Chapter 10 #2
He didn’t ask for permission; he just pulled me into his arms and held me tight. The tension in my body drained as soon as our chests touched. It was like he was siphoning all my pain and pulling it into his body so I wouldn’t hurt anymore.
This is the love that was meant for me. How did I end up with tolerance?
Alonzo held me against him for a long while.
By the time he let me go, I felt restored.
He stood from the stool, then helped me off mine.
We stood face to face, taking each other in.
I knew a lot of time would pass before the next time I saw him, so I made sure I remembered how he looked.
Every line in his face, how many greys were scattered across his hairline.
How he still looked like my twenty-one-year-old Lonni in so many ways.
He leaned and kissed my forehead gently. “Until next time, Vivi. I love you, always.”
“I love you, too,” I whispered, wishing this wasn’t goodbye.
Alonzo walked out, leaving me there. I grabbed the rest of my drink and tossed it back. I finished off his too, staring at the clock on the wall, knowing Reagan was expecting me home in the next half hour. Using the last bit of strength I had, I pulled on my coat.
When I stepped outside, Lonni was already gone, but his presence lingered. I got in my car and drove off. Going home was the last thing I wanted to do, but this was my life.
I decided to take the long way home. It gave me a moment to reflect on my life.
Choices I’ve made, sacrifices I had to live with, and truths that refused to stay buried.
As I parked my car, I took a breath, preparing to walk into the house that I tried to make a home, but most days it felt like a prison.
Getting out of my car, I noticed the lamp in the front room was on, which meant Reagan was waiting for me.
He would be up waiting for me. It’s only 8:30… I should have stayed out longer.
But I was tired. Today was emotionally draining, and I didn’t feel like dealing with whatever was on his mind tonight. I hung my coat in the coat closet and kept walking until I reached the front room.
The lights were dim, and the TV played lowly in the background. Reagan was sitting in his favorite chair, lazily holding a glass in his hand like he’d been drinking for hours. When he looked up, his gaze moved over my face, then he turned away.
“You were with him, weren’t you?” he said low and rough.
I wouldn’t lie. For what? If this were years ago, I would have, but not now. Not when I’d given this marriage, his family, and mine all that I had.
“Yes, I saw Lonni. We had a drink. We talked about our grandchildren,” I said plainly.
He turned to me slowly, shaking his head. “You’re never going to stop loving him, are you?”
He answered his own question, but who was I to deny him confirmation?
“Never,” I said confidently. “I didn’t choose this life, Reagan. It was chosen for me.”
He laughed once, then looked away. “I know,” he said quietly. “I’ve always known.”
“Then why ask?”
I didn’t wait for a response; I didn’t care.
I just walked off, climbing the stairs. The closer I got to the top, the tighter my chest became.
The door to my room was straight ahead, so I picked up my pace.
When I opened the door, I kicked my shoes off by my bed and went to my closet, clicking on the light.
I reached up on the shelf and pulled down the last of many memories. The box was worn and tattered. It used to be turquoise, but it had worn down over time. I sat at my vanity and pulled out the items one by one.
Photos of Lonni and me. We were sixteen and seventeen in the first one. That was the night I got my first kiss. The next one was the day I lost my virginity…
And it hurt like hell. My Lonni was the perfect gentleman, though.
The third was his twenty-first birthday.
We were color coordinated. In Miami, away from our families.
We loved each other so freely that week.
I’d never forget it, and he didn’t either.
The last picture was maybe three months after I had our daughter.
It was the last day I spent with him… and the day I told him that I would go through with the marriage to Reagan.
Right behind that was a pink ribbon. Still soft but now worn from time.
This was for the girl I never got to hold.
The one who grew inside me, but she never got to see my face.
My father and Alonzo’s father took it all from me.
Forced me to sign my rights over to a stranger.
They used their power for the wrong things and ended up getting Reagan involved.
That’s how Black Crow came about. It wasn’t Reagan alone, but he surely took the fall for it. I didn’t notice I was crying until a tear dropped on my hand. I didn’t even try to wipe them—I needed to cry and release the pain I felt daily.
There was one more item. A purple bow… For Sevyn.
Another child. Another loss. Another life I let slip through my hands.
I spent a lifetime keeping the truth buried, and now it was destroying the one person I tried to protect.
I couldn’t fix the past, and I hoped I wasn’t too late to fix the future.
I dropped my face into my hands, silently asking God to give me grace. To help me grieve the losses that kept piling up. And more than anything, I prayed that my granddaughter would find her way back to me and forgive me for making history repeat itself.