Chapter 16
—AZANI
It had been three days since Devyn’s studio got bombed. Three days of me thinking about what I’d do to Shadow once I found him. He was a slippery mothafucka. We kept letting him slip through our fingers, but when I caught him, I’d make him beg me to kill him. That was a promise.
I kept running different scenarios through my head. What if we didn’t get the intel we needed to get her out of that studio in time? What if she stayed home and a sniper was on the building next to hers and killed her? I wouldn’t survive that shit.
Devyn stirred in her sleep, then her body shifted again, and I heard her sniffle. I rubbed her back, hoping she was having a bad dream, and she’d go back to sleep. When I heard her choke on a sob, I knew she was awake.
She lifted her body slowly, then sat up with tears streaming down her face.
“It’s… it’s my baby’s birthday,” she cried. “I gotta go see her.”
I pulled her back down and held her against my chest while she cried. Her breath kept catching, tears sliding down my chest. My baby was broken, and there was nothing I could do about it.
“I know, baby,” I whispered, rubbing her back. “Ima make sure you see her today.”
Her body clung to me until she finally settled down enough to raise her head. She stared at me, cheeks still wet with tears, then lay her head back down, rubbing my chest.
“You know… about Sevyn and Syncere?” she whispered.
“Yes,” I said quietly.
Her body went still. She stopped rubbing my chest, and it tightened.
When she looked up at me, it was written all over her face.
She thought I killed Syncere, but I didn’t do it.
I was too deep in my own grief from losing Mariah and Zariah.
I’d stopped watching Devyn. The last boyfriend I ran off was Nathan.
“Did you kill him, Azani?”
“No… I didn’t do it, Dev. I was dealing with—” I caught myself because right now it was about her. “The last boyfriend I had anything to do with disappearing was Nathan. By the time I started watching you again, it was the dude from New York.”
She stared at me like she was trying to make sure I wasn’t lying. My eyes didn’t move from her, but my arms tightened around her body. I didn’t want to lose her… not because of something I didn’t do. Eventually, she relaxed, then sat up slowly.
“You would tell me if you knew, right?” she asked with fresh tears rolling down her face.
“Yes, baby. I wouldn’t keep that from you.”
“Okay. I’m gonna shower. Come with me,” she said quietly, wiping tears from her eyes.
She slid off the bed, and I followed her.
The weight she was carrying was so heavy that she could barely pick her feet up off the floor as she walked.
After she set the shower temperature, she turned to me, arms wrapped around her body.
I knew today would be hard for her, but I’d sit in it with her for as long as she let me.
“I don’t know how I’ll make it through today,” she whispered. “I just… I wanted her so bad, and my body wasn’t strong enough to keep her safe.”
“Dev,” I said, moving closer and closing the space between us. “It wasn’t your fault. Don’t do that… not today, baby.”
“If not me, then who? Who else? Who else do I blame? Why did she have to go?” she cried, leaning into me.
“Nobody’s to blame. Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control. Please don’t do this to yourself. Not on her birthday. She knows you love her, Devyn. Nothing can change that.”
How do I help her grieve this when I’m standing in the same fire?
Still, I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry while the bathroom filled with steam. The longer I held her, the less she cried.
“Come on. Let’s take a shower so we can see Sevyn.”
She nodded, then lifted her arms so I could take her nightshirt off.
I undressed, then pulled her into the shower with me.
Devyn laid her head back on my chest as we stood under the shower head.
She kept her eyes closed, arms wrapped around me so tight as if she needed me to hold her together.
What she didn’t know was that I needed her way more than she needed me.
I knew we couldn’t stay here all day, so I grabbed her washcloth, sat on the shower bench, and pulled her between my legs. When I started washing her, she started crying again.
“Thank you,” she said, barely above a whisper.
Once I finished bathing her, I washed myself, then sat her on the side of the bed while I found her something to put on. The whole time I dressed Devyn, she cried. When I helped her unwrap her hair, she was still crying.
Listening to her cry was breaking me. I didn’t know what would make her stop, but I was getting desperate.
After we were both dressed, I held her hand as we walked downstairs.
Vic stood by the front door, and I could hear movement throughout the house.
As long as the threat was still active, I’d have this house locked down.
Nobody was getting in this bitch without looking down the barrel of my gun or one of the niggas in this house.
