Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
Sophia
Bryson is different now. He’s lighter. Like having the weight of his secrets off his shoulders has softened him. He smiles, laughs… jokes. That deep simmering intensity is still there, but the dark cloud over his head has lifted. He finally seems free.
I hope he sees the same in me.
With him back in my life, I feel like it’s complete. I feel more like myself again, more than I have in a really long time.
We just go together, him and I. Nothing crazy needs to be said or done, there’s no sky highs, or crazy lows. There’s just us, happy and together.
Every day is somehow better than the one that came before it. Even when parenting a toddler is hard, or I’m feeling exhausted, it’s more bearable knowing that I have him in my corner – looking after me.
Josh is back in my life regularly, and while that’s a source of stress for me, he’s amicable at least. He’s behaved so far, but given the fact that I have a new phone number, live at my parents, and have blocked him on all forms of social media, it’s not like he has much choice but to leave me alone. For the first few months I made sure my dad was there when we had the scheduled visits, and now that he’s taking her for the whole day unsupervised, we meet up in public spaces if my parents can’t be around. So far it’s working for us. He’s made a few inappropriate comments when he’s had the chance, but nothing that has felt threatening, just slightly delusional perhaps.
I think he truly believes that one day he’ll get me back. I don’t know if it’s some type of coping mechanism he learnt in jail, or if it’s a weird fixation he has with something he can’t have – maybe it’s about power or control, I really don’t know. But I also don’t care. He’s not my problem anymore. It’s never going to happen, regardless of how well behaved he is.
I’m here for my daughter. That’s all there is to it.
He's had Aria for the whole day today, something that is becoming a weekly thing. I worry the entire time she’s gone, but it does seem to be getting easier. I didn’t stress clean the whole house today, so that’s something. It’s progress. I wouldn’t go as far as calling it trust, but it’s something.
I don’t think he’d do anything to harm her, he really does love her, but then again, I thought he loved me too, and that didn’t stop him from losing his cool.
At least he can’t drink anymore. Not if he wants to stay out of prison, anyway. His probation conditions are firm and well checked. If he gets found with drugs or alcohol in his system at one of the random drug tests, he’s at risk of getting thrown straight back in there.
I got to the carpark about thirty minutes early today, in the hope he might show up early too, but no such luck, he was here five minutes late, and he’s still pissing around trying to find her favourite blanket in the wreck that is the back seat of his car.
“I have a spare at home, but I think she knows it’s a different one,” I tell him.
“Maybe I left it at home,” he calls over his shoulder before diving deeper under the passenger seat. “Oh wait, here it is.” He emerges triumphant, the small blanket clutched in his hand.
“Thanks.” I take it from him and put it in her car seat with her, knowing full well I’m going to pry it from her grip as soon as she’s asleep and wash the crap out of it.
“I keep forgetting to ask you, who is ‘Bear’? I offered her a teddy but she tossed it away and got grumpy with me.”
My body stiffens. I knew this day would come, but I’m not sure I’m ready for it to be now. I don’t want any drama, I’ve had enough to last me a long time.
Aria is talking so much now, and getting clearer by the day, it was only a matter of time until she talked to Josh about Bryson. Thankfully she still calls him ‘bear’, and not by his real name, but I doubt that’s going to last for long.
I finish clipping her into her car seat and straighten up to close the car door behind me. Aria doesn’t need to listen to what this potentially could turn into.
I’m incredibly grateful right now for the decision to do the handover in a public place; this isn’t a conversation I’d want to have on the street outside his flat, but I do wish we were at my place, with my dad watching cautiously from the kitchen window.
“What?” I ask, blatantly trying to buy myself more time.
“She keeps asking to play with ‘Bear’, go and see ‘Bear’, and telling me that ‘Bear’s funny’. What’s she talking about?”
I shift my weight from one foot to the other. I want to lie. I want to tell him that I don’t know, and then get in the car and go away from here to where he can’t question me. But I can’t do that, and more than that, I don’t really want to. I want Josh to know that I have a life now, that I have people who love and support me.
“She’s talking about my boyfriend.”
He balks at the word. It’s obvious that’s not at all what he’s expecting me to say.
“ Boyfriend ? What the fuck?”
“Yeah. We’ve been together for a while now. Aria really likes him. He spends a lot of time with us.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to be happening,” he retorts.
