsibility for them, that’s all I’m saying,” she says, pressing her face into his chest. “I love you, Roman. I love you so much. But these are the sacrifices you have to make as a parent—as a father.”
He sighs, resting his chin on her head. Danica rounds the corner, eyes comically wide, and mouths a what the fuck at him.
He shakes his head, raising his eyebrows as if to say I told you so as he rubs a soothing hand down her back.
Clearing his throat, he gently plucks her from his chest, not meeting her eyes.
“I’m gonna head out. Homework,” he says, moving past her and Danica to pick up a passed-out Lucy from inside the collapsible playpen set up in the living room.
He reaches a shaky hand for the door and twists. “I’ll text you when we get in, okay?”
He shuts it, fishing for his keys in his front pocket. Unlocking the car, he starts to strap Lucy inside her car seat. He hears the front door open but doesn’t look up.
“Dude, what the hell?” Danica asks, her tone scathing.
Clasping the final buckle, he triple tugs on it to make sure everything is secure before closing her door. He wipes a hand down his mouth before circling to the driver’s side. He opens the door and pauses, turning to face Danica.
She stares at him with wide eyes, walking forward. The streetlight in front of the driveway illuminates her against the house. The cicadas hum and chirp in the distance, and he wipes at his brow as the humidity causes him to sweat.
“Do you agree with her? Do you think she’s right?” he asks.
She shakes her head. “Of course not, Ro. She doesn’t always know what’s best. That is your kid in there,” she says, pointing to Lucy. “Not hers. You’re doing the best—” She sighs, shaking her head. “You’re doing everything,” she says in a small voice.
“I wish that were true, Dan,” he says, sliding into the car and starting the engine.
“But, Ro. Come on … was it wise to have your teaching assistant watch her? Is that even allowed? Do you like her? Is that why?” He inhales sharply, not saying anything, and her eyes widen slightly. “Oh fuck. You do.”
“Dan, don’t make a big deal out of it. She’s not interested. Nothing is happening. She just helped me out.”
Danica raises her palms. “Hey, man. You do you. Just be careful. You already have a lot on your plate.”
He exhales, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. “I know, Dan. I need to get my kid home and start on my coursework.”
She nods, stepping back. “Okay, just call if you need anything.”
“Yeah,” he says, peeling out from the driveway until she’s a speck in the rearview.
He wonders if Danica is right. Despite everything that’s happened, he’s starting to really like her. She’s headstrong, independent, and sharp in a defensive way that makes him want to know why.
And now she’s met his kid.
But she’s made it very clear that nothing can happen.
So, he’ll have to settle for whatever this is instead.