When we reached the bottom of the steps, Dev looked around but didn’t say anything to anybody. Usually, she’d say some slick shit to Vic, but it never came. He just gave me a look, and I shook my head. I led her into the kitchen, where the balloons and cake were for Sevyn.
Her head hung low as she walked beside me, but I hoped this would cheer her up.
“Look, baby,” I said, squeezing her hand.
She raised her head, and her eyes moved all over the balloons. It would have been Sevyn’s seventh birthday. I didn’t know if there was anything symbolic around it, but the look on Devyn’s face told a story.
The balloons were custom. Some had her name written out. Purple ballerina slipper balloons. Regular ones with confetti inside. Anything that would make Devyn feel better. She dropped my hand and walked over to where the balloons were, then her eyes fell on the cake.
It was shaped like a ballerina slipper, too. Devyn turned to me slowly, and instead of crying, she was smiling softly.
“When did you do this, Azani? Thank you so much… I love you,” she whispered.
“Last night, and I know. I love you too. Come here.”
She walked back over to me, and I wrapped my arms around her, hoping she felt safe with me. That she knew she could lean on me, and she didn’t have to hide her grief from me.
“I don’t like seeing you cry, Dev. That shit don’t sit right with me, but I know this is different. You don’t have to feel this alone. I’m here. You know that, right?”
“Yes. Can we go now? I always go early,” she asked, rubbing her hand up my chest to my face.
“Yeah. You want some tea before we go?”
She shook her head, then grabbed my hand, pulling me toward the door. When we got there, Vic was holding a bouquet of purple flowers. I didn’t know what kind, but they were pretty. Something I knew Devyn would want to leave for Sevyn.
“Thank you, Vic… for everything,” Devyn said, grabbing the bouquet.
“You know I got you.” Vic smiled.
The nigga hardly ever smiled, but he could tell she wasn’t herself, so he did something he knew would make her happy. When I told him last night what today was, he made sure he grabbed something too.
Vic opened the door and stepped outside first. The rest of the security was already hopping in their cars. When I helped Devyn into my truck, she grabbed my hand and puckered her lips. I smirked, leaned in, and kissed her.
“There go my Bratty Baby,” I said against her lips.
I didn’t know how today would end. I just prayed that Dev didn’t cry another tear. My heart couldn’t take it.
The ride to Sevyn’s gravesite was silent.
I didn’t turn on any music; I just held Devyn’s hand the whole way there.
Her hand shook in mine, no matter how much I held it.
She kept her knees tucked under her chin, tryna hold herself together.
The pain she felt, I knew it too. I just never got the chance to hold my daughter.
As we were pulling up, Vic and the rest of the security team circled us, making sure everything was secure. Once Vic nodded at me, I went around to let Devyn out. The wind was blowing hard, but the sun was bright, so I could see Sevyn’s headstone from where we were.
When Devyn stepped out, she held the flowers close to her chest and looked up at me. Her lips were already trembling.
“It’s alright, baby. Ima be right here with you. Let’s go see your lil’ ballerina.” I rubbed my hands up and down her arms, tryna get her to calm down, but it wasn’t working.
I grabbed her hand anyway. Devyn was dragging her feet, tryna take deep breaths the whole way. When we finally stood in front of her headstone, her knees buckled, but I held her against me.
“Sevyn,” she mumbled. “Happy Birthday, babygirl. Mommy loves you so much.”
Devyn’s whole body shook while I held her. She started moving closer to the headstone. When we got right on it, she fell to her knees, but I came down with her. She set the flowers down and leaned into me, tracing her finger across Sevyn’s name.
Sevyn Syncerity Malcolm
“You’re seven today. Mommy’s trying to get through it. It’s hard. I haven’t been the same since you left.”
I envied Dev a little. She had a place to sit with her daughter—a place to talk to her without looking crazy.
All I had were memories of her moving around in Mariah’s stomach and the last sonogram picture.
I would give anything to at least have a place to visit her.
But I stayed in the moment with Devyn, swallowed the lump in my throat, and just held her tighter.
“When I get home, I’m gonna cut your cake and have a big slice just for you. I hope your daddy is celebrating with you today. I miss you both, and I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.”
When Devyn started singing ‘Happy Birthday,’ that shit broke me. I couldn’t hold it no more. I spent all last night and this morning holding it all together, but being here, hearing her talk out loud, watching her sit in her grief—I’d finally reached my limit.