Chapter 16 #2
I ain’t wanna cry in front of Dev, but this shit cut me deep. Even though I tried to keep my breathing normal, she noticed. She turned her head and looked up at me, and I turned my head, wiping my face.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” She looked so confused and just as heartbroken as we both felt.
“My bad… I ain’t mean to be doing all that.” My voice shook no matter how much I tried to clean that shit up.
“No… absolutely not,” she said, grabbing my jaw. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
I closed my eyes, hoping another tear wouldn’t fall, but Devyn wasn’t having that shit.
“Tell me. Whatever it is, I’m here for you, too. Look at me, Azani.”
When I opened my eyes, she was staring right at me. She wouldn’t let me look off. I couldn’t pull away because she had my jacket balled up in her hand.
“Her name was Zariah. Mariah was due to have her on September fifteenth. They didn’t make it, Dev,” I muttered, trying to wipe my eyes, but she already beat me to it.
“How old?” she whispered. “How old would she have been?”
“Ten,” I choked. “My babygirl would have been ten.”
Devyn looked at me like she was seeing me for the first time. Like she was calculating how many times I got quiet out of nowhere. When I took too long sitting in my truck. How I reacted when we saw babies in public. When we saw that family in Aspen.
“Your tattoos… Mariah is on your chest. And the Z on your forearm… it’s for them. What happened?” she cried.
This was why I never wanted to talk about it. Once I told her, there was no going back. But I knew if I didn’t, she would think I was hiding something.
“The arrangement says we can’t have outside children.
So, Asad killed Mariah while she was pregnant with Zariah.
I don’t have a headstone to visit them. Just one sonogram of Zariah.
A few pictures of Mariah and the last voicemail she sent me.
He took everything from me,” I muttered, closing my eyes, tryna remember what it felt like to hold Mariah’s stomach for the last time.
Dev climbed onto my lap and wrapped her arms around me. I held her just as tight, and the pain got a little less the longer she held on.
“Baby, I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry you had to carry this alone.”
We both sat there in our grief. We lost our babies.
Lost the people we loved, and now we had each other.
I had to find a way to put all our broken pieces together so we could stay whole.
I hoped Devyn finally understood that most of the time, I operated from grief and knowing that someone may try to take her from me.
It could be Asad, Black Crow, or Shadow.
Either one would have to come through me to get to her.
She was my reason now. I wasn’t eager to do dangerous shit for a thrill or to feel something.
Loving Devyn was dangerous enough. She held my heart, no matter how damaged the shit was.
If anybody threatened what we had, I’d kill them. No hesitation.
When she pulled away, she stared at me for a while, then brushed her lips against mine.
“Let’s go home. Have a slice of cake with me. For Sevyn and Zariah.”
She stood up, then waited for me to pull myself off the ground. When I did, she grabbed my hand and held it tight.
“I won’t let you go as long as you won’t let me go,” she said softly.
“I won’t. Never,” I muttered.
As we walked to the truck, my legs felt heavy, but I pushed myself. Once we were in my truck, Dev glanced at me, folding her hands in her lap.
“Can I see her sonogram? Do you have it?” she asked.
She was asking me to share something with her that I hadn’t shared with anyone else aside from Mariah.
But I’d share it with Devyn. I fished my phone out of my pocket and scrolled to the folder where I kept all my memories.
The first face I saw was Mariah's. Devyn leaned over, peeked at the picture, and she smiled.
“She was beautiful…”
As I scrolled, she laughed at pictures of me without my locs. Outfits she couldn’t believe I wore. But I didn’t feel jealousy coming from her. Just curiosity about who I was before life grabbed me and beat me down.
Zariah’s sonogram popped up, and I froze. God must have known I’d never be able to hold her, because even in black and white, I could see her clearly. Little hands waving. Outline of her face. My baby. Still alive, tucked in her mother’s stomach.
“She would have been perfect, Zani. I know she would have. I know what it feels like to be loved by you, so I know you loved them.”
My chest was so tight thinking about the times that I resented Devyn for existing. Blaming her, the arrangement, our families, and anything and anybody else. I never knew that I’d love Devyn like this. I didn’t know she’d love me back.
“I did. I love them still… . I just don’t have anywhere to be with them,” I said quietly.
“You do,” she said, grabbing my hand. “In your heart. Forever. Let’s go home.”
Today wasn’t what I thought it would be; it was something better. Even in grief, Dev showed up for me, and I let her. I didn’t hide it because she wouldn’t let me. Our love grew at this cemetery, and I would never forget it.