I can see it there, simmering beneath the surface. The rage . He’s controlling it, but it’s still there, and it still scares the shit out of me. I can’t let him know that. If I give him fear, then I give him power.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. It’s not happening. I won’t allow it.”
And there he is. The real him.
I don’t know where he gets off thinking he has any rights to allow or forbid me from doing anything, but its sounds like he’s shown up today with the audacity and the delusion.
“It’s not your decision,” I say calmly. “My love life doesn’t need your approval.”
“Like fuck it doesn’t. I have a right to know who’s playing make believe with my family.”
“I’m not your family.”
“Like hell, Sophia. You can’t just bring some guy into the picture without telling me. Fuck that, that’s my kid, and you’re the mother. I’ll –”
Suddenly my spine feels like it’s made of steel. I’m sick of his threats, I’m tired of his influence, but most of all, I’m exhausted from sitting back and taking it.
“You’ll what ?” I interrupt him. “You might have hit me, knocked me down, made me feel like shit... Like a scared little girl in my own home, but that’s over now. I’m not a scared little girl anymore, Josh, and I won’t let you push me around, and no way in hell will I ever let you lay a finger on our daughter.”
“I’d never hurt Aria,” he hisses.
“I bet you’d have said the same thing about me once and look where that got us.”
“Let it go, Sophia, I’ve changed.” His eyes narrow as though I’m the unreasonable one.
It’s funny, because the man in front of me right now hasn’t changed at all, he might be clean and sober, but he’s still an outrageous prick.
“Maybe you have,” I retort. “But you don’t just get to say that and have me blindly believe you. I don’t trust you, and it’ll take you the rest of your life to earn that trust back. I will never give you the benefit of the doubt again, but I will tolerate you – as long as it’s what’s best for her.”
“And what’s best for her is having some boyfriend of yours hanging around? What if he’s a creep?”
“He’s not a creep. ”
I don’t even know why I’m bothering to engage in this pointless conversation with him. It’s not going to get either of us anywhere. I knew he wouldn’t like me dating, this isn’t a shocking revelation to me, regardless of how ridiculous it is, but I’m also not going to let it stop me. It’s time I did what was best for myself for once.
“You don’t know that,” he argues.
Contrary to my clearly stellar history with men, I in fact do know that Bryson isn’t ever someone that Aria will need to fear. I trust Bryson with my life, and more importantly, I trust him with hers.
“I think I’ll rely on my judgement for that.”
“She doesn’t need a new daddy, Sophia, her daddy is right here.”
And what a prize he is.
“I never said anything about her having a new father, Joshua. He’s my boyfriend. He’s not here to replace anyone.” I sigh heavily.
This conversation is draining the life out of me. I’m ready for this chat to end. Josh, however, is not.
“Who is he? I want a name,” he demands.
I’m officially done with this. His voice is getting louder and louder and we’re drawing concerned looks from people passing by. I’m shaking, but I’m managing to keep it to a minor tremor in my hands. I don’t want to let him see my fear any more than I want him to believe he can control my life.
I take a deep breath.
“Let me make this crystal clear to you. You don’t get to tell me how to live my life. Outside of Aria, what I do is none of your fucking business,” I reply, my tone low and steady.
He looks shocked to hear me speak to him like that. He’s not used to this version of me. The one who’s learned to stand up for herself. He only knows the old me, the meek, timid girl who put up with his bullshit time and time again. The one who folded under pressure and did what she was told.
That’s not who I am anymore, and the sooner he realises that, the better.
He looks like he’s going to react, maybe even fly off the handle, but he takes a deep breath, seems to compose himself and turns to walk away.
He doesn’t even bother to acknowledge the end of this conversation; he just walks away from me. So, when I hear him mutter, “You’ll be my business as long as I say so,” I know I wasn’t meant to.
I tell Bryson about what happened with Josh as soon as I get Aria down for the night. We don’t keep secrets from each other. He’s my sounding board, and I’m his. There would be no point in trying to keep anything from him anyway, he knows me too well. He can read me like a book. As soon I walked in the door this afternoon, he knew I was rattled.
“I don’t like it,” he says once I’ve finished telling him everything that was said.
“I don’t like it much either, but that’s what he was saying, and he wasn’t happy.”
“I couldn’t give a flying fuck if that piece of shit is happy. All I care about is you and Aria.”
I know he’s wound up, and I shouldn’t be enjoying it, but there’s something about Bryson’s protective side that really gets me going. It’s so sexy, and it makes me feel so safe. I know he’d never let anything happen to us.
He’d die protecting me and my daughter. There’s not much more you could ask for in a man.
“Me and Aria are happy, Bry.” I take his face in my hands and kiss his lips. He’s tense, but I kiss him a few more times until I feel him loosen up. “If he wants to be delulu enough to think he gets a say in my life, then we can let him. It’s not going to make any difference.”
“Is he going to lose it when he finds out your new boyfriend is me ?”
That is the only thing that really worries me now. Because he’s going to do more than lose it, he’s going to go nuclear.
My face must give away how concerned I am about exactly that.
He sighs. “Just tell me.”
“I am worried he’s going to blow up. He’s got this… thing about you. I don’t know for sure, but it seemed to be a common theme that your name was always linked to him hitting me. ”
“ My name?” His voice cracks so hard the words are barely audible. “Why my name, Sophia?”
I haven’t really told him this part of the story. Not entirely. I sort of skipped around the edges of it. We’ve never really delved that deep into the whole thing and all the gory details – I haven’t wanted to damage any part of us with too many memories of him .
“I don’t know for certain. I never asked him, but I assumed that he knew I liked you in school and he was jealous. It wasn’t until it’d happened a couple of times that I realised your name had come up, or there had been a picture of you, or something to do with you, each time he’d flown into his drunken rages and lashed out at me.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Sophia, I had no idea it was my fault.”
He looks like his soul has just been crushed.
“ None of any of that was your fault,” I promise him in a rush. The last thing I want is him feeling any sort of responsibility.
He can barely even look at me.
“Bryson.”
He doesn’t lift his head.
I scramble across the couch and climb into his lap. “Don’t you dare . This is as much your fault as it is mine, and that’s not at all, okay? We didn’t do this. He did. Even if we had done something wrong – which we didn’t, it wouldn’t have made it okay.”
“I know you didn’t do anything; I know it’s not your fault. Shit, I know it’s not my fault either, but fuck , the fact that he hurt you over me… it kills me. Pains me like I threw the punches myself.”
He’s got such a soft heart. The gentlest of men.
“He’ll never touch you again,” he vows.
I know there are no guarantees in this world, but I feel safe knowing that Josh would have to go through Bryson, and that if he did manage to catch me unprotected, he’d likely wind up ten feet under for his troubles.
I know now that it took every ounce of Bryson’s self-control not to make Josh pay last time. That the only thing stopping him was me and Aria still being in that house. That’s not the case anymore, and this isn’t something he’ll overlook twice.
“I think we should just tell him. Get it out of the way and then whatever is going to happen can happen?” I suggest.
“I don’t know, baby, he’s a dangerous guy. It doesn’t worry me when I’m around, but I’m not here all the time, I don’t want you and Aria to feel like you can’t leave the house. And while your parents are living under the same roof, maybe it’s okay, but you’ve been talking about getting your own place… I don’t want him to ruin that.”
I’ve already been over all this in my mind, and I came up with one simple solution.
“But what if you were around all the time?” I ask shyly.
I can’t believe I’m doing this – putting myself out there in this way. I fear rejection, but I have to ask. It makes perfect sense to me that when me and Aria get a new place, that Bryson comes with us. We spend almost every night together anyway, I think we both know this is a forever kind of thing, and as far as I’m concerned, forever may as well start now.
“What exactly are you asking me?” There’s a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth that he’s desperately trying to contain.
“I was thinking that maybe we should get a place… together.” I gesture back and forth between the two of us.
“Sophia Davids, are you asking me to move in with you?” he drawls.
“Yes, I am, Bryson Decker, are you going to hurry up and say yes or keep a lady waiting?”
He smiles full and wide – a rare sight that I’ll never tire of seeing. “Fuck yes I am.”
“Saying yes, or keeping me waiting?” I tease.
“Saying yes.” He chuckles. “Hell, my bags are pretty much packed, you just tell me where we’re moving and when, baby.”
God, I love this man.
“I might need some help finding a place.”
“Count me in,” he replies quickly.
“You’re eager, aren’t you? Anything else you want me to count you in for?” I tease him.
“For any of it. All of it. Count me in for everything.”