Chapter 3 #2
The truth was, I needed him too. To become so emotionally dependent on someone and lose it is what hurt the most. If I had a problem, I called him.
If I wasn’t feeling my best, I’d fall into him and let him love me through it.
If I was unsure, he was my biggest cheerleader.
He let me talk about nothing and actively listened.
He anticipated my needs before I could voice them.
That’s what I was losing. Not just a man who gave me the bare minimum, but one who showed up in every area of my life.
My heart ached because how could I ever trust him again? But being in his arms felt secure. Like nothing could touch me and penetrate the shield he placed over my life. It wouldn’t last, no matter how much I wanted to believe this whole situation was an illusion.
Here we are, on this couch, wrapped in each other.
Hoping that if we touched long enough, it would heal us.
Both of us were shattered and broken, but for different reasons.
I couldn’t let go. I needed to hold onto this for as long as I could.
Finally, I sat up, wiping my face with my sleeve, and just stared at him.
His hands slid down to my waist and settled there.
I pushed his locs from his face, fingers gliding across his scalp, and he closed his eyes, leaning into my touch.
My palm slid down his face, and he opened his eyes, staring back at me.
His defenses were down when he walked through my door, but even more now.
Mine were down… more than I wanted to admit.
“I love you…” he whispered, holding my waist more firmly, then loosened his grip.
I leaned into him slowly, not sure if what I was doing was right, but at that moment, it felt right.
The closer I moved, the harder my heart pounded.
His chest rose and fell faster, but he didn’t move.
Then, I kissed him softly, pressing my chest into his, my hands moving right to his hair, rubbing his scalp like I always did.
His palms glided up my back, holding me.
My lips moved from his lips, along the side of his face, to his neck.
He let out a shaky breath and held me closer.
My hands moved, sliding them under his hoodie, rubbing up and down his chest. I felt how his body responded everywhere I touched him.
How his muscles coiled, then relaxed. He tried to let me control what was happening by not taking the lead.
When I pulled back, he stared at me. Eyes low from what we both felt.
My body trembled because I knew what I was about to do.
No matter how loud my brain screamed for me to stop, I couldn’t.
I pulled his hoodie up and over his head.
Then came his shirt. He still didn’t say anything. Just heavy breathing and eye contact.
I pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it aside. The cool air against my bare breasts made my nipples tighten. He still didn’t move his eyes from mine. When I stood up to peel my leggings off, he leaned forward and gently grabbed my hips.
“You sure?” he asked.
“Yes,” I whispered, lying to myself and him.
I wasn’t sure, but I knew what would make my heart not hurt as much. It was him. My heart needed him. If I fought it, I’d just be left with nothing but pain.
His palms slid down my thighs as I pushed the leggings over my hips. Once he kicked his shoes off, I was back in his lap, kissing him hungrily.
His hands moved over my body with so much hesitation. Like, he didn’t want to hold me too tight, but he couldn’t let me go. He laid me down gently across the couch, hovering over me, lips moving from my neck down to my chest.
Usually, he’d hold me in place, try to control what pace we moved. But not this time. Everywhere his lips landed, he looked up at me for reassurance, not just to see how I reacted to his touch. His kisses felt heavier, more needy, almost desperate.
The person gazing into my eyes wasn’t the same Azani from a few days ago.
This one held me differently. His tone of voice was different.
His telling me he loved me didn’t make butterflies swarm in my stomach; it was something much deeper.
How he looked at me… that was what made me tell myself that this was what I needed to feel better. To get my heart to stop hurting.
And for now, it was working. I couldn’t focus on what would happen later as I closed my eyes, letting him kiss my worries away. He pulled my body to the edge of the couch, sliding his hands under me, and holding my legs in the crook of his arms.
He looked at me one more time, trying to make sure I wanted this. I nodded slowly, still not sure but wanting this anyway. My breaths came in shallow, stomach tightening, anticipating what he was about to do.
When his tongue finally touched me, my whole body trembled. I reached down, gripping his hair as he stared at me, licking me slowly, back and forth. Almost light and feathery, making my hips jerk up into his mouth. His palms rubbed up and down my thighs as his hands shook.
Azani was gentle with me so many times, but tonight, I could feel his fear pouring out. Just from the way he would grip my thighs, then go back to rubbing. His tongue stiffened, flicking faster as he groaned into me, making my heart race. He closed his eyes, humming.
Why did I let him get this close? But I don’t want to stop.
He dropped my left leg and slowly pressed his fingers past my folds, curving them upward. My body did what it wanted, thrusting my hips forward, but he didn’t stop. He stayed right where he knew would make me fall apart. His lips wrapped around my clit, and my back arched.
“Don’t stop! Please!” I cried, staring down at him.
Each breath I took came in shorter. Every time he thrust his fingers inside me, it felt like electricity shocking my body. I wrapped my left leg around his neck, trying to keep from ripping his hair from his scalp because of how he made me feel.
I rocked my hips, unable to control what we both knew was coming. Azani hummed into me again, holding my right thigh tighter. My legs clamped around his head, and he didn’t even try to pry them open; he just kept the same rhythm that had me losing my mind.