Chapter 3
—DEVYN
I’d be setting myself up for more heartbreak, but something in the pit of my stomach told me it wouldn’t be that simple.
So, I paced some more, trying to shake off my nerves.
My weed pen lay on the table, so I snatched it up and hit it so hard I started choking.
I hit it again, thinking if I were high enough, I’d relax.
Would he apologize at least? What would I say?
I was angry, but more than anything, he ripped my heart out.
He knew what he was doing. Pursued me, knowing exactly who I was, and not once did he plan to tell me the truth.
He was just going to let me fall deeper in love with him and lie to me every day.
How could he do this to me?
My heart started beating faster, and my hands shook as that nervous feeling crept up my spine. I clasped my hands together, trying to steady them, but it didn’t help. I jumped up from my seat and went into the kitchen.
A little liquor to offset this weed. Breathe, Devyn…
As much as I tried to make myself believe that I was okay with him coming here, I knew it was a lie. This was a mistake, but it was too late to turn back now. I tilted the bottle back, took a gulp, then one more.
I’d done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but this had to be at the top. I went against my own judgment by letting my guard down. Took a chance on love when I knew it wasn’t meant for me. I could have just kept having fun, seeing men when I wanted them, then discarding them when I got bored.
Azani’s approach was different from most men.
He didn’t force me; he guided me. Held my hand when I feared falling.
He even told me he was scared too. Now, I knew why.
He knew I had every reason not to trust him.
I had every damn reason to be cautious. As tough as I tried to be, he bulldozed through my walls and tore them down.
Faster than my heart could understand and more deeply than I wanted to admit.
I walked into the living room, unable to sit down, still pacing. Then, the knock came.
KNOCK. KNOCK.
My heart hammered against my ribs. Tears burned the back of my eyes, and I hadn’t even seen him yet. My stomach was in knots as I walked slowly toward the door. Being mad from a distance was one thing, but if I had to look into his eyes and be mad, that was completely different.
Once I made it to the door, I laid my hand on my chest, hoping my heart would stop beating so hard. That lightheaded feeling hit me, but it was now or never.
Open the door and get it done and over with.
When the door swung open, my heart pounded even faster.
Azani stood there, locs falling over his shoulders.
The hoodie he wore was the same one I'd worn four days ago, and I could smell myself on it. His eyes… they looked exhausted. Even his posture wasn’t the same.
I swallowed hard, realizing he was just as emotionally drained as I was.
His hands were in his pockets. That’s what he did when he didn’t know what to do with them—tucked away so nobody could see that they weren’t steady. I knew him, and right now, knowing that much pissed me off.
Then I noticed he came empty-handed.
“Where’s my stuff, Azani? I asked you to bring it with you,” I muttered, voice shaking.
He didn’t say anything at first. His eyes glided all over me, making my heart beat faster than it already was.
“Dev… let me in. I don’t wanna fight,” he replied, voice rough and raw like it was in the morning when he hadn’t gotten enough sleep.
I stood there, debating whether I should. My mind was going in circles as we stood in front of each other. But I deserved an explanation. I had to know why he’d hurt me like this. My hands gripped the door handle, swinging it open, hoping his body wouldn’t touch mine when he walked past me.
His eyes went straight to the box and bag by the door, then back at me.
He took a deep breath before he stepped inside without touching me, but I felt him anyway.
I closed the door softly and walked behind him toward the living room.
He stood in front of the couch, hands still in his pockets, staring at me.
“Can I sit?” he asked softly.
I couldn’t make this easy for him. After days of crying, trying to figure out what I did to deserve this, he deserved my anger.
“Since when did you need permission to do anything? Do what you want…” I scoffed, plopping on the other end of the couch.
He closed his eyes slowly, jaw clenched tight, and took another deep breath, as if what I said hurt him. But if I was hurting, everybody involved had to hurt too. He sat down, placed his hands on either side of him, and just stared at the wall in front of him until he turned to me.
“Are you going to tell me why you came without my belongings? I specifically asked for them so we can just be done,” I spat, folding my arms across my chest.
At that moment, I was pretending. What I really wanted was for him to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. But that would take away the little power I still had over my own life and decisions.
“We can’t be done,” he muttered, reaching into his pocket and placing something on the table.
When I saw what it was, my throat burned. It was the necklace he got for my birthday. The day he told me outright that he loved me. We spent the entire time there, making love, memories, and promises to each other, when he couldn’t keep any of the promises to me.
I pulled my knees up to my chin and stared at the necklace, thinking about how happy I was that day, how he paid attention to my wants and needs even before that. How easy he made my life, and how soft I’d become by being with him.
The tears I’d been holding in fell from my cheeks, right onto the material of the leggings I wore. Anger started bubbling over from the pit of my stomach right to my heart.
“Why?” I croaked, cutting my eyes at him. “Why would you do this to me?”
He just sat there, watching me, thinking of what he could say to make it better. But nothing could make this situation better. He lied to me. Betrayed me when he could have just told the truth.
“I fucked up, Dev… it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m sorry.”
“That doesn’t answer my fuckin’ question,” I hissed, planting my feet on the floor and wiping the tears from my eyes. “WHY?”
My anger was running over. Pretty soon, I knew I wouldn’t be able to control it.
Azani just looked at me and sighed. “You wouldn’t have agreed to this either way. I did what I felt was right when everybody else couldn’t figure out what to do.”
“That wasn’t your choice to make! I had no say in any of this. That’s not fair,” I replied, voice cracking.
“I know. But I didn’t have a choice either… I just wanted you to choose me. I ain’t want this shit to happen. No matter what you think about me, you know I couldn’t fake loving you. You feel it… this thing between us.”
“But you knew the whole time, and you hid it from me,” I cried. “You’re a liar. If that’s love… I don’t want it.”
He scooted closer to me, and I moved back, trying to protect myself because if he got too close, I’d fall apart. He stopped moving but didn’t go back to where he was before.
“I did lie about who I was to you. I hid it from you. Schemed and plotted to make sure you chose me. But one thing I couldn’t lie about is how much I love you.
If you don’t feel like shit else was real…
know that’s something I would never lie about.
I don’t have nothing to lose… I already lost it,” he said, raking his fingers through his hair.
His hands shook as he stuck them back inside his pockets.
I tried to convince myself that he was still lying.
That he never cared and he never loved me.
But looking at him, I knew the truth. I knew he loved me, and I hated myself for knowing.
I hated that I couldn’t just erase him. I hated how I wanted him to heal me…
to touch me. To kiss me. All the things I shouldn’t want him to do after what he’d done.
My heart felt like it was bleeding, and looking at him, his was too. I sobbed into my hands as he moved closer. This time, I didn’t move.
“Baby… I’m fuckin’ sorry,” he said, low and rough. “Whatever you choose, I have to take it, but I won’t be the reason you don’t get to live. If all you want is to keep up your end of the arrangement, I have to be cool with it. I don’t have a choice.”
The harder I cried, the closer he moved, until he was right beside me. When he reached out to touch me, I didn’t pull away. I fell right into him and cried into his chest. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tight. My body shook as he pulled me into his lap, burying his face into my shoulder.
His heart pounded against me. His breaths came in faster, like he was trying to calm himself and me.
But he didn’t let me go. My arms wrapped around him.
I needed to feel close to something. My whole life was in shambles, and his body was the only thing that felt normal. It was my safety and my calm.
I buried my face into his neck, letting him soothe me.
I couldn’t do this on my own. My heart and my body were betraying my mind.
Being this close to him was what I was trying to avoid since the truth was revealed to me.
The longer we stayed holding each other, the pain in my heart subsided little by little.
His heart wasn’t beating as fast. His breaths came in slower. He still held me, but not as tightly.
“I need you, Dev. Nothing else matters to me,” he murmured, pressing his face into my neck and rubbing my back in slow circles.