Chapter 35
Candace
“I’m not panicking,” I shout at Court, who’s been eyeing me the entire time I’ve been getting ready.
“Down, girl, I never said you were. It’s the first day back, and you’ve had a triggering week after running into emo Barbie in therapy. I’m just making sure you’re stable enough to drive.”
She’s right, I’m an unstable wreck. Running into Nat yesterday threw a wrench in all the work I’ve done.
Every part of me wanted to rip her eyes out and laugh while she melted into the floor, unable to see a drummer play live ever again.
I know this all sounds harsh, but this is the personality that surfaced after the fire.
Dr. Wilder says I’m stronger than ever, but to me, it feels scary unveiling this side of me.
The language I use and the thoughts I have come from a dark place I’ve never been to before.
“Like the good doctor says, she’s not in control of me anymore.
I’m my own woman. Today’s not about her and her laundry list of issues.
We have a lot to plan today for the new school year, and the absolute last thing I need to do is worry about interacting with someone capable of throwing a world-class tantrum.
I’ve already raised two daughters and I'm not about to do it again.” I apply a light layer of pink blush, bringing life back into my face.
“You forget how well I know you. I watched you for months, there’s a psychopath-sized hole in your heart and she’s the only one who can fill it.
You two won't ever be done. Whether that means you’re destined to be together or forever forced to destroy one another.
It’s not going to be as easy as ignoring her in the hallway, and you need to accept that if you’re planning on ever moving on. ”
“One flaw with your logic. There’s absolutely nothing left for her to destroy.” I say with a long exhale, feeling defeated.
“Oh, trust me, she’ll figure it out.” Before turning away she gives one last supportive nod.
This summer, my heart didn't merely break, it shattered into countless pieces. Nat took everything from me. My soul is empty now. If she’s able to destroy what's left, it won't even matter. I’m a shell of the woman I once was. Sure, I may be stronger in some aspects now because I’ll never trust anyone again.
What’s hiding inside is a crippled, lonely woman who’s scared to death she’ll never find her way back to herself again.
“Candace, it’s great to see you on time this morning.” Betty hollers from down the hall.
“Nice to see you too, Betty.” I nod and open the door for her, allowing her plenty of time to get all her crap organized.
Truth be told, none of this feels right anymore.
The rush I used to feel walking into this room is gone, and there’s been a pit in my stomach all morning.
Not one part of me wants to conduct this meeting, and it’s not entirely Nat’s fault.
Over the summer the doctor and I uncovered a few things about my life.
For starters, I was using this group as a security blanket to deal with my own insecurities.
The feeling of total power and control, even if it’s over a few middle-aged women, greatly boosted my self-worth.
Now that I no longer have that blanket, I recognize it for what it really is and am not interested.
All the breath from my lungs exists, and my lips part, desperate for me to regain some oxygen.
My eyes water and my chin wobbles a little as I do my best to remain calm and not sob right here at the table.
While handing out the new calendars, I feel her presence before she speaks.
Goosebumps ripple up my arm reacting to her in a familiar way, and I do my best to stay focused on my task at hand, ignoring her.
“Oh fantastic, you’re still with us,” Betty drawls. “And you haven’t changed your wardrobe at all. I was hoping you would’ve grown up over the summer, but I see you’re still a child pretending to be an adult.” She jabs at Nat, who’s now quietly pulling out her chair.
“Great to see you too, Betsy.” Hmm. I look up, making sure it’s actually Nat. No overly rude or sarcastic comments, no throwdown or girl-on-girl fights at the table either. Obviously she went with the classic Betsy instead of Betty, but that's kiddie pool stuff compared to what she’s capable of.
Our eyes don’t meet. Instead, she types away on her phone, disregarding the looks from those around her. No doubt, the gossip train has been working overtime, and I’m positive these women have heard about my house and our relationship. If they have no one's been brave enough to say anything.
“Hopefully you all had a restful summer and are ready to get to the grind. A few changes will be made immediately, and my hope is everyone will get on board quickly. I’ll be delegating more to our Vice President.
Betty, I'd like you to run a couple of meetings a month and take over control of the Homecoming dance.” My voice shakes at the end because that definitely caught Nat’s attention.
Her stunned expression stays put, eyeing me wide, completely shocked.
She turns to Betty who’s sporting a million dollar smirk that’s making me physically ill.
“Of course, honey. You’ve been through so much and I’d be more than happy to give you a much needed break.
Not all of us are lucky enough to get that.
Thank you, Candace. Truly, what an honor this is, and you’re such a sport for bowing down gracefully. ” Betty says, waving at me to sit down.
The meeting runs long with Betty’s new ideas on how to better the PTA.
Somewhere she got lost in translation and now thinks she's running the show. Who even cares anymore? I should’ve just resigned and let her unleash hell on these women like she wants.
If she wants the title, I won’t fight it—may she flourish with the power.
“Why the hell would you let Botox Betty run the show? She’s about to ruin your dance,” Nat sneers from behind me as we leave the room.
Distancing myself from her, I head to my car, avoiding another fight, especially at school in front of my girls.
They don’t exactly know the details of that night.
Obviously, they’re knowledgeable about the fire, but they aren’t aware of Nat’s involvement.
They’ve asked about her almost every night this summer, and I’ve deflected the best I could, but I finally gave in and admitted we’d broken things off.
Hearing their hearts break almost hurts as badly as my own.
“Guess I’ll just see you in therapy,” she calls out just as I’m leaving the building. She’s baiting me. She wants me to play her childish game, but I’m refusing.
Deep breaths, Candace. Remember, everything Dr. Wilder’s taught us.
It’s hard to remember anything when the smallest thing sets me off.
The way she walks through the classroom, without a care in the world.
How she approached me and had the balls to suggest I’ve made a mistake delegating to Betty.
Who the hell does she think she is, and why does she give a shit what I do?
Looking off into the rearview, I watch her pull out in the same old car that’s moments away from falling apart. Even watching her drive makes me homicidal, and I wonder how long being the bigger person will actually last.
I'm in such a sour mood that if voluntary sedation were an option, I'd be the first to sign up. What should be twenty minutes of errands expands into a complete waste of an afternoon. My prescription was delayed, and the pharmacist didn’t seem bothered in the slightest when I explained how dependent I am on it. When I got back in the car, my back left tire was flat, which has never happened to me. Not having anyone around to help, I called a tow truck and pleaded for immediate assistance. Hours later, after pouting in a grocery store parking lot, I miraculously made it to my sister’s before midnight when the code to the parking garage didn't accept the password.
The garage attendant runs over to help with the new code Court forgot to give me. “What took so long? I thought you’d be gone half an hour?” Court asks concerned as I make my way through her kitchen on a mission to find alcohol.
“Yeah, so did I. It’s been one hell of a day and I need a stiff drink. Give me whatever you have,” I demand, not caring if I sound like the world’s biggest troll right now.
“Here.” She hands me a shot glass with clear liquid, and I down it before asking what’s in it. “Gotta be honest, I’m a fan of the new you. The swearing threw me off, but the school night drinking is very entertaining.”
“Mom, we saw Nat today.” Right as the alcohol is warming my tummy, the twins run in and say the one thing I wasn’t prepared to hear.
It’s no surprise they saw her. She teaches at their school and they’re all obsessed with each other. This annoying tick in my brain is drilling into my skull, giving me a blinding headache, and my left eye twitches listening to them go off about all the new bands their bestie told them about.
“She said if we didn’t buy the new Taking Back Sunday album, we’d be doing our growing brains a disservice.
So can we? Can we go pick it up tonight, please?
” I can’t tell which twin is asking because I’m spiraling down a tunnel I can’t find my way out of.
I’m trapped within my own mind, seeing visions of Nat and me holding hands, walking down the street.
All the times she glanced my way during a meeting, and how light I felt after every stolen kiss.
“No,” I say sternly. “We’re not going out. I’m going out.” Panicking, I fumble around my purse trying to find my keys.
“Candace, don’t do this,” Courtney warns, already predicting my next move.
“They’re allowed to have a relationship with each other, with or without you.
Going over there won’t do any good, and you know it.
Whatever manic state you're in can only be solved with an Epsom salt bath and a good night's sleep, not going over to poke the bear.”
“I’ll be back soon. Make sure they go to bed on time.” Without looking back at the disappointed twins I left in the kitchen, I storm out the door. There’s so much pent-up rage that the thought of going one more night without ripping the skin off this woman would kill